GeltnGuiltnGlutton – n. One who buys a big supply of those little mesh bags of chocolate gold coins weeks ahead of time in preparation for Chanukah parties and adorning presents, only to stealthily gobble them all up – – which results in more shopping trips to replenish original stash. (Similar phenomenon as occurs with Halloween candy.)
PresentStation – n. Designated area of the house (cleared away of all furniture by grunting, complaining males) for displaying ever-accumulating wrapped gifts for all eight nights. Most effective space includes motion detectors and iPhone surveillance system. Oy!
DecembeRemember — v. A way to remind children who envy their non-Jewish friend’s Christmas celebrations to appreciate their own. i.e. “Every year I need to DecembeRemember my twin sons that we get eight nights (all in a row!) of fun, while little Johnny down the block only has one measly morning. Sure!!
Nebbishwebish – adj. A description of an online invitation to a Chanukah party used primarily to save postage. Who cares? It’s not like Barbra Streisand or Adam Sandler emailed it to you. If they had, we’d call that, “NebbishCelebish.”
ShooJewzoo – v. The act of insisting that guests (upon their initial arrival) stop loitering in the kitchen, schmoozing, and attacking food like a bunch of untamed animals with ferocious appetites. (The formal living room (which is never allowed to be used) has been beautifully prearranged for this purpose, for heaven’s sake!)
L.A.S.E.R. – Acronym. Stands for: “Latke Applesauce Sourcream Eating Recruiter” One who makes it their business to convert a purist (single topping) latke consumer over to the other side — combining both fruit and dairy into one neat bite.
Ignoramenorah – adj. A way to describe children who rush through the beautiful tradition of candlelighting so they can rip into their presents (and the adults who allow this). The flame of materialism!
Brisketfixedit – v. The cocky action of giving unsolicited advice to the young hostess of a Chanukah party (usually by a wise grandmother type) that results in a moister main course. Often involves adding warm water (a “secret” ingredient?) to the pan drippings for extra gravy.
MessiahJeremiah – prop n. Someone (usually named Jeremiah, but can be a Joseph or even a Zack) who has religious sightings in the fun waxy build-up on the menorah base. There’s one in every bunch. Note: shapes resembling Jesus will be met with raised brows.
Fryerliargoodbyers – pl. n. Those who fabricate reasons why they cannot help cook the latkes in a deep pan of oil, (spattering hot grease all over their blouse) then abruptly depart the kitchen.
Fryercomplier – n. That lone individual who remains near the stovetop after all other fryerliargoodbyers have exited because he/she couldn’t think fast enough.
Jiltguilt – n. Feeling of obligation to come back inside kitchen to help the overwhelmed ‘Fryercomplier,’ who was previously abandoned. This results in a “Mitzvah-Shvitza-Splitza.” (see below)
Mitzvah-Shvitza-Splitza – n. The unspoken agreement between the two people who end up frying all the latkes together. Their reward for perspiring over the burning stove? Getting to share as much potato pancakes as they want, (fresh from the pan while they’re still hot!) before carrying out the cold platter for the other lazy bums. Also known as “WarmaKarma.”
WinchellsmellJell – adj. Description of that telltale scent which is evidence that the hostess purchased her Sufganiyot (traditional jelly donuts) at an outside chain establishment, rather than deep-frying them up homemade. Can you really blame her? Enough of the oil already! We get the miracle…. it burned for 8 long days.
*(Spellukah!) Just for fun – Here’s how many online searches there were in 2014 for the different variations of the word. Oy! Jews can never agree. Happy Holidays!
Hanukkah : 8,470,000 Chanukah : 3,390,000 Hanukah : 862,000 . Hannukah : 677,000 Chanuka : 335,000 Chanukkah : 274,000 Hanuka : 192,000 Channukah : 128,000 Chanukka : 116,000 Hanukka : 86,300 Hannuka : 51,400 Hannukkah : 37,300 Channuka : 33,600 Xanuka : 992 Hannukka : 686 Channukkah : 508 Channukka : 489 Chanuqa : 25
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