T’WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE MENOPAUSE
T’was the night before menopause, when all through my bod,
Not a creature moaned or complained more than me, OMG!
The Size 6’s were hung in the closet with care,
In the hopes that Jenny Craig would soon take me there.
My husband was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of erotic positions danced in his head.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter
Like when I shoved a Hooter’s waitress, carrying a taco platter.
Away to the window I flew, triggering a hot flash,
Followed by clammy skin, irregular heartbeat, and allergic rash.
(Brain fog made me forget to tear open the shutters and pull up the sash!)
Oh, the moon on the breast of the new fallen snow!
Not to mention my own breasts had sunk to a new low.
When what to my fatigued eyes, who should appear?
But a rich, black, chatty woman and a man wanting to do my pap smear.
This wasn’t the plastic surgeon I ordered or the Avon Lady chick!
I looked closer, recognizing Oprah and Dr. Oz, her sidekick.
Then more rapid than eagles, my troubles came with sharp aim,
And Dr Oz. and Oprah whooped and shouted, calling them by name.
“Now Itchy, Now Bitchy, Now Sweaty And Sleepy,
Now Bloaty, Now Psycho, Forgetful and Weepy.
Onward Insomnia, Moody, and Fibroids So Creepy!
To the Top of the medicine cabinet with your symptom roll-call
Dash away Metamucil, Calgon, Midol, Prozac and Geratol!
Then up to the Ceiling Fan, this pair of Celebrities flew,
Cameras rolling, talk shows and infomercials filming on cue.
Just then in a Twinkling, what did I hear on the roof?
A Sitcom Star more famous than this ridiculous spoof!
As I drew in my muffin top, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Ms. Suzanne Somers came with a bound.
She was dressed all in (faux) fur from her head to her (chiseled) thigh,
And she said, “Tis not the Thigh Master that keeps me so spry!”
Bundles of hormones were flung over her (well-toned) back,
With more Bio-Identicals stuffed in her (shapely) fanny pack.
Her eyes, how they sparkled, her dimples how merry,
Her cheeks were like roses, her lips like a cherry.
“Listen,” I interrogated, “Do you still eat Gluten and Dairy??”
“Why are YOU Somebody? Three’s Company went off the air?
If I sound like a Grinch – It’s cuz I just found yet another gray hair.
What did you do with that fat guy and his white beard and round belly?
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
(And made me feel less guilty when I indulged at the Deli.)
Say, you don’t have a stump of pipe in your teeth,
With smoke that encircles your head like a wreath.
And I betcha a new blonde wig, you wear Spanx underneath!”
I demand someone plump or ugly like ‘Elf on the Shelf,’
Someone who makes me feel better, when I compare myself.
With a wink of her eye, and a twist of her shiny, platinum head,
Suzanne said, “No more Somercizing, you’ve nothing to dread!”
She spoke not another word and went straight to her work,
Filled a few lacy stockings, (with garters) flashing a sexy smirk,
And laid a manicured fingernail aside her cute button nose,
Her mom should warn her about smirking, maybe her face froze?
I sprung to my feet as Dr. Oz and Oprah gave a wolf whistle,
Finally some hope that went beyond Black Cohosh and Milk Thistle!
Who knew that a night of magic with Suzanne, Oprah and Dr. Oz
Would have me feeling so much better about entering Menopause?
And away they all flew, but I heard them exclaim,
“If you listen to us, you’ll be one awesome, hot dame!”
That was the last I saw of those three, as they drove clear outa sight,
“Happy Menopause to all and don’t grow old without a good fight!”
Little Miss Menopause wishes everyone a day free from brain-fog, hot-flashes and weight-gain on December 25th!
Stephanie
Pingback: Smorgasbord Christmas Posts from Your Archives – Twas the night before Christmas, with presents to wrap by Judy E. Martin | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life
This is fantastic!! I feel your pain, and am on hormones! Black cohosh and soy did nothing for me.
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Thank you! Soy I think makes things worse? Not sure. Someone advised me to look into “DIM.” I googled it and seems to hold some promise. Good luck to us!
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Wait– I meant that it’s LIKE planning a wedding. We’re not marrying them off at age 13 in my house…. Yet. Happy New Year to you. Any exciting plans?
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This was hilarious 🙂 Had me in splits at work.
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Well thank you! And happy New Year to you!
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Get thee back to blogging regularly.
If you need topic ideas, writing prompts at http://blacklightcandelabra.wordpress.com will be starting on Jan. 5.
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Ha!! I thank you for this! Its actually a shortage of time (my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah this Saturday night for 250 people and like planning a wedding.) My notebook of blog topics is overflowing but I will check those out too on Jan 5th. Thanks for taking an interest BP!
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I suppose I can allow you to spend time on your daughter and a wedding.
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Hi Namesake, I seriously applaud you because even in menopause you come up with the most delightful morsels of humor. Geez I fumble through my days trying to remember basic words like ‘futon’ for example. A recent conversation with my cousin went something like this “you know, it’s one of those things you, like, you know, it’s a long think, sorta like a bed but not a bed, I can’t remember what it is, the word isn’t even close to being on the tip of my tongue…” when my reach for the word doesn’t work I begin using my hands in a vain attempt to pantomine ‘futon.’ I never did get the word out but my cousin (bless her heart) figured it out. Okay now I’m tired and it’s time to go to bed only to be stricken with another bout of insomnia. Thanks for the laughs as always 🙂 ~Steph
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This was terrifically funny one would have to admit, you sure have good prose, I admire your wit. This would be a good rhyme for the Dr. Seuss special “Morton hears a Jew.”
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Stephanie, I’m absolutely tickled that this is a Christmas/Menopause piece. Season greeting-ish and revolutionary and hilarity all in one. I am certain there is nothing like it in the history of forever. Happy Holidays! I hope you are having a wonderful season. xox
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I am so glad you dropped in today so I can wish you a Merry Christmas! Thank you so much for the high compliments. I appreciate it greatly. I hope you have a wonderful holiday and New Year, Diahann.
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Hahah thank you for this brilliant present that reading your blog is. Have a wonderful Christmas! xx
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What a sweet comment. Hope your Christmas has been terrific so far. Thank you for taking the time here!
Stephanie
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Fantastic parody of aging Christmas that keeps you young and spirited. 🙂
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Why thank you so much! Happy holidays to you, Jean!
Stephanie
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Pingback: Episode 84: ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas…My Version. | Edwina's Episodes
Haha, so silly! I hope you have a wonderful holiday Stephanie! ❤
Michelle
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Mutual, Michelle!! Happy New Year too!
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Merci! ❤
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You know I’m a sucker for a good ‘Twas poem…well, this is light years beyond a GOOD ‘Twas. In fact, you may have fired up the ‘ol ‘Twas furnace. I wasn’t planing on one this week, but you’ve inspired me bunkie…as always.
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I look forward to what comes into my Reader, roomie!! And thank you.
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Really needed a laugh. Thanks!
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No Thank YOU for leaving such a nice comment!
Happy holidays,
Stephanie
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Backatcha, Stephanie! lol
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That is difficult to do … But you did and made it work …. Was everything true? If so I would like some pictures of you shoving the Hooters girl …. And I didn’t know you have a husband … I guess my quest to have you make me gravy is finished (sigh). Merry Christmas Stephanie and a very wonderful New Year .
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No husband. And no shoving Hooters girl. All fictional. I tripped her. 😉 Gravy is still on.
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“Little Miss Menopause wishes everyone a day free from brain-fog, hot-flashes and weight-gain on December 25th!”
Ah, Steph, from your lips to God’s ears, if only. But it is, after all the thought that counts. And I think you are the best.
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Speaking of the best — This is the best gift ever– a visit from Maggie, missing you.
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My favourite bit? ALL OF IT! Just genius, Mrs!!!
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You’re so flattering. Please always leave all capped words. That’s the kind of shouting a blogger loves!
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LOL
Then Oprah proclaimed
“If you you want to look hot,
then do as I do,
And use photoshop.”
🙂
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Ha!!! No truer words. From the poet I will always defer too.
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Your writing continues to make me chuckle, No this time a LOL; very cute!
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Thank you, Mom! Happy birthday!
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OMG…just hilarious Stephanie…and i can relate to it all….hahahahaha
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I am sorry you relate to it all, but you know what they say about “misery.” And not the Kathy Bates movie. Thank you, Katie.
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Oh, how I’ve missed you! I’ve been sitting here reading this chuckling all the way through…I love the OMG you tossed in there and I love the new reindeer names! Whole thing is Fabulous!
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As are you! Thank you from the bottom of my perspiring heart.
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I have some bad holiday news for you.
Since you’re Jewish, you get eight nights of menopause gifts instead of just one.
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Hmmmm, THAT is bad news you bear. I am thinking however in this case, it may help to throw something at the messenger. 😉
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Throw Hanukkah gelt at me. 🙂
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Hehehe! I think I most loved “Do you still eat gluten and dairy?”
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My fave line and added it in just before posting. Thank you so much!
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Great piece of literature you have here. Just two things. OMG does not rhyme with bod. And where was Dr. Phil. Since you didn’t include him for the milk and cookies, you will now have to suffer Dr. Phil karma. And that is some nasty stuff.
Here’s something for you to sing. You get this one down and you will have it made in the shade. Santa will love you for it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFMyF9fDKzE
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Ha! OMG rhymed when it was late at night and I was desperate! Dr Phil karma sounds highly contagious. So you better watch out too! 😉 Thanks for the link – – heading there now. Merry Xmas!
Stephanie
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I thoroughly enjoyed that! One of the best spoofs I have ever read! Brilliant. 🙂
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well, thank you ever so kindly my friend. Happy Holidays!
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Happy Holidays too 🙂
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Best: “Now Itchy, Now Bitchy, Now Sweaty And Sleepy,
Now Bloaty, Now Psycho, Forgetful and Weepy.
Onward Insomnia, Moody, and Fibroids So Creepy!”
My fight is now feeble and I don’t give a shit,
Why just take a look at my hairy armpits.
Take Oz and Oprah and Miss Somers, too
Take them to that chimney and up it screw.
Without us damp dames, flashing night and day
You’d be fucked my friends, now dash away!
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Man, that felt good. Thanks for the brilliant post and the rantortunity.
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HA! C’mon back and do some more. Loving it.
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LOL!!!! You go, girl.
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Awesome, I don’t plan to. Hey, funny story, there was a girl who used to attend my son’s School of Rock, knew her and saw her and her fashion designer mother around for years before finding out they were Suzanne Somers’ daughter and granddaughter!! Maybe I should show them this poem. (Ha, ha just kidding.) I’m doing my Night Before Christmas spoof submission on Wednesday.
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Seriously? That is really ironic. Now do you always approach them and sing, “Come and knock on our door…..?” Shame the best part of that show passed away far too young.
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No, I’d be far better off requesting a Thigh Master!!
Yes, a shame indeed!
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Maybe that would make a good Tuesday spoof. Looking forward to your Night Before Christmasy poem. You can pair it up with my “The Christmas That Almost Was Not”, then we’ll have a pair. Or is that a pear? Oh, no. Now I am cornfused.
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We could have a pear and a pair if you want. Maybe a pear pie or a pear salad or a pair of pear pies…
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Or a partridge in a pair tree.
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That’s the one!!
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