Want to have huge crowds eating popcorn and Whoppers as they’re enthralled by YOUR original words? Want a chance at an Oscar? People talking about you at the water cooler? Well, forget making your blog into a book. Think BIG. The film industry is running out of ideas (that’s why we’re seeing the Bible recycled as “Exodus: Gods & Kings”) Just follow these easy tips to turn your blog into a movie. Or if you’re slightly more of a homebody, into a television series!
Making Your Blog into the Next Big BLOGBUSTER!
1. ACTORS: The most important thing is deciding who should play YOU. Go hobnobbing (what does that word even mean? And can you go hobbing without the nobbing part?) in exclusive circles to generate buzz about your casting. Say this: “Cameron Diaz is begging to be ME, but I don’t know….it’s such a meaty role. I think I’m more the Kathy Bates type.”
2. LOCATION: If you own a house or real estate, you know that Location is everything. Well same idea with turning your blog into a feature length film. Shooting on location will get you a big tax write-off so you may as well combine it with your next vacation. Go rewrite your latest post taking place in the Bahamas. I’ll wait.
3. PRODUCERS & DIRECTORS: Who will produce and direct your blog? Aha…Look no further! Did you make your children? Did you make dinner last night? Or at least a peanut butter sandwich? Ever grow a tomato or a radish in a garden? That’s produce! Starting now, YOU are your own Production Company. Do not let Steven Spielberg tell you otherwise. And as far as a Director? Well, who instructs people how to make beds, wear socks that match, brush teeth and who tells your husband which way to turn when you’re lost and late for a party because he won’t stop and ask someone? That’s Giving Directions, baby! You ARE both the Director and the Producer. Now start acting important today. Hobnob with a limo driver.
4. WRITER: Yes! You are already a superb writer. You wouldn’t have a Blog if you weren’t. However, writing your blog for the big screen is slightly different… but never fear — this paragraph will get you there! Always open your posts with “Fade in:” And remember to end with “Fade to black.” (Note: There’s lots of fading and dissolving going on in the movies so you might want to wash the clothes you’ll wear while filming in color-fast laundry detergent.) And always write a big conflict into your blog. Films thrive on friction and conflict. If things are always cheeful and light and fluffy, what fun is that? You may as well just name your blog script, “Happily Ever After.” Think there will ever be a movie with that title? Think again! Fighting, Arguing, Yelling, Bad Occurrences, An Evil Omen, Dark Clouds, Nobody Ever Agreeing, Objects Shattering, People Suffering Nervous Breakdowns. This is the stuff that Academy Award winners are made from. Write it all in! And that’s why you should film on location in a place called “Stephanie’s Home.” You won’t need any special effects. It’s all right here in San Diego.
5. STUDIO: You might think having a nice Blog Theme Appearance will qualify as a good studio set. Maybe you picked your colors and laid out the entire website yourself, so naturally you think you’ll excel at Scenic Design as well. But your actors will quickly become bored reading their lines, standing under your Header and your Tagline over long days of filming. And the WordPress logo and your stats page as a realistic backdrop? Yawn. Nope. Trust me – – here is where you should never economize. Spend about six weeks of your grocery budget on a good Set Designer. You may be hungry but it will pay off – and with the profit margin, you can order in Chinese when the filming wraps. (Clever tip. Don’t wrap the film in holiday paper because then it won’t open until next X-mas.)
6. PROPS: Get lotsa stuff. Now’s your justification for shopping garage sales. Do a quick scan of all your posts. Are they mostly about you and your family? Then give the audience a glimpse of your home life looking thru a window. The actors can hold lots of spray bottles of Windex and rolls of paper towels. Do you write more about your profession? Get props that are symbolic. i.e. Are you a waitress? Put a wineglass on a tray. But is it half full or half empty? (dramatic pause here!) Are you a fashion blogger? An untwisted clothes hanger will easily be your best prop. (Cue suspense music!) Did someone lock themselves out of their car? Or are they simply using it to roast marshmallows? See how props work?! Do you blog about food? Well, sorry. They’ve already made “Chef” this past year. And “Fried Green Tomatoes,” as well as “Eat, Pray, Love” have all been done before. So you’re kinda outa luck. Eat food. Don’t write about it.
7. PROMOTION: You’ll need to report your highest grossing weekend numbers. (Note: You cannot count how many times you’re forced to shower in a day due to hot flashes, no matter how gross that really is) But first go to a postal supply store and get lots of large cardboard marked, “This End Up” or “Fragile. Handle With Care.” Get strong packing tape and assemble it into what you see below left. Set a bunch of these in front of professional places of work. Where attorneys, accountants, doctors, dentists, architects, and of course chiropractors hang out. You’ve just created a Box Office! Don’t try placing them in your own house even if you have a spare room you occasionally work from home in. HBO (Home Box Office) will sue your ass.
That’s it! The next time you are in a theater and think to yourself, “I can make a better movie than this one, using my own blog.” You’ll be right! See you in Hollywood….