HOPE FOR THE IGNORED GUEST! DON’T BE LEFT OUT ON THE SIDELINES!
1. Make Guacamole. Just do this. Trust me. Even if you’re out of avocados. Use kiwis. These people won’t notice – – they’ll just keep dipping and dipping while hollering at that TV . . . The Big Dips.
2. Never say this – – “I don’t know why you folks don’t just record this stuff and watch it later so you can fast forward through all these silly commercials.” Never. Ever.
3. Football fans are an exuberant bunch. But they know their terminology. Before you attempt to chime in during an actual live play of the ball game, experiment with a commercial. (see # 2 to grasp the importance of Advertising) Try the following options: A) Clap uproariously at a Clydesdale. B) Shout, “Hold ’em! That’s the way!” to a Victoria’s Secret model. C) Throw a chip at the television and say, “Doritos?! They suck this year! My money’s on the Lays.” D) Boo loudly at “Go Daddy!” They deserve it.
4. Casually introduce conversation with, “So how about that Joe Namath?” If this doesn’t get the reaction you are looking for, tell them you were a cheerleader for your brother in Pop Warner leagues. Note: This will only be effective if you can produce a photo. Still nothing? Remind them you brought the guacamole.
5. Wait until intermission to pass out copies of your latest Huffington Post blog. In case you don’t recognize when that occurs, it will be called, “Half Time.” One whole game = four quarters or two halves or forty nickels. I am still not sure if a Susan B. Anthony silver dollar might fit in with their formula or not.
6. If you are tired, don’t be offensive and yawn. Play defensively! Simply look at the clock (lower right hand side of the television screen) and if it says (only!) 2 minutes and thirty seconds are left in the game, you will now have time to play an entire game of Monopoly.
7. Look around for other wives and girlfriends that have that “I’m so bored, I could throw-up” green pallor on their face. Look closely. This could just be the guacamole. Engage them in a fashion review of the game. Tell them that you think shoulder pads and tight ankle pants are so 80’s. Casually remark, “Hey, I know what!! Let’s go in the other room and compose a Match.com ad for ourselves.”
8. You will eventually need to choose a side and root for them. Lemme help you. If you don’t mind rainy weather, I’d go with the Seahawks. Feeling patriotic? The Patriots are your men! Just don’t cheer for the guys with the black and white vertical pinstripes — they usually just stand around a lot.
9. Right about now, you’re probably ready to toss out some authentic, sporty vocabulary during the actual game. Wait until the room is in some sort of an uproar over a bad call, then holler, “A noose, a tree . . . let’s hang the referee!” It’s always safe to pick on a man who doesn’t weight 285 lbs, carries a whistle, and speaks in pantomime.
10. If none of this is working for you, continue nodding and being polite, offering all the uptight, nervous pacing men (and other guests who come in late) your spot on the sofa. Do this until every seat in the house is taken and you have to sit on the toilet in the bathroom. Bring guacamole.
Happy Super Bowl Sunday!
PS. If you’re still bored watching the game, you can read my very first SERIOUS published article on The Huffington Post right HERE. It’s about divorce.
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I’d love to have had this yesterday… 😉
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oh really? I didn’t realize you like topics not related to teens or parenting as well? I sent it to Huff Post in plenty of time to go up yesterday and they stuck it up on their Comedy section today. I’ll never figure them out! Thanks for visiting me here, Kristen!
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Well I actually meant for ME and my life and my super bowl.. but absolutely for ten to twenty!!! I’m working at rounding it out to our whole lives..not just our parenting lives 😉
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There’s life outside of parenting ?? 😉
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I’m laughing at the image of the guys hunched on the sofa scarfing down the guacamole, pausing every so often to state at the green stuff on their chip but never quite registering: that’s kiwi! Thanks for the fun.
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This is the perfect guide for me as someone absolutely clueless to football. 🙂 Fortunately, my significant other doesn’t watch football anymore so it is more of an effort to end up at one of these shindigs. Your Dorito commercial shoutout made me laugh. In LA, actors, aspiring moviemakers can shoot their own and hopefully have it picked for Superbowl airing. A whole of them just been made as we speak!
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Oh yes – – I know about that. I think they should open it up for other products aside from just chips … lots of aspiring moviemakers out there. Hey….commercials, that’s giving me an idea….stay tuned. 😉 Thanks Diahann!
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Get out the Monopoly board. I’m ready for a Monopoly Marathon. I have a chance at winning, and comprehending what’s going on.
I’ve been recalling your commentary on the time clock over the past year, each time someone mentions the “f” word.
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I know that’s your game Gracie and I’m saving Park Place and Boardwalk for ya. I’m not sure I follow the time clock commentary bit? I may need a reminder of what you mean by this! xoxo
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Another great read! I’ve always been lucky and been left behind whilst the Mister went out to his “boys only” party… Funny how none of the wives complained…
HP post was a great read too! Congrats!
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Well, aren’t you sweet to head to HP for a change of pace read from me. I really appreciate that! And the wives were probably secretly eternally grateful to be “left behind.” I would be. Thank you for taking the time tonight!
Stephanie
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I am dreading next year’s superbowl. It is going to be 2 miles from my house. No way to avoid the hoopla then!
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Yep – – I happen to be staying in Seattle right now and there’s just no going grocery shopping without passing by every football shaped cupcake, cookie or balloon.
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I know just enough football to understand how painfully true #6 to be.
Thanks for the laugh.
If you’re looking for me at half time, I left to go shopping.
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I’ll meet you in Nordstroms! Yes, I could get a manicure/pedicure done during 2 minutes of “football” time.
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After the shopping – and mani/pedi – we could stop in a non-sports bar and sip martinis like the civilized ladies we are 🙂
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I think it would help a lot if they named football teams after food. How ’bout the New England Clam Chowders or the Miami Plantains or the Dallas Burritos. Then you guys could determine the players by ingredients in a recipe. Like that Fred makes a great Tomato when you’re talking about the San Diego Salad.
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Another brilliant and funny “what-if?” I really REALLY want you for your mind.
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Unfortunately this is my theme song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nauLgZISozs
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I’ll meet you in the bathroom after the first quarter. I’ll need a special signal, of course, to determine when this is. How about ‘holy moly guacamole’? You say it, I’ll run!
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Deal – – while you’re running, can you intercept some rye bread and tackle a little corned beef? We may as well make sandwiches in there.
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Sounds good to me!
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Again I am looking foolish laughing out loud in a not so LOL friendly environment. My 8 year old kept asking me what was funny and has decided that we need to make kiwimole and cheer for the guys in the black and white stripes, because common, that’s kind of funny.
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Aww, your 8 year old has my type of humor! Kiwimole will be the new thing now, right? And if kiwis are out of season, underripe bananas might work in a pinch. Thank you again, you flatter me so!
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Another score in the humor zone. However, at $4.5M for each 30 second slot I don’t think Danica gives a hoot if you boo or not, she’s already been paid. Just a note, ONLY remind them you brought the guacamole if you used real avocados. It’s bound to be a good game and I am very patriotic but I’m still cheering for Seattle.
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I’ll bring my pom-poms and see you at our super cyber bowl party! Thank you.
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I didn’t even realize Super Bowl Sunday is this weekend…lucky me. Although, the commercials are the best. I do also love your advice, not just the guac…so I went over to the HP. Thumbs up there too!
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Thank you for leaving a nice comment there too, my blog buddy! It’s so appreciated. Stretching my wings with the Divorce section there and prepared for unhappy readers/commenters.
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Well, you can’t please everyone, right? But you can tell them to #%@&*# buzz off.
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I think I’d just go and sit on the toilet and pass editorial comments.
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passing editorial comments in the restroom sounds easier than passing kidney stones. 😉
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and not as stinky as passing gas or as unkind as passing judgement. But maybe a kidney stone IS a form of judgement. Enjoy the guacamole on sunday.
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True story: a few years ago a friend got a phonecall from an American friend. ‘Hey,’ she said ‘who won the Super Bowl?’
‘I don’t know,’ my friend replied. ‘It hasn’t happened yet.’
‘Sure it has,’ her American buddy argued. ‘You’re ahead of us time wise, so you would have kicked off hours ago.’
When they talk about being ‘ahead of the game’ I don’t think that’s it.
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