How To Be SUPER Popular at the Super Bowl Party! (even if you don’t know football)


Don't Make this! Nobody is gonna thank you enough for the time you spend on these goal posts!

Don’t Make this! Nobody is gonna thank you enough for the time you spend on these goal posts!

HOPE FOR THE IGNORED GUEST!  DON’T BE LEFT OUT ON THE SIDELINES!

1. Make Guacamole. Just do this. Trust me. Even if you’re out of avocados. Use kiwis. These people won’t notice – – they’ll just keep dipping and dipping while hollering at that TV . . . The Big Dips.

2. Never say this – – “I don’t know why you folks don’t just record this stuff and watch it later so you can fast forward through all these silly commercials.” Never. Ever.

3. Football fans are an exuberant bunch. But they know their terminology. Before you attempt to chime in during an actual live play of the ball game, experiment with a commercial. (see # 2 to grasp the importance of Advertising) Try the following options: A) Clap uproariously at a Clydesdale. B) Shout, “Hold ’em! That’s the way!” to a Victoria’s Secret model. C) Throw a chip at the television and say, “Doritos?! They suck this year! My money’s on the Lays.”  D)  Boo loudly at “Go Daddy!”  They deserve it.

4. Casually introduce conversation with, “So how about that Joe Namath?” If this doesn’t get the reaction you are looking for, tell them you were a cheerleader for your brother in Pop Warner leagues. Note: This will only be effective if you can produce a photo. Still nothing? Remind them you brought the guacamole.

5. Wait until intermission to pass out copies of your latest Huffington Post blog. In case you don’t recognize when that occurs, it will be called, “Half Time.” One whole game = four quarters or two halves or forty nickels. I am still not sure if a Susan B. Anthony silver dollar might fit in with their formula or not.

6. If you are tired, don’t be offensive and yawn. Play defensively! Simply look at the clock (lower right hand side of the television screen) and if it says (only!) 2 minutes and thirty seconds are left in the game, you will now have time to play an entire game of Monopoly.

7. Look around for other wives and girlfriends that have that “I’m so bored, I could throw-up” green pallor on their face. Look closely. This could just be the guacamole. Engage them in a fashion review of the game. Tell them that you think shoulder pads and tight ankle pants are so 80’s. Casually remark, “Hey, I know what!! Let’s go in the other room and compose a Match.com ad for ourselves.”

8. You will eventually need to choose a side and root for them. Lemme help you. If you don’t mind rainy weather, I’d go with the Seahawks. Feeling patriotic? The Patriots are your men! Just don’t cheer for the guys with the black and white vertical pinstripes — they usually just stand around a lot.

9. Right about now, you’re probably ready to toss out some authentic, sporty vocabulary during the actual game. Wait until the room is in some sort of an uproar over a bad call, then holler, “A noose, a tree . . . let’s hang the referee!” It’s always safe to pick on a man who doesn’t weight 285 lbs, carries a whistle, and speaks in pantomime.

10. If none of this is working for you, continue nodding and being polite, offering all the uptight, nervous pacing men (and other guests who come in late) your spot on the sofa. Do this until every seat in the house is taken and you have to sit on the toilet in the bathroom. Bring guacamole.

Happy Super Bowl Sunday!

PS.  If you’re still bored watching the game, you can read my very first SERIOUS published article on The Huffington Post right HERE.  It’s about divorce.

34 thoughts on “How To Be SUPER Popular at the Super Bowl Party! (even if you don’t know football)”

  1. Pingback: The Blogcademy Awards (The Bloscars!) With a Giveaway Prize! | Once Upon Your Prime

  4. This is the perfect guide for me as someone absolutely clueless to football. 🙂 Fortunately, my significant other doesn’t watch football anymore so it is more of an effort to end up at one of these shindigs. Your Dorito commercial shoutout made me laugh. In LA, actors, aspiring moviemakers can shoot their own and hopefully have it picked for Superbowl airing. A whole of them just been made as we speak!

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    • Oh yes – – I know about that. I think they should open it up for other products aside from just chips … lots of aspiring moviemakers out there. Hey….commercials, that’s giving me an idea….stay tuned. 😉 Thanks Diahann!

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  5. Get out the Monopoly board. I’m ready for a Monopoly Marathon. I have a chance at winning, and comprehending what’s going on.

    I’ve been recalling your commentary on the time clock over the past year, each time someone mentions the “f” word.

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  6. Another great read! I’ve always been lucky and been left behind whilst the Mister went out to his “boys only” party… Funny how none of the wives complained…
    HP post was a great read too! Congrats!

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  9. I think it would help a lot if they named football teams after food. How ’bout the New England Clam Chowders or the Miami Plantains or the Dallas Burritos. Then you guys could determine the players by ingredients in a recipe. Like that Fred makes a great Tomato when you’re talking about the San Diego Salad.

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  11. Again I am looking foolish laughing out loud in a not so LOL friendly environment. My 8 year old kept asking me what was funny and has decided that we need to make kiwimole and cheer for the guys in the black and white stripes, because common, that’s kind of funny.

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  12. Another score in the humor zone. However, at $4.5M for each 30 second slot I don’t think Danica gives a hoot if you boo or not, she’s already been paid. Just a note, ONLY remind them you brought the guacamole if you used real avocados. It’s bound to be a good game and I am very patriotic but I’m still cheering for Seattle.

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  15. True story: a few years ago a friend got a phonecall from an American friend. ‘Hey,’ she said ‘who won the Super Bowl?’
    ‘I don’t know,’ my friend replied. ‘It hasn’t happened yet.’
    ‘Sure it has,’ her American buddy argued. ‘You’re ahead of us time wise, so you would have kicked off hours ago.’
    When they talk about being ‘ahead of the game’ I don’t think that’s it.

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