How Captain Von Trapp Chose Between Maria and The Baroness


sound of musicAt long last, we’ve discovered a never seen before authentic “Pros and Cons” list inside the props box from The Sound of Music set. The Captain wrote it to help decide which woman to make his wife and the new mother of his 7 children. Let’s peek, shall we?

Baroness Elsa

PROS

1. She’s got that classy, reserved icy blond, Austrian nobility thing going on. I’m up for the challenge of making her bleat like a mountain goat! 2. Says wise and profound things. “Somewhere out there is a lady who I think will never be a nun.” I wonder what she’d say if she knew I was hoping for a nun who will never EVER be a lady? 3. Easy to end a date with. You don’t have to launch into a whole song and dance routine, “So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, au revoir, sayonara, shalom, etc.” It’s just “bye-bye bitch.”

CONS

1. Not a performer and she’s a bit selfish. I doubt she’d walk out to finish my song for me if I were to break down on stage in the middle of lyrics I know like the back of my hand. 2. She doesn’t really care for yodeling. Which means my best joke will be lost on her. “Knock-knock. Who’s There? Lil Ole Lady. Lil Ole Lady Who?” Ha ha ha! 3. Given half a chance, she’ll send all 7 of my children to Boarding School. Wait, this goes on the pros list.

Fraulein Maria

PROS

1. I sure would like to handle a problem like Maria. I fantasize about being her personal troubleshooter. 2. Has a mathematician background and counts like nobody’s business.  “You are 16 going on 17.” Maybe one day she’ll star in a movie called “10” and introduce me to Bo Derek. 3. Won’t be a chronic dieter like my buddy’s wives. The only scales she’s obsessed with are Do-Re-Mi. 4. I love a woman who’s easy to buy for on Valentine’s or Mother’s Day. I have my list for Maria for the next 5 years. 1. Bright copper kettles. 2. Crisp apple strudel 3. Warm woollen mittens. And I don’t even have to giftwrap (brown paper packages tied up with strings) Easy to please. Aww screw it. Something tells me she’d be just as happy if I didn’t cut the whiskers off kittens. 5. Somewhere in her youth or childhood, she must’ve done something good.  She deserves me! photo (16) 6. Ever see anyone blush like that? I bet she’ll make a beautiful blushing bride. Of course that could be because the train on her wedding gown will be so long and heavy, half of Salzburg will have to carry it down the aisle for her. 7. Whenever there’s a thunderstorm, she’ll invite people into our bed. Mmm, I like me some kink.

CONS

1. She brought music back into the house. And now my kids play the Top 40 at decibels that would blow the roof off a Nazi regime. 2. Obsessed with puppets. Which means she thinks she can pull my strings. 3. She’s not great with names. Keeps forgetting “Kurt.” How will I feel if one night in bed she moans (off key) and says, “Mmm, that feels so good. God bless you, Whatsyourname?” 4. Tea, a drink with jam and bread. Seriously woman? Every single solitary time? I’m a Starbucks shareholder. 5. Hates whistles. I suppose that twisted Snow White fantasy I have of her singing, “Just Whistle While You Work” while sweeping the front porch in a Nun’s habit is out of the question? 6. She might force me to wear boxers she stitches from our dining room blinds. Yeah, but that’s an easy fix. Sell her Singer. It’ll be curtains for that sewing machine of hers! Hey!  As long as I’m considering Thrifty Recycling Movie Heroines, I know a racy raven-haired vixen who also made her gown out of the living room drapes. Maybe there’s a 3rd option here. Who says I can’t be a Cross-Film Actor and marry . . .

Scarlett O’Hara

PROS

1.  That 18 inch waist 2. Never worries about anything — she’ll think about it tomorrow. We all know what “it” is. Heh heh.

CONS

1. Oh who the hell cares anymore?  Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Any woman who can tilt her head like this without a neck ache is the one for me!

Any woman who can tilt her head like this without a neck ache is the one for me!

       

 

 

 

 

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64 thoughts on “How Captain Von Trapp Chose Between Maria and The Baroness”

  4. Wow, this was awesome…grew up with Sound of Music…my sister and I would replay the LP (yes, you read that right) over and over, till we got the do, rey, so… me, la, rey…etc, etc, right…love this post So long, farewell

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  9. I so had the hots for captain Von Trapp when I was little. Still do. I have to vote for the Frauline, though, cause she keeps the kids entertained while I go about my von trappy day. You can’t put a price on that.

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  16. LOL… he definitely knew how to pick the right one. I remember being fascinated years later seeing the Baroness, or rather, Eleanor Parker on the Love Boat years later. Love love love that movie.

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    • Thanks Diahann – – Was she on the Love Boat? Wow. Also I didn’t realize when I wrote this that Sound of Music just celebrated 50 years on March 2nd. I must’ve been channeling something or maybe the hills (that are alive!) spoke to me. 😉

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  19. Another brilliant piece. It’s the behind the scenes things that sheds light on the whole thing. You by the way are certainly MY favorite thing. Certainly looks like he made the right choice and likely not to be gone with the wind. I’d say Scarlet got of easy in your comparison. You are course have no comparison, second to nun.

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  22. You forgot # 8 pro for Maria. I happen to know for a fact, this was the tie breaker.”Maria admired my legs when I wore my liederhosen. She was so infatuated with them, she couldn’t take her eyes off them every time we were in the same room.”

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  23. I have actually been devastated by Wikapedianing (a serious addiction of mine) The Sound of Music and finding out the true story…. Truly saddened that there was no mention of the baroness….And did you know he was like 30 years older than her(maria)!! He was lucky that Maria was a savvy business woman that pimped the kids singing after he went bankrupt. I am however extremely happy as I will be married hopefully in the exact dress the baroness wore in your pic. Possibly one of the most amazing dresses ever. And puppets freak me out…. And you’re still awesome. xoxoxo

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    • You know, I had no clue they just had their 50th anniversary when I wrote this! I must have just been channeling Christopher Plummer. But now I’m reading more and you’re right! Wow. It’s very disillusioning, isn’t it? So that EXACT dress?? It’s stunning my dear, my female dear…. 😉 You’ll floor everyone! And thank you for helping maintain any awesomeness around these parts!!
      Have a great wknd!
      Stephanie

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  25. Personally, I don’t think I could ever handle a problem like Maria. She’s got way too much pep for me. Scarlett O’Hara, on the other hand, now she could make an entire outfit out of drapes for me anytime. Haven’t you heard? The 80s have returned (because back then I actually did have a couple of outfits that looked like they were made of drapes!!)

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  26. Love this post BEST OF THEM ALL. Helps, of course, that SOM is my ALL-TIME FAVOURITE movie. But par for your course, I never really thought about how he chose! A very good perspective! (Also very much enjoy GWTW and liked how you kept that one short and sweet just like Clark/Rhett would’ve done!)

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  27. Baroness mean she was married to a baron. So most likely she already put one in the grave. Even Elsa sounds like a second choice. Maria or someoneELSA. She’ll always be second to nun. Funny post as always. 🙂

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    • Thank you Donna my dear, my female dear! Ms. M thinks you’re positively divine too. But why are we both being so formal with the Ms. M stuff? Let’s just agree to say . . . “Me”, a name I call myself…..and that will bring us back to….oh forget it! 😉

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