HOPE FOR THE IGNORED GUEST! DON’T BE LEFT OUT ON THE SIDELINES!
1. Don’t make any kind of sandwich stadium, especially not as elaborate as this photo. There will never be enough kudos to compensate you for those tomatoes. Instead, make Guacamole. Just do this. Trust me. Even if you’re out of “Avocados From Mexico.” Use kiwis. These people won’t notice – – they’ll just keep dipping and dipping while hollering at that TV . . . The Big Dips. (Note: Underripe green bananas may also be substituted.)
2. Never say this – – “I don’t know why you folks don’t just record this stuff and watch it later so you can fast forward through all these silly commercials.” Never. Ever. (See #3 below)
3. Football fans are an exuberant bunch. And worse, they know their terminology. Before you attempt to chime in during an actual live play of the ball game, experiment with a silly commercial. Try the following options: A) Boo loudly at the creepy “PuppyMonkeybaby.” B) Shout, “Hold ’em! That’s the way!” to the crane lifting Jeff Goldblum up an apartment building as he sings The Jefferson’s theme song. (yes, seriously!) C) Throw a chip at the television in disgust and say, “Really? You’re eating Doritos at her ultrasound?”
4. Casually introduce conversation with, “So how about that Joe Namath?” If this doesn’t get the reaction you are looking for, tell them you were a cheerleader for your brother in Pop Warner leagues. Note: This will only be effective if you can produce a photo. Still nothing? Remind them you brought the guacamole.
5. Don’t ruin the halftime (that’s fancy for intermission) surprise by announcing in the first two quarters, “Women are from Venus, but men are from Mars….BRUNO MARS. Oh boy. Did you hear he’s joining Coldplay?” However, it’s perfectly okay to speak about the singer 75 cents or a $1.00 into the game. Just not during the first two quarters.
6. If you are tired, don’t be offensive and yawn. Play defensively! Simply look at the clock (lower right hand side of the television screen) and if it says (only!) 2 minutes and thirty seconds are left until the end, you will now have time to play an entire game of Monopoly.
7. Look around for other wives and girlfriends that have that “I’m so bored, I could throw-up” green pallor on their face. Look closely. This could just be the guacamole. Engage them in a fashion review of the game. Tell them you think shoulder pads and tight ankle pants are so 80’s. Or entertain them with something more thrilling … like reading War & Peace aloud. If all else fails, casually remark, “Hey, I know what!! Let’s go in the other room and compose a Match.com ad for ourselves.”
8. You will eventually need to choose a side and root for them. Lemme help you. If you liked the Peter Sellers’ movie series, I’d go with the (Pink) Panthers. If you drive a Ford pickup, then the Broncos are your men. Just don’t cheer for the team wearing the black and white vertical pinstripes — they usually just stand around botching coin tosses and tossing out colored flags.
9. Right about now, you’re probably ready to show off your knowledge and throw out some authentic, sporty vocabulary during the actual game. Wait until the room is in some sort of an uproar over a bad call, then holler, “A noose, a tree . . . let’s hang the referee!” It’s always safe to pick on a man that doesn’t weigh 285 lbs, who carries a whistle, and always speaks in pantomime.
10. If none of this is working for you, continue nodding and being polite, offering all the uptight, nervous pacing men (and other guests who come in late) your spot on the sofa. Do this until every seat in the house is taken and you have to sit on the toilet in the bathroom. Bring guacamole.
Happy Super Bowl Sunday!
PS. If you’re still bored watching the game, (and you happen to be Jewish) you can read my monthly humor article RIGHT HERE. This one is on keeping the Yiddish language alive. Did you know it’s dying?
So many of those suggestions are awesome. I, however, rudely slept through the entire thing. I would have been a bigger hit if I’d made the sandwich stadium.
Lol or you could have just left a note for someone (you like?) To come tackle you in bed?? Thanks so much for commenting!
I see there are lots of Yiddish speaking football fans here. When yelling out names of players might I suggest you call out a player who is actually in the game or has played within the last few years. Also, if you actually did make the guacamole out of green bananas it is probably better you do not say who made it. There will be other fans just like you who are not much into the game who will be eating that stuff too. I know for me my Super Bowl Sunday was a winner, thanks to you.
Read your yiddish piece. Have I told you that: Oyay Iay amay ryingtay otay gbrinay kbacay igpay atinlay?
When the ref has made a bad call, could you do a swan-dive over all the men huddled around the set with a four twelve cry of ‘somebody just KILL me! K I L L me!’? 🎬 😱
I’ve never been to the super bowl nor have I watched a game so it’s now on my list, Steph! 🏉🏉🏉😃
That was supposed to be oy vey! Talk about the Yiddish language dying… the spell check on my iPhone certainly doesn’t seem to be helping!
Oh ok– we cross posted about that typo. Great minds!
Oh, yes I see now, ha, ha ! Much as I would like to take credit for the humor there, it was a type-o fair and square. Ironic, don’t you think?
I think I’ll go with the P.S. option. I never could stand football. What’s this I hear about the Yiddish language dying? It vey!!!
Hahahaha!!! Did you put “it” on purpose to show how cellphones are doing their part to kill it? Hilarious!
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Here in Canada we don’t even get the cool commercials…will totally be taking my guacamole into the bathroom and reading blogs! Did you know there’s a blog inspired game, called last man standing, where the last one to know who wins the super bowl is the champion?!? That’s a sport I can get behind, so no spoilers lol
I did NOT know any of this! Where have I been without you commenting all these months? In the dark!
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Game ON 😉
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I want to make that sandwich! How cool is that 😋 Happy Super Bowl Sunday my creative and talented and beautiful friend!
Ha! Omg! You came here and commented! Forget that cute quarterback’s arm…. This makes my entire Sunday!
My mother is so bad with dissing the game in general that she’s been banished from my brother-in-law’s today. She wasn’t planning on going anyway…too much yelling and screaming. We’re thinking a drive to Napa might be nice. The roads are empty. Have a good one Steph! With or without the guac’.
My Poor Bunky has to reread this same post every year with just a few tiny updates. What a faithful roomie! Your mother probably now will try anything to sneak into the party. Hey, I always want what’s forbidden to me….Have fun if you go to Napa!
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