I wrote and published a book. That should have been enough.
I did this to prove to my competitive brother that I too, could accomplish something important. He finally believed me. That should have been enough.
Other people read my book. They liked it. That should have been enough.
But nooooooo…
The following is a 19 step game plan you should NEVER use to get lots of book reviews.
- Feel confidant that you are the new Hemingway and the public has waited with bated breath for your book. (Contemplate whether that should be bated or baited? Feel a twinge of regret that you didn’t hire a book editor.)
- Decide that getting one or two online reviews couldn’t hurt.
- Give your best friend (of twenty years) your precious baby and anticipate her gasping at the acknowledgments page. Give her the extra expensive hardcover version with the dust jacket. GIVE. Yes for free.
- Check Amazon every day for two weeks.
- After no book review surfaces, begin to check Goodreads.
- Realize she’s probably a bit miffed that you forgot to sign the book for her. You better get used to jealous fans behaving this way. She’s feeling neglected and of course this prevents her from writing a glowing review like she normally would. Vindictive little thing, isn’t she! Sour grapes much?
- Give another copy of your novel to your mother. Yes, your elderly mother who thinks Amazon is a rainforest in Australia. She’s almost as good at computer technology as she is with geography.
- Wonder how you will tone down the number of times Mom uses her favorite words ‘Spellbinding’ and ‘Genius’ in her book review of your novel on Barnes & Noble. Thank goodness mom HAS heard of Barnes & Noble.
- Meanwhile decide the barter method has merit. That’s where you agree to do something for an individual and in return they’ll write you a book review. It’s such a simple thing to write a book review (really, it is!) so think of small gestures you can do in trade. Let’s see . . . I know! Buy the person a cup of coffee while they get cozy and read your book. Or bake them cookies. Perhaps write a poem on their behalf that they can give to their spouse on Valentines Day, although that seems a bit much for just one book review.
- Draw the line at cleaning their entire house, mowing their lawn, and babysitting their four brats. What do they think the barter method is anyhow, a replacement for Craig’s List?
- Realize that all these years you never knew it, but your entire family and circle of friends are illiterate.
- Answer the phone when your mother calls to ask if you’ll come to her book club and discuss your book? Agree enthusiastically. There are seven little old ladies there and this represents seven potential book reviews. Actually nine, if a few of them forget they already wrote one and do it a second time!
- At the ladies book club, take a sip of water so your throat doesn’t parch after reading twenty chapters aloud. Remind yourself to clarify to your mother that authors make appearances at book clubs AFTER the book has already been read.
- Return to book club a week later with a package of batteries for their hearing aids. Finish reading your book to them and rave about the prune pie the hostess serves. Schedule one last visit with these lovely ladies to answer any questions about the plot so they can go online and write reviews.
- Return to book club for the very last time and act surprised that the common question about the plot seems to be “what happened in this book?” Smile and hand out pre-written, short, flattering, (but all very different!) reviews that they can post online for you.
- Schedule a follow-up visit to teach everyone how to go online and navigate “The Amazon,” as they refer to it. Say (under your breath) that it would be simpler to teach them to navigate the jungle in South America. Be proud of your geography knowledge. Repeat the sarcastic remark again (much louder) when it’s clear nobody has their hearing aid turned on.
- Head over to see your best friend and offer to autograph the title page of your book, especially for her.
- Clean her entire house, mow her lawn, and babysit her four brats.
- Finally discover a handful of book reviews have surfaced online! Here is what they look like:
My sister wrote this book. She didn’t have to prove anything to me. I always knew she had it in her. Therefore I didn’t need to read it, but maybe you should?
Stephanie D. Lewis cleans house fairly well, although she doesn’t do windows. My kids enjoyed their time with her but they are easily amused. Her lawn-mowing skills leave much to be desired. My name was spelled wrong in the acknowledgments page. If she would have hired me (a book editor) to help her, this would have been avoided. Pass on this atrocity!
My daughter (a genius author) and I will be heading to Australia soon. I plan to read her book on the plane and will come back to give my opinion of it right here. My review will be spellbinding. That’s how you’ll know she takes after me.
And then nine short blurbs all thanking me for giving them “Outernet lessons” so patiently because nobody else would. Bless their hearts.
My next book will be an exposé on authors who write their own fake reviews on Amazon. What nerve.
Oh….and this book? Right HERE. But you are forbidden to review it.
20. Resort to reverse psychology with your blog followers.
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You had me in stitches I was laughing so hard at this blog post while totally feeling your pain! 🙂 Kudos on the post & I will gladly download your book AND review it on my blog. 🙂
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What a sweetheart you are to leave such a nice comment on a stranger’s blog…. or just a strange person’s blog (cuz we now know one another!) thank you for such kindness!
Stephanie
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Lolll. Hilarious.
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Thanks so much! May I ask where you’re finding this? This piece is suddenly getting a lot of hits today and I’m not sure why since it’s a bit older. Thank you so much for popping in!
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Another blogger reblogged it and since I’m a book reviewer I thought I’d check it out 🙂
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Oh! Was this just today or a while ago? Thanks for such a quick reply!
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Think they’re coming from my blog. Lol. I reblogged it because it’s so funny. I found it by chance looking for book reviewers. I’m trying to find people who might be interested in reviewing mine.
This is me: http://www.gemstoneauthor.co.uk
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This was a great read. Very entertaining. I’m publishing my first book in a couple of weeks. I’ll be sure to remember what not to do lol
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I’m thrilled that you came to say hello and your comment means so much to me. Good luck with the book! Come back and leave me a link.
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How did I NOT know you wrote a book?! Brilliant marketing ploy!!!
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Lol. It was well before it became the in thing to do. My father didn’t have a long time to live actually and I wanted to publish before it was too late.
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OK. # 20 worked. I’m reading it now 🙂
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Really DGLW? Lol. The whole beginning is all me. Once the really action starts there’s still a lot of me but chapter 20…. NOT ME…. Lol. Means a lot to me that you’d read, bloggymate, thank you!
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What kind of mate would I be otherwise? And thanks for the heads up! Chapter 20, eh? 😉
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That was exhausting work to get those glowing, not so much reviews. I’d like to think time better spent having a party with the computer open and after a brief synopsis of the plot. Have a few folks from the audience read aloud and then give a door prize for the best review written on the spot that night. Be sure and do this BEFORE too much alcohol has been consumed. Very funny list.
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I was seriously HOWLING at this!!! Oh my gosh you are HILARIOUS, Stephanie!! I fear this will be going on over in my world SOON. LOL
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Oh thank you so much my friend! This will NOT be you, lol… Your book is filled with purpose and meaning. Everyone watch for “Help and Hope While You’re Healing” by Christine Carter. Soon to be released!
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Thanks for the advice. When I publish my book, I will definitely not do these things. Well, maybe I won’t. Well, then again. Oh, well.
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HA! You’ve got a lovely sense of humor. 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing — you’re hilarious!
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No, thank YOU so much for taking time to visit and comment! Stephanie
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The things we do to do the things we yearn… I read this with my early morning coffee and nearly spilt it while reading!!!
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Hope it was from laughing? Was there milk in your coffee so we can at least say No use crying over spilt milk? 😉 Thanks so much for popping in and taking the time to comment! Stephanie
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Hahahha. Yes there was milk! So now we brought the adage to life! I had fun reading your blog! Zahra
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Hahahha. Yes there was milk! So now we brought the adage to life! I had fun reading your blog! Have a good day. Zahra
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Trying to keep my laughter from waking up the house!
PS: your reverse pyschology worked. You won’t even have to mow my lawn 😉
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Really? Thanks….. i’ll still prune your flowerbed. Why does that sound oddly sexual? Anyhow glad I could make you giggle. Thanks so much for reading/commenting!
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And now I’m laughing out loud in the parking lot while I mentally choose flowerbeds for you to prune! Thanks for making my day 🙂
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This is so hilarious! I love it. 😊
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You just made my (boring Sunday) night…. thank you! Stephanie
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And you just made my Sunday morning much lovelier! 😀 thank you.
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Hey, have you ever done a serious on job seeking/interviewing? I could sure use some job search humor at the moment. It can sure get you down!
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Congratulations on publishing. (I didn’t read or review yet, not necessarily in that order.) Thought I was the only writer who had illiterate friends and family. Good to know.
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You’ve forgotten 20 and 21…make fake Amazon accounts and review the book yourself and hold a gun to their heads.
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Rolling on floor laughing.
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Aww thank you. And so sweet to reblog. Have a great rest of weekend, Stephanie
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Reblogged this on Abbie's Corner of the World and commented:
This is definitely how I will not get people to review my new book, My Ideal Partner. Check it out at http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm .
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