This Man Knows Me Inside-Out (and he’s never even met me!)


BLOG_freelancers_H-645x285Not a day goes by that I don’t get an email from this most perceptive, intuitive, and thoroughly insightful guy. An online relationship expert I’ll call “The Love Bug” to protect his privacy here.

How he found me in the first place, I’ll never know — but I’ve been utterly fascinated by his email subject titles. And he apparently personally writes them all JUST FOR ME because my name is always front and center.

Have a look at some screenshots of his emails. First he tells me that I’m dreadful dating material . . .

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But he can hear my sighs!

And he’s “got” me.

Next comes this . . .

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Wow, he really does think I’m the problem. So I read it. And he’s 100% right. It’s an utter fiasco dating myself. I tell myself stale jokes I’ve heard 100 times before, I never like what I order in restaurants, and I toss and turn in bed — plus steal my own blankets.

So then he goes on to suggest . . .

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I guess since I’m a “difficult date” I’ll need to settle for cyber. But it seems I’ve already got “an interesting man” writing to me. Every. Single. Day. “The Love Bug!” And yes, I certainly do know the deal. (And the drill.)

He follows it up with some fascinating questions in his subject titles. Things I’d never dared wonder about before. Like this . . .

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Although I was kinda hoping those two things had been minimized after I had my breast reduction surgery.

And then something everyone should ask themselves at one time or another . . .

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Gosh. We both receive rocks on Halloween night?

Then he just starts shooting out a bunch of (apparently!) necessary advice.

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I quickly solved the “walking all over me” problem by buying an Oriental rug, so guys could step on that instead.

He must’ve approved of that solution because next I get this:FullSizeRender (71)

And here I thought all along that I WAS THE BAD DATE??

Next he sent a surprising revelation that was a bit hard to swallow:

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Why are you even in this business then???

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Not really. But now that he mentions brooms, I don’t like it when men sweep stuff under the rug. In fact I absolutely HATE that behavior. But I should have guessed Love Bug knows me better than even I know myself, because he writes back quickly — this time reiterating the 3 other things he knows I hate besides avoidant men . . .

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But hey, at least he put that comma in-between “hate” and “Stephanie” (see pic above) or else I’d be getting a complex right about now.

Well now it seems he thinks there’s still a little hope for me because he sends this subject title next.

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I decide this must be one POTENT email and I’ll save it for someone super special. Finally I decide upon George Clooney. I forward the above email to my handsome (unrequited) celebrity with a message asking him to merely read it (and then prepare to fall head over heels for yours truly!) but so far it’s done nothing for him. I subsequently also let my mailman get a quick peek at the email and now he’s smiling more often at me, so it wasn’t a total loss.

But apparently Love Bug thought both George and the postal worker were bad choices because I got this:

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And how come I don’t have any recollection of emailing him back??  I am starting to get worried about what else I don’t remember doing!

So I write to him, (this time consciously!) making my case that my mailman was actually pretty nice and now I even get my packages carried up to my front porch!

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“I don’t think so,” I write back. “He’s now taken to sorting all my junk mail and puts the coupons on top! I may just have to play ‘postman’ with him soon!”

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OMG!  I was only joking around! I value old-fashioned letter-carriers who wear uniforms, so sue me. But I can assure you, I am NOT a loose woman. Doesn’t he know that about me already? (Also did you notice he mentions a wife here??? Does SHE know he corresponds with me every day?? Hmmm)

Then the Love Bug does something incredible! He proves to me he’s not like every other man I meet by sending these two subjects back to back!

 

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Wow, I am so impressed with his integrity and humility. So I write him again and say, “All is forgiven. I don’t really think the mailman is all that hot anyhow. Actually I don’t find any male all that hot.

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Honestly, nobody likes a Know-it-all!

And then comes his first astonishing confession . . .

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Seriously?? Well I know it was NOT with me. I would have remembered something like that. I have a friend Tiffany, who also receives this same love expert’s email advice, (so much for my personal name shining in the subject!) so perhaps he cheated with Tiffany? The hussy. Turns out she read the same message and thought it was with me he’d been philandering with.

By then The Love Bug follows this shocker up with another email saying, “just teasing” and actually he had gone all Dorothy on us! He really hadn’t committed an infidelity — he thought he had cheated but then he woke up and it was just a dream he had of being an adulterer, like the tired plot device in The Wizard of Oz. But he did describe this dream in vivid detail to his loving wife who simply said, “That’s nice, honey. Shall we have lamb or chicken tonight?” He then used this entire scenario to illustrate the ultimate trust between a man and woman.

At this point, I am thinking I’ve had just about enough of this guy’s bizarre 6th sense and his other shenanigans as well, so I casually click unsubscribe.

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Alrighty then, do you see what he’s doing here?? He’s projecting how he feels about my leaving his email-subscription list onto me.

So I thought I’d make it perfectly clear who is pulling away from whom just one more time, so I send an email with UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject title.

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Really, Love Bug Sir?!  You’re still doing this reverse psychology thing on me?  Let’s get things straight. I’m pulling away from YOU and YOU’RE the desperate one doing the luring!

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Clearly this is a dig that he is now going to make Tiffany his main cyber gal. FINE WITH ME! So I write back and tell him I’ve had better relationship advice from a lady bug and the only reason I can justify his being “The Love Bug” is because he’s starting to really bug me and he should buzz off!

FullSizeRender (100)Interesting reframe. I insult him and tell him off and he calls it “sharing.” I decide ignoring him is the best plan. He continues to send me emails and finally this….

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Haha! Even my six kids don’t stoop to that dumb tact when they want me to pay attention to them. I ignore some more. He tries flattery.

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And it’s not even Thanksgiving! I write back that I am also grateful for the time we had together and don’t mean to nitpick, but I’m just not feeling it anymore.

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I don’t see any need to defend myself for not liking mushrooms, olives, or him — so I write back saying I actually now have a solid boyfriend and am moving on to home decorating expert email lists.

He tries the “ticking clock” stunt on me.

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Then he tosses out some random Kenny Roger’s poker advice.

FullSizeRenderFollowed by another personal insult because obviously he knows my large bra cup size too.

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Triggered, I quickly fire back that my boyfriend tells me all the time how much he adores my breasts, thank you very much.

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That does it. He’s just begging for it now! I start my own email list regarding, “Advice For Online Relationship Coaches.” I harass him every night before I go to sleep with subjects like, “Hi Love Bug! Do You Know if You’ve Helped a Couple or Just Instigated a Divorce?” and “What Happens When an Email listee Contacts Your Wife and Tells Her She’s The Subject of Much of Your Relationship Advice, Love Bug?”

Finally I can’t resist and send one final email with a subject header that says, “What Do You and Lucy (From the Peanuts comic strip) Have in Common?” In the body of the email it says, “Both of your advice is worth about 5 cents!

I never heard from Love Bug again.

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Hi Readers – – This was a fun blog for me to write, but because the emails were legit, I blocked out any identifying information with those silly hat images. But maybe you recognize the guy’s blue collared shirt?? DISCLAIMER: Before you feel too sorry for me, you might notice the dates of his emails are all out of order. I took them out of context to add humor in this mostly fictional tale where the main point was a woman (me!) thinking someone is writing to her PERSONALLY just because her name is on it, when it’s really sent out to the masses.

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18 thoughts on “This Man Knows Me Inside-Out (and he’s never even met me!)

  1. OH MY GOSH! Actually, I am exclaiming some pretty remarkable profanity in my head but I feel it would behoove me to not yell it out loud here. LOL

    Seriously- this REALLY happened?

    I’m SO creeped out for you,Stephanie. Like this guy is a total sleaze and I can NOT believe he is a ‘coined’ a relationship expert. WHA? Over a million subscribers? DOUBLE WHA?

    I absolutely LOVE that you exposed him in this post- and your hilarious humor made this delightfully entertaining despite his horrific stalking. 🙂

    WOW. Just wow.

    I hope he sees this- but I sure wish you could call him out by name and business. I hate to think of all the women who are stuck in his sticky web unknowingly and unsure what to do to detach and get the he– out!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are such a doll but I think I need to edit the article to let people know the emails were all real but if you look at the dates, I have taken them out of order to fictionalize the overall arc of this little incident. I just wanted to poke fun at how “personalized” these mass emails can seem when they aren’t really written for you, even though your name is used! Thanks for visiting Christine, it’s always pure bliss.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. If this guy is for real, and has a million subscribers too, he’s not worth your time or effort. It was probably funny at first, then a bit interesting, then a whole lot interesting, but when he exposed himself to see how you would react, it wasn’t the reaction he wanted. By expressing the truth about himself, he was virtually admitting to being a male slut. He’s probably trying to outdo Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who disclosed he had slept with an unimaginable number of women while plating basketball. Your “Love Bug” is trying to smash that number to smithereens, and if he really has a million followers, well, he probably already has. So count him -1 for you, and consider yourself lucky. He sounds like a player who started believing his own hype, and figured he could get any woman he puts his “under-mind” to get.
    How women feel about this guy I won’t even try to figure out. He heard the old saying, “Any news is good news, even when it’s bad news,” and found out it is true. It supposedly makes a man like that a challenge to women to turn him into a good person, but his wife has already given up on that and hopefully puts him through hell every night he is home with her, because she knows what he is doing those nights he is not home.
    But really, because of the last time I replied to one of your blogs, only to find out what the punch line was, I can’t help but wonder what the punch line to this blog is going to be. Are you the Love Bug in drag? Leading yourself into a schizophrenic fugue? Because I think, no, I think I know you have a trick up your sleeveless nightgown, and you can count me as being a two-time sucker. My problem is that I believe women, no matter what they say, and if I have any feeling at all of what is going on, I can’t keep my mouth shut.
    (And if that line isn’t chalk-full of unintentional sexual imagery, then I best give back my poet’s card, and go back to writing prose…)

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    • You crack me up! Always remember you’re on a humor blog where the author takes a seed of truth or a kernel of factual evidence and then grows it into absurdity for (hopefully) a few smiles. These were all legit emails (and subject titles) from this “love expert” but they were purposely taken out of context (you can see the dates are completely out of order!) for the sake of constructing a new “fictional” experience. However I do enjoy your vivid and eloquent comments so much that it makes me wish everything I write really did go down the way that I depict! Thank you for bringing the passion! Stephanie

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      • My pleasure is to please. But I try to do it with such a straight face my humour goes almost unnoticed. I’m not sure between us who is the straight person and who is the real funny person, it can go either way. But as I said, I now know you have a punch line hidden somewhere, so I can seriously play to it, when I get the right set up. It helps a lot that I understand most men “to my eternal displeasure.” Men are just such assses that it brings out the mewl in me.

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