20 Tips on How NOT To Create a Successful Blog!


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  1. Decide that you need a new hobby, but because you’re a raging alcoholic and also because you have terrible knee injuries, home beer-brewing or bodybuilding would be risky and painful. By default, blogging seems a sobering and safe pastime.
  2. Announce to everyone and their uncle that your exciting mystery blog (more colorful and explosive than fireworks!) will burst into the World Wide Web on July 4th, 2017.
  3. Starting July 1st, send countdown emails to everyone you know. “4 More Days Until Mystery Blog!” then “3 More Days Until Mystery Blog!” etc. until finally it’s just “1 More Day Until Mystery Blog!”
  4. Become nervous with all the pressure and expectations you’ve built up and on the day of your blog’s birth, scramble for a good domain name and any interesting content.
  5. Call your new baby simply, “My Mystery Blog!” and make your first post a list of good places to view fireworks across the country. There! That oughta hold ’em until July 5th.
  6. Realize you need someone to host your blog, but nobody has the good manners to offer. Don’t be a rude guest and blatantly ask someone to host it for you. Briefly consider hiring Hostess, but then you’d have to write about Twinkies and Cupcakes. Conclude you’ve read enough Martha Stewart magazines to be able to Self-Host.
  7. Install WordPress even though you’ve never even installed carpet, tile, or a kitchen sink before. But don’t worry about installing any of those “plugins” — after all, it’s not like you need an outlet for a toaster. And certainly skip over anything that has the word “Yoast” in it. If they can’t be bothered to correct their typo in the word “Toast,” why should you be bothered to prepare bread with jam? Just have a bagel and cream-cheese instead.
  8. Choose whatever theme you prefer. Just avoid flying toasters as that’s passΓ©.
  9. Contemplate whether you want to allow comments or not. Go ahead and permit comments, but make sure the people who leave them must first prove they are human by solving for X if Y = Yoast. To the 10th power.
  10. Find your blogging niche, which is just another way of saying “write what you’re passion about.” It can be anything except for Passion itself. Being passionate about passion is like being curious about curiosity. You’re not Alice in Wonderland.
  11. Define your ideal reader and then promptly forget about your blogging niche. From now on, you’ll want to solely cater your writing specifically for your new Followers. Example: Your very first subscriber goes by the name of, “Eat to the Beat!” They’re probably into food, so blog about recipes. However they might also be into music so write about Billboard’s Top 40. Your next follower’s name is “MamaBelly” so be sure and make your post about getting pregnant. However “MamaBelly” could mean they want to lose weight, so cover your bases and review the 5 Best Low Carb Diets. Your third and fourth subscriber’s names are “Raindrops on Roses” and “Where the Sun Don’t Shine” so play it safe and just blog about the weather. Keep incorporating a wide variety of topics in each post until every single reader feels you’re speaking directly to them. Never write just for yourself — you’re the last person who will be reading your blog.
  12. When people begin to remark it’s impossible to predict your subject matter, remind them that’s why you are “A Mystery Blog.” Tag your stuff with words like, “Guess What Now?” and “Mishmash” and “Hodgepodge.”
  13. Figure out the best time of day to post a new blog, taking into consideration all the different time zones of your 8 followers. Evening hours work best if you want your blog to be considered a cure for insomnia.
  14. Decide you’ve lived your life a bit too safely, never running a red light or telling a single white lie. Google lots of awesome photo images for your blog posts and then cut n’ paste without paying for them or giving proper attribution. Stay up late at night flirting with disaster and tempting fate each time your blog is viewed.
  15. Hire a lawyer to plea bargain on your behalf for Copyright Infringement.
  16. Admit that this whole thing is far more work than you thought and invite a friend to co-author your blog with you. But always place your initials in parenthesis after an especially witty sentence so that readers will continue to know it’s really still YOU they’re laughing at. (LMM)
  17. Never visit other blogs. Once you begin reading their stuff, you will be distracted from writing your own. Or worse, accused of trespassing. It’s “a blog eat blog world out there” so mind your own business! If you do peruse other blogs, take care to leave zero evidence behind. Even a short “this was great!” comment can enable the blog owner to retrace the breadcrumbs back to your blog and then the jig is up. Didn’t your mother ever read Hansel and Gretel to you?
  18. Invite businesses onto your site so you can make money by keeping a percentage of what they sell. Hookers will fight over who gets to stand in front of your blog advertising “their wares.” But that happens on popular street corners as well. A good pimp will settle disputes.
  19. Don’t write articles with titles on, “How NOT to Do Something.” This will be confusing, deceiving, and contradictory. Should people do as you say but NOT as you do? No! Should they NOT do as you say and NOT do as you do? Yes!
  20. And lastly, check your statistics obsessively because they will tell the entire story of your success. If you see a lot of search terms having to do with raging alcoholics and terrible knee injuries, congratulate yourself on choosing the best hobby for you . . . BLOGGING!

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https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/loop/

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18 thoughts on “20 Tips on How NOT To Create a Successful Blog!

  1. This is the first “How to Blog” blog I’ve ever read that was useful. Or rather, it was the first “How Not to Blog” blog that was not unhelpful in coaching me to not blog in a not effective manner. I”m not sure how not to not thank you for not not helping me not to blog incorrectly.

    I’m not sure what I just said, but thanks for a great blog!

    Like

  2. I have a chronic disease called Wegener’s granulomatosis. People with that disease on a support forum is used to haunt refer to themselves as “weggies”. I’m male, hence “weggieboy” seemed like a good user name and name for my new blog back in 2009 when I started blooging, “weggieboy’s blog”.

    Shortly after it became a bit established (after it made no sense to start over with a more suitable name…!), I learned people confused the name with “wedgie”, a cruel bullyboy behavior where the bully yanks the victim’s underwear from behind, causing excrutiating pain and discomfort! LOL!

    Not me. No. Not weggieboy, yet that was the name I branded myself with.

    Lots of confused bullies pulled up my blog, trying to make a connection between abusing the weak with wedgies and really cute smoke Persian cats namedf Dougy and Andy.

    I’m sure I caused them considerable mental distress, and when they went out to get their kittens to fine tune their bullying ways, they became confused with victims and got wedgies from bullies unfamiliar with my blog. Mea culpa! Mea culpa! (And damn glad for their discomfort! I used to be the victim!)

    Once I reidentified the blog with the tagline “surviving retirement with two cats”, weggieboy’s blog took off, though the wedgie crowd dropped off significantly. Of course, now my two Persian kitty boys are minor international kitty celebrities and no one really knows who “weggieboy” is.

    I survived one of the major mistakes of bloggery though – not defining your primary theme adequately in my blog’s name. (Who knew there is room for yet another cat blog among the 5,987,645 other cat blogs? The actual number of cat blogs is unknown, but Googling “how many cat blogs there are suggests my estimate is correct within one or two blogs…!)

    Liked by 3 people

    • Well I’ve been in a recent car accident and my vision is slightly blurred so at first glance I thought “Wow! I’m getting a nice long comment from Veggieboy! I wonder if he can help me like brussel sprouts?” Seriously you really made me giggle with this long saga and I can totally relate to the issue of wrong branding because I deemed myself Little Miss Menopause and I NEVER want to write about hot flashes ever again! Thanks so much for coming over and taking the time to leave such an awesome and funny comment, fellow two Persian kitty boys owner!
      Stephanie

      Liked by 3 people

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