And if you got lost in that title, perhaps this is not the blog for you to read today!
Everyone knows that what we say and what we are thinking can be (and often are in the case of conversations with the opposite sex!) two ENTIRELY different things. The first time a new couple spends an overnight together can be super awkward, but you’d never know it if you were a fly on the wall because they’ll never speak the truth aloud.
But now thanks to my modern technology, you’ll get to find out what’s really going through their heads just as if you WERE that proverbial fly on the wall – only with mind-reading superpowers! Let’s listen:
(For our purposes, what’s actually being spoken is NOT transcribed below, only their inner thoughts. Please use your imagination for what was really being said!)
Narrator: Our couple slowly enters the arena of her bedroom for the very first time together, to try their hand at the Intimacy Game.
HER: Oh my god, it’s so hot in here and I hate perspiring! But if I open the windows my neighbors will hear everything. Yet I know he expects me to make noise. What to do? What to do?
HIM: Let’s get sweaty and loud, baby!
HER: Am I supposed to stand here while he passionately rips my clothes off? Or take the initiative and do some sort of maddeningly slow striptease? Taking care to leave on the heels? Men like that, right? Whoops….I forgot I’m wearing boots. Boots are the exception to that rule.
HIM: What is taking so long to get naked?
HER: Do I keep the overhead light on or turn it off so it’s darker in here? Or maybe turn the ceiling light off so it’s not like a spotlight, but casually flick on the lamp atop the nightstand. Should I do that with both or just the one nightstand? OMG, I hope this isn’t a “one night stand!” Maybe I should just turn the bathroom light on and leave the door slightly ajar so it illuminates the room enough for him to get turned on when I do a striptease? So I guess it’s settled and I’m doing the striptease then. Hmmm, when doing my striptease, am I supposed to turn on the clock radio or just hum? Or maybe it should be a silent striptease like in the olden days before film had any …
HIM: What the hell is taking so long to get naked?
HER: Was that a ripping sound! Ugh. Impatient men like him don’t deserve women who seductively strip for them! And that was a really expensive designer blouse he just tore. I thought he’d never get the right angle to slide my boots off. And now the leg of my skinny jeans won’t slip over my calf. Great, I’ll be known as the lover with the “cankles” from here on in. What idiot invented the word cankle anyway? Was it him??
HIM: Damn cankles. How do men undress women with just their teeth? I’m tugging with all my might and can’t get these jeans off. She should have independently undressed herself in a more sexy way for me and then we wouldn’t be in this position. And her socks stink. “Sex with boots” = my new kinky motto.
HER: His feet smell awful — I’m opening the windows now for certain. But my neighbor needs sleep so it’s just tough luck if he thinks loud moaning and naughty talking is a huge turn on? And who says “naughty?” Somehow I don’t think a girl who IS actually naughty would say “naughty.”
HIM: So far not a peep out of her. Our phone sex was way more exciting than this. Is she a mime?
HER: Ow. Seriously ow ow ow, you jerk! What dumb Youtube video did you watch to get the idea to do THAT? Please hurry that weird maneuver up because I can’t take even another thirty seconds.
HIM: Wow. She’s totally loving this. She wants more time spent here.
HER: What does my body look like when viewed from on top?
HIM: She seems bored. Change positions!
HER: What does my body look like when viewed from below?
HIM: She still doesn’t seem satisfied. New position!
HER: What does my body look like when viewed from behind?
HER: What does my body look like when viewed from the bathroom?
HIM: She’s just sooooo bad.
HER: Does he think I’m “bad” naughty? Or “bad” awful?
HIM: Why didn’t we have a first time already, so this could be our second time?
HER: MUST relax! Just stop all my thinking. Make my mind a complete blank. I’ll never get there if I have this ongoing monologue running in my head. Wait! He never sent me his STD test results. Can I somehow work that topic into my naughty girl talk?? Must relax!
HIM: Do NOT relax! Keep thinking about holding back. Concentrate. Ladies first. Focus! And how come I had to get tested, but she didn’t? Keep thinking about that. That’s a real climax killer.
HER: Obviously it’s not happening. How many couple’s have it happen for the woman on their first time anyhow? I’m so Googling that. Okay, high school theater acting lessons, Take 1. Sorry in advance, neighbors!
HIM: I’m an awesome stud!
HER: Meg Ryan, you’ve got some fierce competition.
HIM: I’m exhausted. Please no talking.
HER: I’m exhausted. Please no snoring.
HIM: I’m used to sleeping on the other side of the bed. How do I tell her to move? I wish I could just go home.
HER: How do you say “I have to be up early….please just go home,” nicely?
NARRATOR: Well all things considered, overall this couple did very well in their first intimacy arena. For not having much training time together, their presentation was adequate, their form was actually quite precise. But their timing was a little off, and their positioning could use some work, so perhaps in the next event they’ll enter as singles instead of doubles. No word yet on whether both of them will advance to the next round. But one thing is certain, I’m out of a job. They’ve both got this Narration thing down pat!