Here are my (but not THE official) UNPRECEDENTED Coronavirus guidelines:
1. Stay home unless you deem it “Essential” and then you should still stay home unless you must buy essential binge foods.
2. A face mask is useless and may even do more harm than good because you’ll touch your face a lot to adjust it. However masks might be mandatory by the time you read this. Acne and pore diminishing masks should only be considered if you don’t own a bandana.
3. Gloves are useless. Unless you put them on before and after you touch your face to adjust your mask.
4. Avoid handling things like handles. But wash your hands and the handles a lot if you do. Do not handle the soap with your hands.
5. You should never go to a hospital unless you show severe symptoms. Symptoms change daily so don’t go to a hospital until you are to a point that you cannot breathe and that’s how you will know you should have been hospitalized.
6. This virus can be deadly, but only for the elderly and people with pre-existing conditions — which will not change nearly as much as the early warning signs do.
7. Younger people can get it too but only when they’re a little older and develop a pre-existing condition from aging.
8. Everyone should stay safely inside, but it’s important to go outside to get fresh air and exercise.
9. There will NOT be any shortages in grocery stores except for empty shelves from people buying a lot of what they anticipate they’ll need to stay inside for a really long time if they dislike exercising in fresh air.
10. If you have antibodies you probably cannot get it unless you find a study that says you can.
11. You will NOT get it from animals even though we believe it started from an animal. Your dogs cannot give it to you unless they have an infected surface area that you cuddle without wearing ineffective gloves. Nobody snuggles a cat so they’re not on the list except for a few felines here or there so avoid watching The Tiger King.
12. After 15 days of not showing symptoms, you can go get fresh air and exercise (and binge foods) if you stay 6 feet away and are asymptomatic.
13. You can still be a carrier if you’re asymptomatic, but not if you’re asymmetric.
13. The beaches are closed because fresh air and exercise are not good there because there’s too much open space and the ocean breeze makes it more difficult for people to measure 6 ft.
14. Don’t worry if you are kept at home barefoot and pregnant because it’s only carried to your carpets on the bottoms of shoes.
15. You cannot go anywhere near a retirement home, but you should bring the elderly food and medicine since no deliveries can be made as they are locked up tighter than a drum.
16. Stop sharing musical instruments like drums.
17. If you are sick, stay home. You will get sicker at a hospital.
18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who found some effective masks and gloves. But you shouldn’t allow them to leave the food in bags on your old doormat because that’s where non-pregnant Girl Scouts might have stood (wearing shoes!) back when that was your favorite binge food and nobody knows how long the virus really lasts on Thin Mint packaging.
19. Everyone has a niece or an uncle who works on the front lines or is an infectious disease specialist so don’t panic when they tell you what they know.
20. “They do not know what they do not know.”
21. You can’t see your older mother or grandmother so stop feeling guilty for not wanting to. Guilt lowers your immune system
22. You should have had more children so quarantining would provide enough people to play Clue or other board games that need 4-6 players.
23. You are perfectly safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance which was determined by research models (yes plus size models were used!) but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at this same exact social distance.
24. The virus remains active on different surfaces for several hours, maybe days? But only if there are droplets. You can harness the virus using aerosols, but that’s not recommended because those can damage the ozone layer.
25. The virus could be evaporating and coming back to earth in heavy rainstorms but that plot is copyrighted for a movie.
26. We count the number of deaths but we don’t know the exact percentage that died because we need to divide that by the number of people infected and since we have not tested everyone yet, we made this a Census year so we can find out if we should be multiplying instead of dividing and conquering. Common Core.
27. We have no known treatment, except that there may be one that apparently is not fatal, unless you take too much of it from an aquarium. Fish are not in any danger.
28. We should stay in our homes until the virus disappears, but it will only vanish if we achieve herd immunity, so when it circulates in our area, we should not completely hide from it. Just like you stopped washing your second and third baby’s pacifiers after they fell on the floor. (If you DID have a 3rd baby, lucky you—more board game options are available, plus a lively round of charades!)
29. All the governors say Girl Scouts WILL be immune by next cookie season.
30. The only truly contagious thing is “unprecedented.” It’s spreading from people’s mouths to other people’s ears and the WHO is about to declare it an official Wordemic.
Ps. Yes, there are two # 13’s.
Pps. This is what my daughter’s corsage would have looked like IF she could go to her senior prom this year. It would have been stunning with her red dress.