Who’s Writing This Quirkiness?

 

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MEET “LITTLE MISS MENOPAUSE” AKA STEPHANIE DEBRA LEWIS

I got married for the first time on my 25th birthday.

No one should get married on their birthday because your spouse will combine a birthday and anniversary gift.

My all time favorite movie is After Hours, directed by Martin Scorsese.

Absolutely nobody has heard of the movie, After Hours, let alone seen it…eight times!

My ex-husband’s favorite car was his Mercedes.

I met him when I backed my Toyota into it.

I hate Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve because the expectation is you’re supposed to have romance and excitement.

You can’t have both romance and excitement. Pick one.

I always pick excitement.

That’s why my favorite holiday is Groundhog Day.

We have family portraits that hang all the way up our stairwell and last night a framed picture of me came crashing down to the floor.

My son told me that’s because I’m an “off-the-wall” type of mother.

My hair always has that wild and messy, wind-blown look.

Except when I ride in a convertible, then it suddenly looks neatly coifed.

I must stop the microwave when the timer says exactly 1 second, or else “something really bad” will happen.

The “something bad” will be much worse than overcooked carrots.

I don’t recycle.

That’s because I don’t know where all my neighbors get those green recycling bins.

When I’m running late to a potluck party I embellish on frozen food and tell everyone it is homemade.

Then I give out elaborate recipes with phony ingredient measurements and the proportions are way off.

I keep a journal on my nightstand next to my bed to record my dreams in.

Sometimes I wake up at 3 am and scribble “Buy contact lens solution and dog food” in it.
We don’t own a dog.

My biggest pet peeve is people who are late.

And they always phone at the exact time they are supposed to meet you to say, “I’m going to be late.”

They are not going to be late. They already are late. And they knew they would be late in advance, so they could’ve called earlier. Therefore they are even late with their excuse for being late.

I have a temper and have been known to throw things. Think Scarlett O’Hara.

I threw my favorite perfume bottle and it shattered everywhere, staining our couch. Then the company discontinued that particular scent so when I go out fancy, I have to roll on the sofa to smell nice.

When I get pulled over for a traffic ticket, I pretend to speak like the Gabor sisters. You need to leave now if you’re too young to know who they are.

The hardest part about giving birth is getting an I.V.

I feel really guilty when I honk at inept, slow drivers and then when I speed up to pass them, I see they are old people.

I pay my sons to kill bugs and spiders for me.

Daddy Long Legs are worth $5.50 each. My youngest will do two for $10.

When my kids are not home, I throw books from a distance to smash them.

I have no idea what happened to the top layer of our wedding cake that we saved in our freezer.

I think he ate it. And I’m sure he thinks I’m the one who scarfed it down.

I read the last page of books first. My good friend Ria taught me to do that to make sure it all turns out alright.

Sometimes I phone married people and sit silently on the line to see if they’ll accuse one another of having an affair.

In high school I was voted most likely to have a really nutty bio on her blog.

When I’m sad, I dial up the prerecorded movie schedules and sob uncontrollably into the phone.

One time when I was particularly grief-stricken, I thought the recorded voice told me to try a cup of tea instead of a movie. But I might have been mistaken.

I saved all my fortune cookie slips until one read, “Your sentimentality will cause you grief.”

People think if you don’t have freckles, you’re not a true redhead.

Tee shirts at Target for little girls say, “Princess.” Tee shirts for little boys say, “Here Comes Trouble.”

You would never guess my middle name. And I won’t tell you.

It isn’t Delores.

When I walked around a Vegas hotel, two men asked me if I was a showgirl. Two women asked me if I was a prostitute.

I was on the Price is Right. I lost my showcase and I’m sure it’s because I wouldn’t let Bob Barker kiss me.

After magic shows, I’m often found backstage convincing, cajoling, coaxing and coercing the magician to tell me his secrets.

I clean my house before our maid comes over. And wash my hair before I go to the salon.

I cannot believe the way my mother dressed me as a child.

I’m planning her wardrobe for a time when she gets too elderly to shop.

My favorite Twilight Zone episode is the one where the little girl falls into her wall.

When I meet people, the first thing I notice is their teeth.

They notice me noticing and immediately stop smiling.

I think the little paper clip guy in my Word program is adorable!

My kids think my mood swings are the most exciting thing on a playground.”

I believe the entire population should be made to wear a mood ring. Yes. Even. You.

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154 thoughts on “Who’s Writing This Quirkiness?

  1. Hi Stephanie and glad to have met you through the Women of Midlife grp! Honestly, you had me at “I hate Valentine’s and New Year’s Day”! Hahahah! I hate those too, with a passion!! Never understood the excitement people have over them, when to me, NY day is just so anticlimactic and Vday is just plain boring. Oh well. Thanks for the laugh and I hope I remember not to smile too much should we ever meet in person! ;-))

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. Outrageous is probably the best word to describe the few posts I’ve read. Other words that come to mind–awesome, hilarious, stupid (the ones that make me groan), great zingers, terrific one-liners. It’s too early, or too late depending on your perspective, for my brain to be fully functional.

    Like

  4. I’m really glad I found you, lol. I don’t know who the Gabor sisters are, but I’m all for being a rebel, so I think I’ll stick around. With your permission of course. What? I’m a good girl… sometimes. 😀

    Like

  5. This is hilarious. Although, my first husband and I got married on his birthday (we were engaged on mine), and I never combined gifts – he always got two. And I usually made a bigger deal out of his birthday than our anniversary.

    That said, several of his relatives told him to kiss his birthday goodbye.

    So what did I do the second time I got married? I picked the day between the anniversary of my grandpa’s funeral and the anniversary of my mom’s death. Between birthdays and morbid anniversaries (and the happy ones, too – a cousin got married the following year a day before our first anniversary), September is a busy month for us.

    Like

    • How sweet! I once read someone else’s hysterical blog while I was walking my dog (walk dog/read blog!) and started cracking up so hard that both the dog and the neighbors were staring at me. I thank you for coming to visit me. The visual of a chortling cubicle made my day!
      Stephanie
      ps. Snoopy didn’t hurt either!

      Like

  6. Hello there, I just discovered your blog and I find it highly amusing. I particularly liked your talk about people being late and calling to tell you that they’re going to be late, even though they are already late. I usually get texts from people saying that 🙂 This is a bit of geeky thing to say, but I like what you’ve done with the Splendio theme. My blog used to be in Splendio and I spent many happy hours basking in the splendour of Splendio. Anyway, that’s enough theme-talk. In conclusion, nice work on the blog! 🙂

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  7. How could I not love you? … you like to read the last page of a book at the beginning!! I finally found someone else who does that!
    Looking forward to following you – you are funny in all the ways I wish I could be!

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    • How completely wonderful of you to say! And I see you are a golfer. You have my complete admiration and respect. I have tried that a few times because I was deluded into thinking it looked so easy and wow, unbelievably difficult! Thank you so much for coming here and being so kind!
      Stephanie

      Like

  8. Trying to figure out how Groundhog Day is exciting.
    After the hunt for the little varmint, I mean.

    Can you have been voted “best blog bio” in high school if you’re older enough to know Zsa Zsa and Eva?

    Like

  9. Well hello, Stephanie!
    I’m excited to inform you that I’ve nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award! I truly admire your talent as a writer and want to share your inspirational work with the world!
    Should you choose to accept this award, please visit this link:
    http://artfullyaspiring.wordpress.com/2014/03/23/acceptance/
    -Copy the versatile blogger icon from this post so you can insert this into your own acceptance post.
    -Choose 7 random facts about yourself you wish to share and type these in for your readers.
    -Select your 10 favorite blogs you wish to nominate for the award, and add these as well to your post with a description of why you admire them.
    – Tell these bloggers you have nominated them for the award, and add a link.
    Please link back to my blog so I can read your wonderful acceptance speech ! 🙂

    Adelie

    Like

    • Adelie – – I don’t want you to think I’ve forgotten about this. It’s quite an honor and it was so sweet of you to do that. However, first I need to just review my notes which I made for my acceptance speech post – – now lemme see…. I’ve checked my prescription bottles, but nothing was written there. I thought something might surface on one of the tissue boxes in the house but at least I found a coupon for makeup remover. Next, I plan to check an old love note from an old boyfriend and hope something inspiring is penned there…. 😉
      Have a wonderful wknd you,
      Stephanie

      Like

      • Stephanie, I wasn’t sure if you were just busy or if you bit into a bad apple back at Disneyland and magically lost your memory! I’m sorry you haven’t had any luck finding those notes…You know, maybe give the lint trap in your dryer a look? Some interesting things can show up in there (that is, if they survive the wash). Don’t you worry- I’ve learned the best things come to those who wait, so I’m waiting patiently, my dear! Everything that comes out of your mind and into your blog is pure brilliance, so don’t rush it. Whenever it happens, I know it will be great! 😀
        I hope you had a great weekend as well!
        Adelie

        Like

  10. You gain my immediate attention and follow by mentionning ‘After Hours’, a movie that unfortunately doesn’t have many reruns, It should..and of course I did glance rapidly on your posts and presentation…I’m a follower now!

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      • I found your blog through Harch Reality blog, the post where he invited others bloggers to leave comments or links to theirs. Hope my blog will meet your expectations, difficult to attain the level of ‘Afters Hours’ though…:) but hope you will enjoy my paintings, pastels and else….:)

        Like

    • Why thank you so very much. Actually you happened to catch me in a serious moment with “Who Is She?” But I really enjoy writing the humor pieces the most. I think you just gotta find the fun in EVERYTHING. Really glad we are fellow Followers now and also can I call you Steph too? That will prevent me from spelling your name like mine! 😉

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  11. I wish there was an option to like certain parts individually. You must be a great Mum (can I adopt you?) paying your kids to kill bugs and throwing books at spiders. My favourite Twilight Zone episode at this moment is the one where this man ends up in a world full of books to read and lots of time to read them in, but he can’t read them after all, because he broke his glasses. Pure torment! And I loved the film! Twilight Zone is one of the few things Dad and I have in common.

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  13. Well, well, I didn’t realise I could laugh so much for so long. After about the first six fits of laughter I thought I must reply here and pick one or two funnies out to say how much I enjoyed them, well that went out the window along with the oxygen tank. I was happy to die laughing ( by the time I got to the end I thought I would). There isn’t one or two or three I liked, it was the whole blooming lot. Thank you so for sharing.

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    • Aren’t you the sweetest! Thank you so much for being able to string together these random ideas (but your name IS RandomRose after all!) and having the same offbeat sense of humor as me. So few individuals that I come across actually seem to “get me.” I so appreciate and love surrounding myself with those who do. It’s sure a happy day for me today crossing paths with you.
      Be well!
      Stephanie

      Like

  14. I always read the about pages, just to see how I should do mine!! Love your quirkiness. I came across your site while reading The Daily Post for WordPress.com and when I scrolled down I saw the Little Miss Menopause so, as a woman just on the border of her prime I thought I would take a look.Thanks for the laugh

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    • Hey Shelley! So nice of you to pop on over. You toast to hot flashes and I’ll honor Brain Fog, ok? But remind me, because I won’t remember whom I assigned to what in the morning. 😉
      Please visit me again, (more menopause humor in my earlier posts) Now on to your corner of the world!
      Stephanie

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    • Thank you. And yep, it surely is…unless I’m an unreliable narrator! But seriously, you’re the first one to notice that. Got that eye for detail that makes a great writer, I see. So how did you find me anyhow?
      Thanks for your compliments,
      Stephanie

      Like

  16. I hate Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve because the expectation is you’re supposed to have romance and excitement.

    You can’t have both romance and excitement. Pick one.

    I always pick excitement.

    This year was interesting.

    New Year’s? Normally, I’d take the kids out to First Night. But, local organizers got Ticketmaster involved and no way was I going to pay $16.50 a pop. So we just loafed around at home.

    St Val’s Day- well, some years Cimmy and I have picked romance. But, Little Miss 11 going on 17, 20 wanted to go to RadCon. We all wound up going, Boy too. WHOA yes, that was exciting! He was the only one that didn’t go in costume that I recall, but, he still got to learn a little bit about the stage at the Masquerade event!

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  17. Hello Stephanie, your writing makes me so happy! I could sit reading your posts all day ;-D Your words are a total joy and I look forward to seeing your updates in my Reader. Great to be in touch with you via the blogosphere and I look forward to many more life affirming visits to your blog in the future! Your outlook is full of glee and you rock! ;-D your blog pal Lita

    Like

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    • Thanks for saying that, Victoria. Yeah, rolling on the couch is even more ridiculous then swiping a page of a magazine on your wrists with one of those “peel back this flap to try ” samples of Channel #5.

      Hope you’ll visit again!
      Stephanie

      Like

    • Hello again – – I really should check into my About page more frequently. (I guess I remember exactly what I’m all about far too often.) Anyhow, just found this nice message of yours here, which I think was probably referring to my “Pay It Forward, Backfires” post. The mailman’s dialogue was the most fun for me to do, too. Thanks again!
      Stephanie
      ps. looking very much forward to your next post…

      Like

      • Whoops- I meant to write on the actual post- not sure how this happened– I seem to have a thing w/ your About page-per last time when I called you by your middle name instead of your first, Stephanie! And thanks, as always, for your generous words.

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    • That’s an adorable comment, you youngster you! Go ahead….I dare you to gargle “The Gabor Sisters.” lol. Seriously, thank you for dropping in and for the follow and looking forward to hopscotching over to your blog. Please know what hopscotch is….otherwise, i’m not just OVER THE HILL, I am OLDER than THE HILL.
      Take care,
      Stephanie

      Like

  21. You are where Post Menopause meets post-menopause. And no, as you will see if you peek, I am not a true writer as in the cockney one above (though located in the nearby territory) or even as in Grace who recommended you on Google+. However, I am now challenged to strive to include wit in my posts, especially if they can make recalcitrant writers like me respond to recommendations from Grace (grace, I love you, really)…

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  22. Even Erma Bombeck would burst out laughing at this one! Makes me wonder if we need to update our privacy legislation.. Also gives way to revised lyrics to the song, “I wonder,wonder,who……….”

    Like

    • Thank you Adrienne! Very Funny about that song reference(I think you meant to post that on my “Eavesdropping” piece?) I was humming “Every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you…” As I wrote it.

      Like

  23. Oy! Little Miss M… you are asking me to recall something that happened so very long ago… hours even! But if I recall correctly, it was thus: using Reader, I searched on the tag “zerotohero” to see what my classmates have been up to.

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  24. Hello MCW and thank you so much. Favor? Would you mind cluing me in on how you actually found me? Like specifically. So I can accidentally repeat it. I am super new here and keep thinking that I am writing in a vacuum (or maybe a toilet!) because my blog gets zero views (if I am interpreting my stats correctly.) It’s kind of like that “Does a tree falling down in an empty forest make any noise if there’s nobody there to hear it?” type of feeling. Well anyhow, “Timber!” and thank you again.
    ps. I am honored to also follow you as well since 1) I have the utmost respect for minerals 2) I can tell you ARE a writer, not just “considered” one. 3) And I am hoping to hear you do a Cockney accent one day….yes?

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  25. You are hysterically funny. I rarely laugh out loud. Speaking of which, you should excuse me, I have to clean the spittle from the computer monitor. But not before I check off the “follow” button!

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      • I nominated you for a Dragon’s Loyalty Award to recognize your faithfulness to my blog. Please visit my latest post to learn more about this award, and to leave a comment describing how you choose blogs to follow, and why you “Like” and leave comments on blogs.

        Thank you for sharing your thoughts, my dear Freshly-Pressed dragon-thought weaver.

        Like

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