MEET “LITTLE MISS MENOPAUSE” AKA STEPHANIE DEBRA LEWIS
I got married for the first time on my 25th birthday.
No one should get married on their birthday because your spouse will combine a birthday and anniversary gift.
My all time favorite movie is After Hours, directed by Martin Scorsese.
Absolutely nobody has heard of the movie, After Hours, let alone seen it…eight times!
My ex-husband’s favorite car was his Mercedes.
I met him when I backed my Toyota into it.
I hate Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve because the expectation is you’re supposed to have romance and excitement.
You can’t have both romance and excitement. Pick one.
I always pick excitement.
That’s why my favorite holiday is Groundhog Day.
We have family portraits that hang all the way up our stairwell and last night a framed picture of me came crashing down to the floor.
My son told me that’s because I’m an “off-the-wall” type of mother.
My hair always has that wild and messy, wind-blown look.
Except when I ride in a convertible, then it suddenly looks neatly coifed.
I must stop the microwave when the timer says exactly 1 second, or else “something really bad” will happen.
The “something bad” will be much worse than overcooked carrots.
I don’t recycle.
That’s because I don’t know where all my neighbors get those green recycling bins.
When I’m running late to a potluck party I embellish on frozen food and tell everyone it is homemade.
Then I give out elaborate recipes with phony ingredient measurements and the proportions are way off.
I keep a journal on my nightstand next to my bed to record my dreams in.
Sometimes I wake up at 3 am and scribble “Buy contact lens solution and dog food” in it.
We don’t own a dog.
My biggest pet peeve is people who are late.
And they always phone at the exact time they are supposed to meet you to say, “I’m going to be late.”
They are not going to be late. They already are late. And they knew they would be late in advance, so they could’ve called earlier. Therefore they are even late with their excuse for being late.
I have a temper and have been known to throw things. Think Scarlett O’Hara.
I threw my favorite perfume bottle and it shattered everywhere, staining our couch. Then the company discontinued that particular scent so when I go out fancy, I have to roll on the sofa to smell nice.
When I get pulled over for a traffic ticket, I pretend to speak like the Gabor sisters. You need to leave now if you’re too young to know who they are.
The hardest part about giving birth is getting an I.V.
I feel really guilty when I honk at inept, slow drivers and then when I speed up to pass them, I see they are old people.
I pay my sons to kill bugs and spiders for me.
Daddy Long Legs are worth $5.50 each. My youngest will do two for $10.
When my kids are not home, I throw books from a distance to smash them.
I have no idea what happened to the top layer of our wedding cake that we saved in our freezer.
I think he ate it. And I’m sure he thinks I’m the one who scarfed it down.
I read the last page of books first. My good friend Ria taught me to do that to make sure it all turns out alright.
Sometimes I phone married people and sit silently on the line to see if they’ll accuse one another of having an affair.
In high school I was voted most likely to have a really nutty bio on her blog.
When I’m sad, I dial up the prerecorded movie schedules and sob uncontrollably into the phone.
One time when I was particularly grief-stricken, I thought the recorded voice told me to try a cup of tea instead of a movie. But I might have been mistaken.
I saved all my fortune cookie slips until one read, “Your sentimentality will cause you grief.”
People think if you don’t have freckles, you’re not a true redhead.
Tee shirts at Target for little girls say, “Princess.” Tee shirts for little boys say, “Here Comes Trouble.”
You would never guess my middle name. And I won’t tell you.
It isn’t Delores.
When I walked around a Vegas hotel, two men asked me if I was a showgirl. Two women asked me if I was a prostitute.
I was on the Price is Right. I lost my showcase and I’m sure it’s because I wouldn’t let Bob Barker kiss me.
After magic shows, I’m often found backstage convincing, cajoling, coaxing and coercing the magician to tell me his secrets.
I clean my house before our maid comes over. And wash my hair before I go to the salon.
I cannot believe the way my mother dressed me as a child.
I’m planning her wardrobe for a time when she gets too elderly to shop.
My favorite Twilight Zone episode is the one where the little girl falls into her wall.
When I meet people, the first thing I notice is their teeth.
They notice me noticing and immediately stop smiling.
I think the little paper clip guy in my Word program is adorable!
My kids think my mood swings are the most exciting thing on a playground.”
I believe the entire population should be made to wear a mood ring. Yes. Even. You.
At $5.50 per daddy longlegs, I’d check to be sure your sons haven’t started arachnid farms under their beds. Beware the entrepreneurial spirit!
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How funny is that?! What a surprise to find you here! What prompted this?
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Hi Stephanie and glad to have met you through the Women of Midlife grp! Honestly, you had me at “I hate Valentine’s and New Year’s Day”! Hahahah! I hate those too, with a passion!! Never understood the excitement people have over them, when to me, NY day is just so anticlimactic and Vday is just plain boring. Oh well. Thanks for the laugh and I hope I remember not to smile too much should we ever meet in person! ;-))
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This is a really funny comment, Joy. All of it. I sincerely hope we CAN cross paths in person – – your smile lights up your gravatar.
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your blog posts have humour element. area of improvement- if it can be little short will make it have more impact.
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All I had to do was read your About page to know I’ll be right at home on your blog. Yay! Good times ahead!!
Cheers,
Kathryn
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Oh how comforting. There needs to be “more like us” doncha think? Thank you!
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Just popped back over to thank you for the re-follow! Appreciate it especially from a Master Blogger like yourself! 🙂
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Really…. I was just righting a wrong. No reason to thank me. But master blogger?? Can I have some of what you’re smoking? 😉
See (read) ya soon!
Stephanie
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love your humor and good energy! 🙂 ❤
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I must’ve missed this comment. Thank you very much!
Stephanie
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Congrats on the fp!
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You are a quirky McQuirkster alright. Love you, sister! 🙂
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Thanks! And just love the last name McQuirkster….will see about converting to Irish!
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Outrageous is probably the best word to describe the few posts I’ve read. Other words that come to mind–awesome, hilarious, stupid (the ones that make me groan), great zingers, terrific one-liners. It’s too early, or too late depending on your perspective, for my brain to be fully functional.
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Thank you so much for coming to this little corner and leaving your 2 cents. As I said before, I adore your blog name and am coming to check things out!
take care,
Stephanie
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I’m really glad I found you, lol. I don’t know who the Gabor sisters are, but I’m all for being a rebel, so I think I’ll stick around. With your permission of course. What? I’m a good girl… sometimes. 😀
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Anyone who was in middle school during 911 is not even going to know who the Gabor grandchildren are! Why you want to follow someone called Little Miss Menopause is beyond me but I think it’s just to see if I do another piece where your boyfriend’s profession DOES show up on some kind of taboo list. 😉
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Hehe… guilty 😛
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This is hilarious. Although, my first husband and I got married on his birthday (we were engaged on mine), and I never combined gifts – he always got two. And I usually made a bigger deal out of his birthday than our anniversary.
That said, several of his relatives told him to kiss his birthday goodbye.
So what did I do the second time I got married? I picked the day between the anniversary of my grandpa’s funeral and the anniversary of my mom’s death. Between birthdays and morbid anniversaries (and the happy ones, too – a cousin got married the following year a day before our first anniversary), September is a busy month for us.
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Wow, you’re not kidding about Sept! And yeah, women don’t combine gifts – – I think that’s a guy’s innovation! Thanks so much for coming to visit me here. It’s an honor.
Stephanie
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You’re welcome! I had a ball reading some of your posts. It’s a good thing I wasn’t reading them at work because I’m not sure I could have kept a straight face. 🙂
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Ah…I really shouldn’t have read this at work. Everyone is wondering what I’m in my cube snorking about. Priceless.
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How sweet! I once read someone else’s hysterical blog while I was walking my dog (walk dog/read blog!) and started cracking up so hard that both the dog and the neighbors were staring at me. I thank you for coming to visit me. The visual of a chortling cubicle made my day!
Stephanie
ps. Snoopy didn’t hurt either!
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Hello there, I just discovered your blog and I find it highly amusing. I particularly liked your talk about people being late and calling to tell you that they’re going to be late, even though they are already late. I usually get texts from people saying that 🙂 This is a bit of geeky thing to say, but I like what you’ve done with the Splendio theme. My blog used to be in Splendio and I spent many happy hours basking in the splendour of Splendio. Anyway, that’s enough theme-talk. In conclusion, nice work on the blog! 🙂
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Thank you Charlie – – I’ve been having a blast at your blog!! I bow to your creative forces!
Stephanie
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🙂
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How could I not love you? … you like to read the last page of a book at the beginning!! I finally found someone else who does that!
Looking forward to following you – you are funny in all the ways I wish I could be!
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How completely wonderful of you to say! And I see you are a golfer. You have my complete admiration and respect. I have tried that a few times because I was deluded into thinking it looked so easy and wow, unbelievably difficult! Thank you so much for coming here and being so kind!
Stephanie
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hahaha! Thanks for thinking I’m a real golfer … my game is actually abysmal. Maybe this year will be the breakthrough year 🙂
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Trying to figure out how Groundhog Day is exciting.
After the hunt for the little varmint, I mean.
Can you have been voted “best blog bio” in high school if you’re older enough to know Zsa Zsa and Eva?
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Oops, never caught this comment! Yes, you’re correct on all accounts! Thank you for coming here and reading taking the time to leave astute remarks.
Stephanie
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Well hello, Stephanie!
I’m excited to inform you that I’ve nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award! I truly admire your talent as a writer and want to share your inspirational work with the world!
Should you choose to accept this award, please visit this link:
-Copy the versatile blogger icon from this post so you can insert this into your own acceptance post.
-Choose 7 random facts about yourself you wish to share and type these in for your readers.
-Select your 10 favorite blogs you wish to nominate for the award, and add these as well to your post with a description of why you admire them.
– Tell these bloggers you have nominated them for the award, and add a link.
Please link back to my blog so I can read your wonderful acceptance speech ! 🙂
Adelie
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Adelie – – I don’t want you to think I’ve forgotten about this. It’s quite an honor and it was so sweet of you to do that. However, first I need to just review my notes which I made for my acceptance speech post – – now lemme see…. I’ve checked my prescription bottles, but nothing was written there. I thought something might surface on one of the tissue boxes in the house but at least I found a coupon for makeup remover. Next, I plan to check an old love note from an old boyfriend and hope something inspiring is penned there…. 😉
Have a wonderful wknd you,
Stephanie
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Stephanie, I wasn’t sure if you were just busy or if you bit into a bad apple back at Disneyland and magically lost your memory! I’m sorry you haven’t had any luck finding those notes…You know, maybe give the lint trap in your dryer a look? Some interesting things can show up in there (that is, if they survive the wash). Don’t you worry- I’ve learned the best things come to those who wait, so I’m waiting patiently, my dear! Everything that comes out of your mind and into your blog is pure brilliance, so don’t rush it. Whenever it happens, I know it will be great! 😀
I hope you had a great weekend as well!
Adelie
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You gain my immediate attention and follow by mentionning ‘After Hours’, a movie that unfortunately doesn’t have many reruns, It should..and of course I did glance rapidly on your posts and presentation…I’m a follower now!
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How very lovely! How did you find me, might I ask? I will now follow the breadcrumbs back to see your blog! Anyone who appreciates After Hours has to have a blog of discerning quality! Thank you again!
Stephanie
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I found your blog through Harch Reality blog, the post where he invited others bloggers to leave comments or links to theirs. Hope my blog will meet your expectations, difficult to attain the level of ‘Afters Hours’ though…:) but hope you will enjoy my paintings, pastels and else….:)
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I don’t even know where to begin, I could hardly breathe from laughing. Each time I thought it can’t possibly get any funnier and then voila, I was proven wrong. Thanks, this was big time fun!!! ~Steph
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Why thank you so very much. Actually you happened to catch me in a serious moment with “Who Is She?” But I really enjoy writing the humor pieces the most. I think you just gotta find the fun in EVERYTHING. Really glad we are fellow Followers now and also can I call you Steph too? That will prevent me from spelling your name like mine! 😉
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I wish there was an option to like certain parts individually. You must be a great Mum (can I adopt you?) paying your kids to kill bugs and throwing books at spiders. My favourite Twilight Zone episode at this moment is the one where this man ends up in a world full of books to read and lots of time to read them in, but he can’t read them after all, because he broke his glasses. Pure torment! And I loved the film! Twilight Zone is one of the few things Dad and I have in common.
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Believe me, I relate. 😀
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Well, well, I didn’t realise I could laugh so much for so long. After about the first six fits of laughter I thought I must reply here and pick one or two funnies out to say how much I enjoyed them, well that went out the window along with the oxygen tank. I was happy to die laughing ( by the time I got to the end I thought I would). There isn’t one or two or three I liked, it was the whole blooming lot. Thank you so for sharing.
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Aren’t you the sweetest! Thank you so much for being able to string together these random ideas (but your name IS RandomRose after all!) and having the same offbeat sense of humor as me. So few individuals that I come across actually seem to “get me.” I so appreciate and love surrounding myself with those who do. It’s sure a happy day for me today crossing paths with you.
Be well!
Stephanie
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I always read the about pages, just to see how I should do mine!! Love your quirkiness. I came across your site while reading The Daily Post for WordPress.com and when I scrolled down I saw the Little Miss Menopause so, as a woman just on the border of her prime I thought I would take a look.Thanks for the laugh
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What a nice comment!! I really appreciate you being here! And it’s nice to know that people DO read these pages. My, my, my WordPress readers are the best!!
Stephanie
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Found you on Ms. Loren’s blog. Here’s to hot flashes!!!!!!!
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Hey Shelley! So nice of you to pop on over. You toast to hot flashes and I’ll honor Brain Fog, ok? But remind me, because I won’t remember whom I assigned to what in the morning. 😉
Please visit me again, (more menopause humor in my earlier posts) Now on to your corner of the world!
Stephanie
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I love your way of writing! You have a great way with words. 🙂
P.s. One little question – Isn’t your middle name Debra?! 😛
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Thank you. And yep, it surely is…unless I’m an unreliable narrator! But seriously, you’re the first one to notice that. Got that eye for detail that makes a great writer, I see. So how did you find me anyhow?
Thanks for your compliments,
Stephanie
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I hate Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve because the expectation is you’re supposed to have romance and excitement.
You can’t have both romance and excitement. Pick one.
I always pick excitement.
This year was interesting.
New Year’s? Normally, I’d take the kids out to First Night. But, local organizers got Ticketmaster involved and no way was I going to pay $16.50 a pop. So we just loafed around at home.
St Val’s Day- well, some years Cimmy and I have picked romance. But, Little Miss 11 going on 17, 20 wanted to go to RadCon. We all wound up going, Boy too. WHOA yes, that was exciting! He was the only one that didn’t go in costume that I recall, but, he still got to learn a little bit about the stage at the Masquerade event!
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Just finding this comment now. Thank you for Valentine’s Day anecdote. I have a “Little Miss 11 going on 17” too! I really appreciate you as a reader and a blogger!!
Stephanie
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Thank you so much! Yeah, there’s never a dull moment around our home.
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Hello Stephanie, your writing makes me so happy! I could sit reading your posts all day ;-D Your words are a total joy and I look forward to seeing your updates in my Reader. Great to be in touch with you via the blogosphere and I look forward to many more life affirming visits to your blog in the future! Your outlook is full of glee and you rock! ;-D your blog pal Lita
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Oh Lita! Just saw this now — terribly sweet. I am so glad I finally found your blog! Those red shoes cheer me to my core. Thank you again.
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;-D happy days!!!
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Oh – I’m gonna love it here.
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I’m gonna love having you here – – fellow Nightwriter!
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haha enjoyed your about me…looking forward to more fun posts from you 🙂
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Thank you ever so kindly. Just seeing this now!
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very funny! You made me chuckle! I especially like the rolling on the couch for your fragrance!
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Thanks for saying that, Victoria. Yeah, rolling on the couch is even more ridiculous then swiping a page of a magazine on your wrists with one of those “peel back this flap to try ” samples of Channel #5.
Hope you’ll visit again!
Stephanie
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This is a definite LOL post…. you are so right- there can be such rich comedy in these mindful acts. Your mailman’s reax was my favorite!
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Hello again – – I really should check into my About page more frequently. (I guess I remember exactly what I’m all about far too often.) Anyhow, just found this nice message of yours here, which I think was probably referring to my “Pay It Forward, Backfires” post. The mailman’s dialogue was the most fun for me to do, too. Thanks again!
Stephanie
ps. looking very much forward to your next post…
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Whoops- I meant to write on the actual post- not sure how this happened– I seem to have a thing w/ your About page-per last time when I called you by your middle name instead of your first, Stephanie! And thanks, as always, for your generous words.
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Love your blog!
Thanks for stopping by mine.
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Hi – – just finding this message now. Very sweet of you. Here’s to a good year of creativity to us both!
Stephanie
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Now you have me singing the theme song from Green Acres… how will I ever sleep now?
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This is very funny. And I just happened upon it now, too. Quick – – what was the pig’s name? No googling!
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Ah nold
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Ha! Love this & I have no idea who the Gabor sisters are…but I’m staying anyway 😛
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That’s an adorable comment, you youngster you! Go ahead….I dare you to gargle “The Gabor Sisters.” lol. Seriously, thank you for dropping in and for the follow and looking forward to hopscotching over to your blog. Please know what hopscotch is….otherwise, i’m not just OVER THE HILL, I am OLDER than THE HILL.
Take care,
Stephanie
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You are where Post Menopause meets post-menopause. And no, as you will see if you peek, I am not a true writer as in the cockney one above (though located in the nearby territory) or even as in Grace who recommended you on Google+. However, I am now challenged to strive to include wit in my posts, especially if they can make recalcitrant writers like me respond to recommendations from Grace (grace, I love you, really)…
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You are …singular! Love it! Consider writing with us! You have my deets. And I ALWAYS read about pages.
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Actually I don’t think I have a way to contact you? Why don’t you leave me more explicit deets. lol.
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This was HILARIOUS! I loved the rolling around on your couch so you can smell nice, and the dream journal.
You have a new follower!
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Never caught this comment. Thank you a month later!
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I’m clearly not in your demographic, but enjoyed this page! Write on! Write on!
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You are as random as I am. I mean that as a compliment.
Looking forward to reading what rambles around in your head. 🙂
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Even Erma Bombeck would burst out laughing at this one! Makes me wonder if we need to update our privacy legislation.. Also gives way to revised lyrics to the song, “I wonder,wonder,who……….”
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Thank you Adrienne! Very Funny about that song reference(I think you meant to post that on my “Eavesdropping” piece?) I was humming “Every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you…” As I wrote it.
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… on second thought (and you know how treacherous thinking can be when you are, ahem, of middling to advanced years) I think I was searching on menopause.
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Ha! Very funny, Maggie (just not to us, right??) I appreciate the specific answer and the admission, and especially the “ahem!” I actually wrote a whole post with a self-test about losing “it.” Our memories, that is.
https://thequotegal.wordpress.com/2014/01/07/is-your-memory-lane-paved-with-potholes/
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Oy! Little Miss M… you are asking me to recall something that happened so very long ago… hours even! But if I recall correctly, it was thus: using Reader, I searched on the tag “zerotohero” to see what my classmates have been up to.
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Hello MCW and thank you so much. Favor? Would you mind cluing me in on how you actually found me? Like specifically. So I can accidentally repeat it. I am super new here and keep thinking that I am writing in a vacuum (or maybe a toilet!) because my blog gets zero views (if I am interpreting my stats correctly.) It’s kind of like that “Does a tree falling down in an empty forest make any noise if there’s nobody there to hear it?” type of feeling. Well anyhow, “Timber!” and thank you again.
ps. I am honored to also follow you as well since 1) I have the utmost respect for minerals 2) I can tell you ARE a writer, not just “considered” one. 3) And I am hoping to hear you do a Cockney accent one day….yes?
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You are hysterically funny. I rarely laugh out loud. Speaking of which, you should excuse me, I have to clean the spittle from the computer monitor. But not before I check off the “follow” button!
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Outrageous! Thanks for being here 🙂
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Aw, and here I was certain that nobody ever reads these About pages. Thanks Grace! I’m very new here so votes of confidence are most appreciated.
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I nominated you for a Dragon’s Loyalty Award to recognize your faithfulness to my blog. Please visit my latest post to learn more about this award, and to leave a comment describing how you choose blogs to follow, and why you “Like” and leave comments on blogs.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, my dear Freshly-Pressed dragon-thought weaver.
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