INBOX

Nov. 1, 2014

Hi Sweetheart- – I’m bringing the boss home for dinner tonight. There WILL be dinner tonight, right? And there’s still a home? Would you heat the food in the regular oven this time? Not like last week, when you broiled lamb chops under your neck during a hot flash? Oh and let’s pass on that dessert you invented where you take two scoops of Cookies n’ Cramps ice-cream, drizzle lemon juice, light the whole thing on fire and call it “Frigid, Sourpuss Wife Flambé.” Also please don’t wear your tee shirt that says, “Sex after menopause shouldn’t have to hurt!”
Love You!
Ps. Just for tonight, could you also skip that endearing thing you do where you grab me by the shirt collar shouting, “This is all your fault. If 50 year old males weren’t always lusting after younger women, older women’s’ genes would never have mutated to trigger menopause! Read the 2013 Scientific Canadian Research Study as proof!”

Oct. 31, 2014

Dear Ms. Lewis

It’s that time of year again! Please call our office to schedule an appointment for your annual Pap-Smear, Ovary Tug, Cervix Swipe, Muffin-Top Measurement, Thigh-Pinch, Hormone Harness, and of course that thing we do where we smash your breasts together between two glass plates, leaving you with a craving for blueberry hotcakes at IHOP.

Sincerely Dr. KillJoy and Staff

SPAM

Oct. 17, 2014

Hello! I am a distant cousin of yours, twice removed, and have discovered myself in an unusual plight in a foreign country, little known name, called Venicesudanstralia with no money, no visible means of transportation, no cellular phone, as well multiple sufferings with formal night sweats, severe fatigue, difficulty concentrating, bloating, anger episodes, brittle fingernails, and memory lapses where I cannot even recall your name. Dearest Cousin, if you would have the compassion and empathy for such symptoms, please be so kind as to henceforth wire the sum of $10,045.67 directly into my bank account. I know it would make Great Ant Gertrude so vastly pleased.
Sincerely Yours,
Annakarinabethlynn Farawaymenopaula

Sept. 8, 2014

Dear Stephanie,
I hope you’re not still having my emails directed to your Spam folder? We need to finalize our divorce and citing “mental cruelty” because you can’t stand the way I eat corn on the cob isn’t going to fly. The judge says, “Abandonment” won’t work either because all husbands typically step outside when they empty the garbage.“

Also, please stop writing “impotency and premature ejaculation compensation” on the memo line of my spousal support checks prior to cashing them!
Signed,
The Jerk You Used to Share a Bed With (while throwing the sheets on and off according to your basal body temperature!)

DRAFTS

Nov 2, 2014

Dear Snopes,
Is there any truth to the urban legend that there is some crazy menopausal woman running loose on the Internet writing fake emails so she can heighten the entertainment factor on her blog blog?

SENT

Nov 3, 2014

Dear Menopausal Support Group,
I am so glad to be able to RSVP “yes!” for your next Girls Night Out. I’m sending my husband, his boss, Dr. KillJoy and my ex-spouse to the International House of Pancakes to meet my long lost 2nd cousin.  I’ll have the entire night free to frolic with other women who believe that 50 is the new Sweet 16!
Cheers!
Stephanie Lewis
PS – – I’ve got us covered in the wine/whine department.