“Wow! You Should Be a Guided Meditation Leader!”

images (11)Has someone recently said this to you? It probably means you have that “peacefully enlightened” vibe, a relaxing demeanor, and definitely a comforting, soothing voice. But if you’re really toying with entering the meditation field, you will need to use phrases (ad nauseam!) that could literally make your friends lose their ever-loving mind(fulness).

Nevertheless, if you’re still curious about becoming one, here is a resume of the 9 most important qualities needed to be a Guided Meditation Leader:

  1. The ability to direct people to let themselves “Arrive,” ignoring the fact that they are actually already there, sitting in real upholstered chairs, listening to your droning voice (which should be dripping with butter or honey or something else decadent that none of these people will ever let their bodies ingest) Yes, this ceremonial act of “Arrival” is extremely important, so execute it with pronounced enunciation.
  2. Able to conduct Individual Intention Settings. It’s crucial that anyone who is about to listen to your guided meditation tapes or Youtube videos first set their intention. Warning: A few smart alecs will state, “My intention is not to set any intentions.” Ignore them and do an Intention Intervention instead.
  3. Must possess creativity to command your listeners to breathe-in a large variety of different things. (Although seriously, when did breathing plain old oxygen become such a scarce commodity?) Make certain they’re breathing in something they might potentially want to embody (being mindful not to choke them by telling them to inhale a new Mercedes!) and then direct them to breathe out something else entirely different — preferably something you think they might want to rid their life of. (Hint: If they are listening to you with their children nearby, avoid telling telling them to exhale their ex-spouse!) And then tell them to do it all over again. Sixty. Three. Hundred. Dang. Times.
  4. Be adept at issuing reminders.You’ll want to regularly remind them to notice lots of body parts. “Notice your arms, notice your hands, notice your fingers, notice your ear-lobes (always a fun one!) notice ankles, knees, calves, thighs, etc.”  If they start to notice another participant’s feet, they might have a fetish and become aroused and you should gently guide them back to a state of complete relaxation.
  5. Should have strong observation skills in the area of respiration (you may think the act of observing is similar to the act of noticing, but shame on you — it’s incredibly different!) Say things like, “Observe how your breath flows in and out. Make no effort to change your breathing in any way, simply Observe how your body breathes. Your own body can Observe how much air it needs. Observe in your mind’s eye, your breath flowing gently in and out of your body, etc. Etcetera! As long as you string together certain key words into a fun tongue-twister, nobody will be the wiser that you’re a Guru who just made a boo-boo.
  6. Able to Help Someone Conjure Up a Serene Meadow. This is self-explanatory, but having a vast knowledge of classic Crayola crayons is useful here. Water should be imagined as Turquoise Blue, Aquamarine, Periwinkle, but most likely it’s always Cerulean, while the grass is either Pine Green, Forest Green or Fern. Remind them there’s no need to color inside the lines in their mind’s eye meadow. Ahhh, freedom!
  7. Must Be a Thought Killer. Approach this one gingerly. You can’t let them know you’re straight out of George Orwell’s novel, 1984 with “The Thought Police” so say things thusly — “When your attention wanders, as it will, just focus gently back again on your breathing. Notice any stray thoughts, but don’t dwell on them. Simply let all your thoughts peacefully pass away.” Shouting out “Die, thoughts, die!” might rile up all the gun-control issue folks.
  8. Continuously use the word “Mindful” even when you’re not leading a class. Here are creative ways to incorporate this great new buzzword. “If you don’t stop kicking the back of my seat, I’m going to lose my mindful!” And, “Do you mindful?? I’m trying to get some sleep here and I can’t with your damn snoring!” As well as, “Mindful your own damn business!” And don’t forget to say this to your teen daughter, “I have a good mindful to let you freeze to death in those skimpy shorts.” You can also take liberties with the trendy word “authentic.”  i.e.  “Seriously the price is $85?  Is this just a plain old suede purse or is it genuine, authentic leatherette?”
  9. Ability to Self-Soothe. When you suddenly find yourself out of a guided meditation job because everyone and their bloody Uncle wants to live in the present moment and do this woo-woo work.  But no worries!  With all the skills you’ve just cultivated, you can still use that terrific voice of yours – – as a Phone Sex Operator. Just know in advance that all the cleansing breaths you’ll help elicit from your customers will be the “Heavy Breathing” kind.

Thanks for reading and Namaste! (How the heck do you pronounce that??)

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For Whom The (Bar)Bell Tolls!

Why do I have to be Apple Shaped?

Why do I have to be Apple Shaped?

Summer is almost here.  If you’re a female, do you have Gaps and Bridges?  No, don’t head to a dentist – –  I mean “Thigh Gaps” and “Bikini Bridges.”   You will see them pictured below.  After you achieve these spaces between body parts, you might want to work on your Chin Chasm, Leg Lag, Neck Scape, and then your crowning glory, which would of course be some Shoulder Scaffolding.

If any teen girl is reading this – – deciding they have their work cut out for them at the gym, carving or rearranging their body parts (before bathing suit shopping)  I need to make sure you first rearrange your tongue firmly inside your cheek!  Because tongue-in-cheek is how I write this blog.  Miss Menopause endeavors to find the fun and frivolity, even in Society’s Serious Stupidity.  But not if it kills her.  Therefore she won’t starve or break her back lifting heavy weights.  So you too, Dear Reader – – Reject all suggestions that how you currently are isn’t good enough.

"Thigh Gap"  Gasp at this Gap.  REJECT THIS!

“Thigh Gap” Gasp at this Gap. REJECT THIS!

Enough has been written about Diets, so for the sake of word count, I will skip over Calorie Humor and only mention that this next Halloween, I already have my costume in mind.  I am dressing up as part Baked Potato and part White Rice.  Can’t wait to hide around corners,  jumping out to say “Boo” to all those who are terrified of Carbs.

Psycho Music Screeching!  Imagine how much more scared she would be if this were a slice of bread!?

Psycho Music Screeching! Imagine how much more scared she would be if this were a slice of bread!?

Now let’s head to the gym, shall we?  But first it should be noted that I haven’t stepped into a fitness center since the early 80’s when I thought the Aerobic fad meant we all had to learn the foreign tongue spoken in Saudi Arabia.  I was also quite turned off that women stopped shaving their legs until I looked closely and realized that all that “fur” was just the leg-warmer trend.

Now that Aerobic is called Cardio and calves are bare again, I think it’s safe to step foot back inside.

I tell myself I am going to the gym for my interior, not my exterior.  Because our bodies are simply just shells (think eggshell) that contain the important stuff – – our essence (the yolk or our souls) of the people we really are.

It doesn’t matter what our shells look like as long as we are good people inside and have healthy organs. I almost have myself believing this until I see a size 2 blonde BombSHELL parade down the beach as Men rush over to throw down their towels so she doesn’t burn her dainty manicured feet.  While I hop along the scalding sand, I make a mental note to violently crack open and vigorously beat as many eggs as I can find for a cheese and avocado omelette when I get home.

But back to my health and my first trip to the gym.  I am told I have Adrenal Fatigue (that’s the new catch phrase, right?)  and advised that exercise will alleviate this exhausting condition.  I’m not sure how that will help if my adrenals are too tired to do anything once I arrive.  But I plan to start them off slowly.  First I’ll coax one of my adrenal glands onto the Exercycle, while the other one will be encouraged to gently swims laps in the pool.  And I’ll take a nap.

Speaking of swimming,  I plan on snorkeling around my living room couch a little bit each day to benefit my Indoor Fins.  Oh! That’s Endorphins.  Never mind.

But here I am – – finally inside this gym!  I do a ton of huffing, puffing, heaving, tugging and pushing, but it’s totally worth it  – – I get my work-out shorts on just fine.

At a door with loud music blasting from within,  I am greeted by Gwyneth Paltrow’s twin sister chirping, “Hya, I’m Kimba! Welcomma to our Gymba. Wanna try Zumba?”

Can I just say this – – “Rule of thumba: When you go outa on a limba, and shake your bumma to La Bamba, you’re gonna feel super dumba!”  Interestingly,  when the instructor has us check our pulse, I think I hear Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” coming from my wrist and take that as my cue to practice the Moonwalk.

Maybe it's really the beat of the Mexican Hat dance?  After all, it IS Latin?

Maybe it’s really the beat of the Mexican Hat dance? After all, it IS Latin?

After getting laughed out of the crazy Latin-inspired dance class, I wander thru some more doors down a long hallway and into a little room where women sweat and perspire.   A lady with annother unusual accent (is this Italian?) remarks, “I just love having sonnas.”   She gives me a dirty look when I ask her if she also likes her daughteras?  Then a trim, white-towel swathed brunette says it’s been ages since she had a sauna.  Still trying to fit in with the hip lingo spoken in this little wooden room (and finding the high temperature intolerable!) I mutter, “Sauna of a Gunna – – it’s hot in here!  You would think they could afford air-conditioning with our high membership dues!”  As I’m escorted out, I overhear the brunette ask a redhead if this is still an exclusive health spa?

Some people can be so touchy.  I was only trying to fit in.

Some people can be so touchy. I was only trying to fit in.

But now I know exactly what I need – – gosh, I haven’t had one in years!  As the masseuse rolls and kneads my backside with her strong hands, I am reminded that I really should bake homemade bread more often.

Next I go through some double doors and meet a handsome young fitness instructor named (according to large print across his white shirt) Nike, who offers to show me where I can pump. Having weaned my son from breastfeeding many years ago, I shyly decline. He gestures at the dumb-bells and grunts, “No! I mean Iron!” I casually thank him and explain that I use the dry cleaners down the street. He and his friend Reebok, continue staring oddly as I glance behind them, swooning over the only comfy, padded, flat surface in the entire room – – a Slantboard!

Yawning, I pull on my jammies, blow everyone a goodnight kiss, and curl up for my well-deserved nap!  The true cure for Adrenal Fatigue!