Tag Archives: Internet

Conversations Between Internet Trolls

We're starving!
We’re starving!

It doesn’t happen much with the nice bloggers on WordPress, but lately I’ve experienced trolls stirring up trouble on The Huffington Post. So I did what any neurotic writer would do — I pretended to be a Troll myself and start a Support Group with a sign, “Trolls ‘R Us!”

Even though “Do Not Feed The Trolls” is the common mantra, I put egg-rolls in bowls for trolls. I’m waiting for the first Troll to stroll in right now.

Me: Hi and welcome to our group!

Troll 1: Thanks! I can’t wait to strike again! I’m on a roll but can’t seem to stay out of the gutter.

Troll 2: (rubs hands together) That’s the kinda language I love to hear from us Trollers.

Troll 1: Trollers? I misheard. I thought this was a group for Bowlers.

Troll 3: Get outa here. Here’s my problem. I have a hard time being subtle with my inflaming and instigating comments.  I was the middle child in my family where I had to blatantly act out to get any attention. Any advice? I’m constantly getting blocked from leaving comments.

Troll 5: I just hit ’em hard with random rants on childhood vaccination topics. You won’t be exposed there. You’ll just look like a die-hard believer. Try asking if they give their dog a rabies vaccination? Stirs things up real good!

Troll 2: Excellent tip. Wanna ride home with me? In the Troll Trolley. And then we can bake Nestle Troll House cookies!

Troll 6: Excuse me, do you have a fireplace?

Me: Yes. Are you cold?

Troll 4: Cold?? Are you for real? Any legit Troll would know that was code for wanting to “fan the flames!”

Me: Of course I’m for real! Since I was little and read the fairytale, “3 Billygoats Gruff,” I’ve had an urge I couldn’t control — to enroll to be a troll —  Having the whole soul of a troll became my goal.

Troll 2:  Alright then. Let’s get on with it. Be warned: You’re here with some heavy hitters. I’m on Parole for being a Troll.

Me: So let’s talk about our motivation for trolling, shall we? I imagine we all love a good controversy, right? But why don’t we all just go into politics?

Troll 6: Personally my wife left me and I miss her cooking. I spend my time trolling food blogs and arguing about recipes, waiting for a female blogger to invite me to a home-cooked meal. I’ll type, “Adding soy sauce to salmon really sucks. It’s too much sodium!” It drives the gourmet women wild.

Troll 3: Oh yes, I’ve read you before. You’re the Troll on “Who Stole My Sushi Roll.” You do nice work.

Troll 6: Thanks. And I’ve seen you as well. You’re The Poll Troll. You hang around on surveys and make fun of the results. You really got ‘em good last week about banning phone calls on American flights.

Me: It’s so nice to be noticed by someone, isn’t it? So is that why we do troll? The Recognition?

Troll 4: I don’t know about the rest of you, but there was zero job satisfaction when I heckled comics in clubs. So I quit. Collected unemployment for a while until I reinvented myself on the Internet.

Troll 7: Maybe you just never hit the big time. I got thrown out of a Seinfeld routine for shouting, “What the hell is this dumb bit about? Absolutely nothing!”

Troll 4: I prefer writing down my insults. They leave their mark longer.

Me: So you believe the pen is mightier than the sword?

Troll 2: Don’t give us your holier than thou literary crap. What kinda Troll are you?

Me: Um, I’m kinda like Shrek.

Troll 2:  He was an Ogre. He wasn’t a troll. And neither are you!

Troll 3:  Yeah, she’s too nosy, asking so many questions. We’ve been had. I think she’s actually a Knoll.

Troll 4: Knoll = A Kindly Narc for Trolls?  Nah, I think she’s a therapist!

Me:  Look guys. I just feel that a life of bullying isn’t for us. Didn’t we have enough fun stealing lunches on the playground? Being a troll takes its toll when it leaves a hole.

Troll 5:  She’s constantly rhyming, ya know?  And those cutsie puns. This dame is really some kinda corny lifestyle blogger.

Troll 6:  Oh yeah. I know her! I’d recognize those hot flashes anywhere.

Troll 2:  Hey, it’s Little Miss Menopause. The jig is up! Look at her super dry, wrinkly skin.

All Trolls:  Oh boy – – you ain’t seen nothing yet. You think we’re just gonna leave embarrassing stuff on your blog about moisturizers? Wait till you hear what we’re gonna comment on when you blog about “Sex At Age 40.”

(Ahhh, I love these guys.  They’re welcome anytime. They think I’m 40!?)

Me: Let’s sing…..”For they’re some Jolly Good Trollers….which nobody can deny!”

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An Open (Mopin’, Copin’, Gropin’ & Hopin’) Letter to the Internet:

To My Dearest Internet . . .

To My Dearest Internet . . .

Dear Internet,

Some days you’re a treasure I’d never replace – –  just wanna send you a Cyber Hug.

Other days, you’re nothing but a huge disgrace  – – just wanna pull your darn plug.

Without you, I wouldn’t have found a website to meet the Man of My Dreams,

Or discovered that Organic Farm Raised salmon isn’t always what it seems.

Farm raised or Wild? The Internet has the scoop on which is worse for you! Oh and google, "blackened lemons" you'll be outraged at what that does to your health!

Farm-Raised or Wild? The Internet has the scoop on which is worse for you! Oh and google, “blackened lemons” you’ll be outraged at what that does to your health!

Thank goodness you give me the opportunity to cleverly Google. . .

“How to find free coupons” so I can actually claim to be frugal.

You’re adorable – –  everyday I can see another cute, little kitten,

Or check out WordPress for new great posts *that’ve recently been written.

But when I look up  *“that’ve”  on the online Webster Dictionary,

to make sure it’s a true contraction, I find out it’s purely *Fictionary!

Oh wait, there’s more! I search and find  *“Fictionary”  is also not a real word?

You’re wasting my time with all this obsessive checking, it’s totally absurd!

But thanks for letting me bank, shop, and rent movies with a click – – so convenient.

Until lotsa time gets wasted when your Password Prompts aren’t very lenient.

The name of my first pet? First boyfriend? First Pimp? Which town did I go to school in?

No, you didn’t really ask me the Pimp question, I confess I was sorta just foolin’!

And you SHOULD Remember them. But how?? Who was my first boyfriend anyway? The boy I passed notes to? The boy I hit? The boy I kissed? The boy I . . . ?

And you SHOULD Remember them. But how?? Who was my first boyfriend anyway? The boy I passed notes to? The boy I hit? The boy I kissed? The boy I . . . ?

But then you eagerly insist I type some odd code to prove I’m a real person,

A string of nonsense so hard to decipher, my disdain for you starts to worsen.

Why do you need my information to be so secure, so precise and so exact?

I found out the other day, it’s because people like me tend to get hacked!

Go ahead – – mess up my accounts, my Facebook, blogs, & email – – there’s nothing left,

Before the invention of you, Dear Internet, there wasn’t this much Identity Theft!

Well if they become me, they’ll get my poor memory, my big hair, plus six kids galore,

Come to think of it, even I don’t really desire to be Me anymore!!

But one things for sure, you need to stop making everything be about sex,

In that way, Dear Internet –  –  you actually remind me an awful lot of my Ex.

We can filter our drinking water, our swimming pools, our coffee, and an aquarium. But can we filter out S-E-X ??

We can filter our drinking water, our swimming pools, our coffee, and an aquarium. But can we filter out S-E-X  from the Internet??

My Ex loved computers and when we divorced, shortly after his move-out evacuation. . .

I inherited his Apple before I knew how to use it – – I call it “Premature iMaculation.”

“Hey! This is Little Miss Menopause’s Ex-husband chiming in, none of this is true,

It seems she writes whatever she wants about me, and her Followers have no clue!”

See Dear Internet?  Even a simple poem that I compose for you is subject to a hijacking.

If I were smarter, I would write on a typewriter – – and just like my Ex, send you packing!

Well it looks as though (at least for the foreseeable future) you’re staying a big part of my life,

But no more Info about Cleaning, Recipes for Dinner, and Sex – – I am sooo NOT your Wife!!

 

Disclaimer:  “Man of Dreams” and “Ex Husband” mentioned without their permission.  They comment here regularly.  Please visit their WordPress blogs as way of compensation for “good-natured” participation.