It doesn’t happen much with the nice bloggers on WordPress, but lately I’ve experienced trolls stirring up trouble on The Huffington Post. So I did what any neurotic writer would do — I pretended to be a Troll myself and start a Support Group with a sign, “Trolls ‘R Us!”
Even though “Do Not Feed The Trolls” is the common mantra, I put egg-rolls in bowls for trolls. I’m waiting for the first Troll to stroll in right now.
Me: Hi and welcome to our group!
Troll 1: Thanks! I can’t wait to strike again! I’m on a roll but can’t seem to stay out of the gutter.
Troll 2: (rubs hands together) That’s the kinda language I love to hear from us Trollers.
Troll 1: Trollers? I misheard. I thought this was a group for Bowlers.
Troll 3: Get outa here. Here’s my problem. I have a hard time being subtle with my inflaming and instigating comments. I was the middle child in my family where I had to blatantly act out to get any attention. Any advice? I’m constantly getting blocked from leaving comments.
Troll 5: I just hit ’em hard with random rants on childhood vaccination topics. You won’t be exposed there. You’ll just look like a die-hard believer. Try asking if they give their dog a rabies vaccination? Stirs things up real good!
Troll 6: Excuse me, do you have a fireplace?
Me: Yes. Are you cold?
Troll 4: Cold?? Are you for real? Any legit Troll would know that was code for wanting to “fan the flames!”
Me: Of course I’m for real! Since I was little and read the fairytale, “3 Billygoats Gruff,” I’ve had an urge I couldn’t control — to enroll to be a troll — Having the whole soul of a troll became my goal.
Troll 2: Alright then. Let’s get on with it. Be warned: You’re here with some heavy hitters. I’m on Parole for being a Troll.
Me: So let’s talk about our motivation for trolling, shall we? I imagine we all love a good controversy, right? But why don’t we all just go into politics?
Troll 6: Personally my wife left me and I miss her cooking. I spend my time trolling food blogs and arguing about recipes, waiting for a female blogger to invite me to a home-cooked meal. I’ll type, “Adding soy sauce to salmon really sucks. It’s too much sodium!” It drives the gourmet women wild.
Troll 3: Oh yes, I’ve read you before. You’re the Troll on “Who Stole My Sushi Roll.” You do nice work.
Troll 6: Thanks. And I’ve seen you as well. You’re The Poll Troll. You hang around on surveys and make fun of the results. You really got ‘em good last week about banning phone calls on American flights.
Me: It’s so nice to be noticed by someone, isn’t it? So is that why we do troll? The Recognition?
Troll 4: I don’t know about the rest of you, but there was zero job satisfaction when I heckled comics in clubs. So I quit. Collected unemployment for a while until I reinvented myself on the Internet.
Troll 7: Maybe you just never hit the big time. I got thrown out of a Seinfeld routine for shouting, “What the hell is this dumb bit about? Absolutely nothing!”
Troll 4: I prefer writing down my insults. They leave their mark longer.
Me: So you believe the pen is mightier than the sword?
Troll 2: Don’t give us your holier than thou literary crap. What kinda Troll are you?
Me: Um, I’m kinda like Shrek.
Troll 2: He was an Ogre. He wasn’t a troll. And neither are you!
Troll 3: Yeah, she’s too nosy, asking so many questions. We’ve been had. I think she’s actually a Knoll.
Troll 4: Knoll = A Kindly Narc for Trolls? Nah, I think she’s a therapist!
Me: Look guys. I just feel that a life of bullying isn’t for us. Didn’t we have enough fun stealing lunches on the playground? Being a troll takes its toll when it leaves a hole.
Troll 5: She’s constantly rhyming, ya know? And those cutsie puns. This dame is really some kinda corny lifestyle blogger.
Troll 6: Oh yeah. I know her! I’d recognize those hot flashes anywhere.
Troll 2: Hey, it’s Little Miss Menopause. The jig is up! Look at her super dry, wrinkly skin.
All Trolls: Oh boy – – you ain’t seen nothing yet. You think we’re just gonna leave embarrassing stuff on your blog about moisturizers? Wait till you hear what we’re gonna comment on when you blog about “Sex At Age 40.”
(Ahhh, I love these guys. They’re welcome anytime. They think I’m 40!?)
Me: Let’s sing…..”For they’re some Jolly Good Trollers….which nobody can deny!”
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