Wait till you see what’s been stolen from me to make scores of Disney hit movies! Have you heard about author Isabella Tanikumi, who is taking Disney Studios to court for allegedly ripping off her books, which were based on her real life story, to make the movie Frozen? If she doesn’t ‘let it go,’ she stands to make a lot of money. But I’m sure the judge will agree that I am the larger injured party here. After my lawsuit(s) it’s only a matter of time before I’m singing “When You Wish Upon a Star,” bathing in my own millions!
SLEEPING BEAUTY: It’s shocking how much Disney plagiarized my childhood events for this animated feature — Where do I even start? At the beginning, of course. First of all, just like Maleficent, I was shunned from my own Baby Christening. (Religious differences were cited.) Along those same lines, identical to Aurora, I was also born Royalty (according to my father) — a Jewish American Princess. Then ironically, at age 16, in the middle of sewing my own gym bag in Home Economics class, (we should still make this mandatory, btw) I was also poked by a needle. Now mind you, there are no witnesses. I couldn’t very well shout out, “Who just saw me Prick myself?” because I would have been sent to the principal for profane language. But from that day forward, my mother could never awaken me to get to school on time.
CINDERELLA: There can be no doubt of copycatting here. But how Walt managed to spy on me in shoe stores, I’ll never know! It was my sheer amount of shoving, jamming and forcing my pregnant, swollen feet inside that last pair of silver stilettos in a Size 6 narrow, (during Nordstrom’s half-yearly sale) that was obviously duplicated for his stepsister’s dramatic scenes. The fact that I was only raised with a brother or that I’m deathly phobic of mice need never come up in the lawsuit. And perhaps I haven’t cleaned out our fireplace lately, but I can attest to scrubbing many a bathroom fixture. Nicknaming me “SToilet” instead of Stephanie would not be too far-fetched.
WRECK-IT RALPH: Here I can only go after Disney for taking the title of this recent film directly from tapping my phone. Ralph is the name of my Allstate auto insurance rep. Three times during the same year this movie was made, I had to call and report a claim with my Mazda, lowering my voice to a shameful whisper the third time when I confessed, “I Wrecked it, Ralph.”
FINDING NEMO: I might be persuaded to drop these allegations since it’s a bit of a leap. However I want it on record that I’ve always lost my notes (for my blogs) and other scraps of papers I scrawled groceries on to buy at the market. Therefore, I thought up a clever name for a contraption I invented that locates your “To Do” list around the house with an annoying buzzing sound. “Finding Memo!”
PARENT TRAP: Alright, here my case is completely airtight. I have twin boys and my one scaredy cat son once bribed his courageous lookalike brother to go to the pediatrician to get an extra flu shot for him. When his Dad and I discovered the switcheroo, we didn’t reconcile our marriage, but we did have an hour long phone conversation where we both (miraculously!) agreed that the boys should lose dessert for a week and get different haircuts.
TANGLED: Just look at this picture of my hair.
Can there be any argument what the movie is based on?? Plus when I tell a white lie, my mother always recites, “Oh what a Tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.” Thanks Ma, I’ll split the settlement with you on this one.
FREAKY FRIDAY: Disney must have a thing with the “Swapping People” bit (see Parent Trap above) but I definitely explored this theme first. Witness the following multiple dialogues between me and my daughter.
Daughter: You can’t keep saying, “Cuz I said so!”
Me: Yes, I can. And when you’re the mother, you can say it too.
Daughter: All the other mothers are letting their daughters go to the dance.
Me: I’m not all the other mothers.
Daughter: Well I wish you were!
Daughter: It’s so unfair! You have no clue what life as a teenager is like nowadays. It’s not like when you were in school and your biggest stress was pricking your finger with a needle in Home Ec class!
Me: Try shoe shopping with big feet, scrubbing toilets, taking your twin brothers to the pediatrician for vaccinations, talking with car insurance companies, never being able to find my memos for my blogs, having a hairdo so tangled that it resembles a rat’s nest, and dealing with a smart-mouthed teen like you, Young Lady!
“Ya got that, Walt? Freaky Friday was born when my sassy daughter was!”
And tonight if I see any Disney producers or writers loitering around my dinner table, it’s . . .
“OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!”
I’ll see you in Court, Mickey!
Meanwhile, please see my latest laughter featured on Huffington Post about men I would NEVER date.