Can you stay friends with your Ex?? Some people might think there’s a word missing from that sentence. It’s supposed to say Ex-Smoker or an Ex-Sister-in-law or an Ex-Con, right? Um, no. Just plain Ex. As in your Ex-Spouse or Ex-boy/girlfriend. Well in that case – – the answer is obviously a resounding, “No!” Right?
Next blog, please!
But hold on just a minute. I am here to suggest otherwise. I am actually proof of otherwise. Sort of. You see with my first divorce, even though we have kids together – – we don’t speak except for the essentials. Arranging the Time for drop-off and pick-up, report cards, orthodontist bills, etc. Second divorce, I decided to do the exact opposite to see if it would lead to better results. Not only would we stay civil, but we would stay good friends. Having done it both ways, I am now going to write the sequel to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The Ex plays both parts.
When you stay Bitter Enemies you always know exactly where things stand!
First Ex: Because of the holiday, the check was delayed in the mail.
Me: Assuming you sent it.
First Ex: F**K You.
First Ex: Goodbye Bitch.
So that pretty much followed the “expedient and effective ex-spouse communication” formula called: “L.I.S.T.E.N” = Lemme Insinuate Something Terrible, End Neatly.
But let’s see what things sound like when you’re “Good Friends.”
Second Ex: Hi there! What time is the birthday party tonight?
Me: Silly me. I thought I told you several times already. 6:30. Looking forward to having you. Oh, and you wrapped his present, right?
Second Ex: No. I thought you would do that. You’re so much better at it than I am.
Me: How sweet of you to say, Dear-heart. Okay, I’ll come pick it up so I’ll have time to get it ready beforehand.
Second Ex: Great, give me an hour while I go out and find something.
Me: Oh? Are you saying you haven’t bought our son, who turned ten years old as of 8:20 this morning, his own birthday present yet?
Second Ex: Thank you for reminding me of that pertinent information, Miss Organizational Queen.
Me: You’re welcome. Nothing ever changes. I give you one simple assignment…
Second Ex: Excuuuuse me! Some people work all week long.
Me: And what do you call cleaning, cooking, laundry, bathing, helping with homework, refereeing fights, carpooling. . .
Second Ex: Watching soap operas and eating Bon-Bons and. . . Hello? Hello, are you still there??
What is a Bon-Bon anyhow??
So in case you’re wondering, the above conversation followed the “communication while staying friends with your Ex-Spouse” formula known as: “P.O.L.I.T.E” = “Pretend obedience, Laser Insult, Then Eradicate!”
But Now . . . It’s Party Time!
Me: Hey everybody — – you remember my first husband? He can’t stay. He just came over to drop by a check that was (throat clearing sounds) “lost” in the mail.
First Ex: Do you have a pen?
Me: Oh? You got over your anal phase and don’t carry one anymore? Wait by the door please.
Second Ex: (striding confidently past first ex) Hi everyone! Sorry I’m late. The shopping mall was packed. Something smells wonderful!
Me: You always did like my Meatloaf.
Second Ex: Yes, your meatloaf inspired me. To become a Vegetarian.
Me: Oh my favorite Big Fat Comic, you! So, from the looks of that wrapping paper, you got him a basketball?
Second Ex: Still that Nosy Little Sleuth I love!
Me: But he already has two.
Second Ex: If you ever bothered to play basketball, you might know that when they’re old, they bounce crooked.
Me: Of course. You would be very familiar with being off-balanced.
Second Ex: I also brought our pretty little hostess something. The extraordinary mother of my wonderful children, who always sets the example of never showing up empty-handed. Here’s another box of chocolate Bon-Bon’s for you. I had the feeling you’re running low.
Me: How thoughtful. Now Get Out. This is MY house now. Leave this instant! You passive-aggressive, rude…
Second Ex: Fine. I’ll just take MY ball and go home. And that’s MY big-screen television. I’ll just go into the garage and get MY toolkit to remove it from the wall.
First Ex: Lemme give you a hand with that.
Second Ex: Hey, thanks. You ever shoot hoops?
First Ex: Always time for a little One-on-One.
Second Ex: Excellent. Grab us some beers and we’ll play on our court in back.
First Ex: You mean on MY court. I poured that concrete and installed that net when I was married to her.
Second Ex: And you have my sympathies for lasting as long as you did, Man.
Now Dear Reader, please excuse me whilst I change the title of this blog from “Can You Stay Friends With An Ex?” to “Can Your EXes Be Friends With Each Other? And if you don’t mind, I will not be answering that insane, ludicrous question at the moment.
What do you think? Should you stay friends with an Ex? Please tell me in the comments.