Fifty Shades of No Way!


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If that’s the version of the recent bestseller you’re reading in your house, this is for you! However, if you’re too busy having sex to read this blog, then you obviously don’t believe in statistics. Research shows the majority of females (in our age range) have low or no sex drive. But apparently, a mere 15% are quite the opposite. If you fall in the latter category of highly sexually “driven” women, before you quit reading this to “rev up your engine” again, I have a favor to ask – – Can I please carpool with you?!? Okay, since this is a humor blog, I am permitted to joke a bit, but there’s a common misconception that lack of libido is a trivial issue. And until it is taken seriously, women will continue to suffer. Unless these same women talk openly with their partners and doctors about how disturbing they find their lack of desire, (hey, we aren’t having sex, we may as well use the extra time in our schedules to talk about WHY we aren’t having sex!) nothing will ever change.

Professor John Studd, (a distinguished gynecologist from England and chairman of the British Menopause Society) is angered by what he sees as the dismissive attitude of many doctors to the problem of low sex drive in women. First of all, go ahead and google his last name so you can put to rest the idea that I made it up! Then read this quote from him – – “Low libido is a very common condition. My patients are aged anywhere from 30 to 70. I think it’s a tragedy when an important part of their lives just disappears, women are expected to do absolutely nothing.”

Well well, Dr. Studd… I’m 49 and doing absolutely nothing this weekend — shall we make London Bridge fall down? Err, I mean…I couldn’t agree with you more that honest communication is a crucial component here. Just look at all the men who fill a Viagra prescription so they can keep up with the women they think want MORE performance. And then to partake in some next day “Vi-Brag-ra” with their buddies on the golf course, of course. Meanwhile, we females are filled with tremendous “Viaggravation,” because the only performance we actually want is viewed from third row, center, orchestra seats. “Wicked” anyone?

So how do we detangle ourselves from this woven web of misinformation and intertwined assumptions that have long been perpetrated? And how do we dispel the myths about hormonal balancing, which in many cases is all that’s needed to bring back sexual desire? I am living proof that using testosterone will not deepen a woman’s voice – just yesterday Disney asked me to fill in for one of their high-pitched characters – – Menopausal Minnie Mouse! And if it grew excessive hair, wouldn’t all men be rubbing testosterone by the bottle on their bald spots?

But don’t take my word for it, get all your sexual questions answered and fallacies set straight by showing up to your nearest bookstore to check out all the new Menopausal Guides on this very subject. Oh, and if you don’t bump into me in one of the aisles, it surely means I’m now one of the 15% too busy having sex to leave my house. Okay, that may be a bit optimistic. If I’m absent, it means I’m writing my own new novel, “Fifty Shades of…Well, Okay!”

PS. I know you’re still wondering – – why do those 15 percent of menopausal females want so much sex? Well, they claim they no longer fear pregnancy. I don’t know if I buy that logic, but let me think about it while I do housework. Scrubbing my (thank goodness, bunless!) oven is a total turn-on!

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3 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of No Way!

  1. Very good article and even though you did great adding some levity to this topic I agree it is a topic that is quite important. I actually get that topic coming up often in the office. Most of the time it can be remedied naturally. You are quite a talented author. Having the ability to bring humor to these types of things in a fun way is a good talent.

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