Disclaimer: This topic has no author turning over in his grave. It’s all in fun.
Let’s turn “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” into “If You Give Your Spouse Some Nookie.” I think books should grow with us as we age. I don’t want to keep packing up my beloved classic children’s literature into cardboard boxes to be rummaged through by sticky hands at garage sales for a quarter. Any writer expecting to have their children’s book become a Classic AND sustain a permanent place on our bookshelves needs to offer an intriguing 2nd Half-Of-Life version. We are no longer wearing footie pajamas and reading in our bean-bag chairs. Now we’re donning housecoats (what IS that type of apparel for, anyhow?) and reclining in our Barcalounger chairs.
In that spirit, here are some new “Grown-Up” Title modifications and a few of my recommendation notes to the Author.
Goodnight Prune (Good Night Moon)
Are You My Udder? (Are You My Mother?) This one should be carefully illustrated so as not to offend certain body types.
Withering Nights (Wuthering Heights)
Les Menopausals – Hey Vic – – You were so close with the whining women, the depressing outlook, and the frumpy dresses.…just kill off that pretty little Cozette.
Are You There Bod? It’s Me, Menopause (Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret) – – Self-explanatory content but I suggest the Dust Jacket have a fun-house mirror on it.
Poky Little Progesterone (Poky Little Puppy) – – Hurry back home, sex drive!
Mopey Chick (Moby Dick) – – On Depression
The Legend of Weepy Wallow – – On Grief and Sadness
Scratch Her In The Eye! (Catcher In the Rye) – – Yup. When the Depression Fades, There’s Rage!
STILL MORE SELF-HELP SECTION! (And we need it…Oy!)
Shred Bag to Discourage (Red Badge of Courage) New Tips For old Shopaholics
Calm Lawyer (Tom Sawyer) A list of Divorce Attorneys who don’t yell.
Struck Thin (Huck Finn) The latest “Lose 10 pounds overnight” diet book.
All of Her Lists (Oliver Twist) Household Organization book
All of Her Cysts (Oliver Twist) Medical Diagnostic Manual
Kvetcher and the Rye – – An older Jewish woman visits a Deli
The Middle Spouse I’ll Remarry Series (The Little House on the Prairie Series) – – Includes Titles: The Middle Spouse on the Contrary, Middle Spouse is Scary & Middle Spouse is on Dairy – – about a Lactose Intolerant Hubby who falls off the wagon with ice-cream.
Games the Defiant Teach (James and the Giant Peach) – – Spy/Espionage novel about rebellious grown children who give aging parents wrong directions on how to play Words With Friends and Candy Crush.
Sale of Two Pretties (Tale of Two Cities) – – A couple of well-preserved, middle aged women become Call Girls
Pat The Money! (Pat The Bunny) – -Latest Wall Street Thriller…comes with a velveteen dollar bill.
Nancy Drew a Most Wanted Photo, to Help Police Find Her Deadbeat Ex-Husband – Enough said? Mystery solved!
Bi-Curious Georgia Series – – Includes Titles: Injurious Georgia, Spurious Georgia and Luxurious Georgia (after the divorce settlement)
Court or Oy! (Corduroy) Yes, Lots of lawsuit books coming out.
Ramona the Best Chest is Never A Pest!
Henry Huggins & Henrietta Kissings – A match made in Beverly Cleary heaven.
Wilma Wantsa (Dark) Chocolate (Satis)factory (Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory)
PURELY ADULT SECTION
(For those of us who haven’t thrown in the sheets just yet.)
Where the Wild Flings Are! (Where? Where??)
Charlotte’s Web of Sexual Deceit!
Pat the (Playboy) Bunny!
Rebecca Of Little Blackbook Charm
The Sketcher and the Thigh (That J.D. Salinger, gosh he sure is prolific!) – – Here I’m envisioning a coffee table artistic book of classy nudes.
Hop On Cop – – Dr. Seuss meets strippers in uniform!
Lean Legs & Gam (Green Eggs & Ham) – – yeah, I could have gone for an exercise book here, but Fetish seems more fun.
Challenge: In a comment below, Think of your own fave child/teen book and try to “Adultersize” a new title. Or leave one for me (to try!) to do.
Three Little NYPD Pigs
Jack Hand Has Been Stalked
All A Din
Wee Willy Tinkle
The Owl On The Pussy Sat
Ha!! Now listen you – – is it fair to upstage the Blogger with your brilliance??
Actually I borrowed them from your mind. I had a good rummage round and found these lurking in a corner lost and forgotten.
Your “xxx” cabinet is massive in there. I didn’t peek. Honest !!
I wrote a similar post to this way back and had a lot of fun with it. Have a look ❤
Oh, this is classic stuff here! Love them all!
For the past week, this blog, hands down, has been my favorite way to wrap up my day. Once I’ve tied up loose ends, put the kids to bed and am waiting for them to fall asleep, I stop here. I can actually feel myself relaxing. So much so that I’ve learned I should visit the ladies before binge reading. Nice image, no?
I am suffering from Mom Mush Brain tonight so I will only suggest titles. If I ever manage to think of something even half as clever I’ll be sure to drop it off. My suggestions:
The Phantom Tollbooth
The Wind in the Willows
The Secret Garden
Thanks for the laughs!
You’re just a complete doll. You have no idea how happy your comments make me. Can I bottle you and keep you on my nightstand? I’ll see what I can come up with to “tweak” the suggested titles you gave me. And I want to read the book called, “Thanks for the laughs!” 😉
Right back at ya! I love reading your blogs and I love reading your comments, and I’d also like to say that I really like that when you post it’s a real post. Not trying to poo-poo anyone’s efforts but when someone posts just random stuff with no real thought or substance I find myself thinking, ‘If only there were a social media site for them to go to post such things . . . oh wait, there’s Facebook’. Not trying to be snide but I guess I’m saying I like to see effort. I’m never disappointed here.
And while I may be short I, rather unfortunately, am not bottle-sized, although, sometimes my brain feels like it could fit into an itty-bitty container. Those are usually the days I’ve been watching non-stop kids’ shows because someone is ill. Like today.
As for the book, when it comes out it’s going to be titled: Thanks for the Laughs . . . And the Loss of Bladder Control. Your welcome!
For the moment the one that comes to mind is “A Child’s Treasury of Verses” which later in life (and especially here in New Jersey) is more handy if it’s “A Wild Treasury of Curses.” Just wait, more will come to me when I’m supposed to be sleeping!
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Reblogged this on Slog About All Things Mushy and commented:
Now his is a list of books I want to read!
Take it away Little Miss Menopause!
P.S. Don’t forget to read her “About” page. You will thank me later ;)!
I don’t know how to thank you for this reblogging kindness… New around these parts and the most fun I am having is finding blogs with word play titles as fun as yours! Can’t wait to explore. Thanks again for being a binge reader….that’s how I operate too. “If a little is good then more is always better!”
I am a sucker for “new interpretations” of old words and women with a sense of humor!
On your “about” page you had me, well let me just say, I am worried about my neighbors now, they might think that I went completely kazunk, after hearing me laugh non stop for quite some time and then see me go around and look for a couch where I could spill my perfume on :)!
Oh and regarding those English Muffins with butter on top, they remind me of, well let’s just say that now I am not sure if my interpretation of them has something to do with my next blog entry which involves Scarlett Johansson’s boobs ;)!
I am binge reading your blog my Dear Little Miss Menopause. My tea went through my nose after seeing this: “Kvetcher and the Rye – – An older Jewish woman visits a Deli.” Thank you for helping me to clean my sinus :)!!
How about GULLIBLE’S TRAVELS-what happens when you believe everything you read, RIP VAN WRINKLE IN TIME-all the sleep in the world won’t help- 10 Tips on aging gracefully. You really know how to get that muse’s juices flowing girl. Thank you and keep ’em coming…(KING ARTHUR AND HIS NIGHTS OF GREAT EXPECTATIONS) Oh, I’ve really got to get back to work…
Clever is an understatement to describe your creative contributions. Love Gullible’s Travels, lol! Doncha just hate it when works calls slightly louder than fun? Thanks again for being here. Stephanie
I think you’ve got “original” nailed. The book list is brilliant and I would SO buy “Are You There Bod? It’s Me, Menopause”.
Oh. My! Sides splitting from laughing. I’d also buy “Struck Thin”. Shit. I’d buy them all!
Kvetcher and the Rye – An Older Jewish Woman Visits the Deli is outstanding. Love it.
Okay … how about:
“OF NICE AND MEN: How to Tell if Your Boyfriend is Really the Jerk Your Friends Say He is.”
“I’ll LOVE YOU FOREVER: Until I Get Dementia and Forget Who You Are.”
One for you: The Secret Life of Bees
Wow. Just wow. Have I ever met my match, girl! (The Little Match Girl – Hans Christian Anderson…lol)
I just adore both of yours. Witty, witty and WITTY.
And thank you for giving me one that opened a Pandora’s box (and I didn’t fill it with Fox in Sox!)
Let’s see….first my mind went straight to the gutter…
The Secret Life of Knees (Pleas, Tease, & Yes, Please!) – – Laments from a Female Submissive. (a Shades of Gray Seizequel.)
or a cleaner genre:
The Secret Strife of Knees – – A Mother’s guide to Baby’s Crawling Years.
The Secret Wife of See’s – – Candy Store exposé from the Woman who Never Has to Pinch the Chocolates to See’s What’s Inside
The Secret(ions) in a Life With Wheeze – – On Being an Asthmatic
Now I’m off to explore more of your brilliant blog.
You are so sharp! It would have taken me a month to come up with those titles! Well done! (And I like “The Secret(ions) in a Life With Wheeze – On Being an Asthmatic” best!!!)
Oh Boy, I’m asking for trouble. How would YOU update my childhood favorite The Little Engine That Could? Another one: And to Think that I Saw it on Mulberry Street. Then, I think of Grimm’s Fairly Tales,
Mother Goose and all of her rhymes
which have already been rewritten many times…
Good to see you here again, Grace. Forgot about that classic train! Let’s see…
How about – –
“The Little In Gin That Could…Become a Better Beer” (and of course what does he say? “I drink a can, I drink a can…”)
The Brothers Grimm and Mother Goose – – well now that’s full of possibility, isn’t it? Here’s what I did with that topic on a previous blog
Oh, good! You already added your two cents to those two wells!
Fellatio Hornblower. Can I say that here?
Ha! I need to change the “Say Anything” comment prompt here for people like you. Thanks so much for stopping by.
Reblogged this on DrShapero's Blog and commented:
Today I wanted to share some humor from a funny woman. Laughter is good for your health and brightens the soul. Thank You Stephanie Lewis for sharing your humor.
To Your Health,
Thank you very much for doing that.
This is wonderfully funny. I am not so sure the completely fiction section is completely fiction. You asked for some other titles: “The very hungry neighbor” or perhaps “Don’t let the menopausal woman drive the bus”