Disclaimer: The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
It all started with an innocuous online message. “ 1) Make a list of five people and do an act of kindness for each. 2) Ask each of them to pass it on to five more people. 3) Enjoy making the world a better place!” Simple, yes? Oh right, there was a fourth step. 4) “Now you’ve seen this message and cannot Unsee it! If you break the cycle of good deeds – – bad things will happen!”
This was “Pay It Forward” Damien Omen style!
“Unsee it??” My OCD now properly activated, I decided to keep a carefully detailed journal for proof and safety documentation.
1st Act Of Kindness: Sent My Mother Flowers
Result:
Mom: Got your flowers. This your way of saying, “the bloom is off the rose?”
Me: Ma, Nobody says that anymore.
Mom: But you’re thinking it!
Me: I just wanted you to have some grace and beauty.
Mom: Some Grace. I dropped a glass pitcher trying to water them. And in a few days, I’ll have a dead bouquet. There’s your Beauty.
Me: Okay nevermind. But do me a favor, do something nice for five friends, ok?
Mom: I should do YOU a favor and do something nice? You want something nice done, do it yourself.
Me: Alright. I’ll do kind deeds in your honor. And put your name on them.
Mom Don’t do me any favors! Better you should sign it, “From Your Secret Pal.”
Me: Nobody has those anymore.
Mom: My Mahjong ladies are here. I have to defrost the water. It’s still frozen.
Me: Ma, That’s called ice.
Me: (into dial tone) Be careful. There’s a cycle of goodness that shouldn’t be… Hello, hello Mom? How’s your rheumatism?
2nd Act of Kindness: Put Chocolate Heart in Son’s School Lunch.
Result:
Son: What’s with the candy? One of your nags to see Dr. Tartar for my cavities?
Me: Not at all. Just conveying love.
Son: Well, now Savannah is jealous.
Me: And you’re absolutely positive she wasn’t born in Georgia? Maybe conceived?
Son: Seriously?! It’s called a Destination Name. Very popular.
Me: Okay, okay. So your Resort-Style, Vacation Girlfriend is jealous because your own mother loves you?
Son: Hell, I couldn’t show her that Lame-o note of yours. So she thinks the heart is from Madison, (who was not born OR conceived in Wisconsin) but who beat her out of head Cheerleader and now she hates her guts.
Me: Sorry to hear that. But please abide by the rules and pay it forward. I have this cycle…
Son: Why do you always have to bring your monthly friend into everything? Maybe after my Physics finals.
Me: (swallowing hard) Uh oh. You’re in the middle of finals?? (Secret Pal better strike again!)
3rd Act of Kindness: Left a Water Bottle for the Mailman
Result:
Mailman: I’m sorry Little Miss Menopause, but I gotta issue you a citation for using marked US Postal Service property as a trash receptacle.
Me: (batting lashes) It was terribly warm out. I thought you might be thirsty.
Mailman: It’s 62 degrees out. Are you having one of your Hot Flashes or Confusion Episodes, Miss Meno?
Me: No, I am not. Clearly, I was NOT littering. There was a “Pay it Forward” note that was attached.
Mailman: I’m returning your note, postage due.
Me: You don’t understand. We mustn’t break the chain.
Mailman: Chain letters are illegal to send through the mail. I’ll have to report that too.
Me: Okay, okay. But please, when you get home – – can you just cook your wife a nice dinner or something?
Mailman: That’s very unlike me. She’ll guess you and I are having an affair. Plus she’s about to have a baby, remember?
Me: (swallowing harder) OMG, Rosemary’s Baby!!!
Mailman (pats my hand) It’ll all be okay once your Xanax gets bumped up. See you at 11 pm tonight when I’ll make a delivery with “the complete package.” I’ll knock three times.
Me: Shouldn’t you ring? Doesn’t the Postman Always Ring Twice?? (Note to self: Write a blog about people conversing using only Movie Title dialogue)
4th Act of Kindness: Bought Random Buff Guy a Coffee at Starbucks
Result:
Guy: This some kinda sick joke? I’m on a health kick. I just gave up caffeine a week ago. It interfered with my steroids. I’m only here for the chocolate crumb cake.
Me: Oh, sorry! Could you pass this coffee to the cute, elderly lady behind you, then? But say it’s from you. I’d like you to take the credit.
Guy: Oh man Gramma! Is your tongue ok? This crazy broad in front of me made me give you scalding coffee.
Me: (leaning) Sorry, Gram. But did you see that movie, “Pay It Forward?” With Helen Hunt?
Guy: Hard of hearing. She’s looking around for Candid Camera.
Me: No, not Funt, Dear. Hunt. Hunt. HUNT!
Guy: Now she thinks you’re calling her a female body part.
Me: Naturally.
5th Act of Kindness: Go to Stationery Store and Buy a “From Your Secret Pal” Stamp and Send Blank Checks To…(deep breath)
1. My Mother’s entire Mahjong group 2. Her Rheumatologist 3. Son’s Physics teacher 4. Our dentist, Dr. Tartar 5. Son’s girlfriend Savannah 6. All her Timeshare cheerleader friends: Madison, Brooklyn, Tallahassee, Seattle, Massachusetts, & of course, Mt. Kilimanjaro 7. The Mailman’s Wife, 8. Their OB-GYN, 9. Starbucks Staff, 10. The Buff Guy’s Grandmother’s Hearing Aid Salesman, 11. Helen Hunt 12. Alan Funt 13. (and for good measure) Emily Blunt & Bonnie Hunt.
Oh and what the hell, send Steven Spielberg the ominous “Pay It Forward” note. (Evil laugh) Let him be the one to worry about “Just when you thought it was safe to go to your mailbox!” He could use a Prequel.
So funny! No good deed goes unpunished — didn’t make that up, but it fits!
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Oh my gosh this was HILARIOUS!!! Please tell me these things didn’t really happen, did they? Oh bless your HEART for all your sweet and incredibly compulsive diligence!!! LOL
Don’t give up girl… well, maybe give up on your mom. 😉
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Shhhhh, I made most of it up (except the mailman part) But hey, anything can happen when you’re stepping out of your comfort zone to be nice. 😉 And thank you, Chris! ps. Any news??
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Everytime I visit your blog, I find something new (old) and laugh my pants off. Now I need to pack my things because I’m being escorted out of the building. Cheers!
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Terribly kind of you to say! Thank you! And I am terribly overdue to come read your beautiful poetry. With six kids, this is going to be a mother’s day gift I give to myself this weekend. Take care, you!
Stephanie
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Happy mothers day ❤ And my silly little blog will be around when you find time to peruse 😉
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You must have a very tall postman, to be able to reach the ceiling. On the comedy stage, you are right up there with him.
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Grace, Grace, Grace. I’ve been graceless. I’ve been wondering where you’ve been and if all is ok? So glad to wake up and find, “you’re baaaaaaack!” However, you’re nothing like the static on my television. Thank you, Grace!
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This was so clever!!! (And what IS THE DEAL with the naming kids after places? Here in NY we have a lot of Madisons and Brooklyns.)
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I tell you LMM I hate chain letters. I don’t consider the unsee part though. 🙂
But random act of kindness is good.
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Absolutely hilarious post!
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You’re just a doll to forward again. I am officially decorating your TOP bunk with stickers, feather boas and stuffed Bloggy Bears! Have a great wknd Donna who is the Best (and the most Prolific) “T’was” poems parodier ever! (that’s not a word, is it!)
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Love that movie. Cried a lot, but love it. Think I’ll forward the laugh you just gave me to my friends, hmmmm, and foes too!
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You’re just a doll to forward again. I am officially decorating your TOP bunk with stickers, feather boas and stuffed Bloggy Bears! Have a great wknd Donna who is the Best (and the most Prolific) “T’was” poems parodier ever! (that’s not a word, is it!)
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Now I’m blushing again….uh, no.’Twas just another flash.
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Brilliant, had me laughing….
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Oh I am sooo glad you took the time to say that. Sometimes I think family or friends in real life are jut obligated to be polite and chuckle. Means so much more when I just read your comment. Unless of course you are really Aunt Carol in disguise? 😉 Thans again and now to explore your blog!
Stephanie
ps. wait do you have one ?
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ha! no, not aunt Carol… very funny… yes I have a blog, http://dinaillustration.wordpress.com,
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Haha this was hilarious! We’ve all been there trying to do good and having it explode in our faces. The trick is to not overdo it and pretend like you do this kind of stuff everyday.
By the way, you do have a Gravatar profile and it does say that you stay in San Diego.
Psst.. also, you don’t want to be compared to Salman Khan. He’s not really an actor, more like body builder (will take off shirt in EVERY movie); girls swoon over him and guys want to have a body like him; totally shitty acting. Don’t tell the other Indians I said so, he has a fan base (think One-Direction-ers and Beliebers) that might hunt me out and kill me!
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Aha, Kind Sir – – could you possibly lead me to this mystery Gravatar Profile that announces my residence? And thanks for the tip about Salman Khan. I really would rather I reminded someone of a funny female writer rather than some macho shirtless actor! Quick – – think of someone for me! 😉
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Tina Fey? She is funny, she is a writer and she is female!!; the whole package!!! LOL 😛
I’m surprised you’re not aware of your Gravatar profile. When you hover over your image next to your comments, it expands and links to your Gravatar profile at this link:
http://en.gravatar.com/creativebynight1
“Always ready to help” and “The more you know” (2 statements applicable to this situation)…
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Who knew Hovering was encouraged here?! Okay… Got it! And I like the Tina Fey thing too. She definitely IS the “Total Package” (although that phrase cracks me up when applied to men. I think I’m gonna work that into this posting in the part with the mailman.” Thank you!
See? Actually Your comment was the total package. It was Helpful (hovering tip) Ultra Flattering (Tina Fey comparison)and Plagarism Worthy (Whole Package concept)
Thank you! Note: you needn’t feel pressured now that ALL future comments need to be so complete. If you could just keep to a 75% Productivity standard rate, that would suffice. We could then discuss implementing a salary on top of your commission. 😉
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LOL 😛 (Productivity standard for this comment: 0%; Salary: 0) 🙂
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what a slacker!
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Heh! 😀 I guess trying to be good just gets you a punt in the… hunt.
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Clever, my fellow uh … “keep it clean rhymer!”
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Sorry, I seem to be the Queen of Bad Puns. Or, to quote: “Some have a way with words, others not have way. I are one of them.”
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This is great. Loved it.
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Thank you once again – – very grateful to have you as a follower!
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You seem to be the female version of Salman Khan from San Diego. Now if you are wondering who the hell is Salman Khan let me tell you he is probably the most popular Bollywood actor in India. Last week the film JAI HO released starring Salman Khan and in that movie the protagonist played by Salman decided to fight corruption by the Pay It Forward concept. Obviously being the hero he ultimately ended up winning but in the process got fiercely beaten up, shot at point blank range and even had a six inch blade knife stuck in his back. Going by the same logic ignore the trash that you got from the first 4 acts of kindness because you are pretty much likely to end up making everybody sit up and take notice of you after the 5th act. 🙂
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This has got to be one of the most interesting and informative comments I’ll ever get. But one question. How did you know I am in San Diego??
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I think i read that on your Gravatar profile. Yes it has to be on your Gravatar profile because it definitely ain’t on your About page.
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Do I have a Gravatar profile? Giggle…..If you say so — I’m gonna take your word for it.
Signed,
Trusting new blogger
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I’ve had days like this!
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Killing ’em with Kindness (literally?)
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This was a Pay It Forward laugh. Hey, Maybe we’re on to something. What if everyone who comments goes out and Pays It Forward with a humorous. Oh, right, sending body parts in the mail is illegal too. I suppose I’ll just stick with a card or chocolates.
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Yes stick with card or chocolate. Preferably sticky chocolate IN a card. Or hey, Chocolate cards? (Call Hallmark!)
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