Paying It Forward Backfires!


photo-167Disclaimer: The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

It all started with an innocuous online message.  “ 1)  Make a list of five people and do an act of kindness for each.   2)   Ask each of them to pass it on to five more people.   3)   Enjoy making the world a better place!”  Simple, yes?   Oh right, there was a fourth step.   4) “Now you’ve seen this message and cannot Unsee it!  If you break the cycle of good deeds – – bad things will happen!”

This was “Pay It Forward” Damien Omen style!

“Unsee it??”  My  OCD  now  properly  activated,  I decided to keep a carefully detailed journal for proof and safety documentation.

        1st   Act  Of   Kindness:  Sent My Mother Flowers

       Result:

Mom:   Got your flowers. This  your way of saying, “the bloom is off the rose?”

Me:   Ma,  Nobody says that anymore.

Mom:   But you’re thinking it!

Me:   I just wanted you to have some grace and beauty.

Mom:   Some Grace.  I dropped a glass pitcher trying to water them. And in a few days, I’ll have a dead bouquet. There’s your Beauty.

Me:   Okay nevermind.  But do me a favor, do something nice for five friends, ok?

Mom:    I should do YOU a favor and do something nice?  You want something nice done, do it yourself.

Me:    Alright.  I’ll do kind deeds in your honor.  And put your name on them.

Mom     Don’t do me any favors!   Better you should  sign it, “From Your Secret Pal.”

Me:    Nobody has those anymore.

Mom:    My Mahjong ladies are here.   I have to defrost the water.  It’s  still  frozen.

Me:    Ma,  That’s  called  ice.

Me:    (into dial tone)   Be careful.  There’s a cycle of goodness that shouldn’t  be… Hello, hello  Mom?  How’s your rheumatism?

2nd Act of Kindness:  Put Chocolate Heart in Son’s School Lunch.

photo-163

            Result:

Son:   What’s with the candy?  One of your nags to see Dr. Tartar  for my cavities?

Me:   Not at all.  Just conveying love.

Son:   Well, now Savannah is jealous.

Me:   And you’re absolutely positive she wasn’t born in Georgia?  Maybe  conceived?

Son:    Seriously?!   It’s called a Destination Name.  Very popular.

Me:   Okay, okay.  So your Resort-Style, Vacation Girlfriend is jealous because your own mother loves you?

Son:   Hell,  I  couldn’t  show  her  that  Lame-o  note of yours.   So she thinks the heart  is  from Madison,  (who was not born OR conceived in Wisconsin)  but who beat her out of head Cheerleader and now she hates her guts.

Me:   Sorry to hear that.  But please abide by the rules and pay it forward.  I have this cycle…

Son:   Why do you always have to bring your monthly friend into everything?  Maybe after my Physics finals.

Me:   (swallowing hard)   Uh   oh.  You’re  in  the  middle  of  finals??   (Secret Pal better strike again!)

3rd Act of Kindness:  Left a Water Bottle for the Mailman

generic water bottle: no trademark infringement!

generic water bottle:
no trademark infringement!

       

           Result:

Mailman:   I’m sorry Little Miss Menopause,  but  I  gotta  issue  you a citation for using marked US Postal Service property as a trash receptacle.

Me:  (batting lashes)   It was  terribly  warm out.  I thought you might be thirsty.

Mailman:   It’s 62 degrees out.  Are you having one of your Hot Flashes or Confusion Episodes,  Miss  Meno?

Me:    No,  I  am not.  Clearly,  I  was  NOT  littering.  There was a “Pay it Forward” note that was attached.

Mailman:     I’m  returning  your note,  postage  due.

Me:     You don’t understand.  We mustn’t break the chain.

Mailman:    Chain letters are illegal to send through the mail.   I’ll have to report that too.

Me:     Okay, okay.  But please, when you get home – – can you just cook your  wife  a nice dinner or something?

Mailman:   That’s  very  unlike  me.  She’ll  guess  you and  I  are  having an affair.  Plus she’s about to have a baby, remember?

Me:  (swallowing harder)   OMG,  Rosemary’s  Baby!!!

Mailman  (pats  my  hand)     It’ll  all  be okay once  your  Xanax  gets  bumped up.  See you at 11 pm tonight when  I’ll  make a delivery  with  “the complete package.”  I’ll knock three times.

Me:   Shouldn’t you ring?  Doesn’t the Postman Always Ring Twice?? (Note to self: Write a blog about people conversing using only Movie  Title  dialogue)

4th Act of Kindness:  Bought  Random  Buff  Guy  a  Coffee  at Starbucks

Forget Trademark infringement. Maybe they'll sponsor my blog!

Forget Trademark infringement. Maybe Starbucks will sponsor my blog!

        Result:

Guy:   This  some  kinda  sick  joke?   I’m on a health kick.  I just gave up caffeine a week ago.  It interfered with my steroids.  I’m  only  here for  the  chocolate crumb cake.

Me:    Oh, sorry!  Could you pass this coffee to the cute, elderly lady behind you, then? But say it’s from you.  I’d like you to take the credit.

Guy:   Oh  man  Gramma!  Is your tongue ok?  This crazy broad  in front of me  made me  give you scalding coffee.

Me:   (leaning)   Sorry,  Gram.  But  did you see that movie, “Pay It Forward?”  With Helen Hunt?

Guy:    Hard of hearing.  She’s looking around for  Candid Camera.

Me:     No,  not  Funt,  Dear.  Hunt.  Hunt.  HUNT!

Guy:    Now she thinks you’re calling her a female body part.

Me:     Naturally.

5th Act of Kindness: Go to Stationery Store and Buy a “From Your Secret Pal” Stamp and Send Blank Checks To…(deep breath)

1. My Mother’s entire Mahjong group  2. Her Rheumatologist  3.  Son’s Physics teacher  4. Our dentist,  Dr. Tartar  5. Son’s girlfriend Savannah  6. All her Timeshare cheerleader friends:  Madison,  Brooklyn,  Tallahassee,  Seattle,  Massachusetts,  &  of course, Mt. Kilimanjaro  7.   The Mailman’s Wife,  8.  Their  OB-GYN,  9. Starbucks Staff,  10.  The Buff Guy’s Grandmother’s Hearing Aid Salesman, 11. Helen Hunt  12.  Alan Funt  13.  (and for good measure) Emily Blunt & Bonnie Hunt.

Oh and what the hell,  send Steven Spielberg the ominous “Pay It Forward” note.  (Evil laugh)  Let him be the one to worry about “Just when you thought it was safe to go to your mailbox!”  He could use a Prequel.

photo-165

Hum the Theme from Jaws starting now…..

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43 thoughts on “Paying It Forward Backfires!

  1. Pingback: The Little Things – Guest Bloggers – Day 3 | The Heart of Sassy Lassie

  2. Everytime I visit your blog, I find something new (old) and laugh my pants off. Now I need to pack my things because I’m being escorted out of the building. Cheers!

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    • Grace, Grace, Grace. I’ve been graceless. I’ve been wondering where you’ve been and if all is ok? So glad to wake up and find, “you’re baaaaaaack!” However, you’re nothing like the static on my television. Thank you, Grace!

      Like

  3. Pingback: Badges, Awards and Chain Mailing! | SID's Blog

  4. You’re just a doll to forward again. I am officially decorating your TOP bunk with stickers, feather boas and stuffed Bloggy Bears! Have a great wknd Donna who is the Best (and the most Prolific) “T’was” poems parodier ever! (that’s not a word, is it!)

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  5. Pingback: BA DUM TSS! | Donna Gwinnell Lambo-Weidner

  6. Rita Rudner (I think that’s her name :/). Or Paula Poundstone, even. Your humor is like them. Self deprecating with a slosh of acid wit thrown in. Lastly, an oft used quote “No good deed EVER goes unpunished” 😀 Now I have to go change my pants. I had an accident :/
    Leslie

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    • LESLIE!! I just love Rita Rudner!! I just saw her live. One of my favorite lines of hers… (you know how they say to consult your physician before starting any exercise program?) “Hello Dr?? It’s Rita. I was thinking of doing a leg lift later on today. What do you think?” LOL!

      And “No good deed ever goes unpunished?” Wow! My favorite show Wicked!

      You’ve just hit a grand slam with things that I love! Cue Julie Andrews… “Comics with Acid Wit and Musicals with Witches. Blue Jeans that Always Fit and Commenters with Niches. These are a few of my favorite things!” We’ll work on the rhythm later, ok? Thank you!

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  7. Haha this was hilarious! We’ve all been there trying to do good and having it explode in our faces. The trick is to not overdo it and pretend like you do this kind of stuff everyday.
    By the way, you do have a Gravatar profile and it does say that you stay in San Diego.
    Psst.. also, you don’t want to be compared to Salman Khan. He’s not really an actor, more like body builder (will take off shirt in EVERY movie); girls swoon over him and guys want to have a body like him; totally shitty acting. Don’t tell the other Indians I said so, he has a fan base (think One-Direction-ers and Beliebers) that might hunt me out and kill me!

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    • Aha, Kind Sir – – could you possibly lead me to this mystery Gravatar Profile that announces my residence? And thanks for the tip about Salman Khan. I really would rather I reminded someone of a funny female writer rather than some macho shirtless actor! Quick – – think of someone for me! 😉

      Like

      • Tina Fey? She is funny, she is a writer and she is female!!; the whole package!!! LOL 😛

        I’m surprised you’re not aware of your Gravatar profile. When you hover over your image next to your comments, it expands and links to your Gravatar profile at this link:
        http://en.gravatar.com/creativebynight1
        “Always ready to help” and “The more you know” (2 statements applicable to this situation)…

        Like

        • Who knew Hovering was encouraged here?! Okay… Got it! And I like the Tina Fey thing too. She definitely IS the “Total Package” (although that phrase cracks me up when applied to men. I think I’m gonna work that into this posting in the part with the mailman.” Thank you!

          See? Actually Your comment was the total package. It was Helpful (hovering tip) Ultra Flattering (Tina Fey comparison)and Plagarism Worthy (Whole Package concept)

          Thank you! Note: you needn’t feel pressured now that ALL future comments need to be so complete. If you could just keep to a 75% Productivity standard rate, that would suffice. We could then discuss implementing a salary on top of your commission. 😉

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  8. You seem to be the female version of Salman Khan from San Diego. Now if you are wondering who the hell is Salman Khan let me tell you he is probably the most popular Bollywood actor in India. Last week the film JAI HO released starring Salman Khan and in that movie the protagonist played by Salman decided to fight corruption by the Pay It Forward concept. Obviously being the hero he ultimately ended up winning but in the process got fiercely beaten up, shot at point blank range and even had a six inch blade knife stuck in his back. Going by the same logic ignore the trash that you got from the first 4 acts of kindness because you are pretty much likely to end up making everybody sit up and take notice of you after the 5th act. 🙂

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  9. This was a Pay It Forward laugh. Hey, Maybe we’re on to something. What if everyone who comments goes out and Pays It Forward with a humorous. Oh, right, sending body parts in the mail is illegal too. I suppose I’ll just stick with a card or chocolates.

    Like

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