Disclaimer: I am in no way “pro-divorce.” But once it occurs, I think both parties should make the best of it.
Creating a Dating Profile For Your Ex Is An Idea Whose Time Has Come and Here is Why!
1. You’re divorced and have moved on in a healthy manner, but your Ex hasn’t quite made the transition. He or she is “mopey” (in that same way that made you want to give them a haircut in their sleep when you were married to them because THEN they’d really have something to mope about!) or he/she simply hasn’t developed that “confident single attitude” yet. However, the two of you have stayed civil and you’d like to help this person (whom you supposedly cared enough about to take vows with) get “out there” with a friendly little (okay, big) Shove.
2. It’s been quite some time now after your split and “somehow” you got signed up to pay spousal support for (a) the rest of the duration of your Ex’s natural life OR (b) until he/she remarries. How to shorten this outcome? (Hint: I’m talking about option (b) – – that’s the moral/ethical one!) Writing a dating profile on their behalf to get them married off will abbreviate this route significantly!
3. You’re doing a great service for society. Nobody knows your Ex like you do, right? Therefore, writing a personal ad for them will actually lessen the future divorce rate in our country by helping his/her dates have reasonable expectations. Your personal ad will reflect accurate reality and allow the new potential Suitor (or Suitess in the case of your ex-husband) to do their due diligence completely online! But you must be fair and honest in your description and respond to all follow-up questions courteously and without intent to sabotage.
4. You have kids and you would very much like to steer your Ex toward a quality individual so that you can sleep at night knowing your Ex won’t bring Charlie Manson or Kim Kardashian to your children’s Back to School Night. In other words – – You are a Control Freak.
5. Your Ex is still very much obsessed with the past and drives you crazy trying to go back in time and rewrite history with statements that begin with, “If only we would have ____________, we would still be married today.” They may fill in the blank with some of the following…
If only we would have . . .
- Dated longer before tying the knot
Had better communication
Had More sex
Had Less sex
Put a lock on the refrigerator
Had double sinks
Had His and Her Bank Accounts
Had a slight inkling that cheating would be destructive
Gagged your mother
Worn coordinating Halloween costumes like Romeo & Juliet
or John & Lorena Bobbitt
You get the idea. They dwell forever and have an unrealistic idea about reconciling. They need a real life distraction with a new relationship! Yep, yep they surely do!
Here is the profile I wrote for my ex-husband and examples of follow-up correspondence.
Nice Enough Guy, Still Looks Pretty Good Thru Lots of Marital Stress!
Versatile Aged Man who could pass for 42 (if you don’t keep up with your optometrist appointments) or could also sneak by as 65 (and often will try this to get a Senior Discount at the movies) Seeks Loving Female who gets that “he works hard all day and when he comes home would just like a little peace and quiet, some good food and lots of sex. Is that too much to ask for?” The preceding was a direct quote that I can replay for you on my cellphone (which I recorded without his knowledge) if you call me on my landline after 10 am. I can’t stomach hearing it any earlier than that because the volume/tone of his voice is quite irritating when I first wake up. You’ll understand six months in.
He’ll be your biggest fan and best friend in every way you can think of….except will NOT go shopping, compliment your appearance, help around the house, make you a surprise party, or hold your hair back during morning sickness, which everyone knows is really All Day sickness – – but pleeease be beyond that stage of your life! Makes a mean pot of chili for Super Bowl Sunday and bucks up when he gets a cold. No acting like a big baby on the sofa with a 99.5 temperature for this dude. Nuh uh.
Treats your family nice when they’re over, but afterwards might make a few off color jokes about the low-cut dress your sister wore. But hey, at least he notices fashion! Note: He WILL always tell you your ass looks great in those jeans (regardless of how much of a bubble butt you have) because he’s learned this gets him a little somethin’/somethin’ later that night, so definitely do NOT go by him when you’re getting dressed for an evening out.
Great with cars, (driving, washing and repairing) and will even stop to ask directions (only after you’ve been cruising around, lost for at least 10 minutes) but overreacts terribly if you drive over a curb, back into a pole, or happen to smash into a parking attendant booth, causing your car to get banned from the movie theatre forever. Supportive of your career if it’s math or science related but if you’re a writer, have a ready-made list completely memorized so you can easily rattle of the answer to “what exactly did you do all fucking day long?” (Again, phone me after 10 am for voice inflection example.)
TEN ADJECTIVES TO DESCRIBE WHAT HE’S LOOKING FOR IN THE NEW WOMAN: Flexible, (physically and emotionally) Gullible, Sweet, Able to be Well-Kempt on a Budget, Possess a Patient Sense of Humor (ability to laugh enthusiastically at the same joke over and over again as if you are a Virgin Audience) and must have a Positive Nature (the washing machine isn’t old and broken, it’s quaint and charming!)
HIS IDEA OF A REALLY GOOD FIRST DATE: Not to spoil any fun or surprises for you, but do dress in something you won’t care gets ruined. And eat lots of protein beforehand. (Oh, and bring a single sharp knitting needle, some super-glue, and some feathers)
More Questions? Contact me at EveryoneDeservesASecondChanceJustNotWithMe@gmail.com
Hi there – – Everything sounds pretty typical here with the no shopping and no compliments, but can you tell me if he would ever be open to breakfast in bed ?
Yes, he’ll be on the receiving end any weekend morning. Oh, silly me. Did you mean will he ever serve YOU brunch in bed? On Mother’s day and sometimes Valentine’s day, but you have to be okay with runny eggs because he once overcooked them and I made the mistake of complaining so now he overcompensates. (or else he’s just vindictive)
Little Miss Menopause
Hi and Thank you for telling it like it is. What about talking? Will he just listen without always trying to solve or fix everything?
Just Need A Sounding Board
Yes, he will stay very quiet and let you talk, but you should occasionally check to make sure he hasn’t completely tuned you out. I sometimes interrupt my own monologue about going to the pediatrician’s office by seductively saying, “… and the next thing I knew, he pushed me back on his desk and he was an incredible lover — I climaxed over twenty times!” Then I strategically pause just to see if he jolts forward and says, “Huh??”
With regards to trying to solve your problems or fix everything. Do not worry your pretty little head. He’ll fix absolutely nothing. Especially if it’s in desperate need of repair.
Little Miss Menopause
To Whom it May Concern: Good idea to write your Ex’s profile but you don’t mention money very much. Did you get jewelry? Taken out for meals? What about vacations, live-in maids and weekly massages?
Just Appreciate Pleasure
This may NOT concern me anymore since I removed the cubic-zirconia from my left hand, but You REALLY need to move along to a different profile. You’ve got the wrong guy.
Little Miss Menopause
Hey! So what exactly does he look like? On a scale of 1-10, what did your friends think about him? I really can’t be with a guy who is losing his hair, or is shorter than I am, or has that little stomach paunch thing going on.
Some Have A Little Less Of Worth
You must be gorgeous. Life must be Perfect. Your manicure never chipped. And you’re still looking for your Significant Other because……???
Little Miss Menopause
Well there you have it! A totally new concept in “Dating After Divorce!” I will be starting my own website where you too, can make a profile exactly like the one above for your own Ex, so stay tuned for your chance to submit something at “MySpouseWasn’tACompleteLouse.Dot Com.” Please leave an indication in the comment section below whether I should hold space for a Text Profile (with endless scrolling for your vivid descriptions) or a Visual Profile because you can get the job done with a single photo and a short video clip of your Ex in the shower.
Happy Life After Divorce!