Here is a fact: If you have OCD (Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder) or are a Perfectionist or even just Superstitious, (heaven help you if you’re all three!) you will
waste spend a lot more time on your blog than the typical person. There are even sub-sets of related problems that bloggers can develop and not ever realize they are afflicted. Read on to see if you recognize yourself in any of these 10 maladies.
1. The Compulsive Commenter Syndrome (extra 10 minutes) Before you leave a comment on someone else’s blog, you absolutely MUST read what other readers have already said about it, otherwise you could duplicate their remarks or just sound terribly boring in comparison. Add on another ten minutes if the person’s blog already has over twenty comments.
2. The Crime of the Rhyme – – (extra 8 minutes) You get caught up in rhyming, especially your titles. Kind of like this: The Lame Name Shame Blame Game! Prior to blogging, this problem manifested itself in other ways – – When you took a music course in college, your thesis was entitled, “Mozart: His Notes-art and Quotes-art!” Or you admonish your kids for turning in a paper called simply, “U.S. History,” when it could have been called “The Blistery Mystery of U.S. History.” Consequences? Nobody wants your opinion on anything anymore, and the only people following your blog also follow Dr. Seuss. He’s dead.
3. Paragraph Quotas – – (extra 13 minutes) You need to include a certain number of witty points or laughs per paragraph. The number is usually 7 because that’s your lucky number. If you count and find you’ve fallen short, you need to go back and funny things up. This is non-negotiable. And sometimes just for good luckle, you need one extra chuckle. (A humorous rhyming bit counts as two!)
4. The Proof is In The Pudding Proof-Reader – – (extra 32 minutes) You re-read everything you write at least eight times because you’re certain there is some slight typo or misspelling that has slipped through the cracks. Wait! Does misspelling have one “s” or two? Tsk, tsk. But that’s easily remedied because a spellchecker can catch those. But what if you type “their” when you mean “they’re?” Ahh, there, there. Don’t worry so much. Bloggers are a forgiving bunch. Right? Maybe. Prior to blogging, you were a door and oven checker. Because how do you know those latches are REALLY locked or the flames TRULY extinguished? Better go look again just to make sure. I’ll wait.
5. The Cliche Police – – (extra 22 minutes) You will seek and destroy anything you write that rings a bell. Like that preceding sentence. Or these next two sentences. All your analogies must be “fresh as a daisy.” Your metaphors “Like a virgin, touched for the very first time.”
6. The Fanatic Follower — (extra 11 minutes) Someone you Follow has not posted anything in a week. Oh dear! Are they okay? Should you check on them? What if something happened in real life and they never post again? Ever. You will never know why. Even a spouse or next of kin won’t have their Password to come online and give a reason for their absence. Which means you won’t be able to send flowers. This is closely related to #7.
7. Patterns of Perceptively Paranoid People – – (extra 141 minutes) You analyze your Follower’s activity on your own blog, particularly scrutinizing for changes in the length or the intensity in the words people write with their comments to you. Sensitive to any decreases or increases in the frequency of their “Likes.” Uh oh, “GlueStickMom” isn’t quite commenting with as many paragraphs as she used to. Perhaps one of your posts has offended? Or maybe you ought to go to her blog and comment a little bit longer, just in case she believes things have become too one-sided. And what is up with some polite Followers (TyWood12?) who can be enticed to “Like” your blog, but will rarely say a word. You can’t even get a “LOL” out of them. Would he talk to you at a cocktail party? You even resort to Reverse Psychology and customize your comment prompt to read, “Don’t Even Think About Leaving A Comment!” But these are Pressing Questions. Will Menomama3 ever come back to you? Why did “Alfred Hitchcock Master” only appear once and then disappear? That’s a true mystery/suspense. Can “Bumblepuppies” leave a comment without sarcasm? Did “Message In a Fold” change her identity to see if you’ll still recognize her? And what about all your Facebook friends? You can see that they come to View you quite often, but then mums the word. You knew it all along – – They hate you. They really, really hate you.
8. Alliteration Addiction Advocation– – (extra 18 minutes) You are highly in favor of post titles that sound like this: Mathematical, Musical or Maniacal? or simply refer to # 6 , #7 and #8 in this list and guess who needs a treatment center ASAP?
8.5 Topic Titillation – – (extra 31 minutes) Yes that’s correct – – this is # eight and a half. When you state upfront that you’re writing a list of “Ten,” then you cannot go over that amount, even if you think of one more really good thing. Anyhow, “Topic Titillation” is when you realize that you have a wide range of readers, both age-wise and interest wise and you need to think of something to write about that gets nods from every single one of them. Kinda like when you take all six of your kids (with a 14 year age range, mind you) to the movies. How can “Frozen” please everyone? That’s gotta be one great film. And it is.
8.75 Image Imagination Implication — (could cause you to delay a post for 48 hours) This is when you get so caught up (inside your own head) with how a graphic or photo will look on your post that the reality cannot possibly measure up to your expectations once you’ve clicked, “Add Media.” Therefore you now have “Preview Changes” on speed dial and the sheer # of revisions (which consist solely of you resizing or switching the same image from left, to right to center) outnumbers the number of potential Future Followers for your blog through 2015. Just take a break and head to The Happiest Place on Earth.
9. Freshly Pressed Perfection – – (extra 82 minutes) If you read all the advice on WordPress and watch their tutorials about “How to Craft the Perfect Blog” and do everything just so, you WILL finally get Freshly Pressed. It just has to work that way. After all, you followed all the rules! (Oh wait, they’ve done away with Freshly Pressed?? Why must things change in life?? Nooooooo!)
10. All’s Well That Ends Well – – (extra 11 minutes) The perfect ending to a post must occur in such a way that the reader feels satisfied, but yet is left still wanting more. And it must happen within a certain word count. Currently that would be lucky number 821. (This blog has gone over!) Studies show if you’re any wordier than that, your Blog will end up on someone’s “To Do” list. (Or maybe their “To Don’t” one.)
1. Buy kitty litter 2. Play Candyland with Kids 3. Have Sex with Spouse 4. Read Little Miss Menopause’s Blog 5. Cut grass with manicuring scissors
So what does it all mean? I certainly am not making light of anyone who has these troubles, especially when they overflow from the Blogosphere into the real world and interfere with your everyday life. And especially when I suffer with all of them (and more!) myself. If you find you’re spending far too long composing a post or lingering on WordPress in general, remember there’s a 12 Step Program that can help you. Simply recite their Serenity Prayer. (See below)
“Grant me the Serenity to accept the comments I’ve submitted that do not have an Edit Button, The Courage to Change my posts that are too safe and milquetoast (or is it milktoast?? Help! It’s after midnight and I need to click “Publish” already!) and the Wisdom to know the difference between a WordPress Follower and a Real Life Stalker. Amen.”