Dealing with a NON-Jealous Mate

jealousy-cause-and-cureYou may reread that headline and decide it’s probably a typo. Or you may think having a NON-jealous mate is actually a good thing! And that may be true except … when it’s not.

Bear with me as I relate the following conversation:

Me: So I had lunch today with my publisher, Jamie.

Him: Nice. Whadya order?

Me: Salad. You know . . . Jamie IS a unisex name. Aren’t you suspicious that my publisher is a guy? And feeling a bit concerned that I had lunch alone with a male?

Him: Nope.

Me: Well he is. And he’s actually VERY male.

Him: That’s nice. Glad to know my gender values books.

Now stop right there.  I know, I know. This illustrates he’s perfectly secure within himself. Also it shows he has a ton of faith and confidence in me and our relationship, trusting I’m not going anywhere.

But what does this say about his perception of my potential value and attractiveness? He doesn’t bat an eye that someone else might find me worthy of coveting! jealousy

Metaphor Time:  Every Friday I drag my overflowing trashcans out to the curb. I never worry someone will come by and flirt with my garbage when I’m not around, or try to take it for their own pleasure. And it’s not because I have a trusting relationship with my rubbish . . . well the recyclables maybe. But now consider this – – parked in my driveway is a shiny, new red Mazda. And you better believe I installed an alarm system on that baby!

Aha! What does this tell you? That’s why I just had to find out more. So I told my best friend to call our home phone several times a day and hang up when he answered.

Him: Darn telemarketers.

Seriously?? So I bought myself some beautiful flowers.

Him: That’s so nice that your older kids would send you an early mother’s day bouquet.

Grrrrrr. So I made a big production out of carrying in a mysterious brown wrapped package from the front porch late one night.

Him: Wow. Who’d guess Nordstrom delivers after midnight?

Ugh. So I secretly opened it in my closet, then intentionally left its contents (a lacy negligee with tags still on) out for him to stumble upon.

Him: Ha. Someone actually believes you could wear a size extra-Small.

That does it.

Me: Haven’t you been the least bit concerned over the past few days? And haven’t you seen the amount of friend requests I receive on Facebook from men who look wild with desire?

Him: Yes. I meant to tell you to stop posting those graphic pics of your brisket and brownies.

Me: Sheesh. What will it take for you to feel threatened? To fight over me? To challenge someone to a duel?

Him: (looks around) Is that last question directed at me or did Sir Lancelot just ride into the room?

Me: OMG! Well, would you at least rescue me if I was tied down to the railroad tracks and a speeding train was imminently approaching?

Him: North or Southbound? Sorry. Absolutely. Of course. No question.

Finally! I decided to stop (the hypothetical questions) while I was ahead. He didn’t need to know that (in my mind) the reason I was tied to those tracks was because Jamie, (my VERY manly publisher) had shouted in a fit of jealousy, “If I can’t have you, then nobody can have you!”



I love hearing from you. Tell me if you get jealous or if your mate ever does?

43 thoughts on “Dealing with a NON-Jealous Mate

  1. Haha love it! I actually had this theory some years ago, and realized it is the way WE are with the relationships. I had a non jealous mate at one point. Couldn’t for the life of me figure out why and as you have, I asked! That made me realize the very reason he wasn’t jealous…because I desperately portrayed my severe attachment to him. (I’m exaggerated) But once my relationship died (completely other issues) he did a 180 scrambling while knowing I may just be available to someone else. I think we need a healthy set of jealousy. Which may be a thin line because to much jealousy is merely a desperation to hang on to someone for superficial attachment. Good read!


  2. I think it is time for a male viewpoint on this, and whether you think you are just being funny or whatever, there is a grain of truth in there somewhere. I have been with my female partner for about 23 years now, but I can tell you straight, if she had shown as much as an ounce of jealousy, or wanting me to be jealous, I would have turned and walked away. Sorry, but no amount of jealousy is good in a relationship. When I was younger I was taught jealousy is a good thing. Being young, I believed what I was told. My jealousy probably lost me the woman I wanted most in my life. Then I got involved with a woman who would only go out with a guy who expressed jealousy. I dropped her on our first date when she tried to get me to fight some bruiser who was supposedly looking at her like he wanted… I told the bruiser he could have her and walked out the door. I learned the hard way, watching my friends in relationships that included jealousy on one side or the other, and I can tell you straight most jealous guys are wifebeaters and cheaters. I guess if that is what a woman wants, those kind of guys are easy to find. But if you want a gentle guy who trusts you and loves you without wanting to own you, hey, there’s one in every hundred or so, maybe one in a thousand. You want to lose him, play your little games, no guy like your hubby will let you play them forever. Now, if you think my comments are funny, well, I’m certainly not laughing, but feel free to find the humour in my comment. My girlfriend is right behind me, reading what I am writing, and laughing her head off. Must be a woman thing…



    • Hi! I really value this comment. Yes, this is a humor blog but I love what you said about there always being a grain of truth in there somewhere. This is a completely fictional scenario I made up here but I knew it would strike a few chords for people and your story is one many a woman can learn from! My inspiration was actually a few episodes on I Love Lucy where she tries to make him jealous for her own ulterior motives and he figures it out and turns the tables on her but in real life (Google “how to get your Ex back by making them jealous”) people have actually turned this into a business, can you believe it? So there must be enough customers! Anyhow I LOVE when someone recognizes that there’s a valuable lesson even in comic writing (or attempts at it!) because comedy and tragedy (like Love and Hate) are more related than people realize. Thank you SOOOO much for taking the time to do this! Stephanie


      • Hello, Stephanie. Glad to meet you. My name is Jerry, but when I am on the internet I use the handle “rawgod,” which I thought was funny when you said you were being stalked by some guy calling himself “Godd.” I thought that was a nice bit of irony.

        I guess I will have to read one or three more of your blogs to get used to your sense of humour. I know people often miss my humour because I can say things with my most serious voice. But that is life.
        Thanks for the kudos, I love it when someone tells me I have helped them to learn a lesson when I wasn’t trying to teach them anything at all. Okay, well, a little bit of one, cuz us nice guys get passed over by so many women who say they want a nice guy but go home with the local lothario. When I was single I used to tell myself that “she” wasn’t worth my time anyway, but it still hurt everytime it happened.
        So sometimes I overreact when I read about women playing games with their significant others. I figure it is a risk not worth taking. Now, you said you were just trying to use fiction to create a scene you could use to make people laugh. I hope for your sake it wasn’t all fiction, and the man in the story is real, and yours. Every woman deserves a guy like that. As a man I am actually a man-hater. Give a guy a drink or two and he will tell you (me, seems I’m trustable-NOT-and easy to talk to. Some guy tells me he is cheating on his SO and if I know her I will tell her what he said. Most guys make me sick and my best advice to women who are hurting is to find a wife, they generally make better partners.
        Hope I didn’t bore you, but I get talkative at times.(like all the time, lol)!
        My blog is called Spiritual Atheism, A New Spirituality. If you’re interested in such things, I would love to have you read it.
        Loving you like a brother,

        Liked by 1 person

        • Hey Jerry, so glad our paths crossed over this make/female trust issue and yes the Godd thing will always be our funny coincidence, since I’ve never met another blogger who goes by rawgod. Highly Intriguing! Gonna check out your blog asap. Thanks again.


          • I hope you enjoy it, Stephanie. Hmmm, two emails exchanged, and we already have our own thing? You didn’t answer my question about your hubby? Isn’t there one?


        • Hi Stephanie,
          You must be one very busy lady. I have only read a few of your blogs, but I saw all the places you write for, and if each one is a different column, WOW!!!!
          I always wanted to be a writer, but after 2 rejection slips and one, if you change your aliens from nice people into warlike people, I’ll print that story” but my aliens weren’t violent, so that ended my sending things out but not my writing for my own satisfaction. I’m not cut out to be the Robert Heinlein or Stephen King of the 21st century. I even failed at employing a literary agent, so I guess I just wasn’t good enough. But that isn’t why I am writing you. I have a scenario for you, preceded by a poem, and followed by some questions the answers to which you might be able to use in a blog someday. If you are willing, that is. Feel free to a Thanks but no thanks rejection slip. I haven’t had one of those in almost 50 years…

          the one that got away

          does she ever think of me
          the way i always think of her
          as she stood in the check-out line
          that day at the supermarket
          or was it in the line-up for a show
          or maybe in a bar somewhere
          our eyes met for a moment
          across the crowded room
          our hearts called to each other
          and time suddenly stopped
          no those were all others

          this woman was definitely in safeway
          as i stood holding a basket of fruit
          she held a basket of lettuce
          i couldn’t tear my eyes from her
          she fulfilled my fantasies
          all my dreams come to life

          but she was with a girlfriend
          so i could not answer her
          when she commented about my
          and did i always buy so many
          (they were on sale that day)

          her eyes were smiling playfully
          but were they smiling for me
          i was too shy to ask
          still i hoped they were

          i think she noticed me
          the way i was noticing her
          she looked so young and innocent
          the kind of woman i longed to throw
          my arms around
          to protect her from the wicked world
          where life could be so cruel
          (i’m sure she needed no protection
          but it couldn’t hurt to pretend
          i was wearing armour
          and she was in distress)

          did she see me as the kind of man
          she could entrust with her love
          sensitive and caring
          considerate and sweet
          intelligent and wise
          capable of the sort of love
          that transcends common lust
          yet lets that lust emerge
          when the time is right
          (is this the man she saw
          and is this why she spoke)

          oh rue the day that i was born
          so shy that i can seldom speak
          my heart
          in a crowd of more than two
          as on that fateful day

          but i never will forget her
          dark hair and eyes
          small turned-up nose
          full lips
          pink cheeks
          soft silky skin

          and though the chances are
          i’ll never see her again
          there will always be a place
          within my heart
          for her memory

          but how many spaces can i keep
          for women such as her
          she’s not the first and certainly
          i hope she’s not the last
          (because i am so shy
          i always let them get away
          even though i think sometimes
          they would prefer to come to me)

          and i wonder
          are there female hearts somewhere
          that keep a special room
          for men they sometimes see
          but never get to meet

          is there one woman in this world
          who sees me as
          the one who got away
          (because she was as shy as me)

          Fantasy! What a beautiful thing it is. What would we do without fantasy in our lives? Yet, I always wonder, do they have to stay fantasies? Can they never become reality? What does it take to make that first move, to take the chance and open yourself up for ridicule, and worse, an impolite putdown?
          For me, this all stems from my early teenhood, when a girl I thought was beautiful, who looked so kind and caring, laughed in my face when I asked her for a date. Her comment was very hurtful, filled with unwarranted spite, as if just to ask her out was a total insult to her. I have no idea why she reacted the way she did; I was just a normal guy, trying to meet, I thought, a normal girl. For the longest time I hated that girl, because I thought she had destroyed my self-confidence. I owe her an apology for that, though she probably forgot me two seconds after she turned away. I have only myself to blame.
          Just like I have only myself to blame for so seldom ever pursuing those women I was writing about in the poem you just read. I’m sure most of those women were “not” experiencing the same things I was, as our eyes met, or our hands accidentally touched, or however else that initial contact was made. But still, I would love to know how women react to those situations they sometimes find themselves in, wherever they might happen, when another person attracts them somehow, and though the attraction might be mutual, they just go on about their business, not taking that step to start communication. Is this a common experience for women, as it is for men?
          Men feel this way all the time. Whether it’s a woman’s beauty that attracts, or her smile, or her eyes, there is that “moment” when time stops, and you see before you a whole lifetime’s worth of happiness and joy, if only you could meet that woman who caused this feeling. But, because we know whole lifetimes cannot be filled with happinesses and joys, we do nothing about that attraction, except to file the memory away in our hearts, and occasionally take it out and let it cause wonder in our minds.
          Do women do this too? On one level I’m sure you must, it seems only human. Still, I would like to hear from you, and get your take on this subject. How often does this happen to you? Do you regret not having the courage to take the first step? Or maybe you did, with a quiet smile, or a soft word — and “he” didn’t pick up on your advance? What is it that goes through your minds at a time like this? I would love to hear from you, just to get a female slant on this fantastical situation.


          • Hi again Oh Prolific One! This was a wonderful poem and though I don’t write poetry myself, I feel it’s definitely highly relatable and has resonating imagery. You should submit it somewhere that publishes this type of thing for singles? Anyhow, I appreciate your scenario and your questions for me, but must confess — I’m a big believer in chemistry and how rare it can be in our lifetime so I’ve never been the type to hesitate, shy away from, or not summon up courage to go forward, in fact quite the opposite. I was married twice and both times I was the one who initiated the original conversation/meeting. And the same thing again with my relationship since. So I am probably not the right person to give feedback for your questions in your last paragraph other than my favorite Wayne Gretzky quote, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take!” Take care. Stephanie


            • Thanks, Kiddo. I sent a book of poetry to a poetry critic one day, just to see if and how he would respond. He told me what I wrote wasn’t “today’s kind of poetry.” That was in the 70s. I need to find my hard copies again. Apparently I am rough on computers, and I don’t just need to wipe them. I fry them, somehow, and then cannot retrieve whatever I had on them.


  3. I sometimes check my hubby for a pulse… (no jealousy)
    He is, on a weird note, afraid of loosing me to death. He thinks I will die much sooner than he will. I got nothing for that weird fear!
    ~Kim (psst… I married down too!) 😉 JK.


  4. I know exactly what you are saying… My husband was totally comfortable with all my male friends… even telling me “your boyfriend is on the phone”, to which I’d answer, “which one?”.. He’d laugh and tell me which of my friends (most of which he ended up stealing, by the way…)

    We want them to give a s*** but at the same time, who really wants a jealous significant other? My mother’s advice was this: A jealous man is a guilty one. So….

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Very funny. Quite sure your mate is very familiar with people gawking at your beauty and charm. I know of a few occasions in which someone came up to me and didn’t know my mate was with me and commented, Wow, she is really hot. Which is fun to follow that up with, Yes, she’s with me. You have quite a mind filled with alternate scenarios.
    A relationship is founded on trust, honesty, and love. When you trust someone fully and that someone is your gorgeous mate then you can rest easy that whoever may be flirting with her she will do the right thing. When a couple has this they can be together for life.
    Your humor is top notch and I do enjoy it.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Sorry, hun…I’m more like your mate…and my SQO is more like you. (maybe I’m supposed to be the guy in our relationship???)

    I. Trust. Him. Absolutely and completely. If I didn’t trust him, I wouldn’t be with him.

    We may both flirt around the edges of things, but at the end of the day, we go home with each other.

    Liked by 2 people

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