Oscar: Come to order, please. We’re about to hear from Betty, our first brave guest speaker of the day, (a mixed-up victim who was beaten by a stir-crazy individual. Then she was whipped, burned, and hot candle wax was dripped on her while a roomful of people sang a happy chorus) But first I’d like to make a motion to change the name of our support group. We know about Drug and Alcohol Abuse, falling under the umbrella of “Substance Abuse.” So I thought we could call ourselves. . .
Betty: (groaning) Oh please. Not “Grubstance Abuse.” That is just so cheesy.
Oscar Meyer: Simmer down. I suppose you have a batter idea, Mrs. Crocker?
Betty: Yes! We want our just desserts. Not everyone is light and white like an Angel cake. There is some Devil’s food out there too. And that’s pudding it mildly. We’ve got to stop this black and white thinking. If only we could have marbled cake everyday.
Oscar Meyer: Well, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Betty: (challenging) You wanna piece of me??
Oscar Meyer: Mrs Crocker? You really take the cake. Moving on. Yes? You have the
table floor, Minnie.
Minnie – – (tiny voice) Sorry, I know that was just the icing on the cake. But all of us – – Mini-muffins, mini quiche, mini tacos, mini crabcakes and mini hotdogs – – (oh dear, I hope I didn’t leave out any delicious hors d’oevres?) – – we are so tired of being discriminated against as appetizers, sometimes even called Appeteazers! Bite-Size can be a real meal, too.
Oscar Meyer: We’ll have to put that on the back-burner for now. But please don’t think I’m taking it with a grain of salt. The children’s portion issue is no small potatoes and causes more than a little damage to your elf-esteem. Next up, I see we have a drinking problem
Smooth Talker: The trend of mixing fruit, yogurt and ice (who feels totally crushed, by the way) together, then selling it as a Smoothie has really caused us some Blender Confusion. And the mixture should be gray, but maybe a little more slate, so we’re taken seriously.
Oscar Meyer: What’s the difference? Gray or Slate? You’re still healthy. And your point? Besides just juicy conversation?
Smooth Talker: If we poured our hearts out in a fancy dessert dish and served it with a spoon instead of a straw – – Maybe we could hold a “Parfait Pride Parade.”
Oscar Meyer: Yeah, I’m gonna have to put an Enda to your Blenda Agenda. Next!
Egbert: (exclaiming) I’d like to expose my extensive expertise to examine an example of extreme exploitation and extermination of Eggs. We’re not exactly being coddled or lightly steamed, you know. Sometimes we’re also cracked open, beaten, separated and then smothered. Everyone thinks that it’s over-easy for us. But our philosophy is spare the rod, (soft)boil the child.
Oscar Meyer: Thank you. But the Eggistentionalist group meets down the hallway.
Filbert: Can I cashew you a question?
Oscar Meyer: If almond-erstanding you correctly, anyone nut taking allergies seriously will end up in a peanutentiary. I walnut tolerate jokes. We’re hot on the trail (mix) of repeanut offenders. What’s next on our schedule?
Splenda Sucralose: It’s the Artificial Sweeteners, Sir. We’re not allowed in any songs.
Oscar Meyer: Oh c’mon now, Honeybunch.
Splenda Sucralose: It’s true, Sir. The Sugar-Free population is getting the torte end of the stick.
Oscar Meyer: How so, Sweetheart?
Splenda Sucralose: We’re not mentioned in The Archies song (Sugar, Sugar – You Are My Candy Girl) and we never got to bid “Bye-Bye” to Miss American Pie. Not to mention Mary Poppins banned us by the spoonful from helping the medicine go down.
Nabisco: Well I find that a bit hard to swallow. There’s no life harder than that of a chocolate-chip cookie. Sorry if I spoke out of turn, but this is my first time here.
Oscar Meyer: Ha! He’s new. Well, that’s the way the Rookie crumbles, my man. And you don’t really have any bargaining chips here. Let’s see, our next order of business . . . We’re skipping Breakfast, because the toast has gone awry, (he figured out which side his bread was buttered on) but can anyone give the other food groups a lift back to their house?
Lox: Yes, I can bring home the bacon. But while we’re talking about the most important meal of the day, I’m campaigning to save the smoked salmon from mating with cream cheese. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, you know – – bagels should be more open-minded.
Oscar Meyer: I don’t mean to poke a hole in your theory, but there’s very little margarine of error. Now, if you’ll excuse me, We’re out of thyme, so we’re going to move on to the most important topic for me. Hot-Dogs. A ridiculously overlooked source of protein.
Samuel Adams: But Sir, we never got to discuss any alcoholic beverages.
Spuds: Or the difference between regular potatoes or sweet potatoes.
Hebrew National: And Kosher Products?
Oscar Meyer: Frank-ly My Beer, I don’t give a Ham! (or a Yam!)
Lox to Betty (hushed voices) Someday he’s gonna find out Life isn’t an “All You-Can-Meat” buffet.
Spuds to Chip (whispering) Yeah, nobody’s gonna save his buns when he meets his
Scallions/Shallots (re-scentfully) Hey everybody! Now that you woke up and smelled the coffee, I’m starting a new group out of my kitchen. It’s called “So What Am I. . . Chopped Liver? (& Onions?)
Have you written a personification piece? They really make me smile! Feel free to link yours in my comments if you wanna share with others. Oh and check out this recent terrific one about dogs! Not hot-dogs – – canines!