Summer is almost here and it’s time for me to think of another “Creative Vacation.” The kids have rejected the “Staycation” concept for a while now. That’s where you stay home and pretend you’re a tourist in your own city. (Note: At this point, do NOT suggest Disneyland.) I also have a few other original ideas I present to them:
I turn on the backyard sprinklers, for a fun “Spraycation.”
And . . .
We go in a horse drawn carriage for an exciting “Neighcation.”
But they aren’t buying any of it.
Yesterday I went on a website where you “Name your own price for hotel rooms and flights.” But I either insulted the computer with my cheap $$ suggestion or it defaulted to Walmart – – because after I made my seat selection on the airline, it impertinently asked me, “Paper or plastic?”
Next, the dreaded task began… (cue Jaws music) … bathing suit shopping! (worse than Jean shopping) And with a 16 year old Selena Gomez lookalike daughter yet! I won’t belabor the scene, but let’s say the tissues you use for your summer hay fever have sturdier fabric than the new bikini she’s begging to parade around in 24/7. Where’s the Freaky Friday movie switching experience when you need it?
Since apparently this has now become a “Weighcation,” I needed to reassure myself by stepping on my Denial Scale. That’s a new contraption that mercifully won’t disclose your actual poundage, but only displays the amount you’ve gained (please no!) or lost since the last time you foolishly stood on it. (Don’t believe me? Click here. ) My ex-husband says it’s like going to a Doctor who won’t diagnose my disease, but only confirms whether I’m recovering or getting sicker.
And trust me, I AM getting sicker….much sicker by the minute.
When packing time comes, a brand new revelation occurs to those of us who haven’t flown in years (because we’re terrified that the pilot just found out his wife has been cheating on him – – and now he could care less if he dies and he’s taking the rest of us down with him) – – The new revelation is that our luggage must also slim down! What???
The airline’s imposed “50 lb. suitcase per person” rule throws a wrench in my “Just In Case” packing ritual. Actually there’s no room for a wrench in my bag now.
My “Just In Case” (get it? Case!!) packing ritual goes like this . . .
Note: It sounds much better if you think of it as a poem.
WHAT IF? PACKING LIST
WHAT IF . . .
It doesn’t rain?
The pillows are bad?
The hotel has no iron to be had?
My hair breaks out? My skin gets frizzy?
A high heel breaks because I got dizzy?
I meet a tall man?
A short man?
A man with 20/20 vision?
A man without a circumcision?
I meet a mouse?
I cry and cry?
My eyes get dry
A nail breaks?
My mascara flakes?
My purse clashes with the bellman’s tie?
Okay, obviously stuffing in everything to cover all the above hypothetical scenarios into one Carry-On Bag is impossible.
And then it happens! I see the ad in the travel magazine. The answer to everything. No dieting or bathing suit needed to go here! No luggage restrictions! No flying on a plane.
Let Doozy Cruisey whisk you away on a dream Alaskan vacation. See Huge Glaciers! Whales! Wildlife other than your children! Choose your own cruise theme!
Okay so that last part was a little strange but nonetheless, it was worth a phone call.
Doozy Cruisey Specialist: Hello! I’m just oozing to talk about cruising!
Me: Um, maybe you better put a bandage on that.
Ten minutes later, my family (me and six children) are booked inside a 400 sq ft. cabin (one King size bed, plus they assured me the desk drawers ingeniously turn into bunk beds that kids love!)
Twenty minutes later, Doozy Cruisey calls me back.
Doozy Cruisey Specialist: Hi! This is Doozy Cruisey, where your ship always comes in!
Me: Is something wrong?
Doozy Cruisey Specialist: No Ma’am. I’m just calling to let you know there’s been a slight change in your ship’s itinerary. Your particular cruise will no longer make stops in Juneau, Anchorage or Seward. This is due to an engine defect and until we fix the problem, the ship cannot sail faster than 10 knots.
Me: But those were the only stops in Alaska we were making!
Doozy Cruisey Specialist: I understand, but do you remember your geography? Alaska is near Seattle, so we’ll be stopping there instead.
Me: There are no glaciers in Seattle.
Doozy Cruisey Specialist: And to compensate for that, the captain is going to be turning on the air-conditioner more often and creating some beautiful ice-sculptures on the midnight buffet. The ship will also screen the movie “Frozen” 24/7 on your cabin TV.
Me: Refund please.
Doozy Cruisey Specialist: Now, now. All the other passengers are in the same boat. Ha Ha. And none of them are demanding refunds.
Me: Give me my money back.
Doozy Cruisey Specialist: Don’t take that tone with me, Ma’am. You’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’. You better shape up or ship out. The only thing we can do is switch you to another cruise.
Me: What are my other options?
Doozy Cruisey Specialist: You could take a cruise to Nowhere.
Me: Where does that one stop?
Doozy Cruisey Specialist: Nowhere.
Me: Nowhere is NOT a destination.
Doozy Cruisey Specialist: If you ask Peter Pan, it is. He sailed to Neverland.
Me: He flew there.
Doozy Cruisey Specialist: Well, that’s the beauty of cruising. You get to sail instead of fly. You don’t have to worry that the pilot of the airplane just found out his wife had an affair and so he’s angry and taking everyone down with him.
Me: That would only occur to a crazy person.
Doozy Cruisey Specialist: Let’s get back on track. (I used to sell Train Trips) The reason for my call is to see if you’d like to purchase Trip Insurance for only $1,200. In case you need to cancel your trip to Alaska for any reason, you’d get a complete refund.
Me: But YOU just did cancel my trip to Alaska!
Doozy Cruisey Specialist: Why do you wanna go there anyhow? Whatever floats your boat. But I read your blog. You’re already a cold fish. Completely frigid in bed. You and your ex-husband were like two ships passing in the night. You don’t exactly have a face that could launch a thousand ships, either.
Me: That’s it! I’m leaving the worst review on Yelp that you’ve ever had. Actually, I’m going to blog about you. Just wait. I’m gonna take the wind right outa your sails. Make waves for you at work. My readers will never book a cruise with your company.
Doozy Cruisey Specialist: You wouldn’t dare. Hello? Ma’am? Calm down….no blogging……
Me: Thar’ She Blows!!
This was inspired by true events which you can read about HERE. Do you have a vacation that went wrong before you even left your house??