Would You Rock The Boat???


photo-303Summer is almost here and it’s time for me to think of another “Creative Vacation.” The kids have rejected the “Staycation” concept for a while now. That’s where you stay home and pretend you’re a tourist in your own city. (Note: At this point, do NOT suggest Disneyland.)  I also have a few other original ideas I present to them:

I turn on the backyard sprinklers, for a fun “Spraycation.”

And . . .

We go in a horse drawn carriage for an exciting “Neighcation.” 

But they aren’t buying any of it.

What?? Haven't you ever gone on a great "Haycation" before?!

What?? Haven’t you ever gone on a great “Haycation” before?!

Yesterday I went on a website where you “Name your own price for hotel rooms and flights.” But I either insulted the computer with my cheap $$ suggestion or it defaulted to Walmart – –  because after I made my seat selection on the airline, it impertinently asked me, “Paper or plastic?”

Next, the dreaded task began… (cue Jaws music) … bathing suit shopping!  (worse than Jean shopping) And with a 16 year old Selena Gomez lookalike daughter yet!  I won’t belabor the scene, but let’s say the tissues you use for your summer hay fever have sturdier fabric than the new bikini she’s begging to parade around in 24/7.  Where’s the Freaky Friday movie switching experience when you need it?

Since apparently this has now become a “Weighcation,” I needed to reassure myself by stepping on my Denial Scale.  That’s a new contraption that mercifully won’t disclose your actual poundage, but only displays the amount you’ve gained (please no!) or lost since the last time you foolishly stood on it.  (Don’t believe me?  Click here. )  My ex-husband says it’s like going to a Doctor who won’t diagnose my disease, but only confirms whether I’m recovering or getting sicker.

And trust me, I AM getting sicker….much sicker by the minute.

When packing time comes, a brand new revelation occurs to those of us who haven’t flown in years (because we’re terrified that the pilot just found out his wife has been cheating on him – –  and now he could care less if he dies and he’s taking the rest of us down with him) – – The new revelation is that our luggage must also slim down!  What???

The airline’s imposed “50 lb. suitcase per person” rule throws a wrench in my “Just In Case” packing ritual.  Actually there’s no room for a wrench in my bag now.

My “Just In Case”  (get it?  Case!!) packing ritual goes like this . . .

Note: It sounds much better if you think of it as a poem.

WHAT IF?  PACKING LIST

WHAT IF . .  .

It rains?

It doesn’t rain?

The pillows are bad?

The hotel has no iron to be had?

My hair breaks out?  My skin gets frizzy?

A high heel breaks because I got dizzy?

I meet a tall man?

A short man?

A man with 20/20 vision?

A man without a circumcision?

I meet a mouse?

I cry and cry?

My eyes get dry

A nail breaks?

My mascara flakes?

My purse clashes with the bellman’s tie?

Okay, obviously stuffing in everything to cover all the above hypothetical scenarios into one Carry-On Bag is impossible. 

And then it happens!   I see the ad in the travel magazine.  The answer to everything.  No dieting or bathing suit needed to go here!   No luggage restrictions!   No flying on a plane.

ALASKA CRUISE!

Let Doozy Cruisey whisk you away on a dream Alaskan vacation.  See Huge Glaciers!  Whales!  Wildlife other than your children! Choose your own cruise theme!

*  Booze Cruise   *  Snooze Cruise    *  Shoes Cruise   *  Jews Cruise   *  “Tom Cruise” Cruise  *  Blue’s Clues Cruise  *photo-300

Okay so that last part was a little strange but nonetheless, it was worth a phone call.

Doozy Cruisey Specialist:  Hello!  I’m just oozing to talk about cruising!

Me:  Um, maybe you better put a bandage on that.

Ten minutes later, my family (me and six children) are booked inside a 400 sq ft. cabin (one King size bed, plus they assured me the desk drawers ingeniously turn into bunk beds that kids love!)

Twenty minutes later, Doozy Cruisey calls me back.

Doozy Cruisey Specialist:   Hi!  This is Doozy Cruisey, where your ship always comes in!

Me:   Is something wrong?

Doozy Cruisey Specialist:  No Ma’am.  I’m just calling to let you know there’s been a slight change in your ship’s itinerary.  Your particular cruise will no longer make stops in Juneau, Anchorage or Seward.  This is due to an engine defect and until we fix the problem, the ship cannot sail faster than 10 knots.

Me:  But those were the only stops in Alaska we were making!

Doozy Cruisey Specialist:  I understand, but do you remember your geography?   Alaska is near Seattle, so we’ll be stopping there instead.

Me:  There are no glaciers in Seattle.

Doozy Cruisey Specialist:  And to compensate for that, the captain is going to be turning on the air-conditioner more often and creating some beautiful ice-sculptures on the midnight buffet.  The ship will also screen the movie “Frozen”  24/7 on your cabin TV.

Here is another bonus the Captain of the ship was throwing in to make up for Alaska.

Here is another bonus the Captain of the ship was throwing in to make up for Alaska.

Me:  Refund please.

Doozy Cruisey Specialist:  Now, now.  All the other passengers are in the same boat.  Ha Ha.  And none of them are demanding refunds.

Me:  Give me my money back.

Doozy Cruisey Specialist:  Don’t take that tone with me, Ma’am.  You’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’.  You better shape up or ship out.  The only thing we can do is switch you to another cruise.

Me:  What are my other options?

Doozy Cruisey Specialist:  You could take a cruise to Nowhere.

Me:  Where does that one stop?

Doozy Cruisey Specialist:  Nowhere.

Me:  Nowhere is NOT a destination.

Doozy Cruisey Specialist:  If you ask Peter Pan, it is.  He sailed to Neverland.

Me:  He flew there.

Doozy Cruisey Specialist:  Well, that’s the beauty of cruising.  You get to sail instead of fly. You don’t have to worry that the pilot of the airplane just found out his wife had an affair and so he’s angry and taking everyone down with him.

Me:  That would only occur to a crazy person.

Doozy Cruisey Specialist:  Let’s get back on track.  (I used to sell Train Trips)  The reason for my call is to see if you’d like to purchase Trip Insurance for only $1,200.  In case you need to cancel your trip to Alaska for any reason, you’d get a complete refund.

Me:  But YOU just did cancel my trip to Alaska!

Doozy Cruisey Specialist:  Why do you wanna go there anyhow?  Whatever floats your boat.  But  I read your blog.  You’re already a cold fish.  Completely frigid in bed.  You and your ex-husband were like two ships passing in the night.  You don’t exactly have a face that could launch a thousand ships, either.

Me:  That’s it!  I’m leaving the worst review on Yelp that you’ve ever had.  Actually, I’m going to blog about you.  Just wait.  I’m gonna take the wind right outa your sails.  Make waves for you at work.  My readers will never book a cruise with your company.

Doozy Cruisey Specialist:  You wouldn’t dare.  Hello?  Ma’am?  Calm down….no blogging……

Me:  Thar’ She Blows!!

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 This was inspired by true events which you can read about HERE.  Do you have a vacation that went wrong before you even left your house??

31 thoughts on “Would You Rock The Boat???”

  1. Lol. i have a strong suspicion that you are the type of mom who sees the subtext humor in situations on a regular basis. You always make what could very well be a nonevent into a funny drama. I loved how not only did you threaten to yelp review, but you said you would blog about it… 🙂 🙂

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  3. I’m enjoying cruising along with you on this one. One blast after another.

    I was familiar with “staycations” and very amused by your ()cations. Such an entertaining variety! But a Freaky Fridaycation? Be careful what you wish for.

    I think the “paper or plastic” question was regarding your life preserver/floatation device.

    Kudos to Ron for his version of the Denial Scale.

    I’d love to know how you would have packed for each hypothetical scenario (and without the wrench since it obviously wasn’t thrown in, if you could pack your emergency kit), and how you would resolve each without your emergency kit (and without the wrench because they threw it in and you couldn’t take it).

    Great cruise themes.

    I have seen clever stowaway bed arrangements, but your desk drawer bunk beds are the best!

    Your contentious scripts are easy to hear and visualize even though the speakers are not content with each other.

    You asked about a vacation that went wrong before we left the house? Our travel agent went on vacation during the same time we did, so couldn’t be reached (no cell phones or answering machines back in those days) when the car rental place didn’t have our reservation or any cars at all to rent, and, as recent college graduates, we didn’t have a major charge card to rent a car elsewhere. Later in our trip, the hotel didn’t have our reservation or any rooms available, but they put us in a super deluxe suite that was permanently reserved for a certain guest, with the understanding that we would leave immediately if he showed up. True story. Every detail. No use of my artistic license this time, though it was tempting.

    Another time, we went on a cruise when our travel agent was on vacation. Dinner time. They didn’t have our reservation. They wouldn’t let us eat until we got off at each port. License used: artistic.

    I was just going to put my feet up and enjoy the ride this time, but you know what you do to my sense of humor, Stephanie. Thanks for the laughs.

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  4. Vacation? What’s that? I barely remember this “staycation” you speak of.

    but let’s say the tissues you use for your summer hay fever have sturdier fabric than the new bikini she’s begging to parade around in 24/7

    Hmm. Are you sure a creepy, predatory look from one or more of the guys wouldn’t cure that? Either that or a father-like figure she trusts who can bluntly tell her, “I don’t want to even entertain the notion of having a ‘hey baybee’ thought in my head looking at you in that… doesn’t the idea creep you out?” I can’t tell for sure how bow-chika-wow-wow aggressive girls are these days, but it seems to be more outrageous compared to when I was that age.

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  5. Ahh, the dreaded suitcase restraint conundrum. I’m a chronic over-packer, like you, and the only technique I’ve found to soften the blow and lighten the suitcase is to wear as much of my clothes as possible during the flight. Sure, wearing five layers of clothes in mid-July tends to attract some odd looks from the TSA and fellow travelers, but it’s totally worth being able to fit three extra pairs of shoes in your luggage.
    This was a wonderful piece, and I’m glad it’s fictitious because I can’t imagine keeping patience and sanity in those circumstances. After so many cruise issues, I honestly don’t see myself going on one for several years, if that. Though, had this been real, what theme would you have chosen for your cruise? 😀

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  6. Gah! I now need to explain to Boo’s school that she’s late to school this morning because I was too busy laughing at your post. You’re too clever and oh so funny, Stephanie.
    Re teen girls in bikinis: let some other family take them in holiday. I can literally breathe now since Indy is going away with her boyfriend’s family. Although I’m still scared that should I lie on a beach Whale Watch will try to lure me back into the sea.

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    • lol! You’re too much with that last line. And I will now send Boo’s teacher a tardy excuse note. It will not be humorous. Something about creative and elaborate party planning….;-) Okay, okay, I’ll take 100% of the blame. But thank you for pinning it on me. Quite flattering.

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  7. Well that was quite clever and funny. I liked the phone call bit and can just picture you shopping with that sixteen year old. That 50 pound rule is very annoying. Again, funny right to the end of the runway or plank depending on your preference.

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    • Wendy, you delightful thing, you! I thought of you when I made my Peter Pan reference…..is that bad?

      Also….your email! I somehow got locked out of the account you wrote to me at and when i went back to respond, I realize that was the only one I had your address in. Can you just send me a short line to
      [email protected]? Then I can properly write you back.

      I really adore your well thought out comments and the playfulness they always add. I sort of feel like we play ping-pong sometimes. Your serves are always such fun to return.

      Can you try me at [email protected]

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      • I’m flattered I popped into your head re: Peter Pan. 🙂 You’re not far off on the ‘Captain and the cheating wife,’ psychological fears of the general flying population! Requested ‘short line,’ on its way. 🙂

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  12. You’re early today.

    And you do realize that Alaska is expensive and cruises are expensive, don’t you? You should have checked out renting a cabin in the Appalachians. You would have had cooler weather, the expectation of modest clothing (read: Bible Belt), and inexpensive prices.

    And if your children misbehave, you can feed them to the bears. Discreetly.

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  14. Sounds like all the troubles will add years to your appearance.
    A “graycation”, if you will.

    Last trips I’ve had cancelled were because of deaths.
    On the other hand, I don’t have to worry about those people getting sick on my next trips!

    Yes, I already knew I was going to hell.

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    • Graycation! I love that. I was thinking this whole entire mess is now an “Oy-Vaycation!”

      Your last line two lines, hysterical. I wonder if there’s a better rate for round-trip to hell.

      Thanks for dropping in!
      Stephanie

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