A good shrink (like a quality preschool) should probably be booked while still pregnant. Ages 12-15 are the target range, but with any luck, you might get them committed earlier. And remember, therapists have heard everything there is to hear about mothers and how they screwed up the lives of their patients/clients. Originality counts!
So, forget buying a gender-neutral dollhouse for your son or saying, “Look at those thunder-thighs” while looking in a mirror in front of your developing daughter. Way overdone! Having your teen hold up a large, self-mocking sign on a crowded intersection is no longer unique and will have the school psychologist snoozing before they can say “Attachment Disorder.”
I have six kids and here are my tips to make sure your child proudly announces to others that he/she comes from a Dysfunctional Family.
11 Easy Ways to Make Your Children Nutty!
1. “It’s A Secret!” – – This only works if you have more than one child. We look for ways to make kids feel special and unique, right? They are Individuals! Therefore, it’s quite depressing for a child to be told you love all the siblings equally. How can they ever shine? Here’s an easy fix. Tell one child in private that he has always been your favorite and you love him more. Warn him that if the others EVER found out, they would be devastated – – so it must always stay your little secret. Repeat with however many kids you have. Bonus: This will be the hot topic of the day at your funeral or some far off family reunion!
2. “Lists Are Fun!” – – Don’t be that mother with the mundane grocery list magnetized on the outside of your fridge. (Click HERE to read what’s inside my refrigerator) Tack up a “What I Could Have Been if only I Didn’t Have You!” list instead. Rich Lawyer and Famous Movie Star are always good ones to feature at the top. But make sure you separately number all the sacrifices you’ve made and hobbies you had to give up. Never got to have a violin recital? No worries! Leaving this list in plain sight will ensure that your kid has sufficient guilt to stick with YOUR favorite childhood dream long enough for you to live vicariously through them. Trust me, being a stage mom is the easiest way to make it to Hollywood.
3. New Side Dishes — Here’s another option besides the potato, rice, or pasta dishes they’re always complaining they’re bored with. They’ll be scratching their heads over this one! But if you have a real problem with this, Lice Clinics of America is the company I swear by!
4. “A Hidden Diary!” – – Not too hidden! Write in your journal that “name of kid” must never EVER find out they are actually the Love Child of Walt Disney. (Don’t worry about the math here) And if they behave themselves perfectly for the next year (don’t date this page) Walt will come for them (don’t worry about exhuming fees) and they will permanently reside in Sleeping Beauty’s castle with no need to ever go to school or do chores again. Be sure and write that Walt has a thing for dirty clothes being put in the hamper. End this journal with an exciting touch of realism. i.e. Let’s say you have a daughter, Savannah. So jot down – – Just think . . . “Savannah Disney.” Wow. Just Wow. (Click HERE to see why you don’t want to set foot in Disneyland, even if it brings back fond memories of your torrid affair with Walt.)
5. “Getting Your Just Desserts” – – A lot can be accomplished with this. First of all, remind your kids that Fruit is actually “Nature’s Dessert.” You will see the number of times they ask to have a friend over for dinner dwindles down to nothing. And a bushel of bright red strawberries is festive and holds candles quite nicely in place of real birthday cake. After a year or two of this, tell them you’ve thought it over and realized you’ve been too restrictive and tonight you’re serving Dessert For Dinner! I don’t provide recipes, sorry. But here’s a picture below. 
After their first confused taste-bud bite say, “You’ll thank me later when you don’t have to go to the dentist so often. And by the way, I would have been a dentist if only I. . . ” Let them finish that sentence.
6. “It’s Only a Phrase.” – – Cultivate saying, “We’ll See” as an answer to everything. (Maybe hold up a pair of Googly-Eyes to emphasize “see” when you say this) This will teach your child to have hope, but also not to be disappointed if something doesn’t happen. The world is not clear cut “Yes” or “No.” It’s a “We’ll See” life. Isn’t it? However if they ask, “Is Walt Disney my Dad?” The answer is a resounding Yes. Another helpful phrase is “Because I said so.” This is a real motivator for them to grow up fast and have kids of their own so they can have a gleeful turn at exclaiming, “Cuz I said so.”
7. “Saved by the Bell!” – – Have an old dinner bell lying around? (nobody eats dinner together anymore, so surely you must) Give the bell to your child and tell her whenever she wants you, just ring it. You can start this ritual on sick days when her throat is sore, but eventually incorporate it into daily life. This will stop the frequent ear-shattering shouting of “Mom!” that echos most households. When you’ve had enough of the bell, simply say, “Who do you think I am? Your servant?!” “Note: This can work effectively with your husband too. Give him the bell at night when he’s in bed and you have insomnia and are wandering aimlessly around the house. You’ll never miss those moments when he’s feeling frisky – – he’ll give an efficient jingle. Tired? Just respond, “What am I? Your sex slave?” It will be clear as a bell that the party is over.
8. “Works of Art!” – – Of course everything your darling makes in grade school is worthy of a huge fuss. So by all means, frame it, hang it, magnetize it on the fridge (just don’t cover up crucial list in # 2!) and show the masterpieces off to friends and neighbors who come to visit. But when they’re in junior high school and your house is completely overrun with “Rembrandt Rubbish,” ceremoniously toss it gracefully away in the garbage, citing that Martha Stewart said that was okay as long as you took digital pictures of everything.
My “Picasso” drew this self-portrait after telling her teacher that her mom writes blogs teaching parents how to make their kids crazy. I gushed over the vivid colors, then promptly threw it away.
9. “The “Eyes” Have It.” – – You thought Googly Eyes were for craft projects, didn’t you? The therapist will never hear of nightmares like these! When you’re playing Beauty Parlor with your daughter, affix a pair of googly eyes under your hair about three inches above your neck. Ask your daughter to make a french braid and when she stops in shock, say, “Oh! You found the eyes in the back of Mommy’s head!” Also, opening the refrigerator just to look and see what’s there will be kept to a minimum if the food stares back at them. (See Below Photo)
The list of Googly-Eyed Gimmicks is endless – – this was just meant to open your eyes to potential.
10. “History Repeats Itself” – – Tell them that when you were younger and misbehaved, your mother (their Grandmother) said, “One day you’ll have a child as naughty as you, so you’ll know how it feels.” Tell them since that obviously came true, it means Grandma is a witch and can put a family curse on them as well.
11. Is It Cold In Here Or Is It Just Me? – – Take a tip from Jewish mothers and make your child wear a sweater whenever you feel chilled. It’s wonderful for menopausal moms; every time a hot flash hits, you can rip your child’s sweater off and fling it on the floor in annoyance. “Just looking at you in that thing makes me perspire!”
That’s it! Just be sure and tattoo a registered trademark symbol on their arm that gives proper credit (where credit is due) so the therapist knows who to thank for putting their kids through college. I am partial to, “Neurotic behavior by Mom,” or “Think I’m nuts? Check out who raised me.”
Once Upon Your Prime 
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I’ve actually heard a good deal of these… or subtle variations of the same! Lol.
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Ha, have you? Are you a therapist? Thanks so much for commenting!
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We, Me began therapy when I was 12, I vowed not to talk, just eat the black licorice in the dish. I stopped going but my mother went for years. She used to tell me Florence was losing it.. But why do you still go? She didn’t want he therapist to feel bad. Oh the fake little things propagated. Oh geez that’s not me at all.
But those plantation girls were something els, blondes.
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Love it! Now you need to write one addressing new family members aka daughter-son-in-laws!
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Kids nowadaze probably would not get the reference but being thretened to be “sold to the Gypsies” was effective in the “old days”. Unfortunately this very effective tool has fallen into disuse because of the political correctness fad not wanting to offend Gypsies and Gypsies flatly refusing to buy any more of our evil children.
Alternate methods have supplemented with many snotty tots being instead threatened to be sent to yoga and scrapbooking classes instead. They just despise that. Heh, heh.
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One of my favorites when the kids were younger- Race them to every “Try this” button in the toy store. Just make sure when you win, do a victory dance near the checkout….
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Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE and commented:
Little Miss Menopause never fails to make my day a face busting smiley one. Don’t fail to check out her wit and wisdom. All the secrets to life – revealed right here! (Thank you Stephanie) 🙂
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Reblogged this on A Conservative Christian Man.
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This. Is. Awesome. I love this article!
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Glad to have found your blog . . . I think. Thanks to Christian Mihai for reblogging.
Actually, it is reassuring to see that other mothers also have a little fun with the dark side of mothering. Only four kids here, but all boys with eight year span. Our house is a culture unto itself.
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Reblogged this on Cristian Mihai.
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First of all, congratulations on the book! I didn’t know it was out there! My kindle has been longing for another book, and now I’ve found it! Lovely trailer by the way! The fireworks are a wonderful reflection of your sparkling personality! Thanks for sharing such interesting tips on driving children crazy. If I fail to do so on my own, I’ll be sure to consult with your list to bring my future kids to full-blown insanity! I love the idea with the googly eyes. Though, I’d probably creep myself out, more than anyone else!
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I LOVE the eyes! I am so doing that in my fridge just for a reaction!
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How to Make Sure Your Kids Get Their Fair Share of Therapy!
No thanks… I had over 25 years myself! Brilliant!
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LOL. So funny. I sometimes see exchange between certain parent-kid combos I know and sometimes can’t help but think “that incident’s probably worth two years in therapy right there!” As usual you’ve found the comedy in the dark. And six kids–wow. Super Mom, much? And I noticed that you casually threw in that link to YOUR BOOK below.. only the link doesn’t work… or at least I can’t figure out how to make it work.
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Hi again — – thanks so much for the return visit! Six kids with a 14 yr age range from youngest to eldest. But there’s twins in that mix, too! Anyhow, I tried the link and it’s a tad slow, but it did work. Does it just not go anywhere specific for you? Hmmmm, kinda like this comment! Thanks Diahann!
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Haha, my dad would say “we’ll see” every year when I asked to go hunting with him. He finally said yes and I got to go, but I refused to let him shoot Bambi… he never took me again, lol. I love the eyes in the fridge idea. That’s just brilliant!
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Now why in the world did you ever want to go hunting? And he never took you again, or you never asked again? Ugh. Sorry, animal lover here.
Eyes in the fridge was rather “cool” wasn’t it? Next thing a set of pupils will be turning up in the freezer and we’ll all be eating “eyes-cream”. Ew! Okay, getting a bit punchy here, but remember that you brought up Bambi first!
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I did I did! haha. You know I think I was just at the age where I wanted to do everything and had that distorted view of reality (I blame Disney) haha yes I never asked to go again which suited my dad just fine =P I suppose my “idea” of hunting then was that you didn’t actually kill anything. Thank the lord I didn’t have to see that!
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Brilliant list! Wish I had had it to refer to much earlier. I’m sure it can be modified for grandchildren when the time comes.
However, I have another one to add. We told our youngest son that he was an alien. The evidence was his belly-button. We all had innies. His was an outie. He’s in his mid-20s now. I think he still has doubts. Mwahahahahaha!!!
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Now that is utterly priceless! Did you ever tell him which planet he came from? Thanks so much for the comment!
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Goodness no! Left to his own imagination is MUCH better 😀
I’m grateful that both my sons grew up to have a wicked sense of humour!!
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I have to say that I tensed up a bit at the opening graphic “you’ll eat it and you’ll like it”. You know me and peas… [shudder] I should probably get therapy or something. Then again, I think I’ll just stick to reading and writing hear on WP. Way more fun, and free, too!
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I actually did think of you and your aversion when I picked that photo, Maggie. I must also say it’s really funny how any new blog I find, when I scroll to the comments, there’s one from you. You get around, girlfriend!!! Really, we should just make you a rubber stamp that says, “Maggie Wilson” was here!
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Yeah… computer games… WordPress…. computer games…. WordPress… I’ve traded on addiction for another!
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My fave to say was always “maybe” until one of them caught on and said, “yeah right. Maybe means no.” Great post Steph! Takes me back in time, except now I can laugh OL.
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My mom (like all moms) used to tell me, “Don’t frown – – your face will freeze like that.” And I would say, “We’ll see.” What goes around…..! ! ! Thanks, Donna.
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Apparently, my mom wasn’t so bad after all.
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And how do you measure up??
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You might regret that you asked. I can add to your list:
Ignore them when they are shrieking, “for their own good”, even though it is breaking your heart and you long to comfort them. When they get old enough to understand your words, tell them, “be quiet, or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Leave them in the car while you go shopping. It’s good to get out every now and then. You’ll be back soon enough.
Start them on solid foods according to a conventional schedule, even if they vomit, explode with diarrhea, curl up their little bodies like fists, and howl their heads off after every meal. Give them appetite pills if needed, to make them eat. When they are old enough to understand your words, tell them that they are allergic to everything that is considered a treat, and when they are sick, blame it on their sneaking a treat.
Criticize all of their opinions, and all of the gifts that they give you. After all, you have to prepare them for a tough world.
Catch them stealing, and make them sit in one spot for an unspecified amount of time (hours, months, whatever it takes) until you feel like they learned their lesson.
Polish every nook and cranny of your house while they’re sleeping. When they wake, you will be more able to follow the above suggestions.
Throw out ratty old toys while they are playing outside, in the name of cleanliness, and then deny it, saying “you must have lost it”.
Throw out their projects as soon as they bore you with explanations of what they did.
Don’t use any childproofing. They have to learn to be safe, respond to “no”, and respect you.
Isolate your family to make sure your kids share your values.
When you read them bedtime stories, dramatize the parts about the scary woods, storms in open fields, creepy neighbors, and crime in cities.
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Oh my, this one is great. I particularly like the “I said so”. But the “secret” is brilliant. Not sure if it’s saved or enslaved by the bell. Hmmmm. Tooo funny with the googly eyes in the refrigerator. We also got the “I HEARD THAT!” from the other side of the house and wondered “How on earth did she hear that!!!” Definitely a winner of a article.
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Enslaved by the bell–witty!! I can hear things on the other side of the house, too. Perhaps I should let them come across a pair of my ears laying on the staircase whilst I’m in the kitchen. Thanks for commenting.
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You are quite talented. I want to know how you did that with the book trailer for your novel..????
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Hi Wendy–how I did what? It’s really just an ordinary slide show. But thank you so much for the compliment and taking the time to watch it.
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No problem, and I have no idea how to do ‘an ordinary slide show’. Anyway, you’re most welcome.
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I am gasping for air with how hilarious this is. For some reason the evil grandmother struck me as the funniest thing ever!! I am so glad you handed me a card with your blog on it. I am hooked!
Chris
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Thanks for keeping that card!
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This may be my favorite post of yours so far. The eyes in the back of the head…lol! Hilarious. You are a star my friend 😉
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This made my day! I love it when someone singles out a fave post, it kinda gives me confidence where to focus next. Thank you.
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You are very welcome!Thank you;)
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In case I didn’t already love lists enough #2 is genius! I’m going to need a bigger fridge to pin it to though.
I’m also going to get busy with the googly eyes tomorrow too. Eve and Indy might be too old to fall for the ensuing behaviour, but worry not – when they were little I managed to convince them that Santa had my car bugged to ensure they behaved on car journeys. I also once made Eve question her identity whilst waiting for a ride at a theme park. Sooo many bonus ways to mess with the head when identical twins are involved. ‘You’re my favourite’ works especially well with twins too.
Fantastic blogging as ever, Stephanie.
The kids do have to pay for their own therapy later, don’t they? Otherwise I’m tattooing the blame onto their father.
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Brilliant closing comment sentence! Wish I had ended my blog with that line! You’re so awesome…. As another mom of twins, I betcha we amused ourselves in similar fashion!!
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OMG, I don’t know where to start, I want to say so much about this fantastic post. It is brilliant, fantasmindboglingable Just made it for this 🙂
So true, so apt. Oh, I don’t know just take my made up word for it all.
I used to let one child at a time have a day off school so we could have one on one time and that is when I would tell them they were favourite. I got sprung when they were teenagers having an argument and one said ‘well, I am Mum’s favourite and always have been’. Oops, after much ‘oh yeah’s’ they actually laughed together at my secret. Thank you for this amazing post.
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Oh Rose, I love that word! Be sure and copyright it! I am laughing because of all the people who could have commented that they played “the favorite child” game, I would have predicted it was you!! Don’t do it with grandchildren now. ;-). Thanks so much for commenting.
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I think that sundae is a neat idea. I’d order it in a restaurant.
And as for Walt Disney, he died in 1966. You must have been one of those early-ovulating types if you want to get away with such a charade. Either that or you’re really 65 and you’ve been lying about your age this entire time.
Oh, and I don’t usually like to post links in other people’s blogs but I can’t resist offering this one:
http://bumblepuppies.wordpress.com/2013/06/20/classroom-pets-insult-my-intelligence/
It seemed relevant…
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That’s a very amusing poem. Everyone take a look. And yeah, don’t I look incredible for 65?
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You look incredible for 50… 🙂
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