Seriously? What was I thinking? Registering for a huge Blogging Conference like BlogHer 2014? I can’t converse with anyone verbally. That’s why I became a writer in the first place. And I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I don’t talk, I don’t drink and I don’t dance. All I do is sit in front of a keyboard and type.
And the only reason I’m capable of that is because I’m protected by the online anonymity. But that will be stripped away, too. I’ll have to wear one of those “Hello! I’m Little Miss Menopause!” name tags. And then people will approach me. And say, “Really? You’re not so little.” Or, “How can you be a Miss if you’re divorced? Wouldn’t that make you a Ms?” Or, “So are you having a hot flash right this minute or are you just nervous to meet me?”
And then I am going to have a roommate. What if she is a serious and substantial T-Bone Steak type blogger and thinks all us humor bloggers are just a jar of Marshmallow Fluff? And if she’s one of those types who partakes in a specific, odd nightly routine. Let’s say she takes a bubble bath, popping all but 11 bubbles, says prayers backwards, does 100 crunches to disguise the fact that she’s carried twins, sticks her head in the hotel mini-bar fridge for an hour, slathers on some awful smelling night creme and then
humors fluffs her pillow exactly 7 times on each side? Oh wait, that’s my nightly routine.
And then I’ll go to the fancy hotel ballroom for my meals. And people are going to sit at tables without any laptops to keep their hands busy. What will we all do with our fingers besides tapping on the tablecloth like it’s an imaginary keyboard? Maybe the centerpieces will be glitzy computer screens with the words, “Once Upon a Time….” typed in Helvetica font.
Of course the elegant board with our various dining choices will fall from the table and crash on to my lap, because that’s what “Drop-Down Menus” do. And no doubt, I’ll be very confused as to what to order at this BlogFeast. If I wanted my soggy, bloggy cereal, I shoulda just stayed at home. There’s a whole lot more creative food choices to nourish a Blogger than just Alphabet Soup, you know. Let’s have a look . . .
BLOG CONFERENCE MEAL OPTIONS
Whether You’re Famous, Famished or Already Full (of yourself!)
It will be Love At First
Posted Eggs, Edited Over Easy. Served with Permalink sausage with choice of (depending how your writing is going) Belgium Awfuls or Fancakes, drizzled with Blog Cabin Syrup.
Quotation Quinoa Quiche with Jumbled, Crumbled, Stumbled-Upon Mumbo Jumbo.
Jotted, Blotted Frittata served with a Scone Poem
Bold, Seasoned Condiment Comments by Request
All entrees (entries) accompanied with a Flaky BlogRoll & Butter and your choice of Mixed Metaphor Mesclun salad, Cliched Clam Chowder or Stat Pea Soup.
“All You Can View” Stew served in a Writer’s Block Crock pot.
Dangling Participle Pasta – – Garnished w/ Grated Gravitar Graphics
Steamy, Creamy, Dreamy Porkography – – Archived Anchovies
Widget Wasabi Won-Tons & Parsnip Snippets, Turnip Tags
Bloghetti & Tweetballs served over Doughy Poetry
Allegory Albacorey Tuna on Spellcheck Spelt
Sauteed Jumbo Shrimp Daily Prawmpts with Freshly Pressed Garlic and Cleverly Clarified Butter
Tempura Templates w/ chopped, cropped Images of Inspiration
So You Think You’ve Posted the Holy Grail Lobster Tail? And Corny Kale
Hacked Halibut w/ Plagiarized Potatoes & Tender AsPUNagus Tips
FRENCH CUISINE: – – Blog Hop Frog Legs & Escargot Escape Buttons
STARVING WRITER’S SPECIAL: Blank Screens Frank & Beans w/ Wordless Watermelon
AFTER YOUR MEAL
Keyword Keylime Pie
Ping-Back Pumpkin Pie
Published Plum Pudding
Italian Italicized Ice
I better stop here because I’m afraid one of my clever readers is going to make me eat my own words!
Disclaimer: If someone asks me what the hell I’m doing there, I will actually be able to justify my presence. It seems that I was selected for 1 of 25 “Voices of the Year” in the Humor category. Now that’s a real laugh.
But if you don’t have indigestion by now and would like to read the post that got me that honor. Click Here.