So . . . The Dog Ate Your Email?


"I'm lost and I have important info!"

“I’m lost and I have important info!”

The glint of something oblong and shiny in the bushes caught my eye as I strolled with my dog through a nearby park.  When I bent to check it out, I was surprised to find an egg.  This wasn’t the Homeowners in my neighborhood’s idea of offering a hearty free breakfast for the residents – – No, this was a plastic remnant from an Easter Egg Hunt.  I shook the contents of the pearly pink shell and it rattled.  Hopefully those are Skittles and not M&M’s, I thought, or the insides will be a chocolate mess (we’ve had 100 degree weather since April) but when I pried it open, instead of the jelly beans, my focus became the note.

Ava:  I hope you enjoy this one last sweet treat from a Nana who loves you!

My writer’s mind went to work.   Was Ava getting too old for egg hunts?  Did she develop a serious case of diabetes?  Was Nana terminally ill?  Was this the one and only egg that contained those loving, parting words from a grandmother to her grandchild and I was the wrong person holding it?

Recently I have been both the sender and receiver of many text messages and emails that were never received.  This is a real problem with technology because you don’t realize your words are not being transmitted and you end up feeling ignored or unacknowledged.

Worse, crucial information that would have impacted an important outcome has gone missing and nobody knows it.

Once I drove two hours to pick up a child who cheerfully announced, “Thanks Mom, but I texted you earlier to let you know I already had a ride home.”

I have lost blogging jobs because I never received an email telling me I needed to submit a sample of my writing before a specific deadline.

I have sent an apology and told someone I loved them dearly only to have them proceed as if we were parting ways.  (Granted that would have been better verbalized in person, but you know us gun shy writers.)

Let’s look at how outcomes in history would be altered if certain communications had come across as they were intended.

 

DIDN’T YOU GET THE MEMO???

 

Dear Prince Charming – – I heard you found a high heel slipper at your ball.  That would be mine!  I’m going through some glandular stuff right now, so I might look a little “different” when next we rendezvous.  But rest assured . . .  that’s MY size 6 Jimmy Choo and there’s no need to send some Duke Dude with a foot fetish throughout your land, searching high and low.   See ya at our wedding!

Drizella

ps.  Beware of sooty-faced Gold-Digger girls with petite feet nicknamed Cindy.

 

Garfunkel,

I’m skipping the Scarborough Fair today.  But I’ve been thinking – – Crooning about “The Sound of Silence” makes no sense. Let’s do the piece in sign language.  Also, “Like a Bridge Over Troubled Water”   –  meh, I dunno – – really?   How about “Like a Bathmat Over Soggy Carpet, I will Lay Me Down?”  And finally, that Mrs Robinson chick is one Hot Mama!  I say we draw guitar picks to see who’s gonna be “Feelin’ Groovy” with her tonight!

Simon

 

photo-374My Darling Barbie – – As much as I love your va-va voom measurements, maybe we should give all the females in this country a break. You should probably start eating.  Outback Steakhouse at 7 pm?

Ken

 

Sonny,

Pick up a Barbie for Chastity on your way home from skiing today.  I’m thinking our daughter should be playing with dolls a little more.

Cher

 

Siskel~

We better give “Terms Of Endearment” two thumbs up.  I’ve heard that Karma can be a real bitch.

Ebert

 

Okay Peter,

Will you just grow up already?  And stop with the Flying Fad.  United Airlines offers round-trips for less than the cost of a Pirate’s Booty.  Besides, we could partner up and have a great career in Peanut Butter.  I promise to split the profits fairy fairly.

Tinkerbell

 

Shalom Dr. Seuss:

It has come to our attention you are planning on publishing a book that might mislead quite a number of children down the wrong path with its title and subject matter.  We respectfully ask you to consider “Green Eggs and Brisket” instead.

National Council of Jewish Mothers

 

Hey Abbott~

I am so over talking about baseball ad nauseam.  Let’s go bowling tonight instead.  How does that strike you?

Finally, "Hu" IS on first!

Finally, “Hu” really IS on first!

Costello

 

To Dorothy (and your little dog ToTo too!)

I don’t mean you any harm.  I’m really a Goth clothing designer and the Ruby shoes are just what I need for this new black gown I’m manufacturing.  The message in the sky was not supposed to say “Surrender Dorothy!” it was supposed to read, “Suspender Dorothy!”   My little fashion tip to you (with all that blue gingham you’ve got going on!)  Sheesh, where is the Giant Etch-a Sketch when you need to fix a Cloud Typo?  See you on Broadway in Wicked!

What a world!

Elphaba

 

Siegfried,

Just watched a Wizard of Oz rerun – – “Lions and TIGERS and bears….Oh My God!”

Roy

 

Adam & Eve,

Forgot to mention that Apples are now on the Dirty Dozen List of produce and should only be eaten if they are certified USDA Organic or with the skin peeled.  To be safe, I’d pass on all of ’em.   And talking Serpents?  In what whose Universe??

Your One & Only,

God

 

Our Beloved Snow White,

We have a feeling you need to study your bible more, particularly looking into the Adam and Eve skit referenced above.  An Apple is always a metaphor for something bad.  We’re working late in the mine tonight and don’t plan on building any glass coffins to stand watch over a maiden, no matter how pale her skin – – So don’t wait up for us.  Sleep well.

The Seven Dwarfs

 

This Easter Egg didn't have my name on it...

This Easter Egg didn’t have my name on it…

Oh, and it was with great sentimentality that I posted a “Lost & Found” notice on our neighborhood bulletin board to see if I could return the wayward Easter Egg to the poor little ill-fated Ava or her affectionate (but not long for this world) Nana.  I left my cell number so they could message me.

This morning an acne-faced teenage girl showed up on my doorstep making sure I knew I could eat all those Jelly Beans myself.   It was too late for her.  She has a full set of braces now.

I never got that text.

How has a lost email/text or missed voicemail messed up your life?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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45 thoughts on “So . . . The Dog Ate Your Email?

  1. Hi, Steph. I hope you’re ok.
    Because you and your blog are awesome I have invited you to take part in the Writing Process Blog Tour. I know you don’t normally do these chain things, but it was too much of an opportunity to pass up to get a chance to find out how the bejeezers you come up with the wit and wonder that you do. If it’s something you would like to take part in the posting date would (ideally) be Monday 16th June. Check out my post for details: http://gluestickmum.wordpress.com/2014/06/09/whirring-cogs-and-scribbled-notes/

    Like

  2. Stephanie, so nice of you to try and locate the missing egg’s owner. It’s a shame because that note could’ve had deep sentimental value. Then again, maybe it showed up just for you! Thank you so much for clarifying those mixed communications. I think my favorite was Roy’s letter to Siegfried! It gave me a great laugh.
    The strangest thing…I was walking through the woods the other day and found a wrinkled piece of parchment hidden in a tree trunk, it read:
    Dearest Kurt (owner of Kurt’s Kuts and Nails),
    The talk of the trees is that you make house calls for clients who can’t make it to your salon. I’ve been really weighed down lately, and I was wondering if you could give me a hair cut. Summer is coming, and I could really stand to lose a few feet. Do you think I could pull off a bob? I’m available day or night, just come to the stone tower in the woods and call for me.
    -Rapunzel

    I love you and your writing, Stephanie! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Nothing but the teenager / young adult who somehow expects me to answer all of his texts / emails, but can’t manage to answer mine.
    Thanks for the chuckles!!!

    Like

  4. Very funny. Some how my husband never gets that text, to tell him to go to the super market and pick up some items. All other texts seem to work OK, but mention of him going by a supermarket, and the text somehow refuses to be sent!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Those texts sure do have a (shopping aversion) mind of their own, don’t they?? I’m sure a text about a little something/something later that night would NEVER get lost, would it? Thanks so much for visiting!!
      stephanie

      Like

  5. Too Funny. . . Once you get over the replay of, Dang, that just happened to ME. . . Great blog. . . This is something so many can relate to . . . You’re definitely on to something with the “Green Eggs and Brisket” Oy that was tasty . . . If you only knew some of the texts I’ve missed, well I guess you do!!! Such as a time I texted a sweet hear soul “I coming from the other side.” I think she thought I had somehow crossed over into another dimension. . .. Hmmm, I guess it could happen. . . .Thanks for making my day with some wonderful humor.

    Like

  6. I LOVED THIS! Too good! I will have to say that pretty recently I missed a text from my husband that he couldn’t pick Liam up from daycare, and I went on home and was relaxing. He walked in, and we both, at the same time, asked, “Where’s Liam?!” We barely made it to daycare on time before the ‘late hour,’ when they would have taken him to the police station as an ‘abandoned child.’ I felt pretty awful. And he will never let me live that down. NEVER.

    Like

  7. Elsa
    Sorry, I forgot to mention that hiding your power will only make things worse. Have a happy heart and everything will be fine. It’s absolutely fine to rebel against your dad.
    Apologies. I hope you don’t freeze me out.
    Head Troll

    Fab fab fab post, Steph. AND you proved what a good egg you are, going to all that trouble with the Lost & Found board.

    Like

    • laughing – – maybe an email alert was sent but you never received it? Seriously, thanks for even noticing my gap. I’ve been dealing with a ton, and my little two year old Shih Tzu, Lola nearly died. I’ve been worried sick for the doctors to find out why she suddenly collapsed, lost consciousness and her heartbeat stopped. Thank you for sticking around.
      Stephanie
      ps. I just love the tone of voice I imagine you saying, “Little Miss Menopause” with!

      Like

  8. This happens fairly often. I work online and emails get lost or sent to the wrong person. Most of the time it’s fine and fixable, but there’s been a couple times where I think they sent it to me because I was the last one they emailed, it’s like an automated error thing and they didn’t realize… very awkward moments getting another person’s intimate email, lol. Slos I nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. Peace out trout 😉
    Michelle

    Like

  9. My writer’s brain went to work and knew that Nana left this egg several weeks ago with Ava’s mother for when Nana was gone. What a tear-jerker! Then my spoilsport brain kicked in and suggested that this was the last egg of a scavenger hunt. I imagined a number of other scenarios, but never one with braces. Good one!

    I’m especially glad that Garfunkel didn’t get the memo about the soggy bathmat.

    My life was so messed up before voice/text/email messages existed, that
    Spring doesn’t last long enough for Spring Cleaning to reach all the corners.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. My issue has been w/ texts that have resulted in arguments because the tone of a message didn’t come through. The sender may mean one thing but the sender can projects so many things on the too many/not enough words sent.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Your mind is astonishing…where does your thought processing come from? Do your kids find your humorous? (I’m guessing not.) And how well did you do in school? (I don’t think they enjoy humor quite so much, heh…)

    Like

    • Kids find me embarrassing. I was the most unfunny person in school so I did just fine. Except in math. I was accidentally funny in math when I kept insisting that Word problems should have a hook beginning, satisfying middles and twist endings. The square root of 1,964 is 44.3? Wow, didn’t see that coming! Thank you Wendy.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I’ve decided writing and math don’t go, unless you are writing about math! And kids, it’s their job to find us embarrassing. I predict they’ll appreciate your humor when they get older. A+!

        Liked by 1 person

  12. You had me at “the glint of something oblong in the bushes caught my eye as I strolled through the park” – best opening line to any tale.
    Also: Abbott & Costello!

    Finally.

    Mufasa:
    ITS A TRAP DON’T TRUST SCAR! HE’S PLOTTING TO USE SIMBA AS BAIT TO KILL YOU AND TAKE OVER THE PRIDE LA– OH MY GOSH HE’S COMING TOWARDS ME I’LL GO BACK FOR HELP —

    -Zazu

    Liked by 1 person

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