I can’t help it. I go through my day, minding my own business, just trying to accomplish my life goals when these little “nonsense asides” start chatting me up. Like really – – the voices in my head won’t stop prattling on. So I finally made a list of ’em just to purge myself from this bizarre minutia internal clutter! (Disclaimer: It’s also a way to blog about unrelated subjects!)
The Top Ten Unimportant But Incessant Thoughts From Little Miss Menopause
1. ABOUT FOOD: I am a careful eater and I read labels. Why is there often a phrase listed under ingredients that states authoritatively, “May contain…” and then goes on to list things like “paprika, lard, egg whites, yeast extracts, etc.” What goes on here? May Contain?? Nobody is sure?? Does a factory worker shout to the Head Cook, “Hey! Look at that giant black spider on the wall!” And then (when his attention is diverted) stealthily pour a vial of sesame seeds and cilantro in the big vat the cook has been toiling over? Or quickly cracks a few eggs into the mixture? C’mon, how do they get away with this nebulous jargon? There’s no “May” – – you either are a virgin or you’re not. Lecithin is either in my beef jerky or it’s not. One piece of good news – – I’ve yet to see, “May contain giant black spiders” written on any ingredient list.
2. ABOUT NON-FOOD: This thought is related to #1 because I often observe this in drugstore type products like medicines and lotions. I like to buy sunscreens that only feature two things: Zinc Oxide and Titanium Dioxide. Period. (And yes, I know this causes your complexion to have a ghostly white pallor but I just smile sweetly and explain to people that I’m a Kabuki Dancer and they stop staring.) Now that’s all well and good when I buy the Neutrogena brand and it lists only those two minerals under “Active Ingredients.” But then suddenly it contains the following things: Alcohol, Cyclomethecone, Ethylcellulose, Retinyl Palmitate, Tocopheryl Acetate, Sodium PCA, Ascorbic Acid, Panthenol, Aloe Leaf Juice, BHT, Benzophenone 3 under the heading of “Inactive Ingredients.” What’s the deal? Inactive? If they’re not doing anything or performing in some way, get them the heck off my skin! I don’t want some passive, loitering bystander named “Ascorbic Acid” just sitting around viewing everything. My breasts are not a spectator sport.
3. ABOUT SHIPS: How come seeing a model ship inside of a glass wine bottle brings about mystery/intrigue but seeing a model 
holding a wine bottle inside of a ship is no big deal. I really do think of these things.
4. ABOUT SHOPPING: When I go into a fitting room in a department store, there is often a sign proclaiming, “Dressing Room under surveillance.” (Oh! So my breasts ARE a spectator sport?) How is this even legal? I seriously hope this is just a bluff to scare would-be shoplifters and that there aren’t three men sitting on stools behind two-way mirrors, snickering while holding up signs that say “2.5” and “1.6” after I’ve tried on two different bikinis, completely oblivious that I’m competing in the Swimsuit Olympics.
5. ABOUT KEYS: After the above saga in the department store, I often march out in a huff. Only to realize I’ve left my car keys inside. The Three Judgey Men are probably now hooting and hollering, “Wait! She has a muffin top AND she’s hair-brained too?!!” But get this – – when I go up to Customer Service, she opens a drawer overflowing with people’s car keys and asks me to identify mine. What the ? How did the owners of all these car keys ever drive home? I spy some major status symbol keychains in that drawer. Why isn’t Nordstrom’s parking lot littered with abandoned Mercedes and BMWs?
6. ABOUT TRAVEL: I fly on airplanes with a lot of kids. Flight attendants urge me to put my own oxygen mask on first before I assist my children. By the time I do this and oh let’s say helped my next three munchkins seated the closest, the last three patient cherubs will have turned blue. Well, at least they will never know I liked their siblings better.
6. ABOUT DIVORCE: I’ve been divorced twice. Both times the legal procedure dragged on a long period before it was finalized. Over the course of that time, I sometimes needed to introduce these men (that I was separated from) at various events. But there’s no name or term for this status. You can’t say, “This is my spouse or my ex-husband” because they aren’t either of those things. We need some new word in our vocabulary for that in-between stage – – I propose it be an acronym since those are so popular now. How about, “I’d like you to meet my SOB” (Soon Over Board? Someday Outa Bounds?) Wait, I know! MILF is catchy these days. MILF = Man I’d Like to Flee!
7. ABOUT THE INTERNET: “Poking” someone on Facebook is just an adult version of “Gotcha Last!” Also a “Mail Daemon” sounds like a supernatural, evil deity and I get spooked when one of these shows up in my inbox. Speaking of email – – why do so many people nowadays end theirs with “Cheers!” I understand if they’re British, but it’s definitely infiltrated into American protocol. Saying “Cheers” is something we do before clinking our champagne glasses. Therefore, I am going to sign off all my emails from now on with “Bon Appetit.” Let people wonder. And salivate.
8. ABOUT WASTE: I take a lot of walks – – many times on “Garbage Day.” It’s not that I plan it that way, but it happens. And I drink a bottle of water. When I’m finished, I toss the empty plastic bottle in a neighbor’s trash-can that’s sitting by their curb. It never fails that I get the dirtiest looks. Did my personal litter just taint their private, precious rubbish? Ohhh, I get it. I’m not recycling.
9. ABOUT TOILETS: How come when I’ve been alone in my own home for a long period of time, I walk into the bathroom and notice that the toilet seat has been left up. There hasn’t been anyone here other than me for days! What’s the deal? Did I scrub it thoroughly earlier, but I just don’t remember? Nah – – far more likely that I have a male ghost who can’t hold it.
(Sorry, I lied. Nine unimportant thoughts, but now a tenth Fairly Significant One.)
10. ABOUT LAST CHANCES: Why don’t we ever know or get some kind of advanced warning that something we routinely do will never again be done? I never thought when I finished the last package of my favorite brand of beef jerky (yes, with the “May Contain” ingredients!) that the manufacturer would discontinue that product the very next day. I would have savored it more. I never realized that the last experience nursing my sixth child would be the final time and he would suddenly wean himself and graduate to solid foods. I would have held a special little ceremony. And I never dreamed that the thousandth time I said, “Goodbye Dad,* drive safely,” to my father would be the end of my ever uttering those words to him again. Never take anything or anyone you care about for granted. Always say “I love you.”
*Written in honor of my beloved Dad who passed away nine years ago on July 11th. He was my biggest humor writing fan.
So confess — what is your oddest, most random thought??
Once Upon Your Prime 
Reblogged this on amandadancer15 and commented:
Brilliant humor!!
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Pingback: How Come… | evozeta
Funny you say that about cheers being in an email. It was in my bosses permanent signature, and it stayed there for my layoff notice… but cheers!!! Cheers to unemployment!
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Another funny post. The only random thought I have at the moment occured while I read your article.
I thought I would like to have a model ship that you could look into its’ port holes and see a bottle inside.
🙂
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Ha – – Love turning symbolism and metaphors inside out.
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Ok it’s official you are my super hero!! The fact that you can identify then document your random thoughts is a skill I envy. Every time I think uh oh I need to write that down…well I’ve forgotten. Add to it the fact that they come so quickly back to back like machine gunfire…well I begin to feel like a lost cause.
This was very entertaining and I especially liked the end “Last Chances” and your loving dedication to your father, so moving.
Bon Appetit
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Oh my – – if anyone were to come upon my scribbled notes with my random thoughts, they would report me to someone. Thanking you again for liking the end (#10) because obviously that was the most meaningful to me. With sweet followers like you, I’m slowly taking more risks to let the real me out. Appreciate that beyond measure!
Steph
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Caution: this comment may contain adverbs, adjectives, pronouns, or other vernacular elements… 😀
L O V E this post.
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Thank you Kind Sir – – it’s always fun to write posts that are free association. Appreciate you.
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Random thought – bathroom visited by your dad – he’s making sure you don’t flush anything important there (like car keys or your last husband, meantime, he, of course, needs to take a leak :)!)
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Last husband….lol! Hey, where ya been?? Hope all is well.
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I’m quite sure I have random thoughts … just can’t remember any right now (I’ll get back to you).
#1-9 made me chuckle; #10 made me ponder. Thank you!!
Oh!
Random daily thought: why is it that my patients can come in covered in tats and piercings, but cry over a blood test?
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mmmm dad may have been you’re biggest fans, but I bet he has lots of competition.
Great post…
Bon Appetit
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I don’t have to wonder. I know what bon appetit means. Great post.
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Stephanie, I totally understand why you cracked up your dad so much. I definitely would say you are not the only one to have such thoughts–except you just think them funnier 🙂 – and I mean that in the best way.
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Reblogged this on Maami in Melbourne and commented:
While the entire post is hilarious the last part is very poignant! I wanted a 2nd chance to say goodbye to my dad too, never had the chance. This one is dedicated to him!
Love you Appa!
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I loved this blog! I also question many of my random thoughts which usually keep me quite self amused. Your Dad was, indeed, your biggest fan, but I try to carry on the family tradition. We miss him so much too. On the 11th we wished he was resting in peace, or better yet, telling a great joke at a party!
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Thank you – – It’s comforting to think of him still being the life of the party, although a bit contradictory in terms.
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I love your shape-shifting model ship. I’m loving your post-marriage/pre-divorce acronyms.
I confess to sharing your amusement about the sanctity of open trash cans on Trash Day. Why do I insist on carrying my dirty tissue home, instead of letting it mingle with a stranger’s trash?
One of my oddest thoughts has been with me for as long as I can remember: I flip things around. The earliest permutation occurs when I’m going out of a building, and someone is coming in, and I wonder, why couldn’t I do what they will do, and why can’t they do what I’m going to do, so we could just stay where we were? Or, when I lock my keys in my car, I try to figure out how I can get in to get the keys so I can unlock the door to get the keys. Kind of like an M C Escher drawing.
May your father rest in peace. Of course he doesn’t rest because he is too busy continuing to laugh at your antics 🙂 And is Lola the one keeping him busy now?
Sending much love your way
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Much love received! Thank you. I really like the vicious cycle of the key scenario! I cannot tell you how often I’ve locked myself out of my car. And with babies inside too, yet! Then the Auto Club always has to come rescue me with a look like, “Yeah you called us for help and now we’re calling Child Protective Services!” Thanks Grace – – you’re always the highlight of my post!
hugs,
Steph
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Oh my. July 11 is a significant date for me too, though not nearly as sad. It was my mom’s birthday.
Loved the spectator sport lines!
I’m like Tempest Rose. I’ve got random thoughts… but they vanish too quickly.
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we all have these dates – – it’s so ironic that they have zero concept of time now but we’re still keenly aware of all special dates. Thanks Maggie – – I wrote the Kabuki dancer (sunscreen) line to see if you fancied it but I’ll take the spectator sport ones!
much affection,
Stephanie
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Fish is yummy and healthy too
With no inactive ingredients
You can feed it to Mistake #1
You can feed it to Mistake #2
Mistake #1 will like this name more than MILF or SOB
Because he can name you the same thing
So just like the old days
you’ll share a matching identification label
😉
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I see an adult Dr. Seuss surfacing from this comment with Mistake #1 & 2 replacing Thing 1 and Thing 2. Care to collaborate?
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That could be fun…
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I’m a triple martini in while reading your post and I’m not sure I have an coherent thought anymore – short of, isn’t that the truth?! … I don’t remember writing this post 🙂
Differences? – I’ve never been divorced, although after 31 years, I still consider myself day-to-day
… and if the food item is chocolate-based, I don’t worry myself about anything else. That might explain my daily heart attack when I weigh myself.
Other than that, please don’t ‘poke’ me. I’m ticklish.
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Your last line…ha! I know, that kind of “poking” reminds me of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Thanks!
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Love the redefinition of MILF. Lots to work with there, too, with the letter M and F. Oh yes. But I’m too polite to say it here.
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Yes, I really considered that M and F diligently! In fact every time someone writes the acronym FOMO. (Fear Of Missing Out) I have a field day with redefining! Thanks for coming, I’m always honored when you do!
Stephanie
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Reblogged this on DrShapero's Blog and commented:
I certainly encourage laughter for life is full of funny things. However, this article also has a deeper message we can all benefit from. Read for yourself and may you pass it forward. Perhaps it could just make the world a little bit better. Have a great day.
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I find myself on quite a journey. A funny light hearted read an them WOW a little slap up side the head to be grateful and not take those special moments for granted. I am not so big on shrinks the image I conjure up is from my childhood reading National Geographic about head hunting tribes and how they actually DO shrink heads. Pinheads??? No Thank you. I prefer to expand my mind not shrink it. Oh, and the food ingredients I with you there although in my profession I know far too much about them so my mind does do a few somersaults. I will spare your readers the gross things they may not know. Sometimes ignorance is better. Okay, maybe one. For instance, the garnish restaurants use often has many bugs which could very likely make there way to other parts of the meal. Food for thought.
I thought the hidden camera part was GREAT. Still laughing over it which brings up yet another childhood story I will spare you.
I am not so sure if you go around using MILF people will see the same humor. But I assure you it would raise some eyes.
You got me laughing with the salutation because naturally it is one of the ones I use. On a personal not it was something I picked up from my father who used it a lot.
You really did a great job of on this article of twisting the end. That was remarkable. You are such a wonderful writer. Immeasurably I Love You.
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I am sure readers really want to know which garnish you mean? Parsley? Lemon? I know – – those curly carrot peels? It’s gonna drive us all nuts – – pray tell, is it ALL restaurant garnishes???
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In an effort to keep people from going nuts the answer is Kale. Although, some of the others have hitchhikers as well such as parsley. Food handling could open up quite a line of content to write about if one had the appetite.
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Love the wordplay here. But from now on, every waitress is going to hear the phrase, “Hold the garnish” from me. Thank you.
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Gave me a really good giggle. Great read, and loved the ending!
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I’m honored you would take the time to read and comment. Thank you!
Stephanie
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My oddest and most frequent thought is “What if someone could hear what I’m thinking?- YIKES!”
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Oh yes, I share in that one. Wasn’t there a movie with just that concept???
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I believe so. 🙂
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The model-bottle item gave me a good laugh (I’m into puns), and the last entry made me a bit sad- as I lost my own father a few months ago. You are a good writer- pushing me to both ends on this early Sunday morning.
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It means a great deal that you read my blog and take the time to comment. Thank you. I do hope you, your mother (and whole family) came to some kind of peace with your dad’s passing…it’s really so difficult to process thru.
hugs,
Stephanie
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Hi Stephanie,
I love reading your blogs. I don’t know how you come up with so many things so often. I guess it’s like writing books. I am writing 4 at the same time and one or two poems in-between.
Was thinking about you on 11 July. I hope you know how much Joe loved and admired you and your writing. He would always brag about you.
I hope you are happy and life is treating you well.
Update me when you have some time.
Big hugs
Helene
xxxx
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Wow!! Did all this writing surface in you recently?? I don’t recall you doing this when you were with my dad? I would have been bugging you to read your stuff back then! We coulda formed a writer’s round table! Anyhow, I miss my dad’s support but he definitely instilled the confidence that I have today and that’s why I am forging ahead to see where it takes me. I thank him daily for this and so much more. Big hugs back,
Steph
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Wonderful post yet again. But……am wondering about that last one. I do understand your thoughts there about wanting to know it’s the “last time” for things, but sometimes I do wonder if that doesn’t actually make it even worse. Do you know what I mean? Right now, my family is in a very emotional time with the sale of our family home and relocating again and it seems we think of everything as “the last time”…..it’s getting quite annoying truth be told and actually really contributes to a depressing frame of mind. I’m steadfastly trying to keep us looking ahead to what’s coming up in future rather than hanging on (sadly, I’m the one most resistant to change so it’s me doing the looking back more than the others!) 🙂 Anyway, just wanted to point out the other side of that coin so to speak. As for the rest of them,…..boy, I really didn’t need new ones in my head especially more about changing rooms! Ugh.
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Yes! I do see what you mean and it IS a double edged sword. I always think about that with my dad passing. If I did have “warning or knowledge” that my time with him would be my last, it would turn morbid, I’m sure. But I do feel there’s a lot to be said for getting closure as well. Leaving a long time family home – – same thing. It’s depressing having that knowledge, but at least you get to bid farewell to each room and take pictures and create lasting memories rather than the home just being unexpectedly yanked away from you. I don’t know. Let’s go back to humor!! Thanks for stopping in.
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Agreed…..back to humour….but am so impressed we can be serious together too!
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We wear many hats, don’t we? 😉
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Great post Stephanie! I love #10! That is a frequent thought of mine especially lately. Another is “Does she know her clothes are completely see through or is that just the new trend?” The video camera thing cracks me up. I’ve actually started to smile and way. Maybe someday I will be discovered that way. My final and most active thought is contemplating if the stupid people are actually once normal people who have been abducted by aliens. How could there be so many of them?
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Ha, Kimberly – – you and I are probably constantly thinking, “Get a mirror” (like some people say, “Get a room!”) And yes, I am quite certain that Smiling and Waving WILL rocket you to stardom, I’m sure of it.
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Lol! I’ll keep trying 😉
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Well thanks for adding those to my ‘random thoughts’…and adding to my changing room phobia. (Mind you, once you’ve breastfed you surely KNOW that your boobs are very much a spectator sport!)
My random thought, once you’ve had your last session with a psychologist, are you ‘shrink wrapped’? And if so, do you have to provide your own?
(I guess no one knows the deal with this as no psychologist has ever said ‘I think we’re done here. You seem to be a rational, sane individual once more.’)
But joking aside, those unknown lasts suck. And even though I’m not going anywhere (unless it turns out I messed my arm up more than I thought last night) Steph, I love* ya.
* Second random thought: why does my phone always type ‘live’ for ‘love’? As a bit of tech does it not understand the concept of feelings (although it doesn’t have the same problem with ‘hate’ – scary!). Or do I just have fat thumbs? (Scary also.)
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Is it a Fitting Room? A Dressing Room or a Changing Room? Sheesh – – you say tomato whilst I say tomato and admire your accent! Shrink Wrap! That’s a great one.
Whilst your cell phone isn’t sensitive or emotional, I’ve decided mine is anti-semitic. It refuses to let me type any common Jewish expression. It turns “Oy Vey” into “Oh Hey!” And “Mazto Ball Soup” into Maze Blast Soap. Huh?
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It’s definitely not a gutting room since nothing ever sodding fits! What I’d really like it to be is a Room of Miracles or Transformation Room, whereby I go in all fat and fuddy and come out glossy and shiny and thin, just by dint of trying on the clothes.
As for your phone, surely there’s a whole post in there: the anti-semitism of mobile technology. Or at least you need to write a stiffly worded letter to whoever made your phone. How can vocabulary possibly deny the existence of Matzo Ball Soup?!?! They don’t know what they’re missing. Oy vey, indeed!
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This is what we’ll do now – – we’ll just keep suggesting topics to one another via our comments. I love it!
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After all the unimportant things you’d claimed you’d put in, the ending touched the heart! Lovely as usual 🙂
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What a lovely thing to say and if it really did that, then writing/reading serves an important purpose for us all. Thank you so much!
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There’s a bridge nearby and when the sun is low in the west, it casts the shadows of the railings on the sidewalk where bikes are meant to ride. The pattern of the shadows looks just like a film strip, with borders and sprocket holes along each side and wide frames in the centre. As I ride my bike along this pattern of frames, my brain insists on thinking that I am both analogue and virtual – analogue as a guy riding his bike on a bridge, and virtual as a manifestation of a film of a guy riding his bike. Yes, we both need a shrink.
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Only you. And only I would completely get this. Plus think it is profound as heck. And funny too.
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Nicely written with a lovely ending that I wasn’t expecting. I also think lots of random thoughts usually while I’m out walking. My mind overflows. I wrote a few posts about them as well but unsure if anyone ever read them. I’m quite a random sort of person at times. Keep thinking, it means our brains are still working away.
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Thank you for the kind words. Maybe you can leave specific links here so I can visit your randomness. I am sure I would thrive!!
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Yes, always say “I love you” you may never get another chance to do so.
I was actually going to make a blog post about this random thought, but I think posting it here seems more appropriate 😉
Okay! So the oddest thought that randomly popped into my head was marriage related. What happens when you are dating and unexpectedly your sister or your brother marries your significant others sister or brother? This legally makes you and your mate brother and sister right? So how does that work? You can’t marry your brother or sister at least where the state defines marriage right regardless of in-laws(ship)? I mean how weird and awkward would that be for the couple that got beat to the marital punch? And what are the now legal brother and sister couple to do now? What are their options? Do they break up? What? I’m very much curious as to how an issue like this is resolved. 😆
Michelle
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They can move to Norfolk in the UK. That sort of thing’s considered fine over here. NFN = Normal For Norfolk.
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Yes — What GlueStickMum said!
Seriously – – I have heard of this happening and never a problem. Isn’t it just a blood relation thing?
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I have no idea… like if it was my situation, my boyfriend has foster brothers and foster parents, so no blood relation there. Family trees and structures can get confusing so why not make them more complicated? 😛
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Reblogged this on Effloresce23 and commented:
😀
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Hark!
I wonder about the inactive ingredients on my antibacterial creams
Never quite got the hang of having ingredients that don’t do nothing for me
There’s also the strange Nigerian habit of seeing people laying on the street and assuming they are all beggars or just plain ‘ol drunk…yeah even in broad daylight! I’ve discovered some of these peeps were just unfortunate enough to have collapsed on the road, and no one was willing to give them a hand. Never mind we don’t have an emergency line like 911 here 😦
What’s with this Cortana babe anyway predicting matches and all? I’ve quite considered asking her what color of bra I’m gonna wear tomorrow 🙂
I can’t stop cooking in my head death scenes. I don’t know why i do that, but this is reason enough to see a well renowned shrink.
Why do people sign their names after they’ve made a comment? It’s not like we don’t already see your name atop your post. I find that very curious.
I’m sorry about the death of your dad and pet. Papa will be proud of how many laughs you’ve given the blogging community 🙂
Cheers!!! 🙂
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Your comments always make me think you “get me” in the exact way I need to be gotten! Who is this Cortana? Would you believe I don’t know but will have to google and find out! And I think they sign their names in some cases because they are different then their gravitar, right? Like I will often sign Stephanie so people don’t say to my mom when they run into her in real life, “Did you really name her Little Miss Menopause????” 😉
hugs to you!
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1. This was one of the most amazing things I’ve read in a while. For some reason it made me remember when I was in 7th or 8th grade and was reading our dress code. “No thongs.” I almost had a heart attack and nearly screamed to my friends “How would they know if we’re wearing thongs? ARE THEY GOING TO CHECK?” Then someone pointed out they meant shoes — what I call flip-flops, to be exact.
2. I’m so sorry about your dad, but think it’s wonderful that you are honoring him like this.
3. I have thoughts like these all the time, but a bad memory, so now I’m going to have to jot them down when they come to mind.
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Do you know that I really value your feedback? I do, each and every time! Thank you so much and now I feel super old because I remember when thongs were ONLY beach sandals (you’re right!) and a Flip-Flip was a fancy trick we did in gymnastics.
Thank you for the kind words!
Stephanie
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Some of these thoughts definitely haunt me as well and, yes, highly likely we both need shrinks. I love the touching ending. I remember I was having a fight with one of my first serious boyfriends and he was so upset I knew we would probably break up so when I left his house that day I took a good look around because I knew I would never be there again and I was right. I know it’s nothing like losing a father but it’s one of the few times I got to savor a moment because I knew it would never happen again.
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Wow – – you were very insightful and conscious of a lot of underlying human actions even back then. A writer in the making, no doubt. Don’t you wish we coulda known in advance “more lasts” with our kids? The last time we would ever see them crawl…the last time they would mispronounce a word really funny….the last time they would come running to us for comfort….hmmmm, I really do think I need that shrink. Thanks Marissa!
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