Football & Fashion? — Black-Tie Touchdowns ?!


photo 1-13

“

 

 

 

Sack the Quarterback!!”

             or

“Sax Fifth Avenue!!!

 

“It’s the Cotton Bowl!”

             or

“It’s 100% Cotton!”

 

Can a relationship exist where both parties feel equally passionate about football AND fashion? Would it bring them closer??   I’m dying to find out!  With my two ex-husbands, I was constantly left alone on the sidelines during sports season, not to mention wandering solo through shopping malls because they could care less what I wore.

But I’m determined to ‘weave’ together football and fashion ‘seamlessly’ with the great new man in my life.

“You’d be amazed how much the two subjects have in common,” I gushed enthusiastically to my guy last night, as his eyes riveted to the screen during Monday Night Football. I sat conspicuously nearby, turning the pages of a recent fashion spread in Vogue.

“Oh no! Look how she  FUMBLED  with her purse, searching for lipstick!” I shouted, pointing to a statuesque blonde on page 28. “Betcha never saw color-BLOCKING  like that before! I wonder how much  YARDAGE  of silk that took?”

He narrowed his eyes suspiciously, yawned, then promptly focused his attention back to the set.

 One more time, giving it that old college try. . .

ME:  Well, whadya know! Vera Wang is finally gonna  TACKLE  the issue of  HIKING  up hemlines during the  KICKOFF  of her new fall line.

HIM:  Shhhh, Stephanie – – I can’t even hear the announcer.”

 A new tact was definitely required. . .

ME: (cozying next to him and purring) Well hello there! Did you ever stop to wonder if their team jerseys are made of 100% pure Jersey Knit? Or do they sneak a little Lycra in there?

Six men smashed their bodies together and I winced.

HIM: (mindlessly munching Doritos)  Uh huh.

ME:  What daring trendsetters those brutes are – – bringing back the 80’s shoulder pads like that! I think the chinstrap could be a bit much though. A simple helmet would streamline their look, while still accessorizing those head concussions perfectly. And whoever does their make-up! Haven’t they heard of waterproof mascara? It’d prevent those under-eye black marks.

The Asymmetrical thing? There always has to be some avant-garde "Football Fashionista."

The Asymmetrical thing? There always has to be one avant-garde “Football Fashionista.”

Runny Mascara or a Turn-On for men?

Runny Mascara or a Turn-On for men?

 

HIM:  (looks at watch)  Isn’t there some fashion show luncheon thing at Nordstrom, starting right about now?”

ME: (coyly)  Why? Would you accompany me to it, Coach?

HIM:  Coach?? As in your Coach brand purse?? Look Steph, I know what you’re trying to . . .

ME:  Shhhh, I can’t even hear that official man in the black and white stripes, blowing his sterling silver whistle necklace. Didn’t anyone tell him pinstripes are so yesterday? And white pants after Labor Day! Seriously? That’s a makeover just waiting to happen.

I made lots of loud tsk-tsk sounds.

 

Just then a Levi Jeans commercial flashed on — my hopes immediately renewed. But to my surprise I didn’t have to utter one word to get him engrossed.

She's got the Runway Pose down pat.

She’s got the “Astroturf Runway” Pose down pat !

 

“Hey, I’d sure like to  HAND-OFF  to that  TIGHT-END!”  He nodded approvingly at the backside of a gorgeous model, clad in size 2 slim fit jeans. We’d  HUDDLE  together and talk about our next big  PLAY  – – then I’d make a smooth as satin (or should that be 100% silk?) PASS at her.  Mmm, those little stitched back-pockets would put me into  OVERTIME  for sure.”

 

“Uh Listen, I’ve been thinking.” I stammered, abruptly changing the channel. “Separate interests are actually super healthy for couples. It gives them a sense of independence and brings variety to their relationship. A nice balance, if you will. No sense in both people liking the same thing.”

 

“I thought you might see it that way,” he said with a knowing smirk. “So next time you’ll be more careful what you wish for?” Sheesh, this guy really gets into teaching someone a valuable lesson, doesn’t he?

Football + Fashion will always lead to this. "Fornography!" "Pornball?"

Football + Fashion will always lead to this.
“Fornography!”
or   “Pornball?”

 

Before I responded, I leaned over to grab my Kate Spade purse, which I then launched (with a perfect spiral!) across the living room, where it landed in the center of the coffee table.

 

“Uh, whaddya chuck your handbag for?” he asked incredulously.

 

“Just demonstrating I can throw a winning  “CLUTCHDOWN”  pass better than any San Diego Charger quarterback around,” I smiled smugly.

 

“Stick to writing humor blogs, Stephanie. I’ll be your biggest cheerleader!”

Then he slapped me hard on the behind as I complimented his Christian Dior-DiScore shirt, his Calvin (K)Line-backer pants, and his Bill Blass n’ Pass shoes.

And that was the end of Football versus Fashion week.  Tied Score.  We’ll see who goes to the Play-Offs.

Nope! This is just WRONG.

Nope! This is just WRONG.

 

Any comments are more than welcome!  Don’t know what to say?  Answer this – – have you ever taken up an interest/hobby just to please your significant other??

39 thoughts on “Football & Fashion? — Black-Tie Touchdowns ?!”

  1. I love your weaving, dear lady.

    Football and Fashion? Is that like Action and Dialog? When I shared a scene from the novel I’m writing, I was amused by the men who said that they wanted more action. I thought they meant that they wanted gun fights in my scene of two women hanging out talking after a busy day. It turns out that they wanted the women to get up and tend the fire, get a bottle of wine, get snacks… But they’ve been carrying furniture in and out all day! Can’t they take a break?

    One also said that I’d better not have characters talk about clothing, or else that will be grounds for moving on to reading something else.

    Finding common ground for people who have very different interests happens to be one of the major challenges for the main character in my novel. I pulled some examples from my life, too. Like sports, food can be a biggy.

    hugs…

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  2. Pingback: Top of head concussions most severe | Herpes Survival Kit

  3. In answer to your question, nope can’t say I’ve taken up a hobby or interest to play my mate. Maybe this is the reason my 3 marriages failed hmmm, I’ll have to rexamine relationships 101. I don’t like sports and never got football but whenever I have gone to a sporting event i.e. the Pirates or Steelers it’s always been more of a social event. My last hubby (avid hockey fan) was so upset when I scored free tickets (in the private box no less) I took a friend of mine and neither of us knew what was going on with the game. But being among the elite for one night had it’s privilege the food and beverages were divine!!! ;-).

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    • My partner doesn’t watch football. And I’ve tried to understand the game and gave up. Hey, I don’t even have a tv.

      So our spectator sport is each other and cycling together to look at stuff as we pass by.

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  5. I’m such a huge football fan and know little about fashion, so I can’t really say much other than I laughed, as usual, over your humor! AND that as a feminist, I do realize that I am unintentionally supporting certain stereotypes. Ugh …
    Now as to your question: I started riding on the bike of an ex-boyfriend’s bike and when we broke up, I knew the greatest thing I’d miss was the bike. 5 years later, I’m on my 4th bike (not by choice of course – the last was wrecked through no fault of my own).
    I took the love from Single Malt Scotch out of another relationship.
    So yes I started enjoying these things because of the man, but am still loving them years after the man.

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  6. I have St. Louis Cardinals (little redbirds,) the New Orleans Saints (gold and black footballs), and University of Tennessee (orange helmets) earrings, my own attempt to drag sports into my fashion world. Your clever word play is funnier.

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  7. I tried helping him paint the house once. I spent 10 minutes getting ready (ie finding and wearing old clothes), I spent 3 minutes painting a window frame, with hubby saying over and over “don’t paint the glass, put more paint on your brush, not enough paint on your brush”.
    I spent 10 seconds, climbing down the ladder, throwing the brush into the bucket and walking back in the house… – not really a hobby, I know… but you story prompted this memory and I had to share 🙂

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  8. I took up tennis for a day. Got the mini skirt, matching tennis shoes, proper polo and white vizer. Fashion perfect Kournikova style. Of course, all that is molding in my wardrobe now! At least I have a cute photo, racket in hand; sweat on temples.

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  11. That was another right up the middle SCORE of an article. It’s a COIN TOSS to see who the fans were cheering on. Was the dog on the SIDELINES waiting for more chips or in the END ZONE with you looking for EXTRA POINTS? Another ALL STAR article.

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  12. I think you took a little OFFENSE and got a bit DEFENSIVE about the comments he made about the ad though I totally understand your surprise with the FALSE START. I’m sure you would’ve liked to do a bit of BLOCKING or even QUICK KICKED the END ZONE of your ELIGIBLE RECEIVER..

    I do, however, admire your ATTEMPT to try and bridge the gap,
    but in the end, you must realize – you’re only dealing with a chap!

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  14. Humor and intelligence to expose some truths, Stephanie :). On a side note, I dated someone who was obsessed w/ football- six nights a week or however many there are games shown on tv. drove me nuts!

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  16. I firmly believe pro sports should be abolished. I have sat through a few painful local football games in early November as a newlywed thinking it was good for us. Pffft. Bah. Never again. I’d rather shop solo in a mall. Clutch-down! How do you do it???

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  18. Btw, I’d use the distraction of sports to do all the things us girls do to look uber glam (or, in my case, at least normal). He’ll be too absorbed to consider anything other than that it all just happens without any effort whatsoever.
    Just don’t flash your fake tan lines at him, even if you’re just wearing his shoulder pads – it never looks classy.

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  20. Fortunately my hubby isn’t too into sports and even takes a bit more interest in fashion since we got together. I do think the football players are onto something with the skinny jeans and shoulder pads though. They were rockin’ the 80s look all along!

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