I’m Intent to Rent for my next Event!

photo (15)Seriously? Why is this so complex?  It’s a dress, not an apartment!  Here’s my letter of recommendation:

To Whom It May Concern,

Little Miss Menopause would make an excellent candidate to wear a rental gown because she doesn’t drink and zip, she never eats anything that stains, and she has her perspiration well under control.  I can honestly say that you won’t regret letting her rock your frock.

Signed,

Her Bra & Panties

Dear Readers – – Please check me out RIGHT HERE  for a humorous portrayal of how Online Dress Rentals work (at least how they work for me!) as I am  featured today on an online magazine called BLUNTmoms.  I would really appreciate you sharing and leaving comments over there.  It’s easy to do!  Thank you to all!

 

 

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Football & Fashion? — Black-Tie Touchdowns ?!

photo 1-13

 

 

 

Sack the Quarterback!!”

             or

“Sax Fifth Avenue!!!

 

“It’s the Cotton Bowl!”

             or

“It’s 100% Cotton!”

 

Can a relationship exist where both parties feel equally passionate about football AND fashion? Would it bring them closer??   I’m dying to find out!  With my two ex-husbands, I was constantly left alone on the sidelines during sports season, not to mention wandering solo through shopping malls because they could care less what I wore.

But I’m determined to ‘weave’ together football and fashion ‘seamlessly’ with the great new man in my life.

“You’d be amazed how much the two subjects have in common,” I gushed enthusiastically to my guy last night, as his eyes riveted to the screen during Monday Night Football. I sat conspicuously nearby, turning the pages of a recent fashion spread in Vogue.

“Oh no! Look how she  FUMBLED  with her purse, searching for lipstick!” I shouted, pointing to a statuesque blonde on page 28. “Betcha never saw color-BLOCKING  like that before! I wonder how much  YARDAGE  of silk that took?”

He narrowed his eyes suspiciously, yawned, then promptly focused his attention back to the set.

 One more time, giving it that old college try. . .

ME:  Well, whadya know! Vera Wang is finally gonna  TACKLE  the issue of  HIKING  up hemlines during the  KICKOFF  of her new fall line.

HIM:  Shhhh, Stephanie – – I can’t even hear the announcer.”

 A new tact was definitely required. . .

ME: (cozying next to him and purring) Well hello there! Did you ever stop to wonder if their team jerseys are made of 100% pure Jersey Knit? Or do they sneak a little Lycra in there?

Six men smashed their bodies together and I winced.

HIM: (mindlessly munching Doritos)  Uh huh.

ME:  What daring trendsetters those brutes are – – bringing back the 80’s shoulder pads like that! I think the chinstrap could be a bit much though. A simple helmet would streamline their look, while still accessorizing those head concussions perfectly. And whoever does their make-up! Haven’t they heard of waterproof mascara? It’d prevent those under-eye black marks.

The Asymmetrical thing?  There always has to be some avant-garde "Football Fashionista."

The Asymmetrical thing? There always has to be one avant-garde “Football Fashionista.”

Runny Mascara or a Turn-On for men?

Runny Mascara or a Turn-On for men?

 

HIM:  (looks at watch)  Isn’t there some fashion show luncheon thing at Nordstrom, starting right about now?”

ME: (coyly)  Why? Would you accompany me to it, Coach?

HIM:  Coach?? As in your Coach brand purse?? Look Steph, I know what you’re trying to . . .

ME:  Shhhh, I can’t even hear that official man in the black and white stripes, blowing his sterling silver whistle necklace. Didn’t anyone tell him pinstripes are so yesterday? And white pants after Labor Day! Seriously? That’s a makeover just waiting to happen.

I made lots of loud tsk-tsk sounds.

 

Just then a Levi Jeans commercial flashed on — my hopes immediately renewed. But to my surprise I didn’t have to utter one word to get him engrossed.

She's got the Runway Pose down pat.

She’s got the “Astroturf Runway” Pose down pat !

 

“Hey, I’d sure like to  HAND-OFF  to that  TIGHT-END!”  He nodded approvingly at the backside of a gorgeous model, clad in size 2 slim fit jeans. We’d  HUDDLE  together and talk about our next big  PLAY  – – then I’d make a smooth as satin (or should that be 100% silk?) PASS at her.  Mmm, those little stitched back-pockets would put me into  OVERTIME  for sure.”

 

“Uh Listen, I’ve been thinking.” I stammered, abruptly changing the channel. “Separate interests are actually super healthy for couples. It gives them a sense of independence and brings variety to their relationship. A nice balance, if you will. No sense in both people liking the same thing.”

 

“I thought you might see it that way,” he said with a knowing smirk. “So next time you’ll be more careful what you wish for?” Sheesh, this guy really gets into teaching someone a valuable lesson, doesn’t he?

Football + Fashion will always lead to this. "Fornography!" "Pornball?"

Football + Fashion will always lead to this.
“Fornography!”
or   “Pornball?”

 

Before I responded, I leaned over to grab my Kate Spade purse, which I then launched (with a perfect spiral!) across the living room, where it landed in the center of the coffee table.

 

“Uh, whaddya chuck your handbag for?” he asked incredulously.

 

“Just demonstrating I can throw a winning  “CLUTCHDOWN”  pass better than any San Diego Charger quarterback around,” I smiled smugly.

 

“Stick to writing humor blogs, Stephanie. I’ll be your biggest cheerleader!”

Then he slapped me hard on the behind as I complimented his Christian Dior-DiScore shirt, his Calvin (K)Line-backer pants, and his Bill Blass n’ Pass shoes.

And that was the end of Football versus Fashion week.  Tied Score.  We’ll see who goes to the Play-Offs.

Nope!  This is just WRONG.

Nope! This is just WRONG.

 

Any comments are more than welcome!  Don’t know what to say?  Answer this – – have you ever taken up an interest/hobby just to please your significant other??

7 Things Guys Don’t Notice, But Should. Now with some extra (older!) female input!

Disclaimer:  I simply could not resist co-blogging with this man! He probably doesn’t even know I exist, let alone that I impulsively joined forces with him, adding my own tongue-in-cheek commentary to his profound, serious advice.  I think we’re a good blog team, no? So here’s a very good-natured post from Mr. James Michael Sama, (a highly intuitive, renowned writer on dating, relationships, motivation and success) and here I am – – adding my (older)  female point-of-view.  Original post here.   If you don’t already do so, Please follow his blog.  His original text is in black  font below, while my older (see how wrinkled and exhausted my words are!?)  womanly input appears in red.

Take it away, Mr. Sama . . .

I know, man, you’re not really into the whole “prim and proper” thing. Your girlfriend enjoys fashion and dresses nicely but all you think the red bottoms on her shoes mean is that she walked through some wet paint.  Actually more like we walked through some wet blood, (yours?) after you inferred it was just some red paint on our $1500 Louboutin shoes!

Not every guy has an appreciation for style or fashion, but what they should have, is an appreciation for their woman, her interests, and the efforts she puts forth. No truer words! If you pay just a little more attention, it will show her that you care enough to notice the small things.  But what’s important is WHY you are paying us the attention.  If you have to be instructed to do it by some smart, hot hunk named James Micahel Sama, (who writes great blogs!) well – – we’re gonna wish that we could pay HIM some attention.  It always comes down to the motivation, guys.

Given that fashion and style are the primary topics of this article, here are 7 details to get you started. Image

Her makeup probably matches something. Her makeup matches her mood when she woke up that morning and put it on. Do you see the “I’m ready to take on the world,” mascara?  No? Neither do I.  How about the “It’s Too Damn Early for Rosy Cheeks” shade of blush?  There ya go!

 However, if the sun is about to set and she’s reapplied some makeup (gentlemen, don’t expect both this AND dinner too!) then all that goop will now match the emotions she’s hoping to elicit from you during your night together.  Is she looking sweet and innocent? (soft, muted pastel tones)  Probably not the night to try tying each other to the bedposts.  Stick to hugging, cuddling and baking cookies.  (Let her lick the bowl with those childlike eyes.  Well, give her a spoon, actually.)   Look closely (not too closely!) – – is there a bold lip-color or well-defined brow going on?  She means business and wants to be taken seriously.   Let her sell you some real estate or stocks and bonds.  Make-up smeared, with haphazard application of smoky shadows?  She wants you thinking about just HOW she got that disheveled look…tumbling luxuriously between the sheets like a vixen, no doubt. Or could it be thanklessly toiling over the toilets, scrubbing floors only to have them thoughtlessly re-footprinted by the people that make her life a living H$%*. . . oops, wrong blog!

If you guys are going out to dinner and she’s wearing, say, gold accessories – it’s likely that her eyeshadow or tint of her makeup will be some version of gold(ish) as well. Or this could be your very first tip-off that she’s a Gold Digger and you’re about to become her King Midas.  Careful with the “Golden” themed girls, Men. There will probably be some correlation between the color(s) she chooses and the rest of her outfit. Which will be especially interesting for you in public if she’s wearing polka dots, stripes or animal prints that particular night. 

Since she is clearly putting effort into this, it’s a nice thing to notice and compliment her on to let her know you’re paying attention. Actually most of her effort in putting on makeup is so you will NOT notice it at all. Especially the “older woman trying to age gracefully.”  Please don’t remark that she did an awesome job covering those crows feet and furrows. Or, “Ya know something? You don’t look nearly as haggard tonight. Send my regards to Maybelline!”  Only point out the sheer, radiant beauty of HER essence shining through.  I know, I know – – Could anything make less sense?  We women enjoy diligently putting something on our faces (and taking our sweet time doing it) so that it will disappear, like we aren’t wearing a stitch of makeup at all.  Just sayin’ – – complimenting her actual makeup could go over just as well as remarking, “Stunning Girdle you’re stuffed into tonight, Babe.”

Bonus: Her eye makeup is probably applied in order to bring out her eyes and make them pop. Notice.  Yes, try saying this to her  – – “Love how much your eyes pop tonight, Gorgeous.  Kinda makes me crave Rice Krispy cereal – – snap, crackle . . . POP!”  Utter these few words and she’ll be all over you in minutes.  Emphasis on “all over.”

She got a new purse (and it matches her shoes).

Her purse, or clutch, will always match her shoes. Sometimes her purse will match your wallet. This is a subtle, subliminal suggestion on her part that your finances should become “One.”  What’s yours is hers and what’s hers is also still hers.  Nifty, huh?  Now, match doesn’t always mean blue and blue, it could mean they correlate somehow or share a certain print, pattern, or the like. Use your visual memory and at least ask if something is new if you don’t think you’ve seen it before (make sure though, because if you have seen it, she’ll know you didn’t notice). Ah, ah, ah – – tread lightly here!  If you ask her if something is new and not only have you forgotten that you’ve seen it before, but you are also the one who picked it out for last year’s anniversary present – – you won’t stand a chance.  Another caution:  If we’re asked if something is new, our guard automatically goes up because we sense the next question will be, “How much did it cost?”  Therefore, everything we wear will be, (without fail) some old hand-me down rag from our sister.  Even if we don’t have a sister.

Keeping in mind that the purse will go with the shoes, it’s usually a safe bet for a compliment when she’s dressed up.  But watch for those tricky girls who carry a purse that’s shaped like a shoe.  They’re just waiting to “trip you up” in the compliment game.   You might try saying something like, “Wow – – looks you have three left feet tonight, doncha Honeybunch?” Put your own running shoes on right before you say that.

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She got a haircut. 

Sometimes a girl will just need an inch off the bottom or a trim to clean up her hair, it might not be too noticeable but usually it’s not too difficult to tell if a woman is fresh out of the salon.  Sobbing over how the stylist didn’t listen to her is usually a big tip-off.  I’d actually steer clear from this topic. Similar category as make-up.  Just tell her she is beautiful and be done with it.  Note the wording in that sentence.  She doesn’t “look” beautiful. She IS beautiful.  Keep stressing that it’s her inside loveliness you are drawn to.  You don’t have to be able to pinpoint the exact change, but asking if she changed her hair leads you into one of two situations:

1, no I didn’t. Your response: Oh, well, it looks really nice today/tonight.  Hopefully you can say, “it looks really nice this morning,” because you’ve been with her overnight?

2: yes I did. Your response: Mental victory dance.  Followed by, “And how much did THAT cost?” if she was foolish enough to admit to anything more than going to a Supercuts chain store.

Her mood is off.

Man, this one isn’t so small, is it?!   This one is sooooo NOT small that it probably should have been listed first.  Actually it should have been his title.  That’s it, men!  Write a post called, “Her Mood is Off” (Subtitle:  And Now MY World Has Gone to Hell in a Hand Basket!)  The majority of communication is not verbal, and while this goes for all aspects of life it’s especially true when you’re in a relationship. The adage “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it” (or how she growls it) comes to mind, and guys should pay attention more to how a woman is acting rather than what she’s saying.  That is correct.  You must become highly proficient at the game known as “Charades.”  Although, chances are she won’t give you overt clues like holding her finger up for the 1st  word, (well maybe just one certain finger!) and announcing to you the # of syllables in her emotions.  Nor will she pantomime the universal sign for, “It’s a Movie Title, Stupid.”  But if it WERE a movie title, it would be, “It’s Complicated!”  You’re just supposed to automatically know that she was earlier insulted by a catty female coworker, her stocking has a run in it, and if you touch her anywhere near her mid-section after she thinks she ate too many mashed potatoes (don’t you see that yellow police Caution tape “Crime Scene:  Do Not Cross!” strategically placed above her knees and below her chin??) the entire night will be romantically shot and killed. And you, Kind Sir — YOU will be the alleged culprit.

Often times she’s not going to tell you something is wrong or that she wants to be comforted – but you should pay enough attention to be able to tell.  You can’t really ever go wrong with “comforting” her.  Study the many forms this can take!  Consider putting See’s Candy or Godiva Chocolates on autodial.  You never truly know a woman until you understand the things she’s not saying to you. Ah, the underlying theme, premise and moral of this entire post!  Presumably if you’re on this blog, you’re an avid reader?  Well just look upon your woman as a favorite and most cherished book – – (and hopefully a Best Seller) knowing that there’s much more to her than meets the eye, and you MUST learn to read between the lines in order to stay on the same page.

She got her nails did.  (Well now, that’s pretty darn cute what he just did there with the wordplay.  Females, (especially female writers) adore wordplay!  Try it out.  He pretty much just “nailed it” for me with that one right there. I could care less what he says about my polish now. But let’s just see, shall we? – –

This one is easy. Were her nails chipping last week but now they’re fresh, smooth, and a different color? Notice – and say something about it.  (Don’t search for matchiness here!  It’s really whatever the manicurist flaunted as the latest and the greatest. Women do their nails for other women’s entertainment. ) She spent time and money (and it wasn’t Your money.  It was Ours. Remember?) freshening herself up (I’m loving the “freshening up” verb here.  Be careful with it.  It implies she was quite stale prior.  Rotting, even.)   and it should be recognized and appreciated.  Recognition and appreciation runs both ways.  She should know this already.  If she doesn’t, don’t hesitate to get yourself another gal, no matter how well matched her accessories are – –  Her heart needs to match her brain.

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She’s wearing a different perfume.  (I am not sure how the above graphic depicts wearing a specific fragrance, but perhaps soon the internet will feature “Scratch n’ Smell” photos and you can take a real life whiff of the lovely female pictured above, clad in her achingly too short dress.  Still thinking of perfume, guys?  I doubt it.)

Studies show that smell is actually one of the most retained things in our memories.  This is true. It can probably go back to pre-birth, but rarely should you tell a woman she smells like amniotic fluid.  Anyone who catches a whiff of a certain scent and is instantly reminded of an ex boyfriend or girlfriend is aware of this. If you “sense” something is new, mention it to her.   Make sure she hasn’t just been cleaning or cooking. (we’re in a never-ending state of either activity – after all, right?  Of course right!) but if it’s the latter, you have just found your next gem of a compliment.  Actually, nevermind.  “Being this close to you and inhaling deeply, I just know the roast chicken with dumplings will be delicious,” is something that will flatter no woman, Ever.

She looks beautiful when she wakes up. If this is a new relationship, you would do best to feign sleep (soundly) for two extra hours, giving her the chance to hit the gym, shower, shampoo, (rinse and repeat) blow-dry, curl lashes, reapply negligee and climb seductively back between the sheets with that “just awakened” look; as you greet her with “Good morning, Sleeping Beauty,” of course. That’s the way to get “a little early morning somethin’-somethin’.”

Sometimes, early on in a relationship, a woman won’t even let a man see her without makeup for fear of (for lack of a better term) “ruining the illusion.” Written on your woman’s mirror  (in lipstick) is the proverb, “He who shatters the illusion, will pick up the pieces Forever!”  No it’s not, but wouldn’t that be a good fortune cookie from Confucious?  The truth is, women often look beautiful when they wake up, even when they don’t think so themselves.  Again, This is one GREAT guy writing this blog! There is a serene, angelic innocence to those first few moments of the day and the fact that she’s not wearing any makeup has nothing to do with it. Oy!  Just learn from this man, ok? He melts me.

Make sure the woman you wake up next to knows that rolling over and seeing her face, puts a smile on yours.  I have nothing to add to these genius words. 

The small things that you do and notice in a relationship are often the things that matter most, because they show you’re willing to put effort in and pay attention, just because. There is no expected reason or special occasion, but just because you care.   Who cares if this came from Hallmark originally? (but I’m sure it didn’t.)  Let this sink into your core.

And coming up – – the perfect way for him to end his blog.  I won’t mar it with any of my comments and/or playful sarcasm (or scarcasm!) afterwards.  I want James Michael Sama’s wise words to be the last we read.  But more than anything, I want to retain this profundity in my memory banks, forever.  After all, it’s vastly more important than how my perfume smells.

Notice the small things, because someday you will look back and realize that they were the big things. 

Ration Your Fashion Compassion!

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DISCLAIMER: These are NOT my shoes. I use these heels in a pinch as chopsticks when we bring in Chinese.

So my gal pals are throwing one of those clothing parties where you bring all your wardrobe faux-pas from the back of your closet, then display them so everyone else can snicker covet something you own. You earn credit for what they select and use it to trade/barter for their items, at which point you basically go home with more stuff to sell in your next garage sale. Now, doesn’t that sound like loads of fun to you?? Or maybe I’ll see what my Oral Surgeon is up to.

Instead I enlisted my local “couture expert” (my 16-year-old daughter) for help so I wouldn’t accidentally give away any high fashion items – – highly improbable since I don’t own any. As I caressed my stack of Swatch watches, we both surveyed my closet contents until she broke the long, sad silence, “Well, how many points can you get for your hangers? At least they’re the nice, satin padded kind.”

“Now wait just a Gloria Vanderbilt minute, Missy. What are you saying? That I have bad taste? That there’s nothing here anyone would possibly want?”

“Not necessarily. I hear they’re doing a Flashdance revival show downtown,” she replied.

“GOTTA GET FOOTLOOSE!”

“Oh fine,” I said. “What about all those gorgeous shoes over there?”

“Those Espadrilles?” she wrinkled her nose. “Don’t you have any Stella McCartney’s or Yves Saint Laurent’s?” She took a deep breath, “And no Gucci? Armani? Louboutin? Balenciaga? Zanotti? Or how about just some Fiorentini?”

“Yes I agree – pasta sounds great! Let’s go out for fettuccini or linguini.”

“Mom,” she said exasperatingly, “Not even one Jason Wu or Jimmy Choo!?”

“Gesundheit dear and bless you. Must be all the dust in here,” I said absentmindedly. “And I’ll have you know on that rack behind those legwarmers, you’ll find footloads of Targetellas and a special designer pair of PaylessaLobotomy. Now I’m tired of this subject. All I really know about shoes is there once was a little old woman who lived in one!”

“Okay, okay, don’t get so touchy,” she grimaced, placing her hand on my thickly padded shoulder. “Let’s have a look at your skinny jeans. What brand name are they?”

“Ugh,” I responded.

“No, mom. Uggs are footwear again. Stay focused.”

“I meant Ugh, as in my only pair of skinny jeans exploded the last time I sneezed,” I confessed.

“CASH-IN ON THIS FASHION? I THINK NOT!”

“Alright, we’re not making much progress. Let’s take a peak at your belts.”

“If God wanted us fruit to cinch their middles, he would’ve given Red Delicious a waist,” I said, recalling Glamour magazine claiming I was an Apple instead of a Pear. That publication is also how I found out it’s best for me to stick with things that lightly graze my breasts, while skimming my hips and hugging my thighs. Kinda like the hungry, drunk guy at my last Super Bowl party!

“Alright, I can see my work here is done.” My daughter impatiently tapped her Fendi heel, obviously eager to chalk this experience up to having a square mother who was beyond help and needed to get back to what she probably imagined was my boring record collection. “Let’s look at something even YOU can’t get wrong. Your cousin with the purse addiction always gives you a designer clutch for your birthday every year, right? So go bring out all your new, pretty bags.”

Aha! I would finally triumph at the closet game! I watched my daughter’s puzzled expression as I emptied my Duran Duran and Go-Go albums from the dozens of colorful paper gift bags I had purchased from the dollar store.

“Yep. We’re sure getting closer to our goal,” she said exhaustedly, picking up my car keys. “We’ll continue this treasure hunt after I go pick up some Juicy Couture.”

“Okay, but take lots of napkins,” I shouted after her, “I don’t want you drooling or dripping anything on the driver’s seat.”

“DO AS I SAY AND NOT AS I WEAR!”

My daughter continued to roll her eyes all the way to the clothing swap party the next night. But once there, she happily traded all her gently worn last year’s summer styles for brand new (at least new to her) back-to-school designer duds. Meanwhile, I sat in the back of the room, played my 8-tracks, and held a bake sale where the money will soon benefit poor confused, fashion-challenged women who still Jazzercise, wear mood rings, and sleep in waterbeds.

As for being a fashionista? Let’s just say I’m scrutinizing all the fashion blogs and am hopeful next year at this time, I will be a Cheryl Tiegs lookalike model. A clothing designer? How about seated in the audience at a fashion-show? Using the bathroom in my local Nordstroms?? Okay, okay, I’ll settle for “coming out of my closet” with my head held nice and high – – and that’s only because I will no longer be wearing those large, clunky, 80’s style earrings that currently weigh it down.