Betcha Can’t Read Just One! (Mmm, Mmm Good!)


Brand Allegiance!

Brand Allegiance!

I think I missed my calling to be in the Marketing field because I’m always thinking up slogans and jingles.  I also feel sorry for Generic store brands because they don’t have any colorful packaging or catchy tag lines.  They’re like the Ugly Ducklings of the supermarket shelves. But I can help these underdog products shine by giving them an edge with a few well placed words.  For instance, Let’s take a plain “No Name” brownie mix. Just slap a label on the package that says . . .

“Now with extra Batter!”  Your batch will bake up thicker . . .  even though you’re a licker!”

Okay so maybe not so much that particular example, (you knew I meant the spoon, right?) but give me a break – – I’ve not had any formal training in this field.

Lemme try another.  How about for a Cab Company.

“Our Drivers Are Always Nearby. We Don’t Condone Taxi Evasion!”

Yep, pure gold.  I think I’m ready to branch out into the actual world now with a little job portfolio:

Little Miss Menopause’s Advertising Promos For Real Life Situations

 

DOG TAG

“If you’re reading this, it means I’m lost.

Maybe there’s a street I shouldn’t have crossed.

But the worst is over ‘cuz now I’ve been found. . .

And you’ve saved me from ending up in the Pound.

So pick up the phone and give my owner a holler

And tell them you read about it here on my collar!”

Would a jingle fit on here?

Would a jingle fit on here?

 

What is this, some G Rated job?  I think I can have some sexier promotional campaigns than that!

 

MALE’S TEE-SHIRT IN BAR

Hey ladies, look my way so I’ll flash you a wink,

I can do so much more than buy you a drink.

I can talk to you and complement and flatter,

But lemme take you home and prove size really does matter!guy tee shirt

GYNECOLOGIST’S SPECULUM

I ‘m cold & metal but actually quite gentle,

Any pain you feel is purely accidental.

If I touch you “down there,” don’t give me a slap,

Just checking that you haven’t been given the Clap.

You might say I’m important and quite ‘instrumental,’

Your doctor owns me outright, I’m not just a rental.

I’ll never be replaced with a cellphone or an App…

Rest assured, I’m the only way to get your Yearly Pap!

I could not bring myself to show an actual speculum.

I could not bring myself to show an actual speculum.

 

So much for sexy.  I think I better go tame again.

 

OUR COUNTRY’S NEW LEADER

I’ll take an oath the day that I become President,

Swear to protect and serve and never be negligent.

You won’t find me surrounded by trauma or drama

Like the guy in the White House now, Barack Obama.

So pick me when you vote in our upcoming election.

P.S.  I could also promise to outlaw Ebola infection!

 

And finally a little advertising buzz to honor the reason we’re all here.

 

 

A WORDPRESS BLOG

Do you have some feelings you wanna express?

Or a bunch of friends you wanna impress?

Pick a theme and make your personal gravatar

Reach for the brass ring, or just grab a star.

You pick your domain name – – we’ll be your Free Host

Say what you wanna say and that’ll be your first post.

But if you ever run dry, don’t write these kinds of silly advertising campaigns

Do that to your followers and watch how quickly he or she complains!

And instead of ever becoming Freshly Pressed . . .

We’ll make sure you get Especially Suppressed!

billboard

That’s right, don’t worry . . I’m not giving up my day job any time soon.

Little Miss Menopause:  Don’t leave home without her.  Please Leave Her At Home!

Would love for you to visit my latest humor on the Huffington Post Comedy Section today.

62 thoughts on “Betcha Can’t Read Just One! (Mmm, Mmm Good!)”

  1. “Lewis Limericks” leave you laughing while doing dog tracking. Ad companies are going to be busting down your door to bring you business Stephanie. Thank goodness you never graduated from the Larry Tate, Darren Stevens school of ad marketing. These are so much better!

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  5. I think you’d be quite good at this, Stephanie. And same too if you ever chose to get into greeting card writing. Every once in a awhile I entertain the thought of submitting a poem to Blue Mountain Greeting Card company but haven’t quite acted on the impulse.

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  6. I’m not so sure that speculums won’t be replaced with iPhones. A furnace repairman used his to see behind and around and in. He replayed the video, zooming in to try to find the problem. Ever had a colposcopy?

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    • Hi you!!! Just read your update and all the travel you’re going to be doing. Sooooooo envious! I’ve certainly missed your presence in our blogosphere so I was thrilled to see you’ll be keeping a travel blog. Yay! Thanks so much for commenting – – now this post can be considered complete. 😉

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      • Yay! Post completed! Yes, I’m so excited! I just found out that I can get wifi internet on my boyfriends phone! How the heck does that work?! If it does work out I’ll be around more often than I thought, so cool cool! Thank you for making me laugh! I subscribed via email now too 😉
        ❤
        Michelle

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    • Aww, you’re the best thing blooming in my little crop of comments! Read your latest about “closing down shop for fall” and got sooooo envious. We are still suffering 90 degree weather here in So Cal and I’m wondering when I signed up for an indefinite sauna/gym membership. Here’s hoping fall strikes soon!

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  10. A very clever idea. It’s probably good you stopped there and did not go into condom adds. But I’m quite sure you could cover that smoothly. If that should fall off you could slip into baby names. Just a tip for you. You have wonderful humor and quite a creative mind.

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  11. You WILL be President in the Polka Dot House ! I’ll vote for you MM even though I’m English in Spain ! That’s 10 million votes from me I should have said 😀 ❤

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  16. Ah, a visit to the GYN will never be quite the same. Now if you can sell me on the stirrups you’ll have me for life. Can hardly wait to see how awkward my visit to the dr. is in a few weeks as I”m giggling during the exam…:)
    P.S.- I’ve been sharing that video from The Mrs. with every woman I’ve ever met. Thanks for the heads up!

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    • Stirrups ain’t getting a single sales pitch from me – – unless they’re on a Clydesdale!

      Glad you got what I got out of the Mrs. They’re going to be on Good Morning America! I’m so happy because the “I’m Enough!!” message needs to reverberate around this country!

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  20. Well, Stephanie, you’ve done it again. I think you’ve paid back WordPress by the boatload with the free advertising jingle, and as for the Country’s New Leader, think I know a few who may need your services. I’ve come across more than one blogger who thinks they are fit for presidency. Who’s to say you can’t quit your day job?

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  22. Add this to Male T in a Bar
    And you don’t have to worry about disease.
    I don’t have the vee dees.

    Country’s new leader:
    And I’m definitely not from Texas
    The last two from there gave us the hexes.
    So if you go with a guy named Bill
    The last one gave you a thrill.
    So vote once, vote twice
    And three times is real nice.

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  24. OMG! This is pure gold! I love the brownies and taxi most of all. I couldn’t stop laughing after those first two…the rest were just icing on the cake! (Am still chuckling here). Though….I’m thinking now…perhaps I’m going to have to come up with one to specifically advertise YOUR blog….or maybe I should leave that to you…..Little Miss Menopause sat on her tuffet, playing with words every day……shall you continue?

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    • Aww, thank you for this. I’ve had the brownie one in me for years. I’ve eaten so much batter, I could be the poster child for escaping the fate of raw eggs. My children think brownies are supposed to be thin as crepes. We call them “Crownies.”

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