Here’s the (real) story of a man named Brady,
Who was busy with three boys of his own,
They were four men living all together,
Yet this story might’ve taken a much different tone!
A chewed-up list (found in Tiger’s dog house) on the set of The Brady Bunch depicts evidence that Mike Brady used a Ben Franklin style chart to decide if he should marry Shirley Partridge versus Carol, the woman who eventually became his wife.
And here’s the story:
- Hair of gold! Fits into the song.
- The voice of a Nightingale. (Oh wait, that makes me think of Florence.) Alright, the voice of a Partridge. This girl can definitely sing! How I love Oklahoma, Carousel, and Music Man!
- Longer life! I can’t explain why, and even though they were both born in 1934 (and just a month apart) . . . I just think Shirl will outlive Carol.
- The first television career woman! Justifies keeping trusty Alice on as our full-time housekeeper.
- A widow! No ex-husband to deal with.
- Short boyish hair, and a take-charge personality to match. Would probably wear the pants in the family, allowing me to stay in my office 24/7 pursuing architecture instead of dispensing nonsense fatherly advice.
- Comes with that cool bus! I couldn’t have designed the outside any better if I had been a real architect.
- 5 (FIVE!!) kids of her own. The Brady 8? That just doesn’t work for me. And why should her brats outnumber mine?
- More boys?? What am I going to do with that much testosterone? Plus that creepy stage manager Reuben Kincaid always sniffing around my wife?
- Entire family too forward with expressing feelings. Goes around singing, “I think I love you!” all the time.
- I’d have to dress in velveteen, flamboyant, pimped-out Austin Power’s type pantsuits on metal lunch-pails, which are just a bit too much — even for me.
- Where would we store the huge, tacky bus? And it’s not like we’d drive it to the amusement park I’m drafting blueprints for. Or even to Hawaii or the Grand Canyon — which are the only vacations I’ll ever take my family on. Wasteful!
- Have I ever seen her baking cookies or checking on a pot-roast? Alice’d be lonely. How’s she gonna joke around with Alice??
- That ugly red-headed, freckle-faced kid. Could I ever pass him off as my own?
- That “pretty boy” David Cassidy. If ever there was a teen idol poster just waiting to happen! And Marcia, Jan, and Cindy would be all over him. Oh wait, there wouldn’t be any Marcia, Jan, or Cindy if I marry Shirley. Let’s put this one back on the Pros!
- Look! She already comes as a Brady. She doesn’t even have a maiden name of her own that she’d have to change.
- A Lovely Lady with three very lovely girls! That way in the bathroom they’ll all share, my boys can each have someone their own age to touch…err I mean shout “touché” at after arguments.
- Has a short, boyish hairstyle too. Really my type!
- Also sorta sings. (Note: Could be in a school talent show with Marcia and sing at Christmas pageants?)
- Seems open-minded and might let me and my boys all get our hair permed.
- Reads a lot of Women’s Day magazines in bed. Fewer nights I’d have to “get busy.”
- If I marry her, Marcia will invite Davie Jones to the prom and a real live Monkee will come to our house.
- We fit just perfectly on a single staircase.
- I just know it’s much more than a hunch, that our group should somehow form a family and find a way to become the Brady Bunch.
- She’s a real MILF and my son Greg might even wanna date her after rehearsals.
- Being such a homebody and always hovering in the kitchen acting “motherly” so Alice might feel replaced and pack up and leave. (This should go on Pros.)
- Those three girls of hers are trouble. Broken nose, annoying lisp, and obnoxious middle daughter syndrome.
- The few times she does sing, she manages to contract laryngitis like when she was supposed to do “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” in church. Big chicken.
- Unlikely to change her mind on letting my boys play ball in the house.
- Too many future reunion shows boxing me in…I’ll be wanting to move on with my real life and true gender preferences.
- Nope. The world isn’t quite ready for this yet. Florence Henderson it is!
Note to Readers: Lest you think I make this stuff up when I run out of blogging ideas, it’s a fact that Shirley Jones (AKA Shirley Partridge) was asked to be the Brady Bunch mother but turned down the role. See HERE!