Tag Archives: television

Come to a Commercial Character Cocktail Convention!

tv-commercial-break-workouts-img-15684 (1)Don’t change that channel!  The guest list is distinctive, the drinks flowing, the rumors flying – – we join our gathering in full swing. Who might you recognize and remember??

Doublemint Twin:  Don’t look now, but I think Colonel Sanders is totally chicken you out!

Sun-Maid Raisin Girl: Oh gawd — not him! That’s not sour grapes.  He’s just so old, I should introduce him to my Aunt.

Doublemint Twin:  How is Jemima these days?  She was always so sweet.

Sun-Maid Raisin Girl:  She got herself in a sticky situation with her gal pal, Mrs. Butterworth.

Doublemint Twin:  I could fix one of them up with my Uncle Ben. He’d love to get married and get rice thrown at him! If they’re not careful, they’ll both end up old maids.

Sun-Maid Raisin Girl: (sniffs) Maid?!  Go ahead — rub Salt in my wounds.

Morton Salt Girl: Ladies, I couldn’t help but overhear my name?

Doublemint Twin:  Oh please, take it with a grain of you know what.

Morton Salt Girl: Let’s dish about Betty Crocker. I heard she has a bun in the oven, doesn’t that just take the cake?

Sun-Maid Raisin Girl: Shhh, she’s coming! Betty! I love the necklace… it’s the icing on the cake.

Betty Crocker:  Oh c’mon, You don’t have to stop talking on my account. I know there’s six layers of gossip tonight. But I thought of a name. If it’s a boy, it’s gonna be Gerber. I always wanted a Gerber baby!

Culligan Lady – – Mind if I join in?  Who’s the father? I hope it’s not some drip.

Betty Crocker: Don’t ask. He’s all washed-up in this town. Did the dirty deed, then vanished faster than you can say ‘Spic n’ Span.’

Morton Salt Girl: (whispering to Double-Mint)  Who’s the Daddy??  Some germaphobe?

Doublemint Twin: Yes, it’s none other than Mr. Clean.ty-d-bolmrclean

Morton Salt Girl: (gasps) Oh! But I heard last week he finally came clean. Admitted he scrubs and scours both ways and then tore off with the Tidy Bowl Man!

Betty Crocker: (cheeks flushing) Why don’t you run off and play with The Little Dutch Boy. Yes, all true ladies. And please no puns about toilet paper. They’re all just tearable! I can’t spare a square.

Mr. Whipple: I disagree, you seem to be on a roll. Let’s keep a soft spot in our hearts for that topic. Meanwhile, I’d be willing to make an honest woman out of you, Betty.  A man always has room for dessert.

Doublemint Twin:  Oh please Sir, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Betty Crocker: Take your hands off my baby bump, Mr. Whipple! If it’s a girl, her name is Charlotte. Please don’t squeeze the Charlotte!

Culligan Lady: Well nice chatting with you all, but I see someone I know. I could sure go for a long, tall drink of water. Hey Culligan Man!

Mr. Whipple: Wow, that’s one thirsty broad!

Coppertone Girl: Hey ladies!  Check-out the guy on the sofa. He’s smoking hot!

Josephine the Plummer: That’s the Marlboro Man.  I’d take the plunge with him any day.

Betty Crocker:  Which guy?  Point him out to me. I always thought the Marlboro Man and I would be the perfect match. I’d love to strike up a conversation.

Coppertone Girl:  He’s the one with the great tan. He’s sitting directly at 9:00.

Madge the Manicurist: Well 9:00 has a 5:00 shadow. And The Marlboro Man can’t hold a candle to The Michelin Man. He’ll drive a gal crazy. Personally, I tire out just imagining it. But you should tread lightly. With him, the squeaky wheel always gets the oil, if you know what I mean. Mmm, oil.  Softens hands while you do dishes.

Betty Crocker:  Oh Madge, you’re so funny. And what’s that you’re dipping your celery in?

Madge The Manicurist:  Ranch dressing.  You’re soaking in it.

Josephine The Plummer: (coughing) Excuse me, something just went down the wrong pipe. But it was delicious. Who’s the caterer?

Betty Crocker: Chef Boyardee.  But I heard that Gorton the Fisherman did the salmon pate.  Now he’s a real catch. I’d fall for him hook, line and sinker.

Doublemint Twin:  OMG Betty, you’ve got your spatula in everyone’s batter.  I don’t think you even know who the father of your little cupcake is.

Betty Crocker: It’s not like I did the whole Geek Squad! Goodness, these rolls are scrumptious, but I daresay the butter has too much cholesterol.

Madge the Manicurist:  Give it to Mikey. He eats everything!

Mother Nature: If you think it’s butter, but it’s not . . . it’s Chiffon!

Madge the Manicurist: It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature. Did you get a facelift?

Mother Nature:  Well, how dare you!

Jake From Statefarm:  Hi, what are you wearing?

Brooke Shields:  Nothing gets between me and my Calvins!

Alfred E. Neuman: (on loudspeaker)  Welcome Everyone. Don’t get MADD at my little announcement but you’re all officially out of work.  Some of you may even be dead. The votes are in and the networks are going with Commercial-Free television from now on.

All Commercial Characters:  Noooooooo!

Alfred E. Neuman: Now see, if you’d been a character in a print magazine (like me!) none of you would be concerned right now.  “What, me Worry?”

Boos and jeers abound as a violent food fight breaks out when Orville Redenbacher brings out the popcorn.

photo (20)And today is my birthday which means it’s time to announce the winners for The Blogcademy Awards!  Thanks to everyone for participating in my yearly event.

The winner for the Best Selfie (with blog in the picture) is Donna Gwinnell Lambo-Weidner and you can see her highly creative Selfie right here

The winner for Best Song is Marissa Bergen and here are her original humorous lyrics!

When it comes to blogging I’m the Cat’s Pajamas
And they call me the Rock N’ Roll Supermama
Cynical sarcastic subtle and sublime
And I got it in the pocket with the fattest rhymes
And if you haven’t got it yet, this is my song
With a guitar and a beat you’ll be singing along
So I know the Bloscar will go to me
Cause I got it when it comes to originality
And you know i got credentials, I come highly recommended
So thanks for the iTunes gift card, I’ll just tell you where to send it.

CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF YOU and please email Little Miss Menopause at  [email protected] with a way to send your prize!

And finally, if anyone can go HERE  to vote for me, maybe I’ll win a silly prize myself.  It takes literally one second. Thank you!

Blogs R’ Us! (Almost Famous!)

photo-67Have you heard?  They are casting a new television show that will portray real life bloggers in their online funny personalities!  Eagerly filling out the application right here, I was disappointed to get an email back from the Big Wig in charge (at CBS no less!) saying I wasn’t quite what they were looking for. However, I wouldn’t let that stop me.  After seeing a therapist for my recent issues, I have a new found self-assurance in my creative talents.

If blogs are coming to television and they are already in the movies with films like Julie and Julia, surely there’s room for one or two more? The producer reluctantly agreed I could drop by today at 4 pm to present a few of my Blog concepts for Hollywood and some original titles.  I could just feel it – – I was about to become a television star.

Now you must understand something — I don’t want to be famous for me. That’s not it at all.  It’s my teachers from elementary school that never got any recognition that I’m thinking of. It’s been a lifelong dream of mine to have a show similar to Oprah’s where I can bring one onstage each week, while shouting, “Yoo hoo, Mrs. Gretchanbaum from 4th grade, come on out.”

I got a little lost inside the thirteen story building, but finally found the correct place and was surprised to find a “Blogs R Us” sign displayed on their door.  Wow, CBS must really be serious about bringing blogs to tv to have their own suite dedicated just for that.  It was warm and cozy inside with a fireplace in the entryway.

“Trust yourself and don’t take no for an answer,” was my new mantra after seeing my confidence-building therapist just this morning. As soon as I spied an important executive standing nearby I launched right in, belting out the words I’d rewritten to Gilligan’s Island:

“Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,

A tale of a fateful blog,

That started from this quirky mind

After clearing her brain fog!”

When I concluded with my grand finale, “Here on Bloggagan’s Island!” they looked positively dazzled — so I continued without missing a beat to share some of my other ideas for titles.  I figured I would start with the classics:

  • I Blog Lucy
  • Captain Bloggeroo
  • Bloggie and Harriet
  • The Bloggerly Hillbillies
  • The Blog Newhart Show
  • Blogwitched
  • I Dream of Bloggy
  • Blogger Knows Best
  • The Bloggymooners
  • Leave It to Blogger
  • Blognanza
  • The Bloggy Bunch
  • Bloggie’s Angels
  • Laverne & Bloggy
  • Hill Street Blogs
  • Hawaii Blog-O
  • The Blog Boat
  • Welcome Back Blogger
  • Who’s The Blog?

Their expression darkened a bit however, and me being such a quick judge of age, I decided to throw out shows more from their generation than mine:

  • The Blogs of Hazard
  • The Blogsby Show
  • Blogney and Lacey
  • Bloggie Howser MD
  • The Fresh Prince of Blog-Air
  • Third Blog from the Sun
  • Bloggerly Hills 9021 . . .

“Sorry, who are you again?” A crowd started to form in the lobby.

“I’m Little Miss Menopause, but never mind the Little, I’m about to become the next Big Thing!”

“I believe that.”  He glanced at my figure.

“Please.  You haven’t heard the best one.  Blogfeld!  A show with a blog about nothing. Naturally I think I would be perfect for that one.”

“What’s she talking about?” A woman whispered.

“She seems to be under the impression we’re looking for television shows.”

In that moment I knew my approach was all wrong.  It was movies they wanted.  For the big screen.  Of course!  I switched to my best Scarlett O’Hara impression, “Oh Rhett . . .Where shall I go?  What shall I do?”

“Gone with the Blog!”  Someone shouted this out while snapping their fingers excitedly, as if playing Charades.

Whatever.  It was “Gone With the Words.”  But if they liked the other, I’d sell that too.  I took a deep breath and spouted out the rest. . .

  • The Wizard of Blog
  • Casablogga
  • King Blog
  • The Blog of Frankenstein
  • Sunset Blogavard
  • It’s a Wonderful Blog!
  • Invasion of the Bloggy Snatchers
  • Rebel Without a Blog
  • All the President’s Blogs
  • One Blogged Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
  • Night of the Living Blog
  • Seven Blogs for Seven Bloggers
  • The Blogfather
  • Blogshank Redemption
  • Rosemary’s Bloggy
  • The Lord of the Blogs
  • Bloggers of the Lost Ark
  • A Blogwork Orange
  • Who’s Afraid of Virginia’s Blog?
  • The Blogs of Wrath
  • Groundblog Day
  • The Silence of the Blogs
  • Smokey and the Blogette
  • Lawrence of Bloggia
  • To Kill a Bloggingbird

I paused to inhale.

“She forgot the classic horror movie, ‘The Blob.’  Would be really easy to tweak that.”

I gave her a dirty look.

“Look just give me a chance.  If it’s children’s movies you’re after, I have . . .

  • Mary Bloggins
  • Snow White and the Seven Blogs
  • Bloggy & the Beast
  • Bloggatouille
  • Honey, I Shrunk the Bl . . .

“Excuse me.  There seems to be some mistake.  We are NOT a production company for television OR movies.”

“You’re not?  But the sign on your door?”

“Oh, did they put that letter “B” up there again?  Every time the “B” falls off the sign on “CBS Studios” upstairs, the janitor mixes up the floors and puts it on our door instead.  We’re “Logs R’ Us.”  We sell everything you need to start a fire!”  He picked up a black iron poker as I moved toward the door.

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I took the stairs because it would be faster than the elevator. I arrived just as a salesman was walking out carrying a bunch of grates and fireplace screens.

“I’m here to pitch you some new blog concept shows,” I announced with the same enthusiasm I had downstairs.

“You’re too late,” the CBS executive said, humming ‘Come on Baby, Light My Fire.’  “That man you just saw leaving.  He works downstairs at “Logs R’ Us” and he was on fire with the ideas.  He just sold us  “Towering Blogferno” and “Blogdraft.”  They’re going to be hot BlogBusters at the Blog Office!”

Did I tell you I’ve always wanted to be a famous songwriter for Elvis? But you must understand — it’s not for me…it’s for this new blogging generation who doesn’t get to appreciate all his outdated songs.  Let’s see, there’s . . .

  • You Ain’t Nothing but a HoundBlog!
  • Heartblog Hotel
  • Jailhouse Blog
  • Suspicious Blogs…

 

 

Taking Your Blog to Hollywood!

photo 1-5Want to have huge crowds eating popcorn and Whoppers as they’re enthralled by YOUR original words? Want a chance at an Oscar?  People talking about you at the water cooler?  Well, forget making your blog into a book.  Think BIG.  The film industry is running out of ideas (that’s why we’re seeing the Bible recycled as “Exodus: Gods & Kings”)  Just follow these easy tips to turn your blog into a movie. Or if you’re slightly more of a homebody, into a television series!

Making Your Blog into the Next Big BLOGBUSTER!

1.  ACTORS:  The most important thing is deciding who should play YOU.  Go hobnobbing (what does that word even mean?  And can you go hobbing without the nobbing part?)  in exclusive circles to generate buzz about your casting.  Say this:  “Cameron Diaz is begging to be ME, but I don’t know….it’s such a meaty role.  I think I’m more the Kathy Bates type.”

2.  LOCATION:  If you own a house or real estate, you know that Location is everything.  Well same idea with turning your blog into a feature length film.  Shooting on location will get you a big tax write-off so you may as well combine it with your next vacation.  Go rewrite your latest post taking place in the Bahamas.  I’ll wait.

3.  PRODUCERS & DIRECTORS:  Who will produce and direct your blog?  Aha…Look no further!  Did you make your children?  Did you make dinner last night?  Or at least a peanut butter sandwich?  Ever grow a tomato or a radish in a garden?  That’s produce!  Starting now, YOU are your own Production Company.  Do not let Steven Spielberg tell you otherwise. And as far as a Director? Well, who instructs people how to make beds, wear socks that match, brush teeth and who tells your husband which way to turn when you’re lost and late for a party because he won’t stop and ask someone?  That’s Giving Directions, baby!  You ARE both the Director and the Producer.  Now start acting important today. Hobnob with a limo driver.

4.  WRITER:  Yes!  You are already a superb writer.  You wouldn’t have a Blog if you weren’t.  However, writing your blog for the big screen is slightly different… but never fear — this paragraph will get you there!  Always open your posts with “Fade in:” And remember to end with “Fade to black.”  (Note: There’s lots of fading and dissolving going on in the movies so you might want to wash the clothes you’ll wear while filming in color-fast laundry detergent.) And always write a big conflict into your blog. Films thrive on friction and conflict.  If things are always cheeful and light and fluffy, what fun is that?  You may as well just name your blog script, “Happily Ever After.”  Think there will ever be a movie with that title?  Think again!  Fighting, Arguing, Yelling, Bad Occurrences, An Evil Omen, Dark Clouds, Nobody Ever Agreeing, Objects Shattering, People Suffering Nervous Breakdowns.  This is the stuff that Academy Award winners are made from.  Write it all in!  And that’s why you should film on location in a place called “Stephanie’s Home.”  You won’t need any special effects.  It’s all right here in San Diego.

5.  STUDIO:  You might think having a nice Blog Theme Appearance will qualify as a good studio set.  Maybe you picked your colors and laid out the entire website yourself, so naturally you think you’ll excel at Scenic Design as well.  But your actors will quickly become bored reading their lines, standing under your Header and your Tagline over long days of filming. And the WordPress logo and your stats page as a realistic backdrop?  Yawn. Nope. Trust me – – here is where you should never economize.  Spend about six weeks of your grocery budget on a good Set Designer.  You may be hungry but it will pay off – and with the profit margin, you can order in Chinese when the filming wraps.  (Clever tip. Don’t wrap the film in holiday paper because then it won’t open until next X-mas.)

6.  PROPS:  Get lotsa stuff.  Now’s your justification for shopping garage sales.  Do a quick scan of all your posts. Are they mostly about you and your family?  Then give the audience a glimpse of your home life looking thru a window. The actors can hold lots of spray bottles of Windex and rolls of paper towels. Do you write more about your profession?  Get props that are symbolic. i.e. Are you a waitress? Put a wineglass on a tray. But is it half full or half empty? (dramatic pause here!) Are you a fashion blogger? An untwisted clothes hanger will easily be your best prop. (Cue suspense music!) Did someone lock themselves out of their car?  Or are they simply using it to roast marshmallows?  See how props work?!  Do you blog about food? Well, sorry. They’ve already made “Chef” this past year.  And “Fried Green Tomatoes,” as well as “Eat, Pray, Love” have all been done before. So you’re kinda outa luck.  Eat food.  Don’t write about it.

7.  PROMOTION:  You’ll need to report your highest grossing weekend numbers. (Note:  You cannot count how many times you’re forced to shower in a day due to hot flashes, no matter how gross that really is)   But first go to a postal supply store and get lots of large cardboard marked, “This End Up” or “Fragile. Handle With Care.”  Get strong packing tape and assemble it into what you see below left. Set a bunch of these in front of professional places of work. Where attorneys, accountants, doctors, dentists, architects, and of course chiropractors hang out.  You’ve just created a Box Office!   Don’t try placing them in your own house even if you have a spare room you occasionally work from home in.  HBO (Home Box Office) will sue your ass.photo 2-3

photo 1 (2)photo 2-2

That’s it!  The next time you are in a theater and think to yourself, “I can make a better movie than this one, using my own blog.”  You’ll be right!  See you in Hollywood….