Taking Your Blog to Hollywood!


photo 1-5Want to have huge crowds eating popcorn and Whoppers as they’re enthralled by YOUR original words? Want a chance at an Oscar?  People talking about you at the water cooler?  Well, forget making your blog into a book.  Think BIG.  The film industry is running out of ideas (that’s why we’re seeing the Bible recycled as “Exodus: Gods & Kings”)  Just follow these easy tips to turn your blog into a movie. Or if you’re slightly more of a homebody, into a television series!

Making Your Blog into the Next Big BLOGBUSTER!

1.  ACTORS:  The most important thing is deciding who should play YOU.  Go hobnobbing (what does that word even mean?  And can you go hobbing without the nobbing part?)  in exclusive circles to generate buzz about your casting.  Say this:  “Cameron Diaz is begging to be ME, but I don’t know….it’s such a meaty role.  I think I’m more the Kathy Bates type.”

2.  LOCATION:  If you own a house or real estate, you know that Location is everything.  Well same idea with turning your blog into a feature length film.  Shooting on location will get you a big tax write-off so you may as well combine it with your next vacation.  Go rewrite your latest post taking place in the Bahamas.  I’ll wait.

3.  PRODUCERS & DIRECTORS:  Who will produce and direct your blog?  Aha…Look no further!  Did you make your children?  Did you make dinner last night?  Or at least a peanut butter sandwich?  Ever grow a tomato or a radish in a garden?  That’s produce!  Starting now, YOU are your own Production Company.  Do not let Steven Spielberg tell you otherwise. And as far as a Director? Well, who instructs people how to make beds, wear socks that match, brush teeth and who tells your husband which way to turn when you’re lost and late for a party because he won’t stop and ask someone?  That’s Giving Directions, baby!  You ARE both the Director and the Producer.  Now start acting important today. Hobnob with a limo driver.

4.  WRITER:  Yes!  You are already a superb writer.  You wouldn’t have a Blog if you weren’t.  However, writing your blog for the big screen is slightly different… but never fear — this paragraph will get you there!  Always open your posts with “Fade in:” And remember to end with “Fade to black.”  (Note: There’s lots of fading and dissolving going on in the movies so you might want to wash the clothes you’ll wear while filming in color-fast laundry detergent.) And always write a big conflict into your blog. Films thrive on friction and conflict.  If things are always cheeful and light and fluffy, what fun is that?  You may as well just name your blog script, “Happily Ever After.”  Think there will ever be a movie with that title?  Think again!  Fighting, Arguing, Yelling, Bad Occurrences, An Evil Omen, Dark Clouds, Nobody Ever Agreeing, Objects Shattering, People Suffering Nervous Breakdowns.  This is the stuff that Academy Award winners are made from.  Write it all in!  And that’s why you should film on location in a place called “Stephanie’s Home.”  You won’t need any special effects.  It’s all right here in San Diego.

5.  STUDIO:  You might think having a nice Blog Theme Appearance will qualify as a good studio set.  Maybe you picked your colors and laid out the entire website yourself, so naturally you think you’ll excel at Scenic Design as well.  But your actors will quickly become bored reading their lines, standing under your Header and your Tagline over long days of filming. And the WordPress logo and your stats page as a realistic backdrop?  Yawn. Nope. Trust me – – here is where you should never economize.  Spend about six weeks of your grocery budget on a good Set Designer.  You may be hungry but it will pay off – and with the profit margin, you can order in Chinese when the filming wraps.  (Clever tip. Don’t wrap the film in holiday paper because then it won’t open until next X-mas.)

6.  PROPS:  Get lotsa stuff.  Now’s your justification for shopping garage sales.  Do a quick scan of all your posts. Are they mostly about you and your family?  Then give the audience a glimpse of your home life looking thru a window. The actors can hold lots of spray bottles of Windex and rolls of paper towels. Do you write more about your profession?  Get props that are symbolic. i.e. Are you a waitress? Put a wineglass on a tray. But is it half full or half empty? (dramatic pause here!) Are you a fashion blogger? An untwisted clothes hanger will easily be your best prop. (Cue suspense music!) Did someone lock themselves out of their car?  Or are they simply using it to roast marshmallows?  See how props work?!  Do you blog about food? Well, sorry. They’ve already made “Chef” this past year.  And “Fried Green Tomatoes,” as well as “Eat, Pray, Love” have all been done before. So you’re kinda outa luck.  Eat food.  Don’t write about it.

7.  PROMOTION:  You’ll need to report your highest grossing weekend numbers. (Note:  You cannot count how many times you’re forced to shower in a day due to hot flashes, no matter how gross that really is)   But first go to a postal supply store and get lots of large cardboard marked, “This End Up” or “Fragile. Handle With Care.”  Get strong packing tape and assemble it into what you see below left. Set a bunch of these in front of professional places of work. Where attorneys, accountants, doctors, dentists, architects, and of course chiropractors hang out.  You’ve just created a Box Office!   Don’t try placing them in your own house even if you have a spare room you occasionally work from home in.  HBO (Home Box Office) will sue your ass.photo 2-3

photo 1 (2)photo 2-2

That’s it!  The next time you are in a theater and think to yourself, “I can make a better movie than this one, using my own blog.”  You’ll be right!  See you in Hollywood….

55 thoughts on “Taking Your Blog to Hollywood!”

  2. Funny and empowering, Stephanie. I sometimes think about what that would be like, to have a future work adapted- although, like you said, no reason a lady can’t do that for herself… who better to, right? Sounds like you’ve had your hands full with your live life events.

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  3. I thought I was going in the right direction. Now, it’s confirmed. I’ve gotta get some actors though. I like bossing folk around, so I’m perfect for directing. I’m also a good at critiquing, so after my movie’s out, I’m gonna write a review under another name.

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  4. Ms. Menopause you are a genius. I was just about to invest in a multiplex but after reading our blog I decided to make a CinaBlog instead. I did have a few clarification questions if you don’t mind.
    Filming on location? How on earth do you get your cast to either fit in or on your laptop. Notice I said laptop as in computer not actually on my lap. Oh, and a hob is a mischievous fairy and a nob is someone of means. So, I suppose hobnobbing is catching mischievous well to do fairies. I have made paper airplanes so I am now a pilot AND a producer.
    I saved groceries for six weeks that was a big help.
    I put together the boxes and a sign and was just about to place it in front of MY office and there was already one there, go figure. In BOLD letters read “Box Office LMM Productions” So I had to place mine down the street in front of church. Do you think I’ll have a pray?

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  5. Stephanie and Family >>> YOU ARE ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ !!!!!!!

    Yes Stars !!

    Everything about both videos was total fun and great memories. Loved them ! The family video must have taken forever to edit ! ❤

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  7. Producing produce qualifies as production credentials? Good! [I continue reading]

    Regarding your advice regarding the set designer: as a former costume designer, I must add to your list: costumes, sound, and lighting as well. I’ll refer you to the movie Chess: In Concert for an example of a gala production that cheaped out on costumes and lighting. After your starvation/weight loss program, you’ll be able to plant a bountiful garden with your pay dirt.

    I’ll remember your tip on the colorfast laundry detergent; I want to make sure that I can fade back into my WordPress blog when I finish my novel 🙂

    Speaking of fading in, I’ll consider using your house as the main location for the “objects shattering”, and thus skip the yard sales, tag sales, garage sales (though I would love to try sailing), CraigsList, and eBay.

    In the meantime, I look forward to checking out your youtubes when I get un-snowed-in and can access high speed internet.

    Happy New Year, my dear Stephanie!

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  11. Wow, you’re onto it. We’re currently not in a deal with a Hollywood director but lie often and say we are…… As you have seen, we film at Templewood studio and are famous in our own minds…. I said in Episode 2 of the Temple that we’re like a fetus waiting to be banged up an fertilized by some Hollywood film company…. I’m printing off your piece to make sure we get it right…

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  13. I’ve no doubt that you can write a brilliant screenplay my friend. As for my blog, hmmm…I’m just positive Reese Witherspoon is ready to drop the backpack and play me instead…or not.
    Awesome post as usual Stephanie! 🙂

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  15. Actor: Alan Rickman to play me. Director: The Coen Brothers. Location: In an elevator. Props: A bottle of bourbon. Studio: An independent production company. Writer: John Cleese and Michael Palin.

    But to tell you the truth. If one these studios would give me some dough, I could make a better movie than the crap that is coming out of Hollywood these days.

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  17. Glad to see you back, but you forgot three things in your list:

    Gratuitous nudity.
    Gratuitous sex.
    Gratuitous violence.

    Fortunately, you did not include them in the Bar Mitzvah film… I assume.

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    • Aha! Waiting for you to come here Tom, so I could do this…. Dear Readers: This is the nicest and most talented man. He sung a song for me (changing the lyrics as requested) out of the goodness of his heart so it could be played at my daughter’s HUGE event to bring her onstage. His voice is just exquisite. So click here to listen. https://soundcloud.com/tom-balistreri/eliza And also, click on his name to visit his blog for great poems written at the drop of a hat (or WordPress Prompt!)

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  21. As awesome a writer as I am, I really need to get a co-writer, so I make up all the ideas and then someone else types. Cause I’m lazy. But it would be fair because that person would probably really like to type.

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  22. Well, you actually did turn your life into a movie, didn’t you? Who was that actress that played you? Amazing!! I’m thinking Angelina Jolie for myself. I’m already planning for my son’s Bar Mitzvah. The plan is to send all of our out of state relatives invitations in the hopes that they will send money with their RSVP declining the invitation…yep, that’s it.

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    • Yes, I decided that nobody could get the hair down quite like I do. That is an ingenious plan for your son’s celebration. And of course when all the relatives decline, it immediately opens up space to send some more invitations out to the 2nd and 3rd group tier of friends to be invited. But learn from my mistake and number your response cards in microscopic pencil on the back lower corner. I cannot tell you how many BLANK rsvp’s I got back with no return address on the envelope. Leaving me to wonder….who is coming? Or not coming? Who can possibly be more forgetful than I am and didn’t fill this out??

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