Should You Have a Soul Makeover?


We have some wrinkle cream for you!

Well then we have some wrinkle cream for you!

Women in our society are in a no-win situation and it’s gotten out of hand. First the media destroys our self-esteems by pointing out all the things that are physically wrong with us. Next the beauty industry and cosmetic surgeons (who conveniently sponsor the media with their advertising!) sell us their expensive solutions to “fix our problems.”

I recently decided to reject this crazy system and focus my time and energy (but not my money, since there’s nothing to buy!) on my inner essence instead. I read books, kept journals, took long walks on the beach and fostered close connections with family and friends. Everything was going swimmingly until last week when I stumbled upon an online website for Soul Makeovers.

Immediately I envisioned “before and after” pictures, along with thunderous applause on the Oprah show as my Spirit strutted onto the stage (doing the Soul Stroll Shuffle?) in updated clothing, hair and makeup. Right? Wildly curious, I called the number.

“Soul By Nicole, can I help you?”

Me: Hi there. I was just checking to see what your gimmick was? Are you selling timeshares in Hawaii or um, sexual favors?

Nicole: No gimmicks. But oh dear, you sound like such a poor lost soul.

Me: Nope! I’ve done my share of soul-searching. I’m good.

Nicole: What about cleansing your soul?

Aha! Here it comes. There’s a battery operated exfoliation brush with expensive soaps! I just knew it.

Nicole: You can start by baring your soul to me.

Ooh! R-rated stuff. See? I told you so! Massage parlor is just around the corner, wait and see.

Me: Well Nicki girl, it’s like this. I’m sure we’d be kindred souls, but I’m gonna pass on all your promotional junk.

Nicole: I’m not selling anything. But confession is good for the soul. And I promise not to tell a living soul.

Alright so maybe I’m too suspicious. Sounds innocent so far. She just wants to have a little girl talk, maybe confide in each other. What’s the harm in that? I told her I was in.

Nicole: That’s the spirit! Let’s meet for lunch. I know a good place for soul food. When did you last feed your soul?

Cleansing and feeding. Now it’s all adding up. Luxury Spa packages! Betcha she works on commission.

At the restaurant, Nicole orders filet-of-sole on an onion roll. I order the salad bowl with an egg roll.

Me: Nice to meet you. I rode the Soul Train here. I thought maybe you’d suggest lunch in Korea?

Nicole looks blank.

Me: (elbowing her) You know, Seoul Korea. Ha-ha-ha.

Nicole: Oh, you’re a droll soul.

Me: Yes, I write humor. Can I pour you some water or should I just pour my soul out to you instead?

Nicole: Let me ask the questions here. I’m taking a poll. What’s your soul goal?

Me: Well I want to be a famous writer. Oh yeah, and I’m trying to get away from commercialism and buying another tube of lipstick.

Nicole: Actually it’s the eyes that are the window to the soul.

Me: Yep. I don’t want mascara either.

Nicole: Have you thought about a soul-mate?

An online dating service. I shoulda known she was a matchmaker!

Nicole: Someone you can love with all your heart and soul. Share a soul kiss with?

Me: I already have a man. Maybe you know him? Old King Cole. He was a merry old soul.

Nicole: Well bless your soul, you are quite the little comic, aren’t you?

Me: C’mon Soul Sister, the jig is up. I don’t have time for this. Let’s rock and roll your soul. Whatcha selling?

Nicole: I’m not the one selling anything. You are.

Me:  Me? What am I selling?

Nicole: It’s obvious you’re a tormented soul. So there’s someone I want you to meet. . .

Lucifer: Name your price!

Me: Why you little devil, you. I wish you would’ve been upfront from the start. I already sold my soul long ago. To become a writer.

"Fetch me Little Miss Menopause!"

“Forget my pipe. Fetch me Little Miss Menopause!”

36 thoughts on “Should You Have a Soul Makeover?”

  2. I thought you had sold your soul to be a writer. Because it is so obvious since you are a good writer. Me, I am an Old Sole and you know what that means. I have left my tracks all over the place. If you are thinking of selling your soul, I would suggest you understand the consequences.

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      • Aww, thanks. I’ve been overextending myself terribly. Trying to work on that and learning to say “no” to people who think that because I work at home I have all the time in the world!

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  6. Stephanie, I have zis diagnosis for jur problem, and I zuspect youz haz been doing’s za wrong kindza of zoul searching. Youz are zuffering from za vare malady known as za reading farz too many “Chicken Zoups For Za Soulza boooks.” Zhat, orz, you have zis zecret craving for za soulza food. In zizher case, I haz found an exzellent prescription for za vimen whoz take up zis kindz of zoul searching—go dooz zome real zole (sole) searching. I zink youz vill find zhat youz vill feel za better. :O)

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  8. I could google it and answer the question myself, but I’m afraid to find out it’s true: there really is someone out there selling soul makeovers? Please, say it ain’t so(ul)!

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  11. Soulfully funny. Nicole the soul seller, or sooth sayer. You have certainly redeemed yourself with all the humor writing. Your soul is to wild to be sold. When one realizes how long it took to find one’s soul mate we realize how much we don’t want to lose it. I treasure mine. Your humor brings much joy to the world, Hmmm I’ve heard that line somewhere before.

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  14. Very clever.
    You kind of beat me to my humorous response with your last line.
    But never being one to waste an idea.. I was going to say,
    “I’m glad to see you’re “trying to get away from commercialism” this means you haven’t “souled out.”
    (And that is a lot of improper use of quotes by the way.) 🙂

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