A long time ago the only people writing reviews were movie and restaurant critics. Ever notice how many evaluations you (the average consumer) might compose today? I’m not just talking about the many products you order online. I mean every aspect of the service industry (beauticians, car mechanics, Uber-drivers, realtors, dry-cleaners, banks, pet-groomers) as well as professionals like doctors, dentists, attorneys, and psychiatrists.
It’s reached the point that I expect to see Hookers given 4 stars on Yelp and I will rate the following people, just like this:
BEST FRIENDS **
I met Tiffany in high school where we’d have giggle-fests over trying to get out of mandatory showers in gym class by hiding in the stalls of the girls’ bathroom. Nowadays, she’s just fairly adequate when it comes to walks on the beach and going to bat for me when I show up to book club without a stitch of makeup on because I overslept. But as far as gal-pals go, she’s catty and will tell anyone who will listen that I routinely put Lunchables in my kid’s backpack and once tried to pass off Manischewitz Matzo Ball mix as homemade during Passover by adding only paprika and some white meat chicken breast. If you should encounter Tiffany in the chair next to yours in the manicurist shop, you should probably not hesitate to give her The Fingernail.
My boys have gone above and beyond the call of duty as kids. This past Mother’s Day, not only did they order me a bouquet of roses, but they also remembered I get depressed when I watch living things die and so they sent me an already deceased daddy long legs spider. This may seem gruesome to you but I knew it was their symbolic way of reminding me of all the years I paid them to kill bugs for me because I was too squeamish and had bad aim trying to throw hardcover books at the scores of creatures slithering up our walls. This updated model of son is also vastly improved from previous versions in that they can tie their own shoes and when you tell them to make their beds they don’t say, “Why? We’re just gonna sleep in them again tonight.” I’m very pleased with how these guys turned out after high school and when I see women walking down the street, looking just a little too energetic or well coordinated with their accessories, I always recommend giving birth to a few little boys, just to give some new meaning to life.
FIRST EX-HUSBANDS *
I really wish I could give this individual less than one star. Amazon should have ¼ star options. He started off fairly reliable but soon turned out to be really unstable, becoming completely unglued and unhinged after our divorce, not only breaking down himself but additionally breaking lots of hearts, rules, laws, and even a few bones after he had a textbook mid-life crisis and bought himself a motorcycle. Ladies, if you run into him at a singles event, I would run, not walk in the opposite direction.
These people are some of the best in the entire blogosphere. They’re creative, friendly, discerning, have great sense of humors, and are incredibly supportive. I’m thrilled to have made a connection with them and can only hope they’ll leave a nice review of me when the time is right….like a couple of paragraphs down!
And it would not surprise me in the least to come across these reviews written about Yours Truly.
Meh. Those first six classifications, we’ll only allot her 2 stars. But that last category? Don’t make us laugh. This woman can’t grow a radish or carrot to save her life or to compete with that raggedy looking parsnippity vegetable that Scarlet O’Hara dug out of the ground triumphantly in that climatic scene of GWTW, where she vowed as God as her witness, she’d never go hungry again. Speaking of The Hunger Games, we were routinely starved because Ms. Lewis always claimed she had deadlines to meet with all her many blogs. Can we say delusions of grandeur?
I’ve been Stephanie’s boyfriend for the past four years now and I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Stephanie tries to act like she belongs in this decade, but there’s always something incredibly 80’s about her. It could be her gigantic hair, her off the shoulder clothing, her eyeglasses, her shoes, her music, her dancing, her expressions, her jewelry, or her Jazzercise. But it’s probably her taste in 80’s movies. For instance, Stephanie actually requests that I refer to her as “Baby” in this rating. Well, even though I haven’t exactly had the time of my life, she also insists I end my review with this final line . . . “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!” Maybe not. But as far as Stephanie goes? They should just put her out of her misery.
Aha! Using the term loosely, Little Miss Menopause can’t write her way out of a paper bag. She’s actually not a blogger but instead just a bogger — constantly bogging her posts down with these crazy ideas about far-fetched concepts like how people will be leaving fake reviews about the ordinary folks who play important roles in their lives. Like anyone would ever waste his time reading something as silly as that.
Or tell female readers to waste their time checking out her writing for another website when it’s something as truly bizarre as this …. CLICK HERE!
We’re none of us just bloggers. This was a lot of fun, although as a self-published author, I really need those reviews to sell books. Argh.
Very educational. I would give you top stars on this one. Now just think if animals could talk and give reviews. Or if you could take a picture of that knucklehead driver and post a review about their driving. I could go on and on, but I won’t. Thanks again for the great humor, you’re terrific.
Two thumbs up…cause that’s all I got!
This post made me smile- and think of the yelp reviews I’ve been doing for wedding vendors. I find that unless anyone really horribly messed up, I’m more likely not to do a review than rate them below five stars. The excellent ones are easier to write about. I loved the rating your bf gave you as girlfriend.
How’s wedding plans my friend?? When is big day? I’ll tell boyfriend you liked his review and i’m sure he’ll be surprised, considering he doesn’t know he wrote one yet! 😉
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The big day was a couple of weeks ago 🙂 it was wonderful and hectic and just getting back to life now.
Oh my goodness! Huge congrats!!!! I haven’t seen it mentioned in a post so I look forward to seeing how you work that in to your ever fascinating female ownership POV!
I have had the distinct pleasure of working in two ratings dependent fields. I will share with you two of my favorite excerpts from reviews of me:
From teaching, a response to the question, “Is there anything else you think a student should know before taking this professor’s course?” “YES, she’s VERY PREGNANT.”
From being a tour guide, the comments on a one-star review: “We drank too much the night before and didn’t actually show up to take the tour.”
By God, you’re right! Everything is rated. Perhaps most of them done in the minds of uppity women who privately rate another person as unworthy of acceptance due to some differing opinion or lack of financial status. I rate these women as Snobs who can kiss my…
I know! This reviewing stuff is very dangerous to our society!!!
Oh my goodness…if I could review people I would be left with no friends. Here’s one for my kid’s friends:
So and so does not play nicely on the playground. I was trying to read my book while the kids entertained each other but repeatedly found myself having to break up arguments. Also, the kid kept jumping from the monkey bars while urging me to look at her. Finally, I took the child out to eat and she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and then took two bites and told me she wasn’t hungry. I most certainly will not be inviting this child to my house again and I urge anyone reading this to use extreme caution if you end up play dating with this child.
Haha! Yep…. Why must we always LOOK at them? Kids must’ve figured out our standard, pat “umm hmmmm” method of listening to them. But we can’t fake looking. Mine is always saying “you weren’t watching!”
Oh gosh, that’s just too much!! Then they do it again and we have to look. Not sure if I can muster up the appropriate amount of enthusiasm.
Ain’t that the truth! Everything seems to be rated nowadays… Love your ratings!