Review of Me & You??

reviewsA long time ago the only people writing reviews were movie and restaurant critics. Ever notice how many evaluations you (the average consumer) might compose today? I’m not just talking about the many products you order online. I mean every aspect of the service industry (beauticians, car mechanics, Uber-drivers, realtors, dry-cleaners, banks, pet-groomers) as well as professionals like doctors, dentists, attorneys, and psychiatrists.

It’s reached the point that I expect to see Hookers given 4 stars on Yelp and I will rate the following people, just like this:

BEST FRIENDS **

I met Tiffany in high school where we’d have giggle-fests over trying to get out of mandatory showers in gym class by hiding in the stalls of the girls’ bathroom. Nowadays, she’s just fairly adequate when it comes to walks on the beach and going to bat for me when I show up to book club without a stitch of makeup on because I overslept. But as far as gal-pals go, she’s catty and will tell anyone who will listen that I routinely put Lunchables in my kid’s backpack and once tried to pass off Manischewitz Matzo Ball mix as homemade during Passover by adding only paprika and some white meat chicken breast. If you should encounter Tiffany in the chair next to yours in the manicurist shop, you should probably not hesitate to give her The Fingernail.

CHILDREN *************************

My boys have gone above and beyond the call of duty as kids. This past Mother’s Day, not only did they order me a bouquet of roses, but they also remembered I get depressed when I watch living things die and so they sent me an already deceased daddy long legs spider. This may seem gruesome to you but I knew it was their symbolic way of reminding me of all the years I paid them to kill bugs for me because I was too squeamish and had bad aim trying to throw hardcover books at the scores of creatures slithering up our walls. This updated model of son is also vastly improved from previous versions in that they can tie their own shoes and when you tell them to make their beds they don’t say, “Why? We’re just gonna sleep in them again tonight.” I’m very pleased with how these guys turned out after high school and when I see women walking down the street, looking just a little too energetic or well coordinated with their accessories, I always recommend giving birth to a few little boys, just to give some new meaning to life.

FIRST EX-HUSBANDS *

I really wish I could give this individual less than one star. Amazon should have ¼ star options. He started off fairly reliable but soon turned out to be really unstable, becoming completely unglued and unhinged after our divorce, not only breaking down himself but additionally breaking lots of hearts, rules, laws, and even a few bones after he had a textbook mid-life crisis and bought himself a motorcycle. Ladies, if you run into him at a singles event, I would run, not walk in the opposite direction.

WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS************

These people are some of the best in the entire blogosphere. They’re creative, friendly, discerning, have great sense of humors, and are incredibly supportive. I’m thrilled to have made a connection with them and can only hope they’ll leave a nice review of me when the time is right….like a couple of paragraphs down!

And it would not surprise me in the least to come across these reviews written about Yours Truly.

HOUSEKEEPERS/ORGANIZERS/COOKS/LAUNDRESSES/CARPOOLERS/SHOPPERS/GARDENERS **

Meh. Those first six classifications, we’ll only allot her 2 stars. But that last category? Don’t make us laugh. This woman can’t grow a radish or carrot to save her life or to compete with that raggedy looking parsnippity vegetable that Scarlet O’Hara dug out of the ground triumphantly in that climatic scene of GWTW, where she vowed as God as her witness, she’d never go hungry again. Speaking of The Hunger Games, we were routinely starved because Ms. Lewis always claimed she had deadlines to meet with all her many blogs. Can we say delusions of grandeur?

GIRLFRIENDS ***

I’ve been Stephanie’s boyfriend for the past four years now and I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Stephanie tries to act like she belongs in this decade, but there’s always something incredibly 80’s about her. It could be her gigantic hair, her off the shoulder clothing, her eyeglasses, her shoes, her music, her dancing, her expressions, her jewelry, or her Jazzercise. But it’s probably her taste in 80’s movies. For instance, Stephanie actually requests that I refer to her as “Baby” in this rating. Well, even though I haven’t exactly had the time of my life, she also insists I end my review with this final line . . . “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!” Maybe not. But as far as Stephanie goes? They should just put her out of her misery.

BLOGGERS *

Aha! Using the term loosely, Little Miss Menopause can’t write her way out of a paper bag. She’s actually not a blogger but instead just a bogger — constantly bogging her posts down with these crazy ideas about far-fetched concepts like how people will be leaving fake reviews about the ordinary folks who play important roles in their lives. Like anyone would ever waste his time reading something as silly as that.

Or tell female readers to waste their time checking out her writing for another website when it’s something as truly bizarre as this …. CLICK HERE!

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Of Lice & Men (a miniature hell!)

FullSizeRender-4Okay, that’s my ridiculous attempt at silver linings and seeing the glass half full. Seriously? A family with six kids gets sent plague #3 ?! There must be an error somewhere.

“Dear God, I would like to apply for the (#9)Darkness or the (#2)Frogs or (#8)Locusts plague instead. Thank you.”

I also find it fascinating that two of my biggest phobias just happen to rhyme. LICE and MICE. I also don’t have great rapport with dry ICE or brown wild RICE either, but that’s another blog.

She’s just a little girl and already I’ve doused her head with Tea-Tree & Lavender Essential Oil, Campho-Phenique, Listerine Mouthwash, and Cetaphyl Cleanser. She won’t even bat an eye when she joins a college sorority and has to go through their hazing phase. On three successive nights I wrapped her scalp in mayonnaise, then olive oil and finally vinegar in the hopes of smothering these critters. On the 4th night I just tossed up a Caesar salad instead.

 Here Are  My 10 Astute Lice Observations After Dealing with this Trauma for Far Too Long.

  1. Close-Up: Whatever you do, NEVER look at a picture on the Internet of a single louse under a microscope. You will either shave your child’s head or send her to boarding school for six months so THEY can deal with these monstrous, grotesque, gargantuan inhabitants.
  2. Machinery: There is something called a LouseBuster which will make you look twice, thinking it says, “SpouseBuster.”LouseBuster It doesn’t but should.
  3. Professionals: There are people who get rid of lice for a price. I amused myself thinking up names for their businesses while I waited for them to run through each individual strand of my daughter’s long hair with a “Nit-onator” comb. The salon was simply called, “The Nit-Picker.”  How dull is that? Might I suggest “The Lice Whisperer” or “Sugar & Spice & Everything Lice.” or “Tip of the Liceberg” or “Once bitten, Lice Shy” or “Breaking the Lice” or  “At Nit’s End” or “Nit’s a Small World After All!” or “Playing Nit By Ear.” or “A No-Win Nituation” or “Laying Nit On The Line.” or “Like Nit or Lump Nit.” or “I wouldn’t touch Nit with a Ten-Foot Pole!” or “Get Over Nit!” and my personal favorite,  “Nit happens!” Gosh, who needs to blog?  I’ll just sit around and name parasitic petulance companies all day long.
  4. Longevity: Because live lice and nits cannot survive without their host scalp for longer than 48 hours, you don’t have to clean your home, you just need to starve it of humans. Move to a new residence!
  5. The Blame Game: Stay in Offensive mode when you report this experience (and you really should!) to the parents of your kid’s friends. Insist that it’s their unkempt child who gave it to your precious tot in the first place. Don’t back down on this one, trust me.
  6. Neat Freak: You will never clean your house as thoroughly as you will after a lice infestation. And by “you,” I mean your spouse.
  7. Facts: According to “Lice Literature” they can hold their teeny tiny little breaths for up to 8 hours. So if the plan is to jump in a chlorinated pool, you’ll need scuba gear. Also, they cannot jump or fly. Now that’s just a bold-faced lie — explain to me how they get on the body part that is the furthest away from the ground? I’ll believe this statement the day lice start colonizing toes and feet.
  8. Paranoia: If you go to your child’s pediatrician for the initial diagnosis (because you’re confused about identifying a nit from a piece of dandruff) and the Dr. suddenly exclaims, “Oh wow, her scalp is just teeming with them. Come closer Mom — let me educate you on what they look like,” and you run from the examination room screaming, “Teeming?? Teeming?! Who SAYS that??” Expect the physician to scribble notes in your child’s medical file about future hereditary mental illness.
  9. Mystery: If you want to capture someone’s attention, walk into Target and ask the clerk, “On what aisle would I find products to kill . . .” then whisper the rest in her ear. Ten people will follow you around the store.
  10. Controversy: If you keep your child home from school, the head-lice have won! Seriously, if you’re sick of reading about mommy/childhood vaccination wars, just write a post saying you sent your kid to school with a full-blown, active case of lice. Save this blog for April Fool’s Day.
  11. Drama:  When the lice problem finally goes away (and it will!) you will be reduced to your best Scarlett O’hara impersonation, dropping to your knees on old shag carpet, holding up the empty casing of a nit while shouting to the heavens, “As God as my witness, I’ll never be itchy again!”

And now since my home is so clean you can eat off the floor, I’m issuing a formal invitation to come for dinner tonight. Just don’t show-up empty-handed. That’s a pest-peeve of mine.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/miniature/

There are Lice Salons where classy coiffed parasites get perms and blow-drys!

There are “Lice Salons” where classy coiffed parasites can get perms and blow-drys!

What’s in Your Bag? (a guessing game!)

photo-244Some Ladies magazines do a column, “What’s inside a certain Celebrity’s designer bag?”  It usually features hints on what products to buy – –  so you too can look just like the actual movie star!  But we know better than to think that carrying a designer keychain like Jennifer Aniston will have us carrying her gorgeous figure too.   But today, in honor of Spring Cleaning (Whoever thought that concept up had far too much time on HIS hands)  I have decided to go through my own bag.  But why should I stop there??

 

Checking out my bag today, what the heck’s in my purse?

Wouldn’t it be all the more fun to describe it in verse?

There’s lipstick, mascara, & crumbly pink blush,

Chewing Gum, a Birthday Tiara to feel Royal in a rush.

Saltines and single serve apples, pummeled to mush,

And a stray tampon in packaging marked, “Please Do Not Flush.”

Where’s the gift cards, the American Express, the cold, hard cash?

Just a few coins, wrinkled tissues, and some creme for diaper rash.

That’s kinda funny, when my “baby” is old enough to curse.

But just when I think rummaging can’t get much worse . . .

From a funeral yesterday, I have a business card for a hearse?

Where's the beef??

Where’s the beef??

Moving on to my kitchen, what’s going down in my Fridge?

Aside from greenish Provalone (and hey that’s just a Smidge!)

Besides, I assert to my family, if the truth were to be told…

Where do you think cheese comes from, if not from a bit of mold?

On the Top Shelf, you can see “Top Chef” has obviously been fired,

Hardened Kraft macaroni (and more cheese!) leaves little to be desired.

Oh wait!  He wasn’t laid-off – – he tossed his white puffy hat and promptly retired.

After all, what’s left to prepare when the eggs and the butter have expired?

In the produce drawer, (like my purse!) exists apples, but I use the term loosely,

Let’s just say there’s no need for a blender to get fruit in this house juicely.

Tupperware = the Family Game, “Guess what lives in here for your dinner?”

Who needs Weight Watchers?  This is the most effective way to get thinner.

One last look at the freezer’s contents, and I turned and I smiled,

“We’re eating out tonight, kids – – next life you should be born to Julia Child.”

It's an Auto Buffet!

It’s an Auto Buffet!

But just when I thought it was safe for us to pile in behind the wheel,

Under the passenger’s side, I found part of a McDonald’s Happy Meal.

But a mother’s instinct sensed I should probably take another peek…

And lo and behold, out rolled a carton of yogurt and it was actually Greek!

But I ask you, what else would you expect from a mother this chic?!?

In the seat pockets, were napkins, cups and silverware galore,

Ketchup packs, soda cans and french fries littered the car floor.

In the glove compartment were remnants of steak cooked by flame,

I’ll tell you, this gourmet vehicle really put my refrigerator to shame.

So I cranked up the Bee Gees and flickered on and off the interior light.

“Welcome to Mom’s Disco” I said, “We’re eating in the Toyota tonight!”