Alrighty, so interestingly enough WE (that would be you AND I) are no different than popular products that companies advertise. Why? Because we all want to be well-received by the public and we like to think of ourselves as having a solid warranty, right?
I don’t know about you, but I never looked at things quite in that light when I first attempted to use Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram — so now I have to do a major “rebranding” of myself as a person.
And maybe so do you?
You know, like how McDonalds used to just make America fat, but now they look like Starbucks and serve salads! And how Target used to be just another low-brow discount store but now it carries Fiorucci, Mizrahi, Giannulli, and Fusilli. (Note: these’ll make you hungry for Italian food, but only the last one is actually pasta — the first three are high-profile designers!)
Here are some tips for using each of the popular online networks to do a major personal revamp! It is worth mentioning that you can project an entirely different image of yourself on each separate one. For instance, I can use Twitter to rebrand myself as a well-regarded author (who doesn’t look like Starbucks, or serve salads!) and then Instagram for depicting myself as an ultra-fun friend! And Facebook to get the word out that I’m the latest sex symbol to put Marilyn to shame. (Uh, that’d be Marilyn Manson!) Basically you can characterize yourself however you want, so use your imagination!
And Now Without Further Adieu . . . (What’s adieu and why is it always escaping being held hostage?)
TWITTER: If you lose your train of thought after 140 characters like I do, then Tweets are perfect for the reinventing process! Also due to the abrupt nature of the post, you should intentionally cut yourself off mid-sentence to invoke intrigue. i.e. Here’s a recent one of mine implying I’m a sought after author — “Meeting with my agent today for a power lunch and heavy negotiations about . . . ” (Oops, ran out of characters!) Nobody needs to know it’s actually my health insurance Agent and I’m trying to get a dental plan added on!
SNAPCHAT: Also ideal since what you post vanishes after 10 seconds, which is coincidentally the maximum timespan of my memory! I like to put out a photo of me dancing on tables (with my bra on top of my head) or swinging from chandeliers (which are actually Polaroids from my college sorority days!) but by the time all my highfalutin decorator friends zoom in to scrutinize the texture of the tablecloth or the brand of the chandelier, the whole thing magically disappears! Meanwhile, the lingering effect is me as fun party girl that everyone now wants to invite to their next shindig.
FACEBOOK: Posting extremely frequently is the key here so you’ll get comments and likes literally around-the-clock. It also helps to have every day be your birthday so you have a constant stream of well-wishers. For instance, each night at midnight I go into FB settings and modify my date of birth to the following day. Instantly, all my Facebook Friends trip over themselves to leave their best regards in the comments section, complete with custom kitten memes and colorful cakes with candle pics, etc. I use this particular “365 day a year birthday” technique because I want to create the image that I am a “Born-Again.”
INSTAGRAM: Liberally use hashtags here. Trust me, you won’t get a reputation for being a cannabis dealer but you may constantly order hash-browns at brunch restaurants. Also to stand out, whilst everyone else is posting their silly selfies, you should post shelfies because this will project an image that you are still a bookworm in a Kindle Kingdom. Celfies (photos of you munching lotsa celery) are a good way to make people believe you’re a health nut or a Vegan.
PINTEREST: I make specific boards by tagging certain “guilt-inducing” photos to give my grown kids (who’ve flown the nest without nary a backwards glance!) some subliminal suggestions. I created one with lots of crafty projects of old, skinny, wrinkled, gray-haired sock puppets on crutches. I titled it “self-portraits.” So far nobody has come home for a visit, but I remain optimistic. Another board has pictures of adorably decorated baby nurseries with sad-looking dolls in the crib. I’m hoping that will propel me into “Nanna” status before I’m too old to see or hear any grandchildren. Another album has hundreds of photos of ET phoning home. Cleverly subtle, yet maybe too subtle — so far my cell hasn’t buzzed once.
LINKEDIN: I like to use LinkedIn to represent myself as being highly qualified to do anything and everything. Did you know you can make a resume for playing with kittens? Because that’s one of my top-notch skillsets.
TEXTING: Yes! You can even use your cellphone for revising your stale reputation. It’s all done through an act I like to call, “Mistaken Texts On Purpose!” I am sure at one time or another you’ve received an odd message and afterwards the sender immediately wrote, “Never mind that! Meant for someone else.” Meanwhile can you unsee it?? Of course not. So use this method to intentionally transfer information to someone whose opinion of you needs to be readjusted. Your ex broke up with you because you’re a loser? Send this “accidental” text to him/her. “Hey! Can you ask the bank to hold off on closing escrow on my beach home, the lottery officials said my first 80 million will transfer at the close of business hours today. Thanks.” Followed by a, “Sorry! Disregard that last text. Hope all is well!”
WORDPRESS BLOG: Use WordPress every chance you get to throw your followers off track. You want to keep writing strange, quirky, “so bad it’s definitely putrid” posts so that when you hit the New York Times with your bestselling novel, everyone will be so surprised you could knock them over with a feather. Then go on Etsy and use it to market colorful, unique feathers.
If you really need a new image photoshop is still the way to go. You sure are a big help in all this branding. I grew up on a farm and being branded was not something we were too happy about and it usually occurred by mistake. I did figure out that twitter was not something you felt in your stomach after a rollercoaster. Thanks for the fun read.
I enjoyed reading this post, you sum it up very well!
Thank you kindly Debbie! Hope it’s a great new week coming up!
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The accidental text to the ex is priceless.
Good morning and Happy 5251st Birthday to you. You really are older than the hills, and I am surprised you don’t have 20,672 great-great-great-great….great-great-grandchildren by now, I mean with your sexy past you must have had your first child at 18, and kept on going from there.
But the real reasons I am writing is to find out when you have time to talk to or even see your children should they be attempting to contact you. Between your phone and your computer, when do you have time to take a shower, or even a relaxing 5 minute bath? You wouldn’t even have time to play with the bubbles…
And all these different social media outlets, when do you go to the bathroom, or do you take your laptop in there with you just in case the sound of your peeing inspires you to write a novel of murder at Viagra, oops, Niagra Falls. You have to be “The Most Amazing Woman in the World” so I can only guess you drink Dos Equis beer out of a glass slipper. Have you tried that image for yourself yet? You should, you know.
And then there’s little old me, with 4 followers on my Word Press dot com blog, and happy to have them. The only creative writing I ever had published in a national newspaper, the one called The Daily Racing Form many years ago, a eulogy to Ruffian on the first anniversary of her death. Possibly the daily newspaper with the highest readership in the world, but all of them kinda horsey looking…
I have one FB page that I have never written a word on after the day I joined under an assumed name, and only use it to keep track of the graduating Social Work class of 2007 (about 25 people aged 22 to 57) (I was older than every prof I had) at a satellite campus that only ran a class if they had enough interested students to pay salaries for the four or five profs we learned from., and some family members who actually use FB to communicate. Me, if I want to communicate, I pick up a phone and text them to see if they have time for a voice-to-voice phone call.
And I actually used Twitter two or three times, and I have no idea of what I was doing, or what a hashtag is for. I actually wondered why it was mentioned when my twitter message was retwittered around the curling world and the writer of the retwitter mentioned that I had even given World and Olympic champion Jennifer Jones from my home town of Winnipeg a hashtag. What did I do, insult her or something? Man, I hope not.
As for ANY other type of social media I don’t even know what all those funny symbols mean. And I wonder why anyone uses them. Are their lives that boring (I know yours isn’t, but just the same…)
What I really don’t understand is “re-imaging” your brand. I mean, I don’t think you’re world famous, but I never watch talk shows so I don’t know if you are ever a guest on Oprah or Saturday Night Live… Dick Cavett was the only one worth watching, but I don’t think he is on anymore. Didn’t Tricky Dicky do the same thing to Cavett as he did to the Smothers Brothers Show, lying to their sponsors and forcing them off the air? I know, who the hell are the Smothers Brothers? Certainly not as famous as the Property Brothers, who happen to be transplanted Canadians in the vein of Captain Kirk of the US Enterprise (who ever told him he could act or sing I don’t know), but I hear he now owns an island in the South Pacific and has to pay his taxes to himself…
My question is, why would you want to be anybody but you? You don’t really think the world could handle eight of you, do you??????
Must’ve missed this witty comment with all its vivid hilarious images it evokes. In answer to your last question, the world probably shouldn’t have to handle even one of me. Hope your wknd was great, no fooling. ;-). Stephanie
Weekend? Was there a weekend? Once you hit retirement everyday is a weekend, no fooling.
Unless you go and do something stupid like decide to form a new home business and sell medical marijuana products, which is exactly what my girlfriend and I did a few weeks ago, and now we’re broke, in debt even, and getting everything together to start selling on about April 15th, or something like that. Our town has a home business sale once a month that is sort of like a farmers’ market for townsfolk. Actually, we have officially made our first sale two days ago to a person we gave a free sample to a week earlier. He was suffering from migraine headaches and a sinus condition. We sold him a Cannabis Body Butter after he told us the very first night he tried our sample he slept like a baby for the first time in years. It doesn’t cure migraines, but it makes you feel like you’re ok and someone else is feeling the pain. And when I saw your cute little moniker I was reminded that one of the symptoms helped by our product helps women suffering from hot flashes. I don’t know if you suffer from them, but I wanted to let you know there is now a product that actually helps you get through them. Never having had a hot flash, I don’t know what a woman goes through, but I know it isn’t pretty to watch, and a man feels so helpless to watch the love of his life suffer.
But thanks for the kind words about my little comment. You didn’t miss it, my computer was down for awhile and when I got it back I spent a whole day just commenting on blogs that were still open, and I was very glad yours was, because I enjoyed writing my comment at least as much as you enjoyed reading it.
So there it is, I now sell medical marijuana products that are government tested and controlled to make sure they cannot get you high, but that they can do what our head company says you can do. Watch for a new blogsite about our business, this stuff actually works on most people, and that is why we decided to sell it.
THANK GAWD! I’ve been waiting for someone to explain Twitter to me…outside the obvious Creamcicle Administration’s addiction to it.
Haha – – it doesn’t work to change his image! Thanks Peg!
Your FB friends will realizw that you’re Putting that you its your birthday everyday…..
Good point! Hoping that’s what makes it even funnier to suggest doing? Thanks so much for popping in and reading/commenting!
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I guess so, if they don’t notice then what can anyone say…..
Ha ha ! Loved this one. BTW are you really over the hill or just pretending to be one? In my real life I’m over the hill and a grandma to three in my virtual life I’m a blogger trying to stay afloat in the blogosphere and in my head I’m still five years old!
This is so clever! Hashtags, hash browns…LOL!
That’s awesome…..and a little wrong. But more awesome than wrong!
I like it! Reinvention via social media…there ought to be a term for that… While I’m busy thinking that one over, let’s decide if using too many hashtags is a punishable offense….
I scarcely learned what one is and now I am dying to participate in Hashtag Abuse! Thanks Marissa.