I guess Saran Wrap is no longer highbrow.
Whoever invented this silly plastic container,
Certainly amassed a fortune with his no-brainer.
But then he created a lid that would burp,
Poor Reynolds Wrap, it would easily usurp.
Tupperware, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways…
Distracting my sex life at night and darkening my days.
You discolor, you warp, you melt, and you crack
Then you lose yourself in the pantry, hiding in the back!
Or you tease me by playing shuffleboard inside my fridge,
Holding hostage a yummy pound cake baked by Pepperidge.
Your tops and bottoms never properly latch or attach,
Must I use a dating site to find your perfect match?
You always have the same size square body, with two different lips
What? You don’t think I can pack crackers in baggies with chip clips??
Or take Zip-Locks — they do their job silently. I guess that shouldn’t matter?
Try telling me that when I open my cupboard and to the floor you all scatter.
Once I was taunted into buying glass canisters with covers that hinged,
“We won’t get separated,” they promised, so I bought dozens. Oy, I binged!
All it took was one traditional Passover dinner when guests begged to take home
My brisket and matzo ball soup (Cuz Jews won’t settle for ‘to-go’ styrofoam!)
Alas my new storage efforts had all been in vain — and I was feeling bereft,
What to do? File a lawsuit? Report to the cops this weird kinda theft?
And that’s when I heard your loud mocking — it was a clatter quite hearty,
And lo and behold, my friend decided to throw herself a Tupperware Party.
Ugh, are those still around? So I went and ate and laughed and invested,
And just like being overrun with ants, my kitchen was once again infested.
But never again will your evil dampen my well-intentioned food-saving morale,
Cuz you’re staying organized and sorted in this brand new Container Corral.
I like to think of it as my Personal Household Sanity Evolution
But don’t think I’m ever going to use any of you, that’s NOT my solution.
This is just the best way to torture you — make you squirm and wail
It’s my version of hell, your well-deserved punishment, your personal jail.
And when I sell my property and nosy neighbors come to open house to snoop
I’ll look like Martha Stewart, perfectly organized — hell yeah, that’s how low I’ll stoop!