Erotic (or Neurotic??) Photography!


     “Arch! Arch! Arch! And more Arch!”

Last week my therapist/life-coach emailed me some books to read and a few other suggestions for heightening my self-esteem, especially to target how I was feeling about my “ever-changing” menopausal body. Totally baffled by her first suggestion – “Buddha Photos,” I concluded her voice-to-text app must’ve garbled her words and she’d actually meant to say “Boudoir” Photos.

Oh. Wow. Really? Me gain confidence strutting around and modeling my own underwear — so dull and boring, even Victoria wouldn’t think to keep it Secret? Quite possibly! I mean c’mon, never say never, right?  Besides, what is it about a camera that makes something like this feel so alarming?

I soon found that it was what lurked behind the camera…. a live male photographer, that caused me to panic. But again, no worries — he immediately introduced his female assistant as my “Personal Posing Coach.” I promptly nicknamed her “The Naked Lady Whisperer” because whenever I attempted to emulate her moves, (which inevitably involved excruciating lower back and extreme derrière positioning) she’d lean into my ear murmuring, “1-2-3… Ready… Arch!”

Each time I tried and tried, but could not raise my eyebrows any higher.

During her additional choreography motions, (which trust me, would require a Cirque Du Soleil performer to ask for a spotter) the male photographer would loudly exclaim in his unusual accent, “Perfecto….Super Saxy!” and then click his camera hundreds of times appreciatively while she’d blush. Feeling grateful that this was at least heightening someone’s self-esteem, I considered leaving them alone together while I snuck out for lunch.

After getting into what they both referred to as “my makeup and hair” the entire photo session was now focused on morphing me into this “Super Saxy Woman” – i.e. the Innocent Girl Next Door, the Femme Fatale, and the Barely Legal Secretary. I wanted the emphasis to be more on the amazing props but they both kept an eagle eye on my body parts instead. “Point your feet!” Naked Lady Whisperer hissed into my ear, “Makes your legs appear longer and gives your photos polish.” Ugh…if only I’d thought to paint some on my ugly toes.

“Stop smiling with your teeth. Don’t say cheese!” they both shouted in unison. “Just slightly open your mouth, and look subtly suggestive.” When my stomach loudly growled, I thought it subtly suggested, “Order a large cheese pizza!” but I might’ve misheard it.

It quickly became obvious that for me to part my crimson chapped lips in what looked like a natural occurrence would take more of a miracle than Moses to part the Red Sea.

“Never mind…Go back to saying cheese!” they both shouted in unison. And that was the closest I got to pizza.

For the grand finale, they wheeled in a glossy black Steinway grand piano as Naked Lady Whisperer showed me the expected pose … gracefully straddled across the keys, blonde hair flowing, toes pointing, back-bending into what looked like the McDonalds’ golden arches.

Sure thing! I marveled at her flexibility and then immediately demanded a less strenuous instrument from their prop room. “Gosh! Wouldn’t my therapist/life-coach be extremely proud of my newfound assertiveness?” I thought out loud. “After all, didn’t advocating for yourself raise your self-esteem?”

When the day came to view my proofs, I summoned my therapist (whose idea this entire fiasco had been in the first place!) to assist with narrowing down the selections for ordering. We both agreed the one of me sound asleep (with my lips somehow subtly parted — yay!) holding a shiny brass Saxophone was indeed “Super Saxy.”

But it was at this point in the process when my confused therapist turned to me and confessed that there hadn’t been any typos or autocorrects in her original email. “Oh really?” I asked somewhat surprised. “But why would you have written ‘Buddha Photos?’ That makes no sense.”

It was then that I learned that the Buddha is always at peace with his rounded belly and she wanted me to look at lots and lots of pictures of him so I’d have a healthy role model. Oh brother!

Me finally taking the correct advice from my therapist!

Just so the day wasn’t a total loss, I ordered a 20 x 28 inch framed portrait of my favorite camera angle – a zoomed-in close-up of my naked left big toe, pointed and arched in all its glory. And looking extremely provocative.

In fact it provoked me to finally get a much needed pedicure!

Ladies: Have you or would you ever try boudoir photography? Men: What’s your opinion of receiving it as a gift?

               Just channel a pretzel!

14 thoughts on “Erotic (or Neurotic??) Photography!

  1. oh my…another topic i could write loads about. I love your humor about it all though.. hilarious- Buddha pics…hahaha…i dabbled in modeling from age 28- 35, and was still getting requests up till last year.It’s amazing how in demand older female models are! I had turned most down for the last 5, just no longer interested. It is much harder than most understand and when u aren’t famous it pays shit. You are often out in frigid weather in almost nothing trying to pose with direction after direction. Physically, it sucks.That first photo though..hahah…i have a photo of myself from age 32 i recall those exact words very distinctly. I thought my spine would break. So uncomfortable and i was in pain for days after. It was a bikini shot. I have it somewhere, gotta find it. But, in short, i have a boat load of boudoir pics and am happy to say i will not be needing any more for the rest of my life. I do however , encourage more women ti at least try them if you have someone special in your life. My boyfriends loved them. Plus, it really raises your self esteem!

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    • Great insights into a behind the scenes world which most women fantasize has far greener grass. So in all seriousness, you do feel that boudoir photography raises self esteem? I guess if the outcome is good AND a woman doesn’t have body dysmorphia. Thanks for such an intriguing comment…. good start of the week to you!
      Stephanie

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      • interesting question..me , personally, yes, i do feel it raises self esteem. If you have the right photographer, but more importantly, the right posing agent- the results show you that you can indeed look a lot like these other famous models- which is something i believe most women struggle with on the daily. Today there are even MORE options than when i was doing it, because now there is also photo shop, apps, etc. that erase flaws and can even re distribute the body in more flattering ways for the final photo. BUT, and there always is one- a person-any person- with severe body dysmorphia will have issues no matter how awesome the results are. Because that shit is in their head and requires extensive therapy ( something a meer photo won’t help with). I’ve seen more than my share of that “behind the scenes” and it was pretty sad. a lot of the women i worked with just seemed so negative and hard on themselves. Guess i was lucky my insecurities weren’t half as bad as some.

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  2. If you want to pose for them, go for it. Then if you want to send them to me, only if you feel it necessary. Please include the instruction, Only to be opened in my presence!

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