In order to become a less obscure author, I was told to start a blog.  Check.  Then I was told to “Brand Myself.”  Check. Even though that conjured up images of U-shaped hot irons and cattle ranches, I did my best.  I called myself, “Little Miss Menopause.”  I titled my blog, “Once Upon Your Prime” and originated the tagline, “Live Happily Ever Laughter.”

Then the old people started to come.  Probably because of this post, “How to be a New Blogger and Not Sound Like an Old Codger.”  Which was fine.  I love old.  I am old.  But I wanted a greater variety of readers.  I added a purple feather boa.  I thought purple feathers would bring out the fashionistas, the younger women who dance with purple feather boas, and the men who like the younger women who dance with purple feather boas. Or just fans of the movie, “The Color Purple.”   Or just fans of any movie!  But nope, still old people.

Having no experience in public relations, (and before I put up my new tagline, “Menopause.  It’s what’s for dinner!”)  I decided to consult a young, pretty, hip professional marketing exec who specialized in this branding stuff.

Let’s meet “Brandy, The Bragging, Brooding, Borderline Blog Brander,” and listen in on some Brainstorming.

Brandy:  So first of all, lose the Feathers and the Purple.  You’re attracting old ostriches and Barney the Dinosaur.  Second of all, you need a different photo of yourself.

Me:  But all my photos resemble me.

Brandy:  That’s gonna be a problem.  Okay, let’s take it from the top.  You must establish positive associations with your blog.  So can you change your name to “Miss Monopoly?”  It’s got many of the same letters as Menopause but people like “Old Board Games” much more than they like “Old Bored Dames.”

Me: (ignoring)  Listen, I used to work in real estate and when we wanted to elicit lots of interest in a home, we’d hold an open house.  Bake cookies, spray cinnamon fragrance, and tell the owners to put away all the old furniture and photographs so people could envision it as their own.

Brandy:  Perfect advice.  Hide your photo.  And cookies?  Not a bad idea.  You could do a Blog giveaway.  A prize for each person that signs up to Follow you.  What do you have of value to offer?

Me:  I’m a writer – – I could offer to name a character after every person that comments on my blog.  My next topic will be the “101 Dalmations” so if I could just get  101 New Readers who like polka dots, I could name each dog after. . .

Brandy:  That’s a bit spotty.  I’m not feeling it.

Me:  Alright.  Well, when I worked in the mall, we always had coupons and specials which brought in large crowds.  I could say,  “Read one Blog, Skim the Second One in Half the Time?”  Or I could hold a “Going Out of Blogosphere” sale.  Everything must Go!  How about, “Now with Double the white space and images,” plus  “Two Scoops of Pronouns in Every Paragraph!”

Brandy:  (big sigh)  Okaaaay, that’s just Blawkward!

Me:  There’s always the old “Bait & Switch?”  That always worked in retail.  I’ll write a new post titled,  “I Came In With A Wrecking Ball,” but when readers click on it,  they’ll be automatically redirected to my real blog called, “I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up.”  That’s genius.

Brandy: That’s oblognoxious.

Me:  Oblognoxious?

Brandy:  You know.  Blogappalling.  Blogawful.  (yawn) But the Super Bowl was recently on television.  A clever commercial might just work for you.

Me:   Make my writing a product? You mean like, “Blog Cabin Syrup?”

Brandy:  Too sappy.

Me:  I’ve got it!  Maybe my blog can have familiar famous sound effects.  Like when you click on the home page, it “Snaps, crackles and pops!”  Or it fizzes and plops like Alka-Seltzer, or honks two times like Aamco.  Wait!  It could even giggle like the Pillsbury Dough Blog.

Brandy:  Girl, that really takes the Biscuit.

Me:  Okay, how about, “Just When you Thought it was safe to Read my Blog” or  “In Cyberspace, Nobody can Hear You Scream!”  Or my favorite, “If  You Blog It, They Will Read.”

Brandy:  You’re not a movie.  Keep it simple.  “Mmm, Mmm, Good,” or  “Have it Your Way.”

Me:  I’m not a bowl of soup or a burger either.  You’re not very supportive and you seem pretty useless for a Professional Brander from Brandeis University. ”

Brandy:  Well I’ve got news for you, Sistah – – you shoulda never left real estate or your salesgirl day job in the mall.  You’re Blogatrocious.

Me:  Listen, Brandy the Brander – – I don’t think you help people brand themselves at all.  I think you just sit around and coin new Blogadjectives.  I could do far better on my own, just by making a list of Slogans or Catch Phrases for people’s blogs.

        Blogans For Your Blog!

1.  It Keeps Blogging…and Blogging….and Blogging….

2.  Got Blog??

3.  “Where’s the Blog??”  (need cranky, old woman mascot for this one!)

4.  We’ll Leave the Blog on For ya.

5.  Blog all that You Can Blog!

6.  Melts in Your Mind, Not on Your Screen

7. A Blog is a Terrible Thing To Waste!

8.  Home of the Blogger

9.  Oh, What a Blogging!

10.  Does she Blog or doesn’t she??

11.  A Little Blog’ll Do Ya!

12.  Takes a flogging but keeps on Blogging.

13.  You Deserve a Blog Today

14.  Make a Run for the Blogger

15.  My Blogna has a first name, it’s B-L-O-G.

16.  Like a Good Blogger, WordPress is there!

17.  Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Blogiful.

18.  I’d Like to Build the World a Blog…

19.  If you Don’t Blog all over the place, You’ll Just end up blogging on My Space.

20.  I Can’t Believe I Blogged the Whole Thing!

21.  The Blogfast of Champions!

As for a Blog Promotion — every time you read my blog, feel free to have a little Brandy.  The liqueur, not the Brandy Bimbo quoted above.

Seriously, If you leave me a comment or start to follow my blog, (just let me know if you’d like me to) and I’ll think up a new “Blogan” for your Blog too!