Doublemint Twin: Don’t look now, but I think Colonel Sanders is totally chicken you out!
Sun-Maid Raisin Girl: Oh gawd — not him! That’s not sour grapes. He’s just so old, I should introduce him to my Aunt.
Doublemint Twin: How is Jemima these days? She was always so sweet.
Sun-Maid Raisin Girl: She got herself in a sticky situation with her gal pal, Mrs. Butterworth.
Doublemint Twin: I could fix one of them up with my Uncle Ben. He’d love to get married and get rice thrown at him! If they’re not careful, they’ll both end up old maids.
Sun-Maid Raisin Girl: (sniffs) Maid?! Go ahead — rub Salt in my wounds.
Morton Salt Girl: Ladies, I couldn’t help but overhear my name?
Doublemint Twin: Oh please, take it with a grain of you know what.
Morton Salt Girl: Let’s dish about Betty Crocker. I heard she has a bun in the oven, doesn’t that just take the cake?
Sun-Maid Raisin Girl: Shhh, she’s coming! Betty! I love the necklace… it’s the icing on the cake.
Betty Crocker: Oh c’mon, You don’t have to stop talking on my account. I know there’s six layers of gossip tonight. But I thought of a name. If it’s a boy, it’s gonna be Gerber. I always wanted a Gerber baby!
Culligan Lady – – Mind if I join in? Who’s the father? I hope it’s not some drip.
Betty Crocker: Don’t ask. He’s all washed-up in this town. Did the dirty deed, then vanished faster than you can say ‘Spic n’ Span.’
Morton Salt Girl: (whispering to Double-Mint) Who’s the Daddy?? Some germaphobe?
Morton Salt Girl: (gasps) Oh! But I heard last week he finally came clean. Admitted he scrubs and scours both ways and then tore off with the Tidy Bowl Man!
Betty Crocker: (cheeks flushing) Why don’t you run off and play with The Little Dutch Boy. Yes, all true ladies. And please no puns about toilet paper. They’re all just tearable! I can’t spare a square.
Mr. Whipple: I disagree, you seem to be on a roll. Let’s keep a soft spot in our hearts for that topic. Meanwhile, I’d be willing to make an honest woman out of you, Betty. A man always has room for dessert.
Doublemint Twin: Oh please Sir, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Betty Crocker: Take your hands off my baby bump, Mr. Whipple! If it’s a girl, her name is Charlotte. Please don’t squeeze the Charlotte!
Culligan Lady: Well nice chatting with you all, but I see someone I know. I could sure go for a long, tall drink of water. Hey Culligan Man!
Mr. Whipple: Wow, that’s one thirsty broad!
Coppertone Girl: Hey ladies! Check-out the guy on the sofa. He’s smoking hot!
Josephine the Plummer: That’s the Marlboro Man. I’d take the plunge with him any day.
Betty Crocker: Which guy? Point him out to me. I always thought the Marlboro Man and I would be the perfect match. I’d love to strike up a conversation.
Coppertone Girl: He’s the one with the great tan. He’s sitting directly at 9:00.
Madge the Manicurist: Well 9:00 has a 5:00 shadow. And The Marlboro Man can’t hold a candle to The Michelin Man. He’ll drive a gal crazy. Personally, I tire out just imagining it. But you should tread lightly. With him, the squeaky wheel always gets the oil, if you know what I mean. Mmm, oil. Softens hands while you do dishes.
Betty Crocker: Oh Madge, you’re so funny. And what’s that you’re dipping your celery in?
Madge The Manicurist: Ranch dressing. You’re soaking in it.
Josephine The Plummer: (coughing) Excuse me, something just went down the wrong pipe. But it was delicious. Who’s the caterer?
Betty Crocker: Chef Boyardee. But I heard that Gorton the Fisherman did the salmon pate. Now he’s a real catch. I’d fall for him hook, line and sinker.
Doublemint Twin: OMG Betty, you’ve got your spatula in everyone’s batter. I don’t think you even know who the father of your little cupcake is.
Betty Crocker: It’s not like I did the whole Geek Squad! Goodness, these rolls are scrumptious, but I daresay the butter has too much cholesterol.
Madge the Manicurist: Give it to Mikey. He eats everything!
Mother Nature: If you think it’s butter, but it’s not . . . it’s Chiffon!
Madge the Manicurist: It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature. Did you get a facelift?
Mother Nature: Well, how dare you!
Jake From Statefarm: Hi, what are you wearing?
Brooke Shields: Nothing gets between me and my Calvins!
Alfred E. Neuman: (on loudspeaker) Welcome Everyone. Don’t get MADD at my little announcement but you’re all officially out of work. Some of you may even be dead. The votes are in and the networks are going with Commercial-Free television from now on.
All Commercial Characters: Noooooooo!
Alfred E. Neuman: Now see, if you’d been a character in a print magazine (like me!) none of you would be concerned right now. “What, me Worry?”
Boos and jeers abound as a violent food fight breaks out when Orville Redenbacher brings out the popcorn.
And today is my birthday which means it’s time to announce the winners for The Blogcademy Awards! Thanks to everyone for participating in my yearly event.
The winner for Best Song is Marissa Bergen and here are her original humorous lyrics!
When it comes to blogging I’m the Cat’s Pajamas
And they call me the Rock N’ Roll Supermama
Cynical sarcastic subtle and sublime
And I got it in the pocket with the fattest rhymes
And if you haven’t got it yet, this is my song
With a guitar and a beat you’ll be singing along
So I know the Bloscar will go to me
Cause I got it when it comes to originality
And you know i got credentials, I come highly recommended
So thanks for the iTunes gift card, I’ll just tell you where to send it.
CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF YOU and please email Little Miss Menopause at email@example.com with a way to send your prize!
And finally, if anyone can go HERE to vote for me, maybe I’ll win a silly prize myself. It takes literally one second. Thank you!