Image by Lars Plöger from Pixabay

Do Not Pass Go!

Invisible enemy? Nah. Think of me as a worthy opponent in a daring game.
But remember that if (when?) you lose, you’ll only have yourself to blame.

Play me in ‘Chess’ — I’m always just a few moves ahead.
“Checkmate!” Look again. Perhaps your Queen is dead?

Or accept my challenge for the WhoDunnit board game called ‘Clue.’
I Killed Miss Scarlet, the Ventilator’s the weapon, the location? ICU.

Or let’s pretend stating fun facts in ‘Trivial Pursuit’ is more your style?
Silly questions about TP and pursuing it in the empty paper products aisle.

Wait! ‘Monopoly’ you say? Now there’s a game where you’re sure to excel.
Yet I own Boardwalk and Park Place, and landing on New York will be hell.

But no worries, I always distribute plenty of ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ cards,
After all, we can’t have all those pedophiles infecting your prison guards.

Switching to ‘Sorry’ or ‘Trouble?’ I land on you, sending you to home base.
New rule! Lose your turn indefinitely—we’ll just call it ‘Sheltering in Place.’

We can even combine two kiddie games, ‘Guess Who?’ and ‘Connect Four.’
But you can bet the mystery person is asymptomatic and someone you adore.

Brave enough for the classic war game ‘Battleship’ after the hand you’re dealt?
First you might wanna assist your navy’s own aircraft carrier, The Roosevelt.

Give ‘Pictionary’ a try, you can sketch a pretty model or draw a clever chart.
I’m the shrewd virus your educated scientists will ultimately need to outsmart.

Assuming their data can break my code and ‘Mastermind’ new vaccines?
Or just prescribe Clorox … Cuz that’s what being a true Quack means.

Make no mistake, I can ‘Scrabble’ your body and ‘Boggle’ your brain,
So feel free to exclaim, “Yahtzee!” in-between all your grief and pain.

But my absolute favorite is a good old fashioned round of ‘Hide n’ Seek.’
Stay safely inside your house to protect the elderly, sick, and weak.

Until I strategically shout “Olly Olly Oxen Free! C’mon out wherever you are!”
And your politicians encourage you to comply, which honestly is so bizarre.

Then just like Child’s Play, our game will be over before it’s ever really begun,
Clearly the winner is me…COVID-19! I’m the last one standing and having fun!

© April 2020 by Coronavirus

I somehow convinced myself that unless I wrote about the Coronavirus, (which I am so done with!) then nobody would be interested in my usual posts delving into life’s foibles. But just today I woke up adamantly declaring, “I don’t really care who reads me! If a typewriter clacks away in a deserted forest and there’s nobody around to hear the sound of a tree falling, would you still use Liquid Paper whiteout to cover up a typo?” Okay, I actually just woke up saying, “I don’t really care who reads me.” And the rest of that sentence I made up right now.

Long before WordPress blogs, I wrote only for myself. And I would never have kowtowed writing about the “hot topic of the day” just because it was the “in” thing to do. So today I’m going back to the mindset of writing for one important person . . . me.

Dear Diary,

After the WHO declared this virus a national pandemic, I tried to use my quirky humor to make this meme, which nobody understood or thought was the least bit funny. Basically all I succeeded in doing was dating myself.

That’s when I decided it was wrong of me to join the masses who try to capitalize on this crisis to get laughs. The other reason is — I was actually the first person to think up, “Ironically Passover is going to be cancelled this year due to an 11th plague.” But someone stole it from me and now they’re getting all the credit! I’m just not competitive enough for this “going viral” business, Diary.

Oh and guess what else? People are crafting personal protection out of bandanas, bras, and even diapers — so I feel terribly guilty my teenage daughter hoards face masks. Should I sneak into her bathroom and swipe them to donate to local hospitals? She has eighteen masks for oily skin and five with avocado, tea tree oil, and rosewater, which I think tightens pores?

And speaking of bras, as an overly endowed woman, I think “Flatten the Curve” would be a great tagline for a minimizer. I also thought of selling the concept of “Corona Ice-cream Cone-a” to Baskin Robbins so we can all measure our pandemic days using their 31 flavors, consuming a different one each night. Maybe then quarantining wouldn’t be such a Rocky Road? And how about “Corona Cologne-a” which could be an easy spray vaccine that smells nice too. People have always said I missed my calling in advertising/marketing.

So here’s a weird phenomenon. Every morning I wake up, go into my bathroom only to find the toilet seat in an upright position. I can only conclude I have a male ghost with a tiny bladder who’s been told to shelter in my place. This spook also eats all my Oreos, chips, and Hershey bars so he’s obviously switched from the Paleo Caveman diet to the Pandemeo Covidman diet.

And I’m so glad every single company I ever gave my email address to keeps me informed on a daily basis with detailed reports on how they and their employees handle Corona germs in their place of business. Yet I can’t get a single update from any of my six kids about whether or not they washed their hands before dinner.

My birthday came the same day the U.S. declared a national emergency and I figured that was oddly fitting. I consoled myself thinking about the entire country singing, “Happy Birthday” especially to me each time they scrubbed up.

Also I’m writing to Netflix and requesting they remove that message that pops up asking, “Are you STILL watching?” California is mandated to Stay Home . . . of course I’m still watching! But spare me the guilt. At least my refrigerator doesn’t inquire, “Are you still eating?”

And regarding guilt — taking a break from Facebook right now because I can’t log in there without someone reminding me that “Shakespeare wrote King Lear during a plague!” Big Deal. I’m working on Coroneo and Juliet, Antony and Cleopandemic, and The Taming of the Shrewd (Virus).

Till next time, Diary.

PS. I’m so proud that I’m sticking to my principles and writing for myself, not allowing the Coronavirus to infiltrate into my creative material.