From time to time Little Miss Menopause gets accused of having a blog so tame that it purrs like a kitten instead of growling like a tiger. Therefore if you’re under 18 or easily offended, please skip today’s “wild” post because I’m leaving the pet shop behind and taking a trip to the zoo!
Ladies, do you have a bit of a naughty side that wants to unleash itself on other occasions besides April Fools day? Or maybe you have an anniversary coming up and what do you get a guy who has everything? (Yes, if he’s got you, you better believe he wants for nothing!) This is where that old adage, “the best things in life are free” comes in…Making Memories.
An R-rated practical joke is an experience he won’t soon forget. So forget about gluing quarters to sidewalks and shorting the sheets in your bed — I’m talking sexy enough that the two of you will be reminiscing years from now, while sitting on the front porch in His & Her rockers. (Future Joke Hint: You can also put wheels on those chairs so you’ll always rock n’ roll together!)
Here are ten Spranks (Sex + Pranks, and yes I just made that up!) to liven up your relationship in a way that he’ll find delightfully mischievous.
10 Creative Spranks For Unsuspecting Males
1. While eating together, start to really enjoy your food. C’mon and give Meg Ryan a run for her money.
2. Tell him you have a confession: before you met him, you were an adult film star who used a different name. When he begs to know what sexy pseudonym you were called, give him that old formula combining your pet’s name and the first street you lived on. (I was “Oreo Maple Lane.”)
3. Everything is rushed today: drive-thru banking, high speed Internet, life hacks and of course, fast food. Welcome him to Sex Express. “Home of the Quickie!” Wear a counter employee’s paper hat, have a napkin dispenser on the nightstand for messy parts, condoms mixed with ketchup packets and a menu listing the combo services. Don’t forget to get a bikini wax shaped like a Big Mac.
4. Your new book was finally published. Won’t he be thrilled to see what you’ve authored? Leave a copy lying around the living room where he knows your girlfriends will see it . . .
5. Make up an expensive receipt for a home repair from an appliance guy or your handyman. What broke? Your vibrator, of course. (Bonus points for red stamping “After hours emergency house call” on the envelope.)
6. Leave the Internet open to a website about bondage & discipline and his necktie on your pillow. Act properly flustered when confronted.
7. Tell him you’ve taken up ceramics and rent a potter’s wheel. When you sit down with messy clay hands, have the song “Unchained Melody” by the Righteous Brothers playing in the background. He’ll see Ghosts for years.
8. Accidentally call him by another woman’s name during the throes of climax and see if that excites him. Make sure it’s not your mother’s.
9. In the morning, text him graphic details and plenty of high praise about how amazing he was in the middle of the night. See how long it takes him to realize you were never together last evening.
10. And lastly, if you’re just too shy to play these jokes out of the blue, then go ahead and wait for that infamous 1st day of the fourth month of the year before you do the following: Deliberately pile up his saw, screwdriver, wrench, and hammer while telling him you’re missing your favorite thing from the collection—then slowly unzip his pants and whisper, “Happy April Tool’s Day.”
Be brave girlfriend and use your imagination — I guarantee any of the above will leave a ferocious impression and might even get you a date with a handsome lion-tamer.
And if you want to see one of the ways I make ends meet, check out the new blog I write for Spire (a fun company that manufactures a breathing monitor for your wrist!) right HERE.